12. Red Eyes

[Warning: This chapter may be triggering to some.]

“I’m scared”

Alice looks up from her notepad and stares at me. Her eyes are intense as she asks me the question I’m not sure how to answer.

“Why is that?”

I think about that for a moment. Trying to sift through my jumbled mess of thoughts. There are a lot of things I’m scared of.

Losing control of Raya is at the top of my list. There is also the stalker that I seem to have acquired. I haven’t gotten anything else from him since he or she left those pictures in my room.

It’s been a couple of days since that day and since Darren boldly kissed me in front of the other Alphas.

What I’m afraid of currently doesn’t include Raya or the stalker though.

“What are you afraid of Mayra?” She leans forward in her seat. Repeating the question.

“Falling in love with Darren” I murmur, staring at my hands as if they were the most fascinating thing.

I’ve gone over the scenarios over and over in my head since Darren made his huge ass statement. I can see myself easily falling for him but will it be worth it in the end?

How can I be sure he won’t end up breaking my heart? Because loving someone basically gives them the power to destroy you if they choose to.

How then can I give someone that much control? And let us not forget the fact that he was mated to Ren. I could never compare to her, not only am I broken but she’s on a pedestal that is hard to get on.

“Isn’t love supposed to be a good thing, why then should you be afraid of it?” she asks. Her face gives nothing away.

I guess that’s how therapists are. They’re probably trained to remain calm and collected. Hiding their emotions behind their blank masks.

“Love can also be really really painful” I point out.

“Only with the wrong person and from what you’ve told me, Darren doesn’t seem to be the wrong person”

She’s right. Darren hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him. He hasn’t shown any hints of still being in love with Lauren. I mean for goddess’ sake. He did kiss me in front of her.

On her part, Ren seems to be okay with the idea of us together. Still, I can’t let the fear go.

“Maybe I’m painting his picture too perfectly, ignoring all the red flags because the sex is good between us”

She looks at me incredulously. “All I hear are excuses…what are you truly afraid of Mayra?”

Again she was right. I was making up excuses not to fall in love with him. Deep down I knew why I was behaving like this.

I was basically self-sabotaging. Trying to prevent myself from having a happy ever after because I believed it wouldn’t last.

I sigh in defeat. “We both know I’m broken, Alice, what if I get too close and he sees just how broken I truly am and he leaves me? It would shatter me”

Right now, everything is a novelty. Once we get close, I’ll have to open up to him. I’ll have to show him all my broken pieces. What if he can’t handle that? What if it’s too much for him? I won’t be able to survive if he breaks me after I’ve given him my heart. He would destroy the little piece of myself I have left.

“Mayra, a strong man, the right man will not give up on the woman he wants and loves because she went through something most people wouldn’t survive. Darren seems like the type not to back down from what he wants.”

“But what…” she interrupts me before I finish my sentence.

“Give him a chance. Give love a chance. You’re right, you don’t know how this will end. He may be the right man for you and he may not be but don’t you want to find out? Love is about taking a leap of faith into the unknown. It may be worth it in the end”

She continues before I can say anything else. “If you’re still afraid and aren’t sure you can ever let him in then let him go. Stop the nightly visits and cut the bud before it sprouts into anything serious on his part. Give him a chance to fall in love with a woman who will give him her all”

I sink into the seat and think about what she just said. Can I truly let Darren go? Taking the sex out of the equation, can I give him up? I have never felt a strong connection to any man before. Not even with Sebastian and he was my fated mate.

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. “I don’t think I can let him go”

Alice smiles at me. “Good, now let’s work on your trauma because I believe your reluctance to feel anything for Darren stems from what you’ve been through”

I groan but nod my head anyway. If I am going to have a healthy relationship with him then I need to work on my issues. I need to sort them out.

“I know this will be a hard topic but you must talk about it. It’s the only way to work through it” she pauses then goes on. “Last time you were here you talked about being raped, have you ever talked to anyone about this?”

I take a deep breath. Already I could feel my panic rising. The fisting of my chest in anxiety. This always happens when I think about what happened to me. Or when I think about telling anyone about it.

“No, I’ve never told anyone” I finally answer.

“And why is that?”

I really didn’t want to talk about being raped. Didn’t want to think about it or revisit those memories.

“Because those were my darkest times. I didn’t want to drench those memories up, it was better to forget that such a thing happened to me.”

“But you can’t really forget them, can you?” she asked. Her voice is kind and sympathetic.

I was on the verge of tears. “No, I never could. They’re always there at the forefront of my mind”

I didn’t want to cry. I’ve done enough of that to last me a lifetime, but I also couldn’t prevent the tears from falling. It was painful remembering about it. It was even more painful talking about it.

“I felt so helpless. I couldn’t even push him away from me or scream for him to stop. All I could do was watch as he took pleasure in my body. I was disgusted with how he seemed to enjoy it every time. He always smiled and caressed me as if I was a willing participant. As if we were two lovers having a good time”

I choke on my sobs as I try to push that pain away. I felt overwhelmed. Like I was sinking into the abyss. Those memories had that much power over me. They sucked the very life from me and stripped me of everything I am.

“Mayra…”

I ignore her and continue. “Every time he rammed into me, every time he groaned my name in pleasure, every time his semen coated my walls and thighs, every time I was left sore after he raped me, I prayed to the moon goddess. I begged her to end him, to strike him with lightning or anything really as long as he died. When that didn’t happen I started to beg her to end my life instead but she never did”

“How many times did he take you against your will?”

I turn to the sound of her voice. It sounded so far away and her image seemed distorted.

“More times than I could count.” I answer brokenly.

I wipe the tears from my face. Alice’s face becomes clearer. I stare straight into her eyes as I said my next words.

“The day the executor came to our rescue was the happiest day of my life. It happened during one of his rape sessions. I watched as the Monster was attacked, claws slashing through his chest. His screams were music to my ear. The last I saw of him was his body encased in fire, choking on his own blood, while he begged for me to save him.”

Very few people knew that Ren was the executor. Some even thought that it was a man.

“What did you feel when you watched him die?” Alice asks, interrupting me.

“Vindicated”

Him bleeding on the floor before burning alive was one of my best memories. I will never understand how Ren was able to occupy my body and take away some of my pain those last few months but I will always be grateful. She gave me hope when I didn’t have any. She was able to pull me out of the darkness.

“Okay, I think that’s enough for today” she says, interrupting my thoughts. She then grabs my hand which is so unlike her. “I want to tell you that I’m very proud of you. For opening up today and facing those memories however painful they were. No matter what happens next, always remember that you’re strong. That you survived”

I nod my head and squeeze her hand.

A few minutes later I leave her office. Getting outside I breathe in the cool air. I felt a bit light. Like some of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I get inside my car and start it. I was reversing when I saw red glowing eyes hidden in the forest behind the hospital.

They were staring right at me.

I turn quickly around and face the front. Blinking once then twice. I then slowly look back, surprised to find nothing. I scan the area and still find nothing.

Releasing the breath I was holding, I start driving. I laugh at scaring myself half to death. There was no way I saw what it is think I saw right? I was just being paranoid, wasn’t I?