Chapter Thirty-Two

I pushed the door open and there she was sitting on her bed facing a cracked mirror.

"H-hey..." I said with a shaking voice as I entered. Her room was no different from her living room and kitchen, almost everything wasn't in order, and maybe that was the first thing that I noticed because I couldn't force myself to look at her fore any more than a second.

She held a rope tightly in between her hands, the moment I came she hid it behind her back. Her whole face was dry and pale. I saw dark spots sunk below her inanimate eyes as she turned her head to face me.

"Hi..." she said acting okay, but her voice whimpered. "I-I was just making a DIY Ellie... like a... a swing set, sort of..." she forced out a laugh.

I just stood there, watching her. I saw how defeated she looked. Then everything that the people on school said flashed on my mind and I thought of how those words made her like this...

"I wonder where I should I hang it on..?"

"Don't even–" I stepped closer to her but she glared at me making me freeze on my position, standing still at the door way while gripping an arm of my backpack.

The hairs on my arms stood up as she spoke. "Yeah, I was just about to do it if you didn't come." Karlene stood up from her bed. She walked up close to me. "Can you be honest, are you  really clueless or are you just pretending to like me cause you feel sorry about me?"

I gulped, feeling I should tell the truth. "You didn't tell me anything... Why didn't you tell me it's– it's like I don't even know you anymore..."

Is she a part of the problem on why Tyrone and Chelsea's family went in knots? Tsk... my brother's friend wouldn't even eat and talk to his mom and sister after that.

"You don't know me in the first place," she corrected. "Remember when I said to not defend me so blindly?"

"... I-I didn't expect you to be a homewrecker, Karlene... why would you even do that? Do you know how the family you've just wrecked felt? My brother's friend wouldn't even come to school after that, he doesn't deserve that he's so innocent!"

"Well his father shouldn't have been loyal but he wasn't–"

"Don't pretend he's the only one at fault, you knew he had a family!"

A laugh escaped her pale lips. "Easy for you to judge." Then something played in her eyes, a quick anger that poured all over her face. "You don't know a thing about what I'm feeling because you're not the one who's hurting!"

Tears flowed out of her eyes, her make up was smudged, mascara dripped on her cheeks and her short hair was messed up. "I knew it was wrong dammit! I knew– but what can I do!? I don't know where to go because I have no one, Ellie!" she cried aloud, her hands were gripping my shoulder, they were trembling and cold.

Up and down her chest go, deep breaths here and there while she tried her hardest not to break down under my gaze. So much pain for a person to handle, it spilled up... was that why I feel the heart-gripping ache too? It resonated with the whole room and even if I was pissed about her I just wanted to hug her and tell her that every thing would be alright, wipe off the sadness in her heart yet I was scared that I would not be enough to cover up the cracks, the deepest, most broken parts of her.

"A person like you wouldn't understand that because you have a lot of people by your side."

She wasn't done, her head moved closer to my face and she whispered "have I told you the truth of what happened to my father...?"

I shook my head only knowing little about him. She liked to talk about her father, but I never really knew what happened to him.

"He killed himself right after my graduation, must've thought he fulfilled his duties and just ran away leaving me behind as if it— as if it's mission completed, swoosh~ He's outta here!" She laughed to try and swallow all the pain in. She shook her head. "You know... I didn't understand his pain of losing my mother because I've never met her, but after losing him, only did then I realized how agonizing it truly was, and this wasn't the first time I tried killing myself."

She made me step back, closing the door with my back. Her stare was drained, it was contagious. I felt the sorrow in her words and every time she did speak, an unexplainable wound inside me filled with pressure and soreness started to become more unbearable. But as she said, I know not a thing.

"I stole my mother from my dad, she died giving birth to me. I stole Jon from his family, had an affair with a married man, married men and not just him... I'm a fucking homewrecker! And then this! And then you..." She aimed at me, and it made my chest tighter, words pierced through easily without a barrier. I found myself bare, unable to dodge, unable to ignore and felt like all I could do was catch all the overflowing, throbbing pain that was coming from her.

"But you already belong to someone else, and that scares me, Ellie. I don't want to wait for the time when I'll do something stupid and mess things up again!" What is she saying? So far she'd done nothing to me but the opposite. "So please leave... Let's pretend like we never knew each other, things are getting out of hand don't you think so? And I-I don't think I can handle it anymore..."

"I don't want to leave you alone..." I whispered doggedly, fighting for what I thought was right.

"We'll be much happier that way, trust me."

I can't imagine my nights without her in it, how 'happy' can that possibly be if she were to leave?

I reached for her cheek and she rested her head on my hand willingly. My soaked, wrinkled palm came in contact with her dry skin, and it didn't feel warm at all, to hold her like this felt like I should grieve, like I was going to lose something, like she was going to fade away somehow and drift away from my grasp.

"Just tell me where it hurts the most so I know where to care for you the hardest... You don't have to push me away."

Then there was something that played in her eyes. She was staring down at my lips.

"There you go again, when will you ever stop?"

I caught her expression got dark as I felt her hand on my neck pulling me down as I met with her rough lips. I closed my eyes shut feeling the moment when our lips touched for the first time. Her cautious kisses turned aggressive when I grabbed her waist to draw her closer, finally closing all the gap between our bodies.

She had a moment to look at my face. Concern immediately rose up from her, she brought a finger up and traced the bruise that was starting to form on my cheek.

"Where did you get this from?" She asked. Her brows bent.

"Don't worry about me right now, it's all fine..." I muttered gently in her ears to assure her.

Karlene leaned me against the door. The once cold room became fired up by our touches that got deep and deep as we explored each other's bodies.

I got so caught up questioning my feelings, it confused me how I didn't push but instead continued as nothing happened. This felt natural in the weirdest, most unexplainable way.

We moved around. She pushed me on my chest thrusting me on her bed. No idea where would this led us, I cupped her face once again. She was quite in a hurry and I wanted to know why. She just seemed so frustrated. It made me uncertain that maybe I was taking advantage of her situation. So as much as possible I wanted to be careful with her.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked.

She didn't reply but only leaned in to shut me up. Karlene ran her hands through my hair as she kissed me.

A thought shot through my head. It was an image of Anne and each time Karlene kissed me she was the one that I imagine as I closed my eyes. Still her, though I was certain I already erased her, but why was she the one that I think of? Her face played in my mind intertwined with sweet and bitter parts of her. All of those years I only had Anne, now being with someone else felt wrong.

"Wait..." I jolted awake from the wrong scene. Fear ran through my face at the realization that I wasn't thinking of Karlene when she kissed me, but rather someone else.

How can a person expect me to move on in just a day? I knew I broke up with her, and she fucking sucks. I just don't get how she could screw around, while I, I couldn't be with someone without her stupid face haunting me every time!

"No, this is wrong... Stop please..." I couldn't continue with another person in my mind.

Karlene gasped, and as soon as she became aware she pulled herself away from me as fast as possible and stepped away far enough for me to see her terrified face.

"I'm so sorry... I-" she panicked, she breathed heavily. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" embarrassed, her face flushed red and her eyes were threatening to shed tears again. "I shouldn't have done it. I didn't know what I was doing–" she explained more.

Now it didn't seem right to look into her eyes so I dropped mine on the floor, ashamed of my thoughts.

It was confusing. The first few moments when we kissed I felt happy and comfortable but as it lasts, when the bruises and wounds unhealed came out, my feelings started to become twisted. And no matter how hard I try to focus, it was just Anne that I thought about the longer it got.

Anne this, Anne that. Her stupid smile when I opened the door for her that night, her deep voice, her perfume, the way she dressed, the way she kissed, just about everything. It harassed my mind!

"I-I just need time to uh...get over my ex..."

Her gloomy room couldn't be more depressing when it was combined with uneasiness.

I wasn't ready. And saying that didn't mean that I was refusing Karlene completely. I liked her company. Every time I was with her felt so relaxing and calm, but she was a mystery and that drew me even closer to her. I blame my curiosity for waking me up from the nightmare I was in. That I deserve more than to be a push-over and a person that was easy to be taken advantage of.

My curiosity towards her led me to something I never thought I'd find. Somewhere that I pushed myself into hoping to seek a new experience that was unknown to a person like me. And all while I sought, nothing came in mind but the urge to know her more. Didn't mind about her age or my age, didn't mind about her being my teacher, didn't mind that she was hated by everyone at school, but I do mind her words, and how it was all casual and calming, it felt like I was talking to someone I've known for years. She was something new, surely.

She was everything that I dreamed of in a person. The only problem now is... I don't think I'm ready to risk again.