33. Family

Chase.

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I'm on constant suicide watch now. I don't get to be alone in my room. I don't get to use my phone. There's always someone with me and I'm not allowed outside except for in the garden. Which has a fence. Ever since I told Dad and Loren about Sky they've been watching me like I'm some broken victim. Ever since I told them about Kev actually. But this made it worse. They seem to think Sky groomed me and then took advantage of me and that's why I met up with Kev. As a coping mechanism. It's all just so exhausting. Why is everyone deciding that for me?

I haven't spoken to Sky in days and I hate it. I feel so fucking guilty for what my family did to him. They've got it all wrong but they don't wanna listen to me. Loren wants Rose to be taken away from him which is terrible. Because I'm pretty sure she's the only thing keeping him sane right now, apart from Aron. I hope he is sane. I hope he's okay. Dad and Sky really were like father and son. His own father betrayed him. So now he really has no father. I'm so worried about him.

I begged my dad not to tell mom about what happened with me and Sky. Thankfully he agreed with me. I'm also not going to therapy anymore despite what everyone wants. I've been in therapy since my suicide attempt two years ago and it has done nothing for me. I hate my therapist and I honestly think therapy is a load of crap. Other people observing you. Telling you what's right in life. It's hilariously ironic cause those people make mistakes too. Those people are just as imperfect as you are. What gives them the right to lecture you on what to do? One time Dr. Lewis was lecturing me about health. It's not healthy to cut, blah, blah, blah. But before that session I saw him smoking a fat cigarette outside. It's hypocritical.

Thankfully my dad complied. I get to stay home. I have to do all my homework still and guess what: I suck at it. I'm 100% failing this year.

And honestly... I couldn't care less.

Loren, dad and I are all collected around the kitchen. Dad's putting away the groceries while talking to Loren.

"Well, first we need to get a lawyer. I think we might be able to use what happened with Chase as proof he is an unfit parent." Loren says to dad.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! He did not rape me! And he's a great father!" I defend Sky.

"Stay out of this, Chase." Loren dismisses me like it doesn't matter what I have to say.

"This is not fair! You can't do this to him! He would never hurt Rose!"

"I thought he would never hurt you, but he did that!"

"He did not! How many fucking times do I have to tell you!" I looks deep into her eyes.

"Loren, do you seriously believe he would do anything to hurt Rosalie?"

She looks away.

"Look, I get that you're angry but he's not what you're saying he is! The only mistake he made that night was cheating on you!"

She refuses to look at me.

"And I wanted him, Loren. I wanted to have sex with him and I did. If there's anyone to blame it's me, I'm your brother and I betrayed you!"

"I am mad at you!" She screams. Her eyes blazing with anger. "I can't believe my own brother would stab me in the back like that! You knew how much I liked him! How could you do that?"

Finally something that makes sense. I want her to yell at me. I want her to hit me if it makes her feel better. With every yell a bit of guilt falls off my shoulder.

"I was selfish. I was only thinking of what I wanted."

Loren turns away again. "I wish I could hate him. And only blame him. But I'm more mad at you than I am at him. Because you were supposed to have my back. I was supposed to be able to trust you blind."

"Look at all this." Dad chimes in. "Look at all the hurt that guy has caused. I don't care if you wanna call it rape or not. I'm sticking to my point. He's a monster and he deserves the worst."

"Dad!"

"STOP DEFENDING HIM!" Dad screams.

The doorbell bell rings.

My dad sighs an exhausted sigh. He gets up and goes over to the door. "I completely forgot Jennifer was supposed to come over. Dammit."

Loren won't look at me. Her eyes are brimming with tears.

I hear Jenny's voice from the hallway.

"Hi guys!" She says in her usual sunny spirit as she enters the room.

"Chase," She opens her arms. I give her a big hug.

"How are you?" She squeezes my arm.

"I would do much better if you could get dad to forgive Sky." I say pointedly.

"Oh great." Dad sighs. He pours himself a coffee. "Want coffee?"

"No, I'm good. What's going on with Sky?" Jenny looks worried.

"Chase told us that Sky and him had sex." Dad sighs. "Two years ago. And he tells me now."

Jenny doesn't look surprised. She keeps caressing my arms.

Dad looks her in the eye. "Of course. How didn't I think of this? You knew! You knew, didn't you!"

"Dad—"

"Stay out of it! Did he tell you?!" He looks crazy. Completely insane.

"You know I can't discuss my clients with you, Steven." Jennifer says.

"How could you not have told me! He abused my son! You should have told me!"

"Under the Californian law—"

"Fuck the Californian law! I thought I could trust you! You were supposed to be my best friend!"

"And I still am!" Her tone is hurt. I rarely see Jennifer with any negative emotion. My dad's really getting to her.

"You asked me to help someone for you and that's what I did. Sharing his personal information was not part of the deal, Steven."

"Get out of my house!" Dad points to the door. "Get out."

"Dad, you're being unfair!" I protest.

"No, it's alright. He's just worried about you. I'll be fine." Jennifer smiles at me.

She gives me another hug.

"Bye Loren." She kisses her cheek. Loren smiles at her. We both feel bad for her. She doesn't deserve all the crap she's getting from dad.

"You can always call me." Jenny says to dad.

"I won't." He says coldly.

She nods and leaves the room.

Sky.

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Rose is sleeping in her crib, I'm lying on the couch with Aron. He's been trying to make me feel better these past few days. I haven't really been eating or sleeping. I've been pacing around. The idea that Steven, who's like a father to me, thinks I hurt Chase like that is.. heartbreaking. I feel like I've lost two dads. I feel alone and confused.

I would be lost if it wasn't for Aron and Rose. Loren hasn't spoken to me about Rose either. I'm anxious. What if she tries to take her away from me? What then?

Aron kisses my head and caresses my shoulder.

"Maybe they're right.. Maybe Chase really felt that way about what happened. Maybe I did.."

"No, Sky.."

"I don't know! I don't remember if I even asked if he was okay with it or not.. I.."

"But he wanted it, though! He came back several times!"

"That doesn't matter. That could be like trauma bond or something."

"Sky, you're making yourself crazy! You can't think like that! I know you would never hurt someone! I know you!"

"But how can they think I did, then? They're supposed to know me too!" A tear streams down my face. Aron wipes it away.

"They're worried about Chase and they don't know what to do. Just give it time. You should have been clear with him about what it meant but that's all you did wrong. You didn't force anyone!"

"He was fourteen.."

"I knew what I wanted at fourteen. And you were only two years apart, that's nothing! They're making you feel guilty for something you didn't do. Don't let them."

"It's hard to feel that way when I already feel guilty."

"That's why I'm here. Just listen to me." Aron says.

I sigh and scoot closer to him. I bury my face in his chest while he holds me and strokes my back. I take a few deep breaths.

Sleeping with Chase is one of my biggest regrets in life. That one event has caused to so much pain in the people I love. I hate myself for having done that.

I know I didn't force him to do it. I wouldn't. I could never. But that doesn't make it any less wrong. That doesn't mean I wasn't an awful person for doing that. And maybe Chase felt pressured. He was always so anxious around me back in the day. Maybe he wanted me to stop but he didn't know how to say it. I could've ignored the signs. Maybe I did something he never wanted me to do.

Does Chase hate me? He did say he was sorry. But was he sorry for telling his truth? Or was he sorry for how his family treated me? His family..

I really thought it was our family.