Chapter 52: Indigo

TW

SELF HARM

MENTIONS OF RAPE

PANIC ATTACK

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I knock on the door of greys office and stroll in casually, he's in a meeting with another mafia Don but I'm the priority so he can deal with it

"Yes indigo, please do interrupt my meeting without knocking" he says to me and glares at me.

"I did knock" I tell him and he rolls his eyes and pats his lap. I walk over to him and sit on his knee, he kisses me shortly and looks to the other man who's watching us with curiosity.

"Indigo knightly?" He questions and I look at grey, he nods in reassurance and I turn back the other man who's waiting patiently for an answer.

I nod and he smirks at me.

"I've heard lots of thing about you" he says and I sigh in boredom.

" I've heard nothing about you" I reply and grey chuckles.

"Andre Taylor, Don of the Spanish mafia" he introduces himself and I roll my eyes knowing that he now expects a conversation I can't be bothered to entertain.

"You know me already, now can you wrap this up so I can do something with grey" I tell them and grey nods and I get up.

"We were just finishing up any way" Andre says and I turn to grey who looks at me expectantly.

"I need you for something in the bedroom" his eyes light up like a child at Christmas and I quickly squash his dream.

"No not for that asshole" I say and pat his chest before I turn on my heel and walk out. I nod at Andre and he smiles at me. Nice enough I suppose.

I go upstairs and get all the dresses ready that I'm going to try on as I wait for grey to join me. He finally walks through the door after some time and goes to turn around when he sees all the dresses hung up on a rack.

I grab his ear and he has to really bend over so I'm not lifted up when he stands to his full abnormally large height. I let go when he sits on my bean bag and I pull the gun from his waistband.

"If you try to leave I'll shoot you" he nods and I smile sweetly at him before I walk over to the bed and grab the first dress. I walk into the closet and begin to change into the floor length blue satin dress with diamond encrusted straps.

"What are we doing" he asks from his position on the beanbag just as I finish changing and putting on the heels that go with the dress.

"I'm trying on dresses for the ball and you're going to tell me which ones you like and which ones you don't like" I explain as I walk out the wardrobe. He looks up from his phone and he smirks at me.

"Does that mean I get to take them off you sweetheart?" He asks and I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. He laughs at me and I stick my middle finger up at him.

"I really like this one baby" he gives his opinion but I don't really like it as I look in the mirror at my reflection.

"I don't, it makes me look clumpy" I say and walk back into the closet as he mutters   something about me being fucking ridiculous.

"Ok how about this?" I ask after changing into a gold knee length cocktail dress, he shakes his head and I frown at him.

"Why?" I ask and he shrugs as I head back into the wardrobe with another option for me to try on and probably not like. I re-enter the bedroom once I e changed into the dress and snort slightly when grey glares at it with hate.

"Too short" he says protectively and I roll my eyes at him.

I walk out in another blue dress but this time a lighter blue, it's ankle length and I has pleats in the dress.

"It's nice but it not the dress is it?" I give my opinion on the dress and grey hums absentmindedly.

"I like it if you like it" he says and I smile.

"Take as long as you need to feel comfortable in the dress you're going to wear"

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"Fucking hell, I take it back, just pick a fucking dress, we've been doing this for 2 hours" grey complains, running a hand down his face and groaning in annoyance. He's not wrong we have been doing this for a while but I can't decide what I want to wear.

I change out of the emerald gown I just put on and look at a blue one that's still on the rack, I walk over to it and it looks oddly familiar but it looks really elegant so I take it off the rack and change into it.

When I walk out and twirl grey sighs heavily and I look over to him in aggravation.

"Are you fucking kidding me indigo, that's the first one you tried" he tells me and it makes sense about why it seemed so familiar now.

"Oh yeah, why didn't I like this one again?"

"Probably to piss me off and make this experience way longer than it had to be because you're a little shit" grey whines and I chuck a heel that's been laying around since 4 dresses ago at him.

"This is fucking abuse" he says and I roll my eyes at him.

"You're a mafia boss suck it up"I say as I look in the mirror. The longer I stare at my reflection, the more my scars feels like small burns searing at my skin. I feel ashamed to know that I caused some of them.

When I was 13 and I'd been home for a few months I began self harming, I stopped when Matt found me unconscious in the bathroom and I had to be rushed into hospital because of the blood I lost. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing that to my family again, so I resist the urge every time I want to do it. I can't hurt them all just because I'm being selfish.

I felt like I couldn't reach out and talk to anyone and that I needed to control something, anything in my life because up until that point I had been controlled. I just wanted to feel better and happier and I did for a while, it was relief for a pain that no amount of medicine could fix. I'm not proud of it but I'm also not ashamed. It was a coping mechanism and I shouldn't be ashamed of that.

Two arms wrap around me from behind and I don't realize I'm crying until grey kisses a tear that's running down my flushed cheek away.

"Dont cry baby, please don't cry" he pleads with me and i see the pain in his eyes as I rub at my arms.

Sometimes I feel dirty and I know that I'm not but I can't help the disgust that Consumes me when I take a second to review my reflection in the mirror I always tend to avoid.

"Hey, hey sweetheart please don't do that, you're so fucking perfect baby. I promise that nothing about you is dirty. You're the most beautiful girl in the world and I need you to understand that your scars don't show weakness they tell a story that you survived and that you were so fucking brave. I'm so proud of you baby" he tells me and rests his chin on the top of my head.

"Thanks grey" I say but I don't absorb the kind information.  My skin feels itchy and my mind is going blurry.

I can't

My hands curl into fists at the thought of what I want to do and I squeeze my eyes closed as my brain tries to stop me from walking away from the one person who I love. I look at myself In the mirror once again and even grey can't anchor me to reality as I look in disgust at the girl that stares back, broken and used, raped and beaten, I feel completely worthless and It really fucking hurts.

"I need a minute, can you just go downstairs for a second?" I ask grey and he nods and leaves.

I can't

The door shuts behind him and I slip out the dress.

I can't

I throw a large top over myself and go into the bathroom to search for what I want.

I can't

I get out the small sharp razor blade and go into my room again, the tears fall down my face hot and quickly.

I can't

I lock my bedroom door and sit on my bed. I bring the blade to my thigh and breathe out as tears blur my vision.

I can't

I press it to the inside of my thigh and run it across my skin, deep and painless. I feel a fucked up kind of relief from the sensation and I do it again.  The blood rushes out the wounds and I repeat the action until my hearing goes and my sight is fuzzy.

"Indi? I left my phone, I'm coming in to get it are you decent?" I hear grey ask and I panic. I throw the blade under my bed and get up. I feel dizzy as I rush over to the beanbag and get greys phone for him. He can't know.

I don't think it through properly as I open the door and hand him the phone, he grabs my hand and looks at me In shock.

"What. The. Fuck. Is that?" He asks and my breathing goes crazy, my chest tightens and i heave for air.

"Nothing"I say as clearly as I can manage and go to shut the door but grey barges through it with his shoulder and grabs both my wrists.

"Indigo, what's happening?" He asks with wide eyes when he takes in my state and then he looks down. I know there's blood, I can feel it dribbling down my leg.

"Indigo baby......What have you done?" He almost whispers and I break, there's only so much i can deal with and I can't deal with hurting him.

"Shit, shit, fuck, I'm so sorry sweetheart, fuck" he curses and picks me up, he goes into the bathroom and sets me on the counter, he rolls up my shirt and asses the six long, deep cuts on my thigh.

"Fuck, why baby? why did you do this sweetheart? what did I do wrong?" he says and my breathing quickens at the thought of him imagining it's his fault.

I want to reassure him and tell him that it's not his fault, that he didn't do anything wrong atall but it's like the words are stuck in my throat.

"Just breathe for me darling, in and out" he tries to calm me down but I can clearly see panic in his eyes.

"I don't know what to do baby, I'm sorry, fucking hell im so sorry" he mutters as he finds some rubbing alcohol and pads to clean my cuts.

I feel awful, I'm an awful person. I'm selfish.

He wraps a bandage and dressing around my thigh once he's done cleaning my cuts and the bleeding has stopped nearly all together.

He rests his forehead gently on mine and sighs.

"Why? Why would you do that to yourself sweetheart?" He asks and I sigh in defeat

"I don't know" I whisper in a hoarse voice and he hugs me so tightly I think I might burst.

"I'm sorry, i reacted badly, you really fucking scared me" he admits and picks me up from the counter and leads me to bed.

I let the tired tears fall from my eyes as I lay in greys embrace. I wish I could say why. I wish I could answer the reason for why I do that.

I can't though.

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Sorry :(

Love y'all

Happy reading!