045

The last memory I had before losing my own consciousness was the store doors opening and a group of nurses making their way towards me and Tawan. When I woke up, I was already in a hospital room and nobody was there except of course, me.

The room was illuminated fair enough for my eyes to quickly adjust, and it did not took me long enough to figure that I was sharing the room with nobody else. I tried to move and stand out of the bed, but my body immediately shut off and I fell right into the thin mattress before I my feet could even touch the ground. Luckily I had no sign of being stitched anywhere, so I felt relieved that I did not sustain any serious injury from what had happened.

Tawan.

I remembered how he struggled to fight Aj and his crew just to keep me out of trouble. The images of his severely injured face flashed through my mind as I remained on the mattress, his words replaying on my mind like a broken melody as I stared into nothingness.

"Don't wor\ry, I won't let him hurt you."

Who would have known that a place as beautiful as Doi Inthanon, a destination visited by many to create wonderful memories to relive in the future, would be a horrific venue where I witnessed the man I love suffer and get beaten to a pulp? It was only a few moments from when we shared a scrumptious meal as we looked at the breathtaking view of the mountains when the incident happened. In an instant, my memory of the retreat that started off sweet became a distasteful nightmare that will pain me for a very long time.

I wanted to get out of the bed and find Tawan as my worry for him grew bigger by the minute, but my body was adamant with keeping me still. Also, there was a needle injected on my hand connected to a tube filled with a fluid I was not familiar with, so my movements were restricted to only within the bed. I groaned in frustration knowing how helpless I am in that state.

Then, just as I kicked the other end of the bed in anger, the door of the room swung open and there entered a doctor holding a piece of paper in his hand. He was old, a little over 50 years old I guessed. His head was bald on the middle, but the sides grew white strands giving the impression that he was really an old doctor. When our eyes met, he smiled at me and asked if I was already feeling better.

"It's great that you did not sustain any injuries from the incident. The one who came here with you and the others, they were pretty beaten up."

"Do you happen to know where they are now?"

"Your rooms are just right beside each other."

"Will it be okay for me to visit them?"

"Of course, but I have something I need to talk to you first."

He then handed me the piece of paper that he had when he entered. I looked at it and saw my name in printed letters, then saw a few more notes on the paper, the word 'pancreatic cancer' being one of them. I heard the doctor sigh as he sat on the other end of the bed and looked at me.

"Have you been experiencing a lot of pain, especially in the abdomen and your back recently?", He asked. I was still looking at the paper, trying to understand what the numbers and words meant.

"Y-yes.., I drank my meds whenever it aches though, so I thought it was just a normal reoccurring pain brought about by my cancer."

"Do you understand what the words typed in the paper you're holding now meant?"

"Frankly, no. But I'm guessing it's not a good news huh?", I jokingly replied, completely aware that he was going to give me a bad news. I'm not a stranger to my own feelings, and having felt the pain obviously meant that my cancer was getting severe as we spoke. Still, I hoped that he would tell me it was all just because I failed to drink my meds on time.

He turned the page and revealed to me an image of my system, and saw my organs filled with tiny white dots.

"Do you see the white dots? Those are the cancer cells. Yours started on the pancreas, but upon further checking when you were admitted at the hospital, the cells have metastasized (spread of cancer cells) on the nearby organs of the pancreas. That explains the white dots you see on your lungs and liver."

My mind went blank upon hearing the doctor's words. The unbearable pain that I had been tolerating were all signs of my cancer getting worse, but I was too occupied with all that was happening between Aj and Tawan. I felt my finger shake as I held the paper, but I couldn't stop myself as I was still processing the news.

"How much time do I have left?"

"Considering how fast the cancer cells have spread into your system...three months at most."

Three months. I wouldn't even be able to graduate with the remainder of my time. Heck, I wouldn't even be there to celebrate Tawan's 19th birthday next year. I laughed at myself, thinking how much of a fool I am for thinking I had the luxury of getting into fights with people because I was gay, when in actuality I only had three months left to make my existence matter to someone. Maybe it was because I'd already shed too much tears at Doi Inthanon, but I kept on laughing even when I felt like dying inside. I laughed so hard my eyes closed and I had no visual of the doctor that sat in front of me.

"Thank you for letting me know, Doctor."

He didn't reply a word but instead gave me a rather weak smile, sadness obvious in his eyes amid his curved lips. It was almost like he was telling me, It's unfortunate that you had to die at a young age.

"Well then, I should leave now and let you have your rest.", He said as he stood up and exited the room.

It felt strange now that I again was alone sitting helplessly inside the room. The deafening silence almost made me lose my sanity, if it weren't for the view outside the window that kept me sane. A big birch tree stood right in front of the window, ever so stalwart and flourishing. I read somewhere that a birch tree symbolizes new beginnings, a fresh start to a new life.

Is this a joke? I asked myself as I looked at the branches of the tree scraping through the window pane. It seemed funny how a tree symbolizing a new life stood in a room where someone destined to die soon rests. I smiled once again as I looked at the tree, and before I knew it, I dozed off and slept with a heavy heart.

I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing, so I reached for it and saw my Mom's name flashing on the screen. It was already nine in the evening when I woke up, so it was probably around ten in the morning in America.

"New! I've been calling you for a hundred times already, why did you pick up so late?", My mom said on the phone. She was obviously worried, but I laughed when I heard her voice.

"I just woke up Mom."

"The school contacted me about what happened, are you okay sweetie?"

"Yes, I'm alright."

I heard her sigh in relief at the other line. I may not have mentioned her before, but my mom was the warmest person I know prior to meeting Tawan. When she found out I had pancreatic cancer, her whole world seemed to obliterate and she cried for days. She almost decided to decline the job opportunity she had for america just to take care of me, but I told her I didn't want her life to revolve around me so I asked her to go.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, New. Whenever I eat, I wonder if you had already eaten too. When I go to work and mingle with other people, I think of  you. Do you have friends at school? Are they treating you right?"

I let my mom continue talking at the other end of the line as I smiled at how she didn't change a bit even now that we're thousands of miles apart. She was still the really caring and overprotective mom that I knew.

"Mom?", I cut her off in the middle of her talk. She stopped, and I could feel that she was taken aback by my sudden talking.

"Yes sweetie?"

"I...I Spoke with the doctor awhile ago."

It was only her breathing that echoed through my speakers, but I knew she knew what I wanted to talk about.

"And? Is there something wrong?", Her voice cracked as she replied. I knew she was already about to cry before I even said anything. I too, was struggling to maintain my calm as I talked with my mom. It wasn't like I prepared myself for having that talk with her, and for the first time, I was grateful that I wasn't speaking directly to her. If I had, we would both be bawling our eyes out.

"He...He said that my cancer had gone worse, and that the cancer cells had spread through my liver and lungs. He told me I had only three months left to live, Mom."

The other line went silent, and I could hear my mom's muffled crying as I kept the phone in my ear. It broke my heart hearing her cry, and I felt like crying too. My tears started falling before I even knew it, and it took a few minutes before either of us were able to talk again.

"New, you must have been suffering all this time, I'm so sorry I'm not right there beside you.", My mom said, her voice still hoarse from all the crying she did.

"No mom, there's no need to be sorry. You're working hard so I can live comfortably, and if it weren't for you I would not be able to do just that."

"You don't deserve being inflicted with that disease sweetie, if only I can have it instead of you, I'd do it anytime."

"No, Mom. Neither of us deserve it,  but I guess it's just how the world works right? People come and go, and it's unfortunate that I had to go soon."

"New, don't say that please. Don't give up just yet, I'll book the tickets immediately and take the first flight home, and we'll figure out a way to end this nightmare. We'll fight it together, okay honey?", She said, her voice still cracky and weak amid her words of comfort. It's amazing how Moms could go on and keep us encouraged even when their own spirit's been trampled on.

"Okay Mom , I'll wait for you. When you get here, make sure to bake me a cake okay? I've eaten countless of them since you left, but none went close to your own baking."

"Sure baby, I'll bake you a lot and we'll share them together okay? In the meantime, please fight for me will you? fight for us."

"I will mom, I will."

Then, the phone call ended and I halted my communication with my mom. In the barely lit room with nothing but the moonlight to enhance my vision, my tears continued falling. I thought of the life I lived as an eighteen year old boy, and wondered if I ever mattered to anybody else in my whole existence.

Did I matter to my classmates of four years, who I shared moments of laughter and sometimes sadness as we went through the rigorous phase of puberty? I didn't know for sure. To my family abroad, were the memories I had with them be enough for my existence to remain a constant memory that would be worth remembering? Maybe, but blood ties didn't always mean eternal recognition even after death.

Tawan. In the three months that we shared, we met countless of experiences that made us see how similar we are amid the obvious differences, revealing our true colors that complemented so good, we were a rainbow that painted only two colors. We laughed, cried, ate, embraced, and kissed in the three months that we shared, very far from the awkward stares that we shot each other that day on the bus.

Still, were all those moments enough for me to remain a sweet melody in his mind, playing still even when the strings have finally snapped? It was an obvious answer. I could the entirety of my life with people and still doubt if I'll stay a memory that lingers in their memories after my demise, so I knew immediately that he'd eventually forget about me. Even if I spent my remaining time with him, checking everything off my bucket list and creating moments that are enchanting for the both of us, the answer would remain the same. I knew I would just be a chapter in his book, and when the last sentence comes to an end, he'd continue reading while I dissipate into thin air as an extra from a book with a main character that wasn't me.