Steeling Her: Chapter 32

“Jackson!” My head snaps around to that voice I’ve come to hate even more this week. Coach has been on mine and Ryan’s asses each day. Just when I thought the time we had with him was over, he drags us both back under his wing to make us “bond,” even when we can’t stand each other.

“Pass it, Jackson.”

“Throw it now.”

“Run.”

“Let’s go again.”

“Go. Go. Go!”

That’s all I’ve heard this week. That, and my name. It’s taking everything I have to not throw in the towel and walk away. Everything.

“Jackson!” he repeats himself, this time with a little more edge in his tone. I turn my body to face him. Sweat is streaming down my bare chest in the dry heat. I’ve had enough for today. Coach can suck it for all I care.

“What?” I snap at him and he steps right into my personal space. I breathe in and out, trying to catch my breath again after running so many drills today.

“What kind of pass was that? My daughter could throw better than that!” he yells at me with heated eyes. I shut mine and sigh, trying not to let my fist to greet his face. I would gladly knock him out right now, but I need to play this game coming up.

“Maybe she should be quarterback then?” I counter. I have no energy to fight him on this. He’s been up my ass since day one. I’d say his own wife is sick of listening to him talk about me. I’d say she’d shudder if she hears my name.

“Maybe she should. And maybe you need to drop that attitude of yours too . . .” He narrows his eyes at me, trying to make himself look scarier than he actually is. I don’t even care what he does anymore. After this week, I’ll be back with Bulldog. He’s my main man. “Let’s go again.” He points down the field and I grind my teeth. I bite my tongue from making a snarky response. This is the fifty-fourth time we’ve done this drill.

Yes, I’ve been counting.

I’m that tired of this shit now. I do nothing but run around like a headless chicken. I eat and I sleep. I don’t even have the time to see Carter, hence my bad mood.

“I hear your name leave his mouth more times than I hear it leaving Maya’s when you two fucked. Jesus Christ, I’m sick of this shit . . .” Ryan and I both wipe our brows of sweat forming like they have all week whenever we step onto the field. The temperature has skyrocketed in the past week, and we’re all really feeling the heavy air in our lungs.

“Just start running, Averman.” I growl at him for bringing her up. I don’t want to hear her name anymore. I’m sick of her shit. She’s annoying and desperate, same with Erin. Ryan glares at me and paces himself to the starting point he knows all too well.

Fifty-five, this time.

“One more! Then you can call it a day!” Coach hollers at the two of us. I huff out one more breath as Ryan sets himself up one last time. The whistle blows and he takes off. I launch the ball right down the middle and he catches it with ease. I thank the Lord above I get to go home and rest for the night and tomorrow morning. Our game is tomorrow afternoon, and we need to get it together as a team. The guys were sloppy today and at the last game, for whatever reason. Bulldog wasn’t happy one bit.

We both gather our shirts that are laying on the ground and start to walk down the dark tunnel. We push the door open and get treated by the guys’ fresh scent. They have been in here for the past half hour while Ryan and I have been out running drills. Before I walk over to my section, a hand rests on my shoulder with a strong grip. I crane my neck to see who it is.

Seeing it’s Coach again, I groan, wondering what he wants with me now.

“I need a word, Jackson.” He nods to his office, and I lament internally.

“Can’t it wait? I stink and need a shower—”

“Now.” He doesn’t give any leeway with me. As he walks away, the room turns silent. I follow him inside. I shut the door when he tells me to and I sit on the chair in front of his desk. He leans forward on his own plush leather seat and clasps his two hands over each other in thought, resting it under his nose.

“I know you’re a little worried about tomorrow’s game, but we’ll be fine. We always pull through. We all have bad games coach, we can’t play exceptional all of the time,” I try to coax this meeting to a quick end. He’s not speaking at all. This has me now slightly anxious. “Coach?” I ask. He sits back into the seat and stares at me.

“I’ve been speaking with your father, Jackson,” he trails off, and I feel my brows start to furrow. Why the fuck have they been talking? What the hell is this meeting even about then?

“Why?” I ask with a hint of annoyance laced in my tone.

“I called him.” He’s really not giving me much to go by.

“Again . . . why?” I repeat myself with an exasperated huff. What the fuck are they conspiring together? I’m really annoyed, and I’ll be even worse if he doesn’t shed some light on their conversation anytime soon.

“I was wondering why you seemed distracted.” My eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

“Distracted? I’m not distracted, Coach . . . Bulldog can back me up—”

“Your game is off, Jackson. Bulldog agrees with me on this,” he cuts me off and I feel a slight pang of betrayal. Usually, when my game is off, Bulldog would let me know. Now, he’s kept that to himself. He’s my coach, he should tell me if I’m fucking around. He knows my game better than anyone I know. He made me the player I am today.

“Then why did you call my dad? What has he got to do with my game? I should be the one you should talk to if you have a problem with me.” I’m beginning to get animated because people are bitching about me behind my back. Just say it to my face if you’re going to have the nerve to speak to someone else about it behind my back. I don’t like being bullshitted around here. I never have and I never will. I don’t take kindly to this crap.

I watch his eyes flick up to the door behind me. Then his index finger curls, telling whoever is on the other side to come in. He then sinks into the seat with a small exhalation.

I feel my hands fist up, knowing who has entered. I know that cologne from anywhere.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I growl while still looking at Coach. I have to breathe before I turn around and face my father. He’s caused me nothing but irritation for the past few weeks. This pole lodged up his ass needs to be taken out, effective immediately.

“I’m here to talk to you and Coach, son. We need to talk about your future.” The unperturbed tone in his voice has my head snapping around to face him. I push back the chair with the backs of my legs as I stand up, towering him in the process.

“Future? I have everything sorted—”

“Sit. Now,” he warns me while shoving my shoulder back down into the seat I was restfully sitting in previously.

“Does Mom know you’re here?” I ask while gritting my teeth.

“No, and you won’t tell her. Is that understood?” I temper myself and sink into the leather seat with a squeak.

“What do you want?” I grumble, staring down at my hands, knowing full well there’s a motivation behind this visit. I know there is. It’s so unlike him to get very involved in the football program. My grandad warned him off since middle school. Now, he’s got another thing on his mind.

“Like I said, to talk.” He meets Coach with a handshake and a nod. Coach adjusts his hat in the process when I finally look up and away from my hands. I watch them both interact with each other, silently communicating something between one another—something I won’t like.

“About what? I thought grandad told you to stay out of it,” I remind him bitterly. I have this under control.

“You can’t afford to be distracted, Nick,” Coach begins again. “I can see your play has become distorted and sloppy. You’re the leader of this team, despite being co-captain. I expect you to lead the team to victory again. I don’t want your head in the clouds! I have a number of NFL teams talking to me about a few of you; you being their number one topic. They like your style of play, they’re coming to watch your next game. I don’t want you to miss this opportunity—”

“And I won’t! I’m playing just fine—” I start but get cut off by my dad.

“Playing just fine? Son, you’re not passing to Averman, you’re losing chances on the field. That can’t happen, not at this point during the season. You need to take any opportunity you have, and by not passing to him, you’re on the verge of losing the game and getting knocked out completely.” I sit in my seat and think about what he just said. Maybe I do need to pass to Ryan. The title is at stake right now, and I’d rather win it for the college than be seen as a flop.

“You’re talented kid, that’s why I give you a hard time. I want you to play for the best because that’s what you deserve and need. You need to be pushed in the right direction. You’re on the same talent level as the Steel guys. You could be the best if you just bring back that focus you once had! I can see your drive, Nick, don’t mess it up. This is your career on the line right now,” Coach compliments me.

They’re trying to steer me to focus, but I am. I’m totally focused right now. I don’t understand why they think I’m not. Coach continues, “The kid that I trained wouldn’t let anything get in the way of his chances at the NFL. Not even a girl.” I blink at what he just said. I scoff a little at what they’re implying, almost laughing. This has nothing to do with Carter.

“Nick, you need one hundred percent effort and drive, and you need it now. So, drop the deadweight that’s around your waist and push onwards.” I can see my father crouch down beside the seat I’m on as I continue to blink at nothing in particular. I gawp into the space in front of me in a complete daze.

So, this is what this meeting is about.

“She’s not deadweight dad. She’s my girlfriend,” I bark back once I finally build up enough anger inside of me to release it back at them. She’s by no means deadweight to me.

“Not for long. I want it to end. Now.” He clenches his jaw as a reminder not to push it with him, but I also want him to back off of me. I’m an adult, and what I want to do is my goddamn business. If I want to date her, I’ll date her. If I want her to be my girlfriend, she’ll be my girlfriend.

“No,” I bite back at him.

He stands up and exhales deeply, placing both hands into his pants pockets, silently telling me, “Don’t make me take them out to give you a good smack on the head boy.”

“No?” He tilts his head and adorns a blank expression. “It wasn’t a question, Nick. You will end it with her, and you will end it as soon as this meeting is finished. No son of mine is getting distracted over some girl. Especially a girl whose last name is the most famous name in NFL history, is that clear?” he threatens once again.

I was going to say no again, but I get interrupted by Coach once again.

“Nick, I have to agree with your dad. Ever since she came on to the scene, you and Ryan don’t see eye to eye. You also haven’t been playing to your full potential. I’d hate to see your talent go to waste. If she was any other girl, it wouldn’t be hard. But since she’s a Steel, it puts your career at risk. Her dad could end it in a heartbeat—”

“Then shouldn’t you be encouraging me to stay with her? We’re official, and I’m pretty sure her dad knows too.” I’m so confused? They want me to dump her and possibly cause more problems than what they think is happening? None of this makes sense.

“The sooner you end it, the better chance you have of getting a contract, Nick.” Coach clasps his hands together, his eyes remaining on me. “Rodger Steel hasn’t got much influence in recruiters other than from the Giants. He just points to who he wants and sends people to watch for him. He’s too busy right now to be worrying about new players and traveling to the games. He just pitches them if he thinks they’re worth it and trains them. That’s it.

“So, the quicker you end it, the more of a chance you have of getting a contract with someone other than the Giants. You won’t be hearing from them after this, no doubt. It’s too risky to stay with her, you won’t be seen as a serious player. They will overlook your potential because your dating Rodger Steel’s daughter. They won’t look at you twice; they’ll think that you only have her there to get your foot in the door and you won’t be seen as the exceptional player that you are, kid,” Coach tries to reason with me, but I feel nothing but fire in my body right now. So what if they don’t see me as a good player? I’ll work twice as hard as any other player in the NFL to prove my talent.

“Then I quit.” I throw him my jersey and stand up to walk out of the office. A hand jerks me back by my shoulder and shoves me against the wall of the office.

“You listen to me and you listen good, you will not be giving this all up for some girl. You got that? I swear if you walk out of this office—”

“You’ll do what? Train me yourself?” I snort at my red-faced father who had stepped right up to my face. We’re practically nose to nose and chest to chest. A test between the two alphas.

“I will do it myself,” he says to me while grinding his teeth lowly. I clench my jaw successfully after hearing that. “I will have a talk with her and her parents about all of this and how much of mistake you made by getting involved with her. Mark my words, son, I will do it if you don’t.” I glare at my father who has a dark look in his eyes. That’s how I know he’s serious.

“You touch her or go anywhere near her, I will walk away from you, Dad. Don’t threaten me with that shit!” I throw in my own warning. “I’m not fucking around—”

“Neither am I, Nick!” He slams his hand into the wall beside my head as he roars at me.

“Why aren’t you saying this to TJ? Why is it just me you’re talking to about this? He’s with Haley, and I don’t see you interfering in their relationship!” I snarl at them both. Hypocritical, don’t you think? I want to say that but I know that it’ll only add fuel to the fire.

“Because TJ isn’t distracted, you are! Now end it!” He pushes me back with no remorse. He doesn’t care about anything other than football and me making it “big.” That’s all he’s ever been concerned about; producing an offspring so that he can watch TV and make them larger than life.

He’s showing his true colors when giving me this ultimatum. They both are. Choose football or the girl. Right now, I want the girl but they’re not giving me equal options. They’re telling me, not asking. They want football, and it’s two against one.

“I’m not doing it. I’m not dumping her. I’ll pass to Ryan. That’s about all you’re getting from me, but I’m not breaking up with her! This is the end of this discussion!” I yell back at him. He let the dark side of myself out of its cage. He let his own demon out as well to counter mine, and now it’s a dangerous battle between the two demonic egos right.

“Nick Aidan Jackson, I swear on your grandfather’s grave I will do it myself if you don’t end it!” he suddenly yells, “I mean it! Wipe that stupid smirk off your face right now or so help me God!” I flinch at how loud he’s yelling but I muster up enough courage to look him straight in the eyes once more. Those eyes that I won’t ever look in to again after I walk out of this office.

“No,” I reply simply. I can feel the heat being emitted from him.

“Steel could ruin your career, Nick. Don’t make me do it,” my dad threatens me with a growl. I can taste the bitterness of his words as he feeds them to me.

“Let him. I don’t care.” I shrug. After that, my oxygen supply gets cut off by a hand on my neck, disturbing me and coach in the office. He slams my head against the wall and I feel a sharp pain in the base of my skull.

“Mr. Jackson, release the boy now! MR. JACKSON!” Coach drags him off me and I struggle to breathe. I clasp my hand around my throat as I calm myself down from punching some sense into my raging father. “Breathe,” Coach warns him. I can’t believe it.

I can’t believe my own father just choked me in front of my coach. He put his hands on me as I stand there, stunned. I now look at my father in a different light; a much darker one.

“I’m not warning you anymore, Nick. I think you got the message loud and clear—”

“Shut the fuck up!” I scream at him, completely astonished that he had the nerve to put his hands on me like that. “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that! Jesus Christ, you’re a psycho too!” I cough and swallow, turning my back on both of them. I rest my open palm against the cold wall for support. Hearing hurried steps coming to me, I can hear coach pushing my dad back away from me.

“Don’t wind me up, Nick. You won’t like it! I mean it!” he warns again. I turn back around and stare at the man I thought I knew all my life. Turns out, I don’t. I don’t even have a clue who this man is, and I don’t ever want to speak to him again either.

I walk backwards until I meet the wall again. My bare back shudders at the coldness, and I slide down until I’m into a crouching position, my elbows resting on my knees for support. I stare at the wooden floor of my coach’s office. Trophies in cabinets and posters lining the walls, reminding me it could be me one day.

“Don’t make it worse, Nick. Just end it with her. It would make things a lot simpler. You could be the next big thing in the NFL,” he promises me and I can’t even look at him anymore.

“Even if I did become the next big thing in the NFL”—I break my gaze from my intertwined hands to look at my dad once again—“I wouldn’t want you there or anywhere near me.” I shake my head in disappointment. “I can’t even look at you right now. I’m done with you, Dad. I have nothing more to say to you.” I push myself back up and walk out of the office. I’m not going back to discuss this anymore. I stride back into an empty locker room. Only Ryan is here, who I can hear in the showers, humming something to himself.

“Jackson.” I can hear coach shadowing me.

“I have nothing to say to you either.” I pull my bag out of the locker assigned to me and rummage through it to find my shampoo so I can shower.

“I want you to listen.” He rests his hand on my shoulder in a calming manner, unlike my dad.

“I don’t want to listen to you either.” I yank my towel aggressively out of my bag, telling him to walk away from me before I say or do something I’ll regret, but he doesn’t listen to me. “Just hear me out kid?” he suggests. Coach sits next to my gym bag when I don’t respond. I don’t sit next to him. Instead, I remain standing and cross my arms over my chest.

“You’re an extraordinary player, Nick. I don’t think you understand just how great you are. The last quarterback I coached that had the same drive, passion, and talent was Austin Steel. I know it’s not the best comparison, but he was extremely focused with his game and look where it’s gotten him? He’s a huge star on the field and the most sought after quarterback on the planet. I know that, that could be you someday. You just need that push, that’s why I’m hard on you. I’m not saying you’re my favorite, but you’re my favorite.” He chuckles but I don’t laugh. Instead, I huff loudly and throw my towel back into the bag. I make my way over to sit next to him.

“Listen, kid, I know you have a real thing for her. But it’s just not good right now. You’re finishing college and she’s only starting, so do you think it’s the best thing to go and get into a relationship when you’re about to leave and travel around the country under a new contract while she’s here for the next three or so years studying?” He convinces me to think strongly about it. Maybe he’s right? Maybe I jumped in head first? But why does it feel so right to be with her? Why do I feel like shit for thinking about leaving her?

“Coach, I don’t know if I can do that to her. I’ll hurt her, and I will never, ever forgive myself for it. She means everything to me, and I do mean everything. I’ve never felt like this about a girl before, and I want her every step of the way with me. I want her beside me at all times when I’m making it up the ranks. I just can’t walk away from her. I fell for her, I fell hard for her, Coach.” I begin to fidget as I finally confess how I feel about her out loud. I care so much for her, and I would never want to hurt her. This is, hands down, the worst day of my life to date. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“I’ll let you in a piece of advice my father once told me as a young man in love; if it’s meant to be, she’ll come back. But this is your career on the line, Nick, don’t let this chance slip by.” That’s when I realize. I know deep down inside, he might be right. As much as it physically hurts me to say it. He’s right. “Just think about what we spoke about, kid. Give it some time. This is a big decision, so make sure you’re making the right one.” He pats my leg and leaves me alone with my thoughts. My own mind is my own worst enemy right now.

I didn’t even hear the water turn off, telling me Ryan has ended his shower time. I was staring at the jersey hanging directly across from me when he enters.

There is an awkward silence, something that I don’t want to be part of. Nothing was said between us. I decide to ignore him and slip into the showers alone to cleanse myself. Showers always help me clear my mind.

Basically, they have given me an ultimatum. Her or football. But why can’t I have both? It’s greedy, but possible.

I’m in love with her. Is that not enough? Why do I have to choose between two things I love the most? How is this fair? Why me? Why me and not TJ?

Once I switch on the shower, I let the water soak my skin. My pores open up to breathe.

My irritation spikes, so I punch the wall and feel my knuckle crack. I spin around and throw my shower gel at the opposite wall with so much force. I yell at it for being such a nuisance. Then I launch my shampoo after it. I’m so tired right now.

“Fuck this shit,” I mutter to the floor before squatting down and sitting with my back to the wall. The sound of the water splashing against the cold tiles of the locker room shower saturates the air.

My mind unravels from this, this fucking decision that will ruin my life. I know I won’t be happy either way. I need both. I need them both in my life.

But I know I can’t have her.

If I don’t end it, my dad will. It’ll be better coming from me, even when I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to be another guy to break her heart. I can’t bear the thought of breaking her heart. I can’t bear the thought of her moving on. The thought of her with another guy sets me off again. She belongs to me. She belongs with me. Nobody else, and that’s final.

But what do I do?

Do I leave football? Or do I leave her?

What do I do?

After an hour of sulking in the locker room and shower, I had now reverted to sulking in my car as I drive myself home and park on the curb outside the house. I’ve felt nothing but fury this whole time since the conversation. The conversation that has single handily ruined my day and probably my thought process. As I stomp up to the front door to open it up, I see the rowdy guys chanting and jumping around like idiots; idiots I don’t have time for.

“Man, you’re such a fucking moron, Whitemill.” I don’t even look up to see who said it. I don’t care all I want is to be alone today.

“Whatever . . . I was drunk,” Whitemill grumbles back while a loud eruption of laughter breaks out in the living room. I’m not interested, so I shove my way through the guys hanging around the hallways between the kitchen and living room.

“Yo! Nick, you good?” Rob asks, pulling on my sleeve. I yank it back out of his grip.

“Leave me alone,” I grumble as I turn on my heel to give him a threatening look.

“I’m just asking—”

“Rob, leave it.” The last person I thought that would’ve left me alone would be Ryan. The last person I thought would stick up for me and let me be.

“Uhh . . .” Rob stares back and forth between the two of us, confused as to why Ryan has taken my side. “Alright.” Rob backs away and I continue my travel to my room. Once I’m in the safety of my own room, I lose it.

I slam my bag against the wall, cracking the glass on the picture hanging and letting it fall after my gym bag. I pick up a football and throw it at the bookcase beside the window. I pull out the lamp that was sitting on the study desk and throw that at the wall too, shattering the glass contents of the bulb. It’s then my door bursts open to reveal a stunned TJ. He races over to stop me from flipping the table, restraining me against the wall.

“Nick!” he calls my name, but it’s a blur. I’m an angry, frustrated, raging machine. I can hear mumbling from people. All I want to do is punch someone or something. So, I start swinging at him, and he slams me harder against the wall with my two arms aggressively trying to get to him. I know in my mind he’s got nothing to do with the situation, but I can’t help my emotions.

I’ve lost control.

“NICK!” he bellows at me. When more of the guys come into my room, I can see the look of panic written on their faces. Their stunned gazes watch TJ push me back so I don’t cause any more damage. “FUCKING HELP ME!” he shouts to them. Two of the guys race over to press my hands against the wall. They’re struggling because I’ve gathered up so much adrenaline, anger, frustration. hurt, and disappointment.

“Nick! Calm down! Calm DOWN!” TJ grabs my face to make sure I’m focused on him. Both of us are panting. The worried look in his eyes brings me back from the rage that exploded within me. I crash back to my surroundings.

For the first time since attending my grandfather’s funeral, I can feel my world begin to split in two. Tears roll down my face. I’m crying silently as I stare at my best friend dead in the eyes.

“Everyone out,” he orders. The guys back away from us after restraining me. I needed it. I am grateful that they helped me, but I also needed some release. My heart had recessed into the pit of my stomach as I wait for it to dissolve in an acid bath. I was drowning my own heart and killing it.

I can’t do this to her.

I can’t let my dad interfere, but I know he will. I know he’ll put his foot in it and really fuck it all up. It’s already gone to shit, and right now, I have no idea what to do.

It takes a lot longer than I had expected, but once I’m good and have calmed down, TJ backs off. He steps away from me and moves closer to my bed behind him. We haven’t broken any eye contact. He winces at the sight of me. I’m no doubt red eyed and look completely broken by all of this.

“Do you want me to call Carter?” he asks. At the sound of her name, I crack and slide down the wall behind me until I get to the floor. Sitting down with my knees bent up and my head in my hands, I whimper at the thought of seeing her.

I know I have to do it. I don’t want my dad saying it to her, it’ll hurt her even more. I know he’ll twist it. I want her to hear it from me.

“My dad and coach want me to end things with Carter,” I whisper to my best friend. I hear him sigh as I stare at the floor beneath me.

“Shit . . . Nick, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t sound too pleased for me either. At least I know he’s on my side. “That’s so rough,” he continues, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Nothing will once I tell her I can’t be with her.

I’ll become numb and step back from my family. In particular, my dad. He doesn’t deserve to see me any longer. I’m walking away from him, and I don’t want to hear or see him again.

“I can’t do it to her, TJ,” I confess. My mind is all over the place. I don’t want to say those words to her. It’ll shatter her, and I will never forgive myself. “I don’t want to do it. I’m in too deep with her. As much as it will hurt her, it’ll be ten times worse for me.” I can start to feel the pain brew in my heart at the thought of seeing her pained expression. It’ll be the last straw for her and she won’t want anything to do with me. Not that I can blame her, I wouldn’t want anything to do with me either after what I’ll do.

“You love her, huh?” I nod back at his question. I do love her. Turns out, I’ve loved her from the very start, I just never realised it until now. “Man, I don’t know what to say or how to help you Nick. I know that it’s killing you inside; I can see that much. I’m not blaming it on her, but you have been a little distracted lately in practice and in games. And the fact that you’re not passing to Ryan hasn’t helped this.” I glare at my best friend and he holds up his hands in front of him, like he knows I’m about to jump down his throat. “I’m just saying, Nick. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact,” he swears, and I slam my head against the wall behind me.

We are both enveloped in dead silence, our own thoughts occupying the time that feels like it’s slowly ticking by.

“What would you do?” I ask him. He shakes his head and sighs in silence once again.

“I have no idea what I would do. But either choice you make, I’ll support you one hundred percent. I’ll even help you get Haley off your back if you need it. I’m here for you, no matter what. We’ve been through so much together, and I’ll be there for the rest of it. It’s not an easy one Nick, so think about it carefully. I don’t envy you right now, man . . .” He’s telling me something that I already fucking know.

This is already eating me alive.

“I don’t have a choice but to end it with her, TJ. I tried walking away but I couldn’t,” I tell him.

“You tried walking away from it? Seriously?” I nod. He’s stunned into another gaping silence. “You really are crazy about her, aren’t you?” he murmurs to me. Confirming that I am, in fact, crazy about this girl, he slumps his shoulder down. How could I not be crazy about her? I shared all of my best memories with her, and I don’t want to leave with just those memories. I want to make so much more with her.

I want those nights where I wake up in the middle of the dark night and all I have to do is roll over to see she’s next to me to get a quick kiss from her.

I want those mornings where I wake up and see her dressed in my jersey that stops midthigh. I want to watch her dance around the kitchen in her underwear with me as we make our food. I want to hear her sing, even if it’s off key.

I want to watch her be the mother of my kids and watch them grow up alongside her as my wife. I want a football team of kids with her. I want a daughter who grows up to be just like her.

I want the nervousness of asking her dad and brothers for their permission to ask her to marry me. I want to be completely speechless when I see her walk down the aisle towards me with her dad on her arm and I want to hear “I do” leave her sweet lips. I want her to watch me in the stands at my professional games, cheering for me with the rest of my family, kids included, except my father.

That’s all I want in life.

And I’ve fucked it all up for myself. I get none of that. Zero; zilch; nada.

“Jesus, Nick, I had no idea that’s how much you felt for her. I thought you just liked her. But by, like, a lot. I didn’t know you actually fell for her.” TJ sounds defeated for me.

I bang my head against the wall again and again, groaning in pain; both internally and externally.

“Does your mom know about any of this?” I shake my head.

When we hear a knock on the door, I can see Ryan standing there with his hands in his pockets. He stares between the both of us, wondering if he can come in. I nod him into my trashed room and he steps in. He has a tight smile on, showing that he feels a little awkward.

“I just came in to see how you were doing.” I furrow my brows, wondering why has a sudden change of heart. “Look, I know we’ve had our fights and what not, and in the end, you got the girl, but I heard what they said in Coachs office—”

“You were eavesdropping?!?” I boom back.

“It was kind of hard not to with all the screaming you were all doing in there, Nick,” he defends himself. I know he’s got a point. It was just us left in the locker room. So, he essentially had no option but to listen to the screaming match between me and my dad. “I don’t think it’s fair to have done that to you,” he continues but I interrupt him again.

“Why? Why are you even caring right now, Averman? You get to have your shot! You get to have her now while I have to marry football!” I shout back, and with the look he’s giving me, I begin to feel guilty for the rash outburst.

“Because I don’t love her, Nick. Yeah, sure, she was hot and a pretty cool girl, but I would never step on another guy’s toes if I knew he loved another girl. It’s not me, despite the shit you did to me.” I was about to speak up with that but he shakes his head to stop me and let himself continue. “I’m sorry for egging you on. I didn’t realize how much you actually cared for her. I thought you only liked her because I got there first. I saw her as a prize to get a one up on you when I shouldn’t have. I was wrong, and I wouldn’t have gotten in between you both if I had known you fell for her.”

I have got a feeling this is the part where Ryan and I make up, but I’m too confused right now to even speak or move. He smiles pitifully at me. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to apologize,” he says as he stands up to exit but stops at the door once again. He turns around to face me and TJ once more. He nods to himself like he’s agreeing with his own thoughts. “If you do choose her, you got a good one man. I know you’ll be happy with her. She’s a keeper. But, if you choose football . . .”

He pauses for the longest time and watches me, then smiles gently over to me. A soft, genuine smile that takes me back a little. “Find her again. Don’t let her go, and don’t make the same mistake twice,” he offers some solid advice.

I know now that I’ve got a huge decision to make.