Steeling Her: Chapter 49

I haven’t stopped thinking about her.

This radio silence is driving me nuts. I’ve been interrogating my dad ever since he arrived and dropped the bombshell that he paid her a visit that I didn’t know about. My heart sunk into my chest, but when he dived into the details, my heart was beginning to slow down and get back to normal.

As much as I appreciate him coming all this way to apologize to her, I’m still protective over her. I’m worried.

Why is she so quiet?

What is going on in that mind of hers?

She hasn’t said a word to the girls, either, which is very unlike her. The girls usually get it out of her one way or another. Nobody has heard from her, and I don’t know what to do. Seeing her and hearing from her has given me hope, but when I’m not able to, it sends me right back to the start of the five years of being apart.

I can’t let that happen. Even if it’s just friends, I’ll have to bite my tongue being around him and seeing them together, but getting to see her will make my day.

It’s been weeks, and I’m feeling every bit confused. Something must have happened for her to just shut herself away from people.

I have been calling and calling my dad since his return home. He’s back in Mississippi, but I have been asking him over and over what he said, how did he say it, how did she take it, and if he’s sure he said it like that. I’ve been going through all the possibilities of how much he’s offended her and have come up with nothing.

Just when I think I understand her, I fall right back to the beginning. I have to start again.

***

It was the sound of someone knocking vigorously on my front door that did it for me.

I grunt with my eyes closed as I roll over on my side to peek out of my window so I could see if I recognized any cars outside. The bright light blinds me as I open it a little. I can see one gleaming white Audi that I recognize from a mile away.

“Shit.” I sigh and reach for my water bottle to cure my thirst.

The banging continues, and this time, it’s not the people who live next door to me doing their nightly activities they very much love to do on a regular basis.

I have been keeping to the same routine and to myself these past days. Go to work and come home. That’s it. I haven’t been speaking to anyone or seeing other people.

I’ve been trying to figure out my own thoughts and other people’s words. I’ve been trying to find my balance, figure out where I fit and where I belong in this world.

I have been weighing it all out.

The pros. The cons.

The good. The bad. The ugly.

The hits. The misses.

You get the picture.

I’ve been frustrated with myself. One minute, I’m ready; then the next, I’m not.

I swing from left to right, and I don’t know what I want anymore.

I’m confused, frustrated, and tired.

I’m exhausted, and I haven’t been doing my usual things. I’ve stopped.

Maybe I’m overthinking it?

“I know you’re in there!” Haley yells as I slide myself back into bed and cover myself with the sheets, sinking deep into the mattress designed just for me. I am very particular with my mattresses.

I ignore them in the hopes of them going away.

“Carter?” I now hear Danielle call out for me. “Carter, come on. Open up, we know you’re in there. We can see your car parked outside.” She has a point, I have been running from everyone when it’s me that needs to sort it out. Then again, who’s to say that I’m in my home? I could be out for a walk in the park just down the street from here. But they also might have already checked there before coming over. I don’t do it on purpose, I blank everyone off so I can regroup. It’s one of my many flaws, but it has served me well.

None of them know that I ended things with Ted. I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone. It’s been some time. It’s not that I’m ashamed or embarrassed to tell them. Hell, I’ve been dumped more times than I can count. It’s the fact that I know some people, namely Haley, didn’t like Ted, so they will whip out a mariachi band when I can’t find the energy or delight to celebrate. I know I will feel better after this, but there’s something that has been weighing on my mind since breaking it off with Ted which has put a stop for me to move.

I just don’t know what I want. I need more clarity.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I roll my eyes at their persistence. I flip back the sheets from my upper body and reach for my phone to see Danielle calling me.

I sigh and swipe to answer her.

“Hello?” I answer in a disgruntled tone while I’m still in my bed.

“Please! Just answer the door!” Danielle begs.

“Bitch, open up! We’re not leaving until you do!” Haley yells down the line, making me smile a little at her determination. She’s always been the pushy one. While Danielle can be pushy, she knows her limits; the sky is the limit with her, but I guess I’ve managed to reach that limit.

Haley’s always been such a good friend to me and Danielle. She will back you up until the day she dies. She doesn’t even need the full story, she’ll still be there for you.

If only they knew.

“I’m sleeping,” I say and roll over to my side.

“If you were sleeping, you wouldn’t have answered or be speaking to us right now. Carter, come on. We brought food.” The mention of food starts making me weigh up the pros and cons of letting them in.

And as much as I love them, I’m leaning towards “no.” Then I remind myself how much of an earful I’ll hear for the entire day of I don’t. So, I quickly decide against my initial thought.

“Fine.” I finally give in. I hang up to go and let them in. I pull some shorts on and tie my hair up in a bun as I make my way towards the front door of my home. I unlock the door, only for it to burst open. I see a pissed off Haley morph quickly into a confused Haley. As for Danielle, she keeps a neutral expression while on the phone with someone else.

“Yeah, she finally let us in. I got this, don’t worry,” she says to my brother, obviously. If it’s not him, we have a problem. “I love you, talk soon.” She hangs up and puts her phone into her purse.

“Carter, I say this with love and with good intentions, you need to shower.” Haley walks past me and towards the windows to open up my blinds, allowing the light come in. I sniff my shirt to see if she’s right.

Okay, maybe I do smell a little bad, but she’s also being super dramatic, I think to myself.

“I’ll go have one now,” I say as I close the door after they step inside.

“We’ll take care of everything else. You just have a nice, hot shower and we’ll get going.” Danielle shoos me into the bathroom where my shower is and tells me everything is taken care of.

“I thought you said you had food?” I question them as I’m being pushed into my bathroom.

“Yeah, it’s in the car. You can eat and sit in the car when we’re on our way.” Haley waves it off as she continues to let the light into my home. “What are you, Dracula?” she mutters.

“Wait, where are we going?” I ask and Danielle throws a towel at me from the cupboard, ignoring my question. “Danielle, where are you taking me?” I ask again.

She stands at the door and says, “Shower.” She closes it and leaves me standing there in utter confusion. “I don’t hear the shower running!” she sings through the door like she would to her own child. I reach my hand in and let the water fall.

I wait for it to heat up a little before I get in. I strip off my clothes and kick them into the laundry basket as they clearly need a wash. I release my hair from the bun I put on and throw the scrunchy on the shelf underneath the mirror. As soon as I feel the room heating up, I know it’s time for me to get in.

I start to rinse my hair and gather it under the water, allowing it to soak. I place some shampoo into my hand and feel it lather my head as I gently massage it into my scalp for a bit of TLC.

I sigh deeply as I feel the hot water run down my body, soothing it as time goes on.

Then, Haley pounds on the door and threatens me that she’ll turn the cold faucet in the kitchen on if I don’t hurry up and get going. So, I rush my shower and got out quickly, got dressed, and meet the two girls in the kitchen where I could see they were spraying air freshener around the room.

“Okay, I’m ready,” I say with damp hair. They rushed me, so I I didn’t have the time to dry it. Either way, the heat outside will do the honors.

“Normally, I would tell you to go back inside to dry your hair, but you have the most perfect waves when you don’t do it, so it’ll go great with where we’re going and what you’re wearing.” Haley eyeballs me to see if she approves. “The outfit is fine. We don’t have time to go and change, so come on. Let’s go.” She takes a hold of my hand and drags me towards the door.

“But where are we going?” I ask as I grab my purse and keys as I’m being dragged from one end to the other without stopping.

“It’s a surprise. It’s a girls’ day out, so all you need to do is to relax and enjoy yourself.” Haley winks as I watch Danielle shut the front door behind her and lock it with my keys that I threw to her.

“Fine.” I grunt once more before I’m thrown into the backseat where the food rests opposite to me. The entire car smells of Chick-fil-A, just what I like.

I check inside and see a grilled chicken sandwich with a side of waffle fries, ketchup, and—of course—my favorite lemonade. They know my order.

“Are you still hangry or are you feeling better?” Danielle asks me, twisting around in her seat to face me as we stuff our faces with the food they had ordered that’s, miraculously, still hot enough to eat. I nod in response; I’m still stuffing my mouth with the food, not able to speak a sentence. I’ve been eating a balanced meal for a while now, so it’s good to have a cheat meal every once in a while to keep you sane. Plus, prior to the breakup, I was sick to my stomach about having to talk to Ted, so I didn’t eat much. Then the few days after, I was the same thinking it would be all over with once I did the deed.

It took time to readjust, and it still is taking some time, but I am over it.

As we drive to where we are going, which is somewhere only they know, I wonder why it’s such a big secret or why they can’t tell me.

When we park near our destination, I still don’t recognize where we are. I step out of the car due to the colors and beauty of my surroundings. A gorgeous pink cherry blossom tree sways in the wind with the peak of blue ocean water behind it that meets the sky in the middle.

It’s truly stunning.

“You like it?” Danielle shut the door and smiles over the top of the car at me.

“Yeah.” I sigh after exhaling a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“Come on.” Haley shuts the trunk of the car, bringing two bags in either hand. “You haven’t seen the best part yet.” She grins. I close the door and send Danielle a look, only for her to give nothing away. It looks like the girls packed a bag for me while I was in the shower.

As the three of us walk down towards the shoreline, we come into contact with a few people walking up and down the strip of quaint shops aligned to one side.

A mixture of holistic shops and boho-chic boutiques occupies the strip.

“Okay, so here we are,” Haley says as she climbs up the decking that leads onto a yacht.

A bright white big shiny yacht.

“Wait, what?” I point at the sparklingly clean motorized vehicle that is rocking back and forth on the water.

“Come on!” Danielle pushes me in the direction Haley walked in to get onto the yacht. The staff are all lined up uniformly. One man reaches over to take Haley’s bags from her hands and to allow her to safely get on the yacht.

“It’s fucking huge!” I squirm at the sight. “Did you buy it?” I ask her; I can’t take my eyes off of it.

“Nope. TJ rented it for the day, so I thought it would be a good day out for us. You know, catch up on the tan, relax, and have some girl time,” she says. She smiles and thanks the man who helped her. “So, come on! Get your ass on this yacht, Steel!” she jokingly shouts to me as I nervously make my way toward the walkway that thankfully has railings on either side so I can hold on for dear life.

Me and water have this hate-hate relationship. I don’t like swimming and everyone knows that. I haven’t changed.

But once I’m on the yacht, I should be fine. Although, once I stay on it, I need about ten life jackets wrapped around me.

The same guy helps me on, but I’m just a little less graceful than Haley. I grip on to his arm a little more than I should, but I just don’t want to fall in. I borderline give him a Chinese burn because of my nervous nature when it comes to the water.

“Sorry,” I apologize to him, only for him to laugh and tell me it’s no problem. Like Haley, Danielle gets on the yacht and sets herself down without any help. It’s not their first rodeo. It’s not mine, either, but I just hate the water.

I like the shallow end, where I can stand up and remain in control.

Once we are all on, we change into our swimsuits so we can relax in the sun for the day. This is something I never knew I needed. I was happy to sit alone in my home for the next few weeks, but I knew it wouldn’t be good for me in the long run. I have to face people—I have to face my family, my friends, and Nick. My brother plays on the same team as him, how can I not see him?

The talk I had with Mr. Jackson keeps playing in my mind, over and over, and I cannot stop thinking about it.

Keep an open mind.

Everything he said shocked me to my core. It wasn’t a visit I thought I would ever get, especially not from him of all people.

But I couldn’t get over the look of sorrow in his eyes. A plea for forgiveness that I knew he needed. It was a long time coming. I knew I would forgive him in the end, I just needed clarity—the release and understanding.

It took five years, I know, but he finally made the effort; that’s what matters most to me. I don’t agree with what he did, but he learned from his mistake and made the effort to correct it. Time is going by, and fast. I refuse to hold anymore grudges; they’ll eat me alive. I cannot carry the burden any longer. It’s too much, and the weight is too great.

It’s time to move on and move upwards.

Let go and be free.

We gather at the bow of the yacht and sit on the beds they had prepared for us just as the engine revs a little. The yacht begins to move from the dock. I have never been on such a luxurious yacht in my life. It’s beautiful. I know TJ’s wallet is going to hurt after this treat he gave us.

Haley lays back and sighs in content. She is living the life she always wanted—a life of luxury. To be fair to her, she stayed in college and got her degree in business management. Has she used it? Not a single ounce of it.

I join her and lay back on the warm sun bed, kicking off my sandals and tucking them underneath the bed at the end so they are out of the sun. Danielle saunters out with a board full of food, except this time, it’s filled with food fancier than normal; prawns, skewers, caviar, bread sticks, cheese, grapes, and some hummus. There are some fine delicacies on the wooden board. I’m full from the lunch in the car, but I will no doubt be picking some for myself soon enough.

Fast food only fills me for a certain period of time, then I get hungry again. I pride myself on eating so well these days. Candice and I push each other to stay fit and healthy, so we tend to stay away from the greasy stuff and go straight for the nutritious stuff, but there are the odd days where we need to let loose and treat ourselves. We don’t do it often, even if we want to.

“So . . .” Haley sits up and lets her sunglasses slide down the bridge of her nose so she can look at me. Me and Danielle look at her expectantly, waiting for her to say something. “I wanted to ask you both something,” she starts.

I’m grateful they haven’t bothered me about why I’ve locked myself away from everyone, even though I know Haley is usually straight to the point, she’s being respectful. However, I am also not stupid enough to realize that they know.

I know Haley’s dad stayed with her. He most likely spoke to the three of them about what me and her dad talked about. Then of course, with her big mouth, she obviously told Danielle, who then told my brother, who then told the rest of my family.

The texts and phone calls suddenly stopped at the same time. I know they want to hear more, but they also know how I’m like. I will talk about it in my own time, not theirs. Between the breakup and the visit from Mr. Jackson, I need the time off, but they only know half of the story.

Danielle nods for her to continue while she eats her cheese and grapes.

“We’ve set the date,” she says. We both smile back at Haley, who looks so excited to talk about her wedding. “We’re going to do it next summer, back in Mississippi. I was going back and forth between here and there, but I’ve decided that I want to do it back home.” She shrugs her shoulder, acting like it’s not a big deal, but we all know it is to her. “Well, TJ really wanted to go back there, so were doing it in our local church. Plus, we have a really great place for the reception. We both want to stick to traditional marriage.” I can see how much she truly loves TJ. Nothing has changed the way she feels about him.

“That’s amazing!” Danielle reaches across and squeezes her hand.

“So, will you both be my bridesmaids?” she asks us. “I’ve asked my cousin Taylor to be my Maid of Honour and Ellie to be a bridesmaid too.” She clasps her hands tighter, hoping that we say yes.

We both look at one another, I know Danielle is going to play this a little and so will I.

“Oh I don’t know Haley, I don’t know if I have the time. You know with Taylor—” Danielle begins.

“And me with work, I don’t know if well be able to come—” I add before being interrupted.

“Bitches, shut the fuck up! Y’all are going, so don’t make me drag you down there! And you will both be my bridesmaids and like it. I will put you in ugly dresses if you refuse, don’t test me.” She waves us off as we all begin to laugh loudly at how well we know each other. We knew she wouldn’t buy it with us. It still didn’t hurt to play with her a little.

“Fine, if we must!” Danielle sighs dramatically beside me as she lays herself back to lounge glamorously in the sunshine. Nothing beats the hot sun beaming down on you.

The yacht continues to sail out to sea. The calm blue ocean surrounds us. A slight breeze washes over us as we relax together, talking nonsense, and spending some much needed time together. Much of it is my fault for being locked up away in my home.

It was my choice. I wanted some time away from people and remain with my thoughts. Even though I have no real clarity on what I want, I know that this is the first step to finding out. My grandma used to say that if you can’t make a definitive decision on something, start with the pros and cons, which is what I did.

I made a list of each and redid it over and over. Still nothing definitive.

“So,” Danielle starts and I know that this isn’t another wedding conversation, “how have you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.” She gently grazes my arm to tell me she’s speaking to me, but I already knew she was without even so much as a glimpse at her.

“Yeah, I’ve been fine,” I say, rolling my shoulders so they press deeper into the bed to find the sweet spot of comfort.

“Yeah?” she asks, hoping I’d elaborate more.

“Yeah, I’ve been just quite busy with work and covering for some people. I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now,” I tell a straight-faced lie to my friends.

If there is one thing about lying and me, the lies eat away until I confess. I soon realize there isn’t any point, but Danielle gets there before I did.

“How’s Ted?” she asks. I stare up the the bright blue sky with a small amount of clouds floating by.

This needs to be said. It’s best coming from me.

“I wouldn’t know,” I say as I sit up and face her. She tilts her head to the side and shields her face from the hot sun with her hand to see me better.

“Why? Did you have another fight?” she asks unknowingly. I peer out at the horizon, trying to look anywhere but them. I know that they aren’t judging me but I just feel shitty about how it transpired. I thought it would have been mutual, yet he dropped the fact he had a ring for me. It was messy, to say the least.

“No, we broke up.” I see Haley’s body lurch forward in surprise and concern.

“What?” she whispers. I know she never really liked him, and the feeling was very much mutual to him too, but I do appreciate her concern.

“Yeah, I ended it with him. About two weeks ago,” I confess.

“It all makes sense.” Haley nods. “You hid yourself away again because you ended it. You don’t have to feel ashamed, Carter. He’s the one who should be. He didn’t treat you—”

“Haley.” Danielle shakes her head, urging her to not to go there.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” She reaches for a hug and I accept. She isn’t wrong. I was too accepting of his behavior. I should have stood up for myself more. I have to confess, I took my anger that I had for Nick out on Ted when he first came to LA, but it only solidified the fact that there was a problem between us. I just chose to ignore it in the hopes that he would change, but a man won’t change unless he’s wants to.

“I feel fine about the breakup. I really do,” I say as we move away. I face both girls and cross my legs so we can have this conversation. It’s been two weeks, and I know they’re dying to find out what happened. “I just—I just find it strange that I don’t have someone, you know? To, like, call, message, or go to dinner with. I think I just got used to being in a relationship and got comfortable. It’s just weird for me. That’s all. I have to find my new normal and get used to it. I went from talking almost every day to nothing. It’s an adjustment that I’m forced to make.” I stare at the peace and tranquillity the ocean is gifting to us today. It’s so calm. There is no other place I’d rather be than here at this moment, even when I initially thought it was at the comfort of my bed “Why didn’t you tell us? We would have been there for you.” Danielle rests a supportive hand on my exposed thigh.

“I know you both would have, that wasn’t the point. I just—” I take a deep breath and release it soon after to take some time to gather my own racing thoughts. “I just wanted to be alone for a while. It was my choice to do it. I just wanted to think and have my space.” As we sit on the yacht, we rock slightly from side to side together in harmony. “I needed the time to refocus and gather myself together. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to talk to you guys;. I did it for me.” Talking to them feels easier once I have my mind back and I know just what to say instead of having random words come out of my mouth and hoping it makes sense. I had been in a lot of turmoil that I never knew I was in with Ted. I was on edge, but as soon as I left his house, I felt it dissipate. I didn’t know I was holding on to a feeling of uncertainty until we had ended things.

“I’m sorry, Carter.” Danielle reaches in for a hug to which I accept.

“Yeah, so am I.” Haley joins us in a three way hug. “I’m glad you took some time for yourself, ” she whispers. Due to the duration I had to fix myself and find my mojo, I feel fine talking about it. Honestly, I came to the resolution and acceptance before I went to end it, so the aftermath wasn’t like it had been before with other guys. This time, it was me. I felt in control of my reaction and emotions. I gave myself the day to mourn when usually it takes longer to get back to normal. Although, I still had to work on treating myself without any outside opinions. I took the time to allow myself to move on and be able to say this today. It gave me the strength that I have, and I’m not ashamed to say it.

“So am I. I needed it, and I feel a little better for doing it,” I say with a smile. We sit back on our beds. Haley removes her sunglasses and watches me. I wait for her to speak and so does Danielle, but she says nothing.

“What?” she asks.

“Your face says you want to say something.” Danielle points at her with a smirk.

“Just say it.” I laugh, repeating Ted’s words from that day.

“What? I don’t know what you are talking about.” She flips her hair and looks back at the ocean we were once admiring.

“Okay then.” I smile and lay back down, but Danielle and I continue to watch her and wait for her to cave. I know she wants to say it.

Feeling our eyes on her, she peers back around at us. She’s trying to suppress a smile on her face, but she’s so terrible at it that she grins widely. “I’m so glad you dumped that asshole!” She leaps up and starts dancing on her own.

“And there we have it, ladies and gentleman!” Danielle laughs along with me as we watch the bride-to-be dance with pride.

“Champagne!” Haley calls for a staff member to fetch us some drinks. I roll my eyes at her antics, I knew she’d be like this. “This calls for a fucking celebration, ladies!” We both roll our eyes as she runs after the staff getting us the bottle. “I want your best one!” she yells after him.

We’re met with another round of silence. Another hand rests on my leg. It makes me look at my best friend.

“You knew that was coming.” She giggles and then stops.

“We both did.” I nod, grinning back at her and fixing my hair that fell across my face due to the breeze.

“How are you, though?” she asks. “Like, how are you really doing?”

I sigh to myself and the journey that I’ve had. “I knew I had to do it. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. I didn’t want to hurt him either, but I knew I did. It wasn’t as smooth as I thought it would be. He wasn’t happy, but I felt better leaving his house after I broke it off,” I reassure her. “It’ll take time, but I’m getting there.” I nod just as we hear rushed footsteps coming back out. Haley bounces back on top of the bed in her orange bikini in excitement as the waiter brings out a bottle of champagne on ice and three flutes a few seconds after her return.

We were each handed a crystal flute before the bottle was popped open. We poured a generous amount into each of our glasses.

“Cheers to us!” Haley says and we all clink out glasses before taking a sip of the nice, bubbly beverage.

A few hours into the day trip, the two girls had jumped off the side of the yacht and into the water while I watch from the side, knowing I wouldn’t be comfortable getting into the water. Each having their hair wet, we were in high spirits due to the champagne we were drinking.

“I don’t know how I’m going to drive us back!” Haley laughs as she chugs the rest of the champagne in her flute back into her mouth.

“Um, you are not driving us back, no fucking way. Your driving skills are bad without the alcohol and it’ll be way worse with it. I’ll call an Uber to get us home. You can collect your car in the morning instead. That’s much safer than you driving!” Danielle warns her only for Haley to pout.

“My driving isn’t bad!” she scoffs playfully.

“Uh, yes it is!” Danielle and I say in unison, making the three of us drunkenly laugh together like we did at parties in college when we all went to them.

We never left each other’s side, we always shared everything. After our first year, we moved into a small home just outside of the college campus and we lived there for the next year. Danielle left us to be with Chris and to give birth to Taylor, but Haley and I stayed in the house. She came to visit us every so often with my brother and niece. We have been close ever since we met back in freshman year of college. Joined at the hip even when Danielle moved away. Nothing got in between us.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, bitch.” Haley sticks her tongue out playfully, making Danielle throw a grape at her.

“Your entrées.” We were greeted at the table with delicious appetizers that had been especially made for us. A shared platter of Italian delicacies ranging from olives, bruschetta, a caprese salad, and some crabs cooked in garlic butter.

Our eyes widen in delight at the carefully made food just for us tonight. The mains were even better, and don’t get me started on the dessert. I now found myself waddling on deck as we move from the dinner table to the back of the yacht to continue our conversation and drinking for the night. We were given blankets to keep each other warm as night begins to fall while we were out on the open water.

A sigh of content echoes around the water from the three of us. The day couldn’t have went any better. No guys, no kids, and no bothers.

Except for one. It’s the one that keeps niggling in the back of my mind, wanting to make it to the front. The same old thought.

“What’s on your mind?” Danielle asks while fixing the super soft blanket they had given us around her body until she settles down.

I lay my head back and look heavenwards at the beautiful, shining stars above us. The moon brighter than any light around us.

“Nothing,” I lie, not wanting to talk about it, or him.

“Bullshit.” Haley snorts, knowing me all too well.

“What’s on your minds then, huh?” I tease them and take the limelight off me for now.

“I think you could both guess.” Haley smiles.

“TJ,” Danielle and I say simultaneously.

“Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!” Haley jokes, holding up her glass in the air.

“You missing him?” I ask her.

“Yeah, I always miss him when I’m not with him.” She shrugs. That’s something that we already know. She and TJ are inseparable and always have been since they started dating. “How about you guys?” she asks us both.

“Meh, Chris can wait.” Danielle chuckles into her glass. I know she adores my brother, and he feels the same with her, but they always make a joke about it. They like to keep things light in their relationship. “The only thing I’m missing right now this wine I’m drinking,” she jokes to the waiter coming over to fill up her glass. “It’s been a while since I’ve had one, you know? Thank you.” She smiles at the young waiter who finishes topping up her glass. “Having Taylor kind of cut all of that out for the first few years. Now, I’m starting to get back into it. I usually don’t drink when I’m home in case she gets sick or something and I have to bring her somewhere. I know Chris doesn’t drink during the season, but I take care of her during the days and sometimes nights when we’re not with him during away games. I need to be sober to look after my child, you know?” She sits back once more to get comfortable.

“That makes sense.” I nod. She’s a great mom to Taylor, and Chris is a great dad to her too. It was rocky at first but they both got there in the end.

“How about you?” Haley asks me.

“I don’t have anyone to miss, remember?” I state the obvious.

“I know, but you can miss other people too,” she hints. I stare at her with knowing eyes as she swirls the wine in her glass, avoiding eye contact altogether. I don’t reply. “Wait until I tell TJ and Nick—”

“No, Haley, you can’t tell them. You can’t tell Chris either Danielle.” I stop her.

“What? Why? You don’t owe him anything, Carter,” Haley says a little too harshly for my liking.

“I know I don’t, I didn’t say I did. I just want to figure things out first, so just don’t tell anyone. I will in my time,” I ask this small thing from them.

Haley looks like she was going to object but Danielle got there first. “Fine, we will,” Danielle agrees with me but sends Haley a pointed look to warn her to just do as I say.

“Fine.” Haley grunts before taking another sip of her wine. Another bit of silence cloaks over us as night falls.

I had a great day on the yacht. I appreciate what they did for me, coming to my house and dragging me out of bed then bringing me here for the day. Getting to spend some quality time with them has brought me out of the funk I was in. Time to get back on track now. Time to focus on the present and not the past. Time to create those memories and time to live my life like I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be Carter fucking Steel once again.

“Are you still in love with him?” Haley asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Haley, she broke up with him,” Danielle says incredulously back at our friend. “You can’t ask her that,” Danielle says in a sharp tone. Haley has always been bold, she’s never one to shy away from her feelings or what’s on her mind. She always says whatever she feels like, it can be a blessing and curse with her.

“I didn’t mean Ted,” she responds to Danielle softly, keeping her eyes on me. I stare at her green eyes, just like her older brother’s, knowing that she’s talking about him. With how she asked the question, I knew she wasn’t speaking about Ted. It was too soft to be. She was almost hopeful towards the end of the question, like she was wishing I’d say yes.

I adjust myself so I turn myself away from them. I rest my arm on the back of the seat, bending my elbow and laying my chin on top of my arm to peer out at the light reflecting the movement of the peaks and troughs of the waves that hit beneath us.

The beam of the crescent moon creates a luminescent glow reflecting the surface of the turbulent water, the small spatter of the water hitting against the side of the yacht with minor splashes occurring against the giant gleaming white boat we are on. I hear a small hiss after the wave hits as the water crashes backwards, making the sea foam we all know.

A calmness allows me to think more about the main question I keep asking myself over and over. There’s no doubt that I still love Nick. My question is, is it all worth the fight? Can I put myself out there again and take the chance that we can do it again? Can my heart do that once more, or has it had enough? That is the question I can’t seem to answer.

“Do you?” she repeats herself, this time with no objection from Danielle.

I shut my eyes, feeling this moment of clarity in my mind. The only clarity I’ve had since seeing him again.

And when I do, close my eyes; I can see him.

“Yeah. I do still love him,” I finally say. “I never stopped.”