the heartbreak

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Marcel has left to do something. I'm here, basically babysitting his son. That seems to not like me. We've been okay. Things are really slow. But the way I've always wanted them to be. But it's only been a week. I'm healing. I cried. I forced myself to cry. I need to grieve instead of keep it in like I did with my mothers death. Should this death hurt more? I kind of blame myself for the accident. We could've made dinner at home. The homes under my name now. I didn't know he put his entire will for me. I'm thankful for. His fiancé moved across the country back to where she lived with her older kids. I think she needs that. We keep in touch but I know it'll die down soon. She was really kind.

My dad was kind. I wish he was there from the beginning. But they wanted different things. I know he was insecure or always overthinking if he was doing the job right. It was new to him. But he did good. I should've done better though.

Marco is doing math. I don't like math but I'm not bad at it. I'm majoring in journalism. I love writing and I'm happy I picked up on the passion again. I just want to write peoples stories and make audiences feel it.

"Do you like books?" I ask as he's sitting on his desk. I'm sitting on his bed. Very large room. For an almost eight year old.

"They're disgusting."

"Have you ever tried to read books?"

"You don't have to talk to me." He says not turning his back once to look at me.

"I want to talk to you though."

"Did my dad say to talk to me? Because he told me that you're sensitive and are hurting."

Sensitive.

"I'm not sensitive." I retaliate.

"You are, you got angry. You can't control your emotions."

"I'm sorry I'm not like your father."

"Don't talk about my dad."

He turns to look at me.

He's mad. And I'm annoyed. Marcel was correct. This boy is a lot.

"I like your dad and I think you should lay off the attitude."

"No one told you to have an affair with him. You're a kid as well." He's smiling. An evil smile.

Affair?

Your seven.

"It wasn't an affair."

"Lust?"

"No. It's complicated."

"Are you guys dating?"

No?

"Then nothing complicated, he doesn't owe you a thing. You can leave."

"Is there a specific reason you don't like me?"

"Yes."

"Please enlighten me." He's been standing up now. He's talk for a seven year old.

"He doesn't bring girls to this house. Ever. So it's either he's in love with you or he wants to kill you."

I'll go with the first one.

"I'm sorry if you think I'm stepping over your boundaries with your dad. I'm not going to change anything. I just wanted to talk to you. It seems disrespectful to me that I'm staying here and not even being able to talk to his own son. If you don't want me talking to you then it's understandable." I apologize. His posture softens.

I pick up my phone and stand up going to the door.

"Do you like ice cream?"

I smile.

"I love ice cream."

Marcelo POV

I walk into the house and everything is dark. My paranoia starts and I'm trying not to shake. I keep the gun close to me as I walk through the hall upstairs. I open Marco's door. He's asleep. She is too. She's up on the headboard and his head is on her shoulder. I let out a breathe I didn't realize I was holding. I put the gun away and look at the TV. Why is she making my son watch classic movies.

I hope he wasn't a dick to her. I place my hand on the side of her face and caress her cheek. She's up within seconds. She smiles looking at me but with tired eyes.

"He's a dick." She mutters quietly and I nod in agreement. She carefully places his head on his pillow. I pick her up in my arms and turn off the tv before closing the light. "I can walk." She states as we go into my room.

"You won't soon."

I let her down and lock the door. Her hands move into my hair. A habit of hers. She turns on the lights before kissing me.

"I think something's wrong with me Marcelo."

She's going to tell me.

Her hands move down to my neck.

"I don't know." She huffs.

Please just tell me.

"You're sure?"

Bring it up now Marcel. When she's quiet. I speak. I wish she can tell me herself but I don't want it to be too late. And I want to talk to her about it.

"You're pregnant."

The words shock her. "What?" She looks like she's heard it the first time. She instinctively looks down at her stomach.

"Serena you're pregnant."

"No I'm not."

"The doctor told me when you were in the hospital. She presumed I was the father. I didn't know how long you were going to hide it from me. And we need to talk about it—"

"We can't discuss something when I didn't know." She yells.

She's mad.

I haven't seen her this mad since I killed Alyssa.

"How do you not know your fucking pregnant the doctor said it's been three months." Don't crude at her. She's lost.

Her hands are sleekly coming off me. She's taking a couple steps back for air.

She has to be lying. How didn't she know?

"Why are you lying to me."

"Why would I lie to you?"

"Does Andre know?"

"You think I wouldn't have told him before you? I didn't know I'm pregnant. Yes there was a slight thought but I've barely had any symptoms till recently and that's because I thought it was from my father passing. Not me being pregnant. " she pissed off.

She didn't know.

"Take me home."

"I'm not doing that."

"Why wouldn't the doctors tell me?"

Because I told them you already know, that's what I presumed. And you weren't in the best condition.

"I need to talk to Andre, take me home Marcelo."

How can she even say both our names in the same sentence. She's probably had said it before. I hate the jealousy. For a second I thought I had her. But if we face the facts she's in love with him. I can't be mad he had her. I can't make her hate me.

"Then what?"

"What do you mean then what?" Her patience is low.

"You're going to leave. Are you going to get an abortion?"

"Marcelo shut up."

"You can't come to my house sleep with me every night for the past week and be around me for three. Then say you're just going to leave."

"You've done it multiple times. I don't owe you anything right now. There are still so many patches in this relationship and it's only been working because we're fucking and I'm not a minor anymore."

Her words sting.

"Why are you mad at me? I'm not the one who knocks you up and leaves to go to Greece because they're homesick."

"I'm so sorry that he was man enough to stay with me for months while you were busy sticking your tongue down other woman's throats and being behind a cell because you can't stop murdering or sleeping with people."

"And you think he's not doing the same right now? When you call him you're sure he'll pick up or is he getting some bitch in college pregnant as well."

"You're not the father. If that pissed you off then I don't know what to say. Because you weren't there. He was."

"I was there every time your life went downhill."

"It only ever went downhill because of you. Or are we not ready to have that conversations?"

I don't say anything because she knows I'm not ready. But she's at her limit. Her eyes are watering and she's sick of it.

"You fiddled with my heart and confused me for over a year. All I wanted was you. And you always left. And I understood that because I know what type of life you're in. You tell me to trust you and I do. You kiss reya at that party. And never apologized after I told you it hurt."

"Because you fucked Andre the same night. For two nights actually then couldn't choose for an entire month."

"I always loved him. It was always going to be him. "

She didn't even realize how easily those words came out of her mouth. She didn't realize how she dragged the knife down my heart that night. And she said it with so much passion.

"And I loved you, I was always going to pick you. But at least we know where we stand now."

Another ache that night was when her hand slapped me across the face. Hard. Enough that I know it hurt her hand as well.

"Why didn't you tell me when I asked you on the porch?"

"Because you were sixteen. Remember? And I wasn't going to allow you to be blinded by your feelings. And forget the facts."

"I asked you if you loved me marcel. Nothing else. I wanted to know if it was more then something platonic. I didn't ask you to kiss me or fuck me. I asked if you loved me." Her eyes are pouring. My eyes are too.

"It would've made things harder."

She doesn't know I've loved her from the beginning. I never knew you can want something so bad but it's always so hard to have. She's always there but I can't have her. Ever. Maybe she's meant for Andre. And that bitch is meant for her. That was my fear. No jewl in the world can buy a girl happiness when the love is gone. And the way she cried that night told me she stopped loving me long ago. She wasn't angry at just me. She was angry at herself. I still held her. I still kissed her cheek. I apologized for yelling at her because I've never wanted her to see that side.

She's seen it once before. But not like this. I don't want her to think I'm horrible.

I knew it was done. I knew what she wanted. I didn't ask her what she wanted because I knew.

I knew she would be a mother. I knew Andre would come back and live with her. I knew there's be a family. I knew she'd slip from my arms again. It's not a competition with him.

She even said it.

He was better.

He was there.

And he loved her the way she needed the love.

He gives her stability.

How can I ever be angry at that?

I was more jealous. Every man is jealous. Every person wants what they can't touch.

Serena made my life a constant run. I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. I wanted to have her raise Marco with me. I know he would love her. I want to wake up to her everyday. Not caring how we ended the night. As long as I'd wake up to her I would know that I had another chance. This entire time she was probably thinking of him.

I knew better.

She called me the next Saturday. A week. She waited a week before calling me. I didn't answer. She left a voicemail. I tried calling back but there was nothing because she blocked me. I can text her so many other ways but it was done. I knew it was done when she left the necklace on my dresser when I came back after dropping her off.

I knew it was done because Marco told me she deserved better. He always protects my name. But he took a liking for her. She wasn't trying to be a mother figure to him. She was trying to be his friend and that's what he wanted.

I knew it was done because she said it was done. In the voice message, that I listened to once. Because I couldn't beat her repeat so many words.

'I'm sorry. Marcelo I did love you once. When I was young. And I don't regret anything with you. Because I always cared and had such a want for you. I shouldn't have slapped you. I've been stressed with everything. I just want you to respect my decisions and understand how much I've already been through. How much I'm hurting all over again Marcel. And I can't have you be the one to try and live me together."

My eyes watered once I heard that. But the voice message never seemed to end.

"I loved you so much. But I don't know which way I loved you because you never allowed me to truly love all of you. You're always facing the facts. So I want to speak logically and not because of how much I care about you. The fact is I'm pregnant. With another man's child. And I can't have you being there when I know he will be there no matter what. It's wrong but it's easier with him. I'm in love with him. I spent ten months sharing everything with him. And yes he knows about you. Not everything like you're thinking but enough."

"He will be back in two weeks. And I don't want to be connected to you for that time. I need to have my mind clear. I need to grieve my fathers passing. And I can't be sleeping with you. I can't think around you. And I'm sorry if I'm hurting you. I still love you but not in away where I can give you everything. Because the truth is you're not a person I'm willing to give up everything for yet. You try to protect me and keep me safe. I tried to fall deep with you."

"I'm happy I met you. I love Marco even if he may despise me. I know time heals. But we just need a lot of time apart then. I hope you don't get stuck in one position. I hope you start a family or something."

She laughs softly. But she's crying.

"I want you to be so happy and I wanted it to be with me. "

"I understand what you meant when you gave me that necklace mow. And I'm thankful. Thank you."

She didn't say it was done. But I know once that voice message ended it was done. I can't run to her this time. I can't do anything for her anymore because that's for someone else's watching.

It was like that for 8 years. Eight years I spent regretting not just admitting I loved her on the porch. It was so soon but she would've returned that love.

Eight fucking years.