Chapter 4.|Not Feeling Anything - Yet|

h.a.r.p.e.r.’.s....p.o.v.

I sat in my bedroom after school that same day, my thoughts running a jumbled marathon through my head. Since when did I blush at anyone, let alone Justin?

I sighed, putting my head in my hands. Why, oh why, Carmela, did you ever think it was a good idea for me to admit how hot I thought he was. Although I wanted to blame her for my discomfort, I did agree to her statement, and pretty much brought this upon myself. I mean, of course he was good looking - I wasn’t blind! But that didn’t necessarily mean I liked him... did it?

No, I shook my head. I had Toby, and I liked him just fine. I wasn’t going to throw away what we had developed over the last few months just because I suddenly opened my eyes and realized how amazingly gorgeous my friend was. Ugh, it all sounds bad.

For the remainder of the day, Carmela had pestered me about developing a crush on Justin while he shot me smirks that lit my face up in a red blush. Toby had looked at me questionably and before going on about how amazing the weekend was going to be. I tried to listen along as he told me all the features of his few million dollar yacht, but I couldn’t help but notice the ping of guilt that tugged at my heart.

But why should I be guilty? I wasn’t cheating on him, I just... well I sort of noticed what my other options are.

Okay, even if I wanted to be with Justin - which sounded insane just thinking it - but if I wanted to be with Justin, it would never work out. To him, I’m just his little sister, someone he needs to protect. Not someone he could ever be in a relationship with.

My phone buzzed beside me, and I checked it to find someone texted me:

Carmela: Hey Harp, how’s it going?

Harper: I’m doing fine.

Carmela: So, you realized that you just LOVE Justin?

Harper: No.

Harper: Just ask him out already, I know you’re dying to!

Carmela: Maybe I will!

Carmela: JK - he’s your man, Harp.

Harper: He and I are both in relationships with different people. He isn’t ‘my’ man.

I sighed. This was how it always went. When Carmela believed in something, nothing could deter her from proving it to be true. After all, she was still trying to prove her point that supernatural creatures existed. I had deliberately avoided the subject the last few years because one mention and she was set off on one of her six-month rants.

Looking back at my phone I found that my boyfriend had decided to text. It warmed my heart to know that he was at least looking out for me.

Toby: Are you feeling okay? You seemed a little off today...

Harper: Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.

Toby: Okay, well I hope you’re ready for the whole experience on Saturday!

Toby: And be sure to bring a lot of sunscreen, it’s going to be a hot one!

I groaned. At least I thought my boyfriend was looking out for me. Usually, people check in when you say ‘I’m fine’, not go off about their vacation plans! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t just the change of subject that got me all riled up.

All Toby has been talking about for the last few days is the yacht we are going on this weekend. Like, I get it, I’m excited to, but my life still moves on with other things in it. I sighed, running a hand through my unruly hair. If this was going to be his reaction to everything, maybe it just wouldn’t work between us.

I stopped my train of thoughts. Never before in these whole three months had I even thought about Toby and I not being compatible. I bit my lip, the realization dawning on me that this could be because I realized I thought Justin was hot, and therefore wasn’t thinking straight. Yes - that had to be it.

I felt nothing more than attraction to Justin, but I wasn’t going to get in the way of what Toby and I had. What we had was meant to be - and even though this was one of my first serious relationships - I knew better than to let anything or anyone get in my way.

Even though he didn’t mean it that way, I couldn’t get Justin out of my mind. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the scene of Justin smirking as he caught the end of our conversation and my traitor blush escaping constantly on replay.

Was what Carmela said true - was I really in denial? Did I actually like Justin, the kid I practically grew up with, that’s like a brother to me?

The answer:

No.

This was all fake. None of these feelings were real, they couldn’t be!

No, I wasn’t in denial.

I guess, I just didn’t feel anything.

Yet.