057

The room remained silent for a few minutes, nothing but the muffled sound of the city could be heard. My mom's hand was still clasped onto mine, and we were both just sitting right next to each other, waiting who between the two of us will talk first.

"You can take your time honey, If you're still not ready, then we can wait for a few days.", My mom broke the silence as she gave me a reassuring smile.

The sun had bid its goodbye and the sky painted a faded shade of purple as little by little, the stars started appearing before my eyes. I could feel the sincerity in my mom's words, but along it came the feeling of worry that she didn't try to hide from me. We both knew what was the best thing to do, and that is to start the treatment immediately. And with nothing to hinder me aside from my internal crisis, I knew I had no reason not to proceed as early as tomorrow.

My fear was growing exponentially as each second ticked, but I knew that if I were to continue letting it get to me, my chances of recovering will continue to reduce until It's no longer possible. My mom was trying her best to keep her composure, careful not to reveal her worries in front of me so she could remain my constant source of courage, and I didn't want to invalidate her effort by letting my fear take over me.

Besides, I had someone who from the very first day never ceased to love me less, and only showed me a lot of reasons why I should cling on to life. I had Tawan, who never failed to make me feel like I'm different from everyone, and made me feel special in ways I didn't even imagine.

If not now, when will I muster up the courage to live for the people who live for me?

"Let's start tomorrow, Mom", I said as my grip on her hand tightened. I could feel my voice get raspy as I muttered the words, and the sides of my eyes were already red from trying hard not to let my tears fall. The two people who I love the most have been trying their very best not to show an ounce of disheartenment, and the last thing they need was a picture of me crying.

"Thank you, New. I promise you I won't leave you until the last minute of your treatment. Tawan and I will always be there to aid you in any way.", My mom said as she pulled me into an embrace. I felt drops of what seemed to be tears on the cloth of my shirt, so I knew that my mom shed tears the moment she hugged me. I tightened my embrace and let my mom rest in my arms a little longer.

Though it seemed like the fight was tailored only for me, I knew she was battling alongside, and she needed rest just as much as I did. And at that time, letting my mom rest on my shoulders was the only form of relief I could offer her.

"Well then, I'm going to the doctor's office to let him know. You should get some rest, I'll pick up some food for us to eat too.", My mom said as she unlocked from the embrace. Her voice was nasal from the crying, but I didn't mind it.

She stood up and tidied herself, fished her wallet from her bag, and headed for the door.

When mom left the room, I felt how desolate the room was. Maybe it was because of the huge space, or the absence of ornaments that my eyes could feast on, but it seemed dull the moment I was left alone. I decided to follow my mom and opted to take a rest, so I laid myself on the bed and tried to get some sleep. I lost track of the time and was clueless as to how many minutes had passed, but I knew I was staring at the ceiling for too long, but I was nowhere close to getting sleepy. Just then, I remembered Tawan.

It's been an hour and a half since he went out, but he still hadn't come back.

I put on my slippers and made my way out of the room. When I opened the door, I was greeted by the bright light that illuminated the hallway. It was blinding as my room wasn't lit as much, so my eyesight had to adjust first before I walked completely out of the place. The hallway was not crowded at all, and in fact was empty. From my room to the other end of the corridor, the nurse's station could be seen. I walked towards the station to search for my mom, as I remembered the doctor saying his office was just beside the station.

As I neared the station, I caught an image of Tawan and my mom on one of the benches in the waiting area. I walked closer to them, and opted to prank them by making a scary face, but I realized they were talking seriously as I neared them.

With only a few feet away from them, I got a better view of mom and Tawan, and was even able to eavesdrop from their conversation. They were sitting on the second to the last bench, so I decided to sit on the last one behind them. I was both confused and amazed that they didn't notice my presence at all.

"I'm scared, Ma.", I heard Tawan say.

I did not know what the context of their conversation was, but hearing him tell my mom that he's scared pinched me right at the heart for some reason.

Because they were right in front of me, I could hardly see their faces, and only their backs were completely visible. Still, I could feel that Tawan was crying because he was constantly wiping his face, and my mom was calming him down by brushing her hand on his back.

"From the day I found out that he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer until now that he's finally getting his treatment, I have this fear that never once died out.", Tawan continued, his voice raspy from crying.

"I didn't show it to him, but every night I cry myself to sleep because I fear that every day I spend with him could mean the last day I get to be happy. And now that he's about to make the most important decision of his life, I can't help but feel immensely scared. I'm not ready to lose him yet, and I don't think I ever will be."

His body was shaking uncontrollably as he talked, and I could feel his heart break with each word that came out of his mouth. I was again oblivious of the fact that the person who I was thankful for being my rock, was actually scared all long, and I was not able to offer help in all the nights he cried himself to sleep.

I was speechless as I sat behind them, but I could feel my tears streaming down my face as I listened to their conversation. My mom too was crying as she patted Tawan on the back, and as much as I want to hug the both of them, I felt like it was a moment that need not my intervention.

"First, I want to thank you for loving my son. Because of you, he was able to live his teenage years just like everyone else has, and your undying love for him is something I will forever be grateful for.", My mom said as he looked at Tawan with great adoration. She was smiling through her tears, the same way she smiled at Tawan when he watched the two of us mingle at the condo's lobby.

"You've been a great help to me in aiding my son, especially in the times when I was miles away from him and I had no way of embracing him whenever he felt down. My son never stopped mentioning you whenever we talked, and it just shows how much he loved you too."

Just then, my mom held Tawan's shaking hand. His tears streamed greater the moment my mom's hand touched his, and I think it was because it's been a long time since he felt a mother's touch. He closed his eyes as he held my mom's hand, and he smiled warmly, as if it was his mom's hand he was actually holding.

"Now, I want you to know this. New, he might seem like a frail boy, but he knows how to treasure the people who he hold dear in his heart. You're one of them, I can clearly see it, and I know he doesn't want you, or me, feeling the way we're feeling now. The fear he's feeling now may be greater than what we feel, but tonight he made a decision to immediately start the treatment, even if it meant an immeasurable amount of pain for him."

Tawan opened his eyes and looked at my mom, a confused expression in his face.

"Yes, and I think he did it for the two of us. I know we want him to live and be with us, but his desire to continue existing was far greater than ours, so much that he managed to overlook the pain that came along his decision.", My mom continued as she cried. The three of us were sobbing continuously in the lobby, and even if we were already gaining attention from the other patients, we were unbothered.

"So hang on, son, will you? It might seem unreasonable for me to request this, but can you stay strong for him, again?"

"I will, Ma. I will.", Tawan replied as he brushed the last tear off of his face. He tried to put on a smile, but what came out was a rather forced smile that failed to hide his worries. Still, he tried his best to compose himself in front of my mom.

Then, as if she knew what Tawan needed that time, Mom pulled him into an embrace. She hugged him tightly, the same way she hugged me awhile ago, a mom's genuine act of love for her son.

"Whenever you feel like crying, come to me okay? You're my son from now on. Don't hesitate to call me your mom okay?"

Tawan was shocked at first, but he nodded in response to my mom. It must have felt reassuring for him, as he smiled genuinely as he hugged my mom back, and for a second I thought they were an actual mom and son. I know how much Tawan missed her mom, and in a time like that where his faith was challenged, a mother figure was the best thing he could ever wish to have.

"Now, shall we go back to the room? I know you're starving! I can't let my son's future husband starve, you know.", My mom joked as he pinched Tawan's cheek.

"Okay Mom, let's go now.", Tawan replied.

I ran quickly back to my room before they could even stand, tucked myself in the bed and pretended as if nothing ever happened.

A few moments after, the door swung open.

"New, baby, I bought some food, let's eat now.", My mom whispered in my ear.

That night, we laughed and joked over dinner like a family. In the many times that Tawan and I ate together, that was the moment where he seemed the happiest. Even with his eyes still bloodshot from the crying, I knew he was happy having me and my mom by his side as we ate.

As my mom talked restlessly of his work, Tawan's eyes met mine, and he mouthed something that made my heart pound in joy.

I love you, New.