Steeling Her: Chapter 33

The vibration of my phone beside my bed jolts me out of my sleep that I was very much enjoying. I mumble profanities to myself as I roll over to see who is calling me at this hour of the morning. It’s a Saturday, and I was hell bent on sleeping in today so I could stay awake for the party after the game tonight.

Once I squint with one eye, I see my boyfriend’s name light up on my screen with our picture together; the picture of us on the boat from our first ever date together.

“Hello?” I answer him sleepily and slam my body back down in the cold, dark room. When this call is over, I have no doubt in my mind I will drift back off to sleep. I need it since I’ve been waking up so early in the morning and staying up late for this week. I had a test yesterday afternoon, so I had to get studying for it. Plus, I was up all night talking to Nick on some nights.

I need to keep my GPA high for myself. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I want my parents to be happy with my grades. I want them to be proud of me. Learning is my thing, while sports is my brothers’ thing.

“Hey,” he responds as I try to blink myself awake but my eyes are sewn shut.

“What’s up?” I ask him when he doesn’t say anything further. The line goes silent. I wonder if he’s still there. I lift the phone back away from my face to see if he’s still on the line. He is, and I place it back to my ear. “Nick?” I ask him.

“Ugh! Yeah! Sorry, I was daydreaming there.” He laughs a little.

“Okay?” I chuckle to myself.

“I was wondering if you could meet me for coffee this morning?” he invites me, and I furrow my brows wondering why?

There’s something up with him. I can hear it in his tone. He sounds a little defeated. Maybe he’s nervous about today’s game? I know it’s a big one. As co-captain, he has a lot of weight on his shoulders this season. The title and the NFL drafting’s are coming up along with pressures of it being his last year on the college team. So, scouts attend the games more and more. pitching their ideas and plans for each of the players they want, coaxing them into thinking about joining their team. I know the drill from both sides. I grew up in that light.

“Is everything okay, Nick?” I inquire.

“Yeah . . . um, I just need to talk to you,” he says in a somber tone, one that I’m a little anxious about. There was a slight waver in his voice that has me a little more awake to this conversation, or the one that will happen.

“Okay, um . . . what time would you like me to be there at?” I ask him as I set myself up and place him on speaker. I can feel my nerves begin to act up.

“Meet me in half an hour? At the coffee place next to the library?” he informs me as I rummage through my drawers to find some fresh clothes and underwear to put on.

“Yeah, sure I’ll see you soon,” I respond back, and I wait for him to agree and say goodbye. Once he does, I hang up and get a move on.

I change into some fresh clothes. It’s sunny outside, so I wear a light white top and pair it with ripped denim jeans and white converse. I throw my hair in a bun and wear no makeup. Luckily, my skin decided to behave itself today as I clean it and place moisturizer on top of its surface. Going barefaced isn’t my usual thing but today, I don’t have the time. I don’t want to keep him waiting.

Once I’m ready, I have ten minutes left before I’m officially late. I grab my purse as I leave out the door, shutting is delicately behind me. Neither Haley nor Danielle are awake at the moment, because what idiot would be awake at nine on a Saturday. Oh wait . . .

As I saunter through a deserted campus, I make my way towards the coffee shop as the sun shines down on me. I smile as it heats me up as I walk along the pathway with my bag on my shoulder.

Not a single person in sight. It looks like something from the apocalypse. Dead leaves and burnt grass dot the field next to me because the temperatures have been soaring for the past week. There hasn’t been a single cloud in the sky all week, and it has made people smile a little more. They’re getting their vitamin D as well as get to sit outside to study in their groups. Some would even throw a ball or frisbee to pass the time for a quick break. So, it’s a little unusual that Nick wants to go to a coffee shop when it’s so hot outside?

Maybe he didn’t sleep well last night because he’s anxious about the game and wants someone to talk to?

Seeing the coffee shop in my sight, I pick up my pace to see if Nick’s here yet. I can see him sitting in the window, staring down at his cup in a complete daze. He’s twirling it around in his hand as he watches unknowingly at the foam dancing. His large athletic body is hunched over the table in deep thought about something.

Nick doesn’t notice me until he hears the bells chime upon my entrance. His eyes flick up, and he smiles softly at me. I return it and make my way over to the table where he is sitting alone. He doesn’t let me sit down without a huge hug and a peck.

“Hey,” I beam up at him and he tucks the loose piece of hair that fell from my bun behind my ear. Staring at me like he’s amazed by me.

“Hey.” He lifts the left side of his mouth as a small smile. Cupping my cheeks in his hands, he stares at me for a little while longer, right into my eyes with those hunter-green eyes. “I ordered you an iced coffee with cookies and cream. I know you don’t want a hot chocolate right now, with the weather outside.” He brushes his thumbs across my cheeks. I lean more into it, adoring the simple, yet affectionate light caress.

“Thank you.” I kiss him in his warm and soft lips.

“It’s no problem.” He gestures for me to sit opposite him. We both take our seats in the booth. I make myself comfy and place my bag beside me.

“So, what did you want to talk about with me?” I ask as I take a sip of my iced coffee, moaning at the taste of cookies and cream. This is amazing. This might be my new drink for the summer months and the exam period. I know I’ll need all the caffeine I can get for that time of the year.

“Um . . .” he begins, drawing my attention back to him. His hands start to fidget again, like when I first saw him. It’s a sign he’s nervous about something. I can tell by the expression on his face too. Something is bothering him inside, and it’s starting to make me feel a little nervous.

He takes a strong gulp of the black coffee he bought for himself and looks around the café, anywhere but me. There’s definitely something he’s not telling me. He looks like he wants to avoid it too.

I can feel my own heart thumping away by itself in anticipation as to what it could be.

“Hey, are you okay?” I ask him softly. I try to reach for his hand to take in mine. When I slip it in between his interlocked hands, he finally looks at me. He looks as white as a ghost. That’s very uncommon in Mississipi. Majority of the people are tanned here, especially him because he runs around with his shirt off all the time during practice. Most players do when they train. But in this heat right now, I don’t blame them.

“Um, yeah . . . Actually, no.” He shakes his head, disoriented with himself. He’s going back and forth. “I need to talk to you about something.” I smile and nod, waiting patiently for him to begin his train of thought that has him like this. It must be serious.

“You’ve already said that.” I chuckle a little, but he doesn’t. He remains nervous. His jaw clenches and unclenches while he watches me.

“I spoke to Coach yesterday,” he begins lowly.

“Oh yeah? How’d that go?” I wonder, sipping my drink with my free hand because my other is clasped with his.

“Not good . . . My dad was there too,” he explains, and I swallow my contents slowly and suspiciously. I know his dad puts a lot of pressure on him to win games and be the best he can be. That’s a lot of weight on his shoulders. I know he cares for Nick and his career, but if he keeps doing that to him, Nick will start to hate the game. That will kill his game completely.

“What happened?” I ask him to continue, but he drops his head down. Sighing loudly, he lets go of my hand and covers his own face, ashamed of himself.

“They gave me an ultimatum, Carter,” he mumbles into his hands. I’m still confused as to where this is going. He’s not explaining this very well.

“What?” I tilt my head to the side, curious as to what they could have said to him. Why is he acting so strange right now? It’s weirding me out at the moment. I’m uncomfortable right now just sitting across from him. I lean back on the seat and stare at him once he gives me his full attention. “Nick, look at me. What ultimatum?” I ask firmly this time. I don’t like the way he’s acting right now. This is not him. “Nick—”

“They want me to choose between you and football,” he blurts out. His face contorts out of pain in the process of telling me this. I watch his shoulders sag as I sink into the seat I’m sitting on. My entire body feels heavy and lifeless. He drops both hands away from his face and lays them on the table both our cups are sitting on. He’s refusing to make any eye contact with me as he gazes down at the space between both our drinks.

And that’s when it hits me—and it hits me hard. They gave him an ultimatum, but he has chosen . . . and it’s not me.

“You chose football, didn’t you?” I whisper to him. I could feel the tears pool in my eyes as I stare blankly at him. I’m trying not to believe my own words, trying to take it back and wait for him to show me that I’m wrong. But he’s not. He’s not doing anything.

How could I be so stupid? To think that any guy would choose me over their career? All I want is to be loved by someone. That’s all I want in life, but that stupid ultimatum keeps coming back to haunt me. It’s the same with these guys. They choose football over me, they act like there’s a choice when they can clearly have both.

“Carter, just listen to me,” he begs to me, but I shake my head rapidly. I can’t believe I’m feeling this all again for the third time. I knew I shouldn’t have persued this with him. I knew I should’ve just walked away. It was too good to be true. It’s was all too good.

“No! How could you!” I whimper at him. His eyes widen in shock.

“No, please, you have to let me explain. I didn’t have a choice, I do want to be with you—”

“Just stop, Nick! Just fucking stop. Save the ‘It’s me, not you’ speech. I know where this all goes, I’ve heard this all before.” I push myself up out of the booth and sidestep out to leave the cafe. A hand grips my wrist.

“Carter, please just hear me out. I want to be with you, I do. I’m being pressured to do this-”

“You’re just like the rest of them, Nick. I thought you were different. I thought you really did care for me. But you’re like all the others. Every single one of you gets to have that shot in the NFL. You got what you wanted, I hope you’re very happy. Enjoy your career, because I won’t be there watching you from the stands.” The hot tears stream down my face. I can feel them rolling down my neck like a river. I get pulled back for a second time to him, his grip tightening.

“Listen to me, Carter. I’m telling you the truth. I want to be with you, but I can’t. Not right now. They think it’ll ruin my career—” My heart drops onto the floor when he said that.

“I would ruin your career?” I sob back.

“That’s not what I meant. It came out wrong,” he retracts his statement and runs his free hand through his blond hair in frustration, messing it up. I feel an itch to fix it for him, but I know that’s not my place anymore. Because he’s breaking up with me. He’s breaking up with me in a college coffee shop at nine in the morning on a Saturday, right before his big game.

“I got the message. You don’t need to keep defending yourself, Nick. I got the message loud and clear.” I shake my head, disappointed at him and his choice, cradling my own chest as it pains me. I can literally feel my heart break in two right now as it withers away inside of me.

“I want to be with you, Carter, please believe me. Just give it time, please. I want you to be my girlfriend.” He keeps telling me all this, and I yank my hand out of his hold so I can really leave this time. I’m sick of him talking right now.

I don’t want to be here, either. I don’t want to hear his voice or look at his beautiful face anymore. I can’t because with each word it hurts, and with each look it breaks me. I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.

“I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again, Nick. I’m done. I’m so done with all of this. Enjoy the NFL, the parties, the models, the money, everything. Because that’s what you’ll get. Enjoy it all. Don’t talk to me ever again, I don’t want to see you anymore.” I push his rock hard chest back.

“No, I don’t want any of that. I want you and football. But I can’t hav—”

“Save it. You’ve made it loud and clear that you were never supposed to have a girlfriend. I get it. You’ll move on. It’s over between us before it even started and it’s never happening again. Is that clear? Stay away from me.” I walk out of the store—it’s more like stomping—away from my first boyfriend, who has effectively torn my heart to shreds all because of the one thing that I knew would ruin it someday.

Football.

My bittersweet hobby that has ruined any relationship I’ve ever been in but created a bond between me and my family.

“Carter!” he calls after me, and I can hear his footsteps on the pathway from behind as I try not to let a sob leave my lips.

I love the fact that he’s coming after me but at the same time, I hate it. His body wraps around mine as he holds onto me. I sob into his chest and hit him with my open palm for doing this to me.

“I’m sorry. Carter, I didn’t know what to do,” he confesses, which doesn’t make me feel any better. It actually makes me feel worse because he still chose. Football had more pro’s than I had in his eyes.

“I want to be with you—”

“Stop saying that! Please!” I beg to him through my tears. “Please . . . just stop saying that . . .” It hurts too much when he says that. My body is trembling from his words.

“It’s true, Carter.” He tenderly strokes my head. I know I’m going to miss this; I’m going to really miss him embracing me like this.

“It’s too hard, Nick. I can’t hear that anymore. Just please, no more,” I beg him through my soft sobs. I’ve experienced this kind of heartbreak before but damn, this is the worst, and he’s comforting me about it; about something that he’s done. Does he realize what he’s done? How much pain this is giving me?

This choice wasn’t fair for me. I wasn’t given a fair chance.

“Please, just listen to me,” he begs softly back to me. I can feel his hot breath leave his lips on the crown of my head. Hiccupping into his chest, I don’t know why but I nod and allow him to say his piece. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I was pushed to do this. I really don’t want anything else but you and my career. Carter, I want you by my side. But people have told me that I’ve been distracted lately. My recent games have been not my strongest. It’s not down to you, it’s down to me wanting to constantly be with you. I’ve sacrificed it. I’ve done it, not you. I let myself do this. I let myself down. Just give me time and I will work something—”

“No.” I shake my head and back away from him. I push myself back to get some distance, so my mind has clarity without his intoxicating smell messing with me, distracting me. “You were given this choice and you chose,” I state with shaky words. “You chose your path, Nick.” I nod, still crying my broken heart out. “I just hope it’s worth it.” I nod once more, telling him to just let it be—to let us be. My body has had enough and given up. “I really do hope it’s worth it for you. I hope you become as big as you want to be. You don’t have anymore distractions.” I let go of his hand that he was desperately clasping on to, trying not to let me go, but it’s time. I can feel my body quiver internally from this gut-wrenching conversation we’ve just had.

One that I will never forget.

“Goodbye, Nick,” I say finally and leave him alone in the quad where nobody resides.

“I’ll find you again. I promise.” He bites down on his lip as he promises me that, and I watch him cry along with me. A lone tear drops from his eye as he watches me leave.

I run, shaking my head away from him. Rapidly breathing and feeling the air sting my lungs, I swear profusely to get to my car so I can drive to somewhere else. Anywhere but here. I just want to take off with the wind underneath me. I want my own space and my own time with my own thoughts.

I don’t need people. I don’t need my family. I don’t need my parents. And I don’t need Nick.

Today was the day I would never forget. The first time I had my little heart shattered by the one guy I ever loved romantically. The one and only guy who had my heart. And it kills me to think that he still has it and he always will.

The sting from what happened isn’t the only thing that’s painful, it’s that I know he’ll be the next big thing. He’s talented and handsome. He’s got that appeal for the industry. His face will be everywhere, and it’ll hurt like a bitch every time I see it.

I meet my car and slam into the side, resting my head on the window as I cry harder and harder at the thought that I can’t see or speak to him ever again. I’m wailing against my car in the fresh morning. It’s going to be too hard.

I wish I never met him and his stupid smirk in the first place. But we can’t time these things. If I could have looked far into the future, I would’ve seen it coming, but I don’t have that special power.

I don’t have anything.

Not even him.

I reef my door open and slam it shut behind me, quickly pushing my keys into the ignition and starting the car. I need to leave here. I need to get away from all of this. I need a drive.

***

The closer I get to home as I drive, the angrier I become. I’m speeding, and I don’t care if I get a ticket. My rage is fuelling this car. As I wind down the streets, getting closer and closer to the house, I can feel my gut tighten. Finally, the last street I enter is my own, and I can see my mom reaching for the groceries in the trunk of her car. She doesn’t notice my car until I stop and jump out of it. I slam the door behind me as I focus on finding my dad.

“Nick? What are you doing here, honey? I thought—NICK!” she calls for me again, but I ignore her and make my way towards the door of the house. I can hear her heels hit the floor as she tries to catch up with me. She yanks my arms back, forcing me to meet her impatient stare. “I’m speaking to you!” she admonishes me. I yank my hand out of her hold when I hear my dad laugh with Ellie in the kitchen. I make my way towards him and push the door open with a loud bang.

“Nick!” My sister smiles at me and my dad’s head snaps around, a puzzled look stitched on his face.

“Don’t you have a game today?” He checks his watch. I didn’t even realize I swung my fist at my own dad, punching him right in the jaw and sending him back against the countertop. Everyone is in shock, but all I could hear is my little sister’s ear-piercing scream followed by my mom’s.

“NICHOLAS!” My mom pushes past me to grab a crying Ellie and holds her up in her arms. She bends down to my dad, who is gaping wide eyed at me, examining to see if he’s alright. I got a clean hit of his cheek like I wanted. I’ve never hit my father in all my years, but I needed to get my message across.

“What the hell is going on?” my mom shouts, switching her gaze back and forth between us.

“I was finally happy, you know that? I was finally happy to have her in my life. And you—YOU! YOU HAD TO RUIN IT! You took that away from me, like always! You sucked the life out of me! You son of a bitch! You did this, you fucking did this to me!” I shout, pointing down at my sad excuse of a dad.

“Don’t you dare use that language in my house, Nicholas! Don’t you dare!” My mom rises back up to her full height with Ellie hiding behind her as she puts her down on the floor. My mom always warns me about my choice of words. “And will someone mind telling me what is going on?” she asks again.

“It’s for the best, son. You can focus on your career now.” My dad stands back up after falling against the counter and sliding down to the floor. He rubs the side of his face, like that’s going to help him. He checks for any blood that has seeped.

“For the best! FOR THE BEST! Are you listening to yourself? My game is going to be worse because of this, you stupid fucking idiot!” I bellow back at him, ignoring my mom’s previous warning.

“Nick, if you swear in my house once more, I will bring you outside. You’re not too old for a smack from me! I’m warning you!” she promises, but I’m way past caring about getting a smack from her right now.

“I asked Carter to be my girlfriend . . .” Her eyes soften when I finally talk to her.

“Are you serious!” She bounces up and down, clapping like a seal. I’m about to ruin her quick change in mood, just like how my dad did with mine yesterday. “That’s amazing, sweetheart! Oh, I’m so happy! Your first girlfriend, and it’s someone I actually like!” Her eyes are getting wider and wider with the realization of this, but I’m about to spoil it for her.

“Yeah . . . then dad said I needed to end it with her because I was distracted.” I flick my eyes to him and meet his apprehensive stare. He’s anticipating his wife’s blow up.

“Your coach agrees,” he points out.

“Coach doesn’t coach me! You don’t get it! He doesn’t know my game. Bulldog is my coach! Did you even talk to him?” I shout back at him.

“Hold on! Hold on!” My mom waves around like a lunatic, trying to get my attention back. “What do you mean ‘end it’?” my mom asks me. “George, what does he mean by end it with her?” She turns around to face my dad. Her own face matches the color of mine; red and fiery. My dad shrugs and hesitates. “GEORGE!” she screams at him for an answer.

“I told him to cut it off with her. I need him fully focused. He was losing his touch, Lynn. She’s deadweight, he needs to let her go. I need him drafted by the end of this season, and she’s going to stop that for him,” my dad explains to her, and she can’t believe that this is coming out of his mouth. It’s almost comical.

“What gives you the right to do that to him? To her? George, I cannot believe you did this!” My mom is appalled by what has transpired between us, how he’s kept his little plan to himself.

“It’s for the best, honey. He’ll have his chance, just you wait,” he promises with a wink.

“The best! Why do you keep saying that? You don’t know what’s best for me! How do you know what’s best for me?” I spit out at him, shaking my head. I can feel the energy rising in my stomach. I need to calm down before I throw another punch, landing him on the floor out cold.

“Because I’m your father!” he roars at me as he points to himself.

“And I’m his mother. You had no right, George! No right!” I stand back and let my mom stick up for me. This woman is not a woman you want to mess with or get on the wrong side of. My dad knows this.

“He will have plenty more opportunities—”

“Opportunities? Can you even hear yourself? I don’t want anyone else, Dad! I want her!” I yell at him as I bypass my mom. I step right into my dad’s personal space and stand taller to hint that I’m not someone he wants to piss off right now.

“Why her? What makes her so special!” he questions. “Because of her last name? Because she’s a Steel? Huh? Is that it? You can make your own name, Nick! You can make your own path to success without her! You can get any other girl you want once you’ve made it! I can tell you now, you will be thanking me later!” he assures me so confidently, but I don’t just want anyone else.

“No, I fucking won’t. I’m sorry, Mom, but I can’t not say something. I don’t want any other girl, I don’t want any other person; all I want is her beside me when I make it because she was there to support me from the beginning, despite knowing who I was. But I lost her! SHE’S GONE! And it’s all thanks to you!” I choke out. I know I’m crying because I’m worn out. I’ve lost the one girl I love, all thanks to this bastard and his dreams he keeps pushing onto me.

“You’ll find another one,” he reminds me for the third time. I shake my head and step back, still looking into his eyes.

“For the hundredth time, I don’t want anyone else but her!” I shout back, slamming my fists down on the table to emphasize my point. This scares Ellie and my mom, who subconsciously flinches as my fists meet the material. He’s turned me into an animal.

“Why not!” He matches my tone and I get right in his face, gathering up all my courage to say the words that I couldn’t even say to her, all because of him.

“BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” I shout, sobbing loudly and panting hard as I stare at the man who betrayed me. All of these years that I’ve looked up to him have been wiped away in a heartbeat from this incident. “I fucking love her,” I repeat to him in case he didn’t hear me the first time, grabbing on to his jacket and shaking him. Even though there’s a stunned silence in the room all, I can hear is my breathing and sniffles. “And I broke her heart, Dad. All because of your narcissistic ways. I did what you asked of me, and do you see me happy? I did it because I know you would have dragged her through the mud if you had your way. You would have made her out to be the villain in all of this when she’s not. You’re a son of a bitch for doing this to me, making me choose between the two things that I love most. I literally can’t even look at you anymore. You make me so sick.”

I shove him back and step away from him. I don’t even look at my mom. I know she’s quaking from my outburst, but I needed to get my point across and off my chest. I need to remind him that it’s my life and not his.

He’s not living his dream through me. If he does want that, he does it under my terms from now on.

“Thanks to you, I’ve lost her. She hates me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. So, thank you. Thank you so fucking much, Dad. You’re a real hero,” I sarcastically say through my cries.

“I can’t believe you did that . . .” my mom whispers, falling back against the cabinets behind her. My dad tries to comfort her, but she holds her hands up and side steps him in so much disgust. “I can’t believe you did that to him . . .” She turns around and leans against the countertop, trying to keep it together. Her head is bowed down in shame for the man she married. I can see a tear dropping from her own eyes and rolling down her puffed out cheeks, feeling my pain. She wordlessly shakes her head at my father.

She turns to meet my eyes, and I send her a tight smile but it’s a dead one. There’s no emotion behind it, not even a little bit. I’ve gone numb right now. All the energy has been sucked right out of me for the remainder of the day. I don’t know how I’m going to play this game today. I haven’t got it in me to lead my team to victory. I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to be on that field and play.

A single thought remains in my mind though: my dad is not welcome anymore.

“I don’t want you at any of my games anymore. I don’t want to see you. I’m so done with you, Dad. I’ve had enough. You thought I was distracted before? I was never distracted. I’m going to play the best goddamn game of my life tonight, and you won’t be there to see it. I’m going to play this game for my girl. I’m going to play my heart out for her.” I clench down hard on my teeth, pressing them together so that there are effectively no gaps between them.

“When I sign my first contract with whoever I’m drafted with, you won’t be there. When I get my first endorsement deal, you won’t be there for that. When I score my first touchdown as a professional, you won’t be there for that. When I run through that tunnel for the very first time, you won’t be there for that. When I do my first commercial, you won’t be there for that either. I want you at none of those things. You’re not welcome! I don’t want you around me ever again, is that clear?” I ask him while he gawps at me blankly, so taken back by my words just as much as I was taken aback by his. They were hurtful, I know, but I wanted him to feel the way I feel. I want him to hurt like I’m hurting.

I turn on my heel and walk out of the house with nothing left to say. As I run my hands through my hair, messing it up, I begin to cry a little again. Losing her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. This beats even my grandfather’s death. I know he would’ve loved her too, which makes it sting that much lot more.

I stand under the doorframe of the main entrance to my house, the door wide open because my mom hasn’t finished bringing in the groceries. I stare out to the street littered with bicycles and toys around on the lawns. It’s a young enough neighborhood, and I loved it growing up as a kid. There was a ton of room for us to mess around with.

“Nick . . .” I feel a small tug on my pants. I snap my head down to see a doe-eyed Ellie gawking back up at me. I had forgotten my own sister had seen all of that. I crouch down to her level.

“Yes, Princess?” I clear my throat because I sound so croaky replying to her.

“Are you okay? You’re crying,” she asks me and wipes my tears away for me. I kiss her tiny hand as thanks.

I breathe in for a second gathering myself for her. I nod back, smiling at her. She sends me her little, toothy smile back; the one that makes me melt inside. But there is only one smile that I will only ever love to see again and forever.

“I’m good. Dad and I just had a little fight,” I explain to her.

“I know, I saw it. It’s going to be okay, right?” She looks expectantly at me as she looks over my shoulder when we both hear our parents scream at one another. I lament at what I’ve started, and I nod back, pretending to my youngest sister that everything will be like it used to be. It’ll all go back to what it was like before soon.

“Everything is going to be alright, Ellie,” I say gently, making her smile.

“Do you promise?” She wraps her little arms around my neck, and I can’t help but smile, but it’s not like my normal smile. She picks up on it too.

“I promise,” I reply.

“Can I come and see Carter and Haley with you now?” Hearing her name is painful when I know I can’t do that. I can’t even see her, let alone Haley or Ellie. I wonder how she’s going to act around Haley from now on.

I know she’ll be hurt, but I know she’ll stick by Haley because they both cherish their friendship. They’ve had their ups and downs, but they’re stronger than they were before. Now that I’ve made it a little awkward, it probably will take some time for them to get used to.

“I’m afraid not, Princess. Not today. I’ve got to get ready for a game right now, and I’m a little late. Give your favorite brother a big kiss for good luck,” I ask her and she beams, puckering up for me and smacking one on my cheek as I silently pray it’ll get me out of this horrible funk I’m in. However, I know nothing ever will unless it’s from Carter, the one girl I’ve fallen in love with and will ever love. Now, I can’t have her anymore. I deserve every bit of this misery I’m feeling.

“Can I call them instead? On your phone?” she pleads, and I shake my head again, making her pout a little. I used to always let her call either of them on my phone when they weren’t here. She liked to talk to Carter after she read her a story at her birthday party. Ellie was hooked on her. “Okay,” she whispers somberly back at me, and I start to feel so bad. She and I can’t talk to Carter. Especially me.

She’ll never look at me the same anymore, and I can’t blame her for that. I ruined what we had. As much as I loved it, it’s all gone. All because I was forced to make one stupid decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

“I’m sorry.” I kiss her forehead, apologizing that she can’t see her when I’m around. Maybe in the future when Haley is around? If she stays friends with her. Maybe I can talk to her in the future, because I know I will try and contact her as much as I can when I’ve reached my point of no longer being able to take the silent treatment from her. Or maybe I’ll surprise myself and let her be happy, even if it is with someone else. She deserves to be happy.

“It’s okay.” She smiles weakly, and I kiss her head once more.

“I’ve got to go, alright? Be good for me, won’t you?” I tease her. I watch her blonde head bob up and down. She’s always been good for my parents. “I want you to go upstairs and play a movie until Mommy comes up, okay?” She sends me a thumbs-up, letting me know that she’ll be alright. “I’ll be right back, I promise.” I watch her bow her head as she looks to the floor for some guidance. “I love you.” I squeeze her in a hug, and she does the same back.

“I love you too,” she whispers as she lets me go.

As I make my way towards the car, I look back to see her in her room waving out the window at me. I send her one back, and at that moment, I never thought it would be the last time I set foot in my house for the next few years.

Five years to be exact.