4 | Sam's Past

"Oh my god, Sam! You've grown to be such a big boy! Come on in, meet your cousins. They were so eager to see you and show you their new bunk bed!"

A six year old Sam nervously smiled at his aunt. She was cheerful as always, and he was anxious as always. He looked behind him and saw that his parents were busy taking out all their luggage from their car while his 2 year old sister was sleeping in the front seat. He didn't know whether to help his parents or listen to his aunt and go in, so he stood there for some time and just stared at nothing, naturally getting lost in his own thoughts.

'Go and help your parents, you idiot,' one part of his brain said.

'Go inside and see your cousins, they've been waiting for you, moron,' the other part of his brain countered.

By the time he finished arguing with himself, his parents were done bringing all their luggage into the house, and he realized that hadn't done either. He hadn't helped his parents with their luggage and nor had he gone inside like his aunt had told him to. He facepalmed and went in, hiding behind his father's back. He was always hesitant when it came to meeting his relatives because the number of times he'd seen them didn't matter; they always acted like they knew everything about him. But he didn't know anything about them, save their names, which made him feel rude and ignorant. So as a result, he never spoke to any of them - what would he even talk about if he knew nothing about them? Almost all of his relatives knew how shy the boy was, how he never spoke without being forced to, but still, each time Samuel and his parents were out of a relative's house, he would get scolded a lot.

"Can't you just say a 'Hello, how are you' to them? Don't act like you don't know how to talk, we all know that you do. We need to do something about this little attitude of yours."

He would feel terrible when his parents said that to him, but he couldn't really do anything. He knew he was being annoying and bratty, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to people who were almost strangers.

He was, yet again, in his own world, so it caught him by surprise when his cousin came up to him, pulling him by the sleeve. "Sammy!! Did you know I got a new bunk bed? I need to share it with that douchebag" - she pointed at her older brother - "but that's fine! Come on, we can both sit on top and boss around him," she said, giggling.

Sia was someone who he was pretty comfortable with - she didn't make him feel nervous. She giggled and talked a lot, and though he didn't like it when people were constantly nagging, he quite liked her presence. Mostly because she never forced him to talk, and sometimes did all the talking and never once got bothered by the fact that Sam responds to most of it with just a single nod. She knew that he paid attention to everything she says, and when he's genuinely excited about something - which has happened when he was with her - he gushes about it a lot, making her squish his cheeks and call him "the cutest thing alive" despite being just two years older than him.

* * *

It had been a week since Samuel had gone to his cousins' house with his parents and he was having the time of his life playing and laughing non stop with them. Drake, his older cousin, didn't play much, but when he did, the whole room would roar with laughter because of his funny antics. On that day, though, they had decided to go to the mall to watch a movie and buy some clothes. Upon arriving, Samuel and Sia ("S square," as they liked to call themselves) claimed their seats in the movie theatre next to each other immediately and sat comfortably while their parents sat right behind them. Sam's younger sister was sleeping peacefully against his mother's shoulder and when he saw how squishy her cheek looked, he couldn't help but poke it with his chubby index finger and giggle at how soft it was. His mother swatted his hand away and scolded him for trying to wake her up, but he paid no attention to that and started talking to Sia.

"If this movie is as boring as the one we saw before, can we both go down and play hide and seek?" he asked, looking up at his sister.

"Hey! That movie wasn't boring at all, I even cried watching it. You have no taste whatsoever," she said, clearly offended that he'd just called her favorite actor boring.

Half an hour into the movie, his uncle had bought them a lot of snacks to eat while watching and he couldn't even decide on what to eat first. Since he knew Sia loved pizza, he decided to save that for her and took the popcorn instead. He knew his parents wouldn't let him eat more than a piece anyway. It wasn't like his mother hated him or was very controlling, it was just that Sam got sick very easily. He was told that he'd spent the first three years of his life constantly at one hospital or another, so his parents wanted him to eat healthy. Plus, he gained weight very easily. Since he was also a vegetarian, he knew that his resistance was less as compared to others. As he stared at Sia's plate and mouth, he couldn't help but be a little jealous that she didn't get ill. She didn't gain weight at all, but he did. His staring didn't go unnoticed by Sia, who held up one slice next to his mouth and whispered, "Eat it, don't stare at me. Just one piece, okay? Nothing will happen."

He nodded and ate it all in one go. Now he wanted more. He sheepishly looked behind to see his mother glaring daggers at him, which instantly shut off all his thoughts of wanting to eat more. He knew he was up for another round of scolding once they reached home.

* * *

"Found you!!" Sia screeched when she found Sam hiding inside a baby crib filled with pillows. Samuel came out of it, laughing, as he said, "You took ages! I was almost falling asleep there."

Sia was about to stick her tongue out at him when she heard their parents call out to them. Sam didn't get to buy his own clothes, his parents did. Whatever he chose, his parents would disapprove of it and he would feel like crying because he loved it so much but couldn't take it home. Because of that, he just let his parents buy his clothes for him and wore them whether he liked it or not. He usually felt uncomfortable because all of his clothes would be a size or two big and when he asked his parents why, they would say, "You're a growing boy. Your clothes would last a little longer only if we buy a few sizes big. What if you grew fatter in two more months? It would still fit. That's why."

Samuel would then look at himself in the mirror and would feel like crying because his parents went to such lengths just because he was fat. He thought he was wasting their money.

* * *

A 10 year old Samuel was now walking with whom he claimed was his best friend. He had never had a close friend  his entire life because no one, not even the teachers, were that fond of him or found him worth their attention. But a few days after entering 5th grade, he had found Royce, who enjoyed his company just as much as he did. Samuel liked to be alone at times, but when he had to do group projects or had to team up with people during P.E, he was always considered as their last choice (occasionally, a boy named June would play with him but most of the time he had his other friends to go to). No one really paid attention to him and though he didn't like much attention, he'd still feel lonely and sad. He was grateful that he had people to sit with during lunch, but no one qualified as his good friend.

But now, he smiled because that was no longer the case since he had Royce. He hoped he wouldn't disappoint Royce or make him mad, and hoped that their friendship would last forever, since this was the first time he had someone who he could call a friend. Someone who he could be happy with.

Alas, just a year later, Royce had left school. Left Samuel, who had believed hard that they would be best friends forever. For the whole of 7th grade, Samuel was lost. His marks deteriorated, he became more insignificant in his eyes and his insecurities bloomed.

* * *

Four years had passed since Royce left his school. Three years had passed since he and June became the best of friends. Two years passed since he learned how to befriend music - something he knew would stick with him even if he tried pushing it away, something he knew would play an important role in his life and most importantly, something that comforted him like nothing and nobody else. And yet, Samuel still felt just as worthless, as useless and as terrible as he did for three years. He was a nobody. He was ugly and fat. He didn't deserve June. He deserved loneliness. All of his insecurities that he'd built from childhood were now coming at him, slowly gnawing at his brain and creeping into his conscience.

* * *

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