Chapter 19: Midterms (Part 4)

Ryan

All the things Ryan wanted to say sounded trite in his head. Of course you're good enough! He wanted to scream it, like that would make Jacky believe it about himself.

The only thing he could do was crush Jacky to his chest.

"You got into Syracuse," Ryan said finally. "This is a good fucking school."

"I guess," Jacky said.

Ryan grabbed Jacky's shoulders and pushed him out so he could see Jacky's face. "Both our schools are in the top 100."

"Yeah."

"So what are you not good enough about?"

Jacky sighed. "You were always the popular one. I knew if I went to a different school than you I'd have to make friends all on my own."

"You have friends," Ryan said, giving Jacky a little shake. "You have Cody and Nina, and you've clearly made a bunch of friends here."

"They're my roommates," Jacky said.

"Liliana's your roommate? Braedyn's your roommate?"

At Braedyn's name, Jacky flushed. "No. But they just live near me."

"I really only hang out with my roommates," Ryan said. "And their friends. Like Charlie."

"I guess."

"We've only been at college for two months! Can you give yourself some slack?"

Jacky's eyes crinkled again. He gave Ryan a sideways look. "I like when you get all mad on my behalf."

Ryan wanted to stay mad, a little bit. That was one of the things about Jacky: he made it okay to be mad. Ryan hadn't let himself be angry at any point over the last two months, even though he had a good reason to be.

"I'm still mad at you," Ryan said. His fingers were still clutching Jacky's shoulders.

Jacky's almost-smile slipped away. "I deserve it."

And just like that, Ryan wasn't mad anymore. Half his mouth quirked up. "As long as you feel bad about it, I can forgive you."

"You can forgive me?" Those blue eyes shone as he looked up at Ryan.

"Yes," Ryan whispered, and pressed a kiss against Jacky's lips.

Jacky

Jacky staggered back until his hips hit the edge of the desk. He clutched at Ryan's shirt to keep from falling over, but then Ryan wrapped his arms so tightly around Jacky's torso that he stopped worrying about falling.

He had missed the way Ryan smelled. That bite of Old Spice and whatever pheromones that made him irresistible. Even though he had kissed Ryan barely two weeks ago, he craved it.

Managing to get a leg up on Ryan's hip, Jacky let Ryan's weight grind against him until he gasped. "Bed?" he breathed.

Ryan glanced over at the narrow mattress. Jacky knew he was remembering all the things they had done on Jacky's bed at home, which was a full-size mattress, or in the bed in the guest room, which had a queen.

Then Ryan looked over at Billy's bed. Billy never made his bed, and the blankets were all askew.

"What?" Jacky asked.

"Can we take both mattresses and make a big bed on the floor?"

Jacky didn't even have to say yes. As they moved Billy's bed, Ryan asked, "You sure he won't be back tonight?"

"He basically promised me."

So they hauled the mattresses down and made a big bed. Jacky knew Billy would be at least a little pissed if he found out, so he pulled off Billy's sheets and covered the mattress with his own top sheet. Somewhere along the way, Jacky turned on the television and found a channel playing "Interstellar" – "Sam is obsessed with this soundtrack," Ryan said – and then, because somehow the floor felt weirdly open, they mutually decided to take some of the blankets and turn the room into a big blanket fort, duct-taping and tying sheets to the bedframes and the desk. There was an opening so they could see the television, but they were hidden if Billy decided to come back to the room.

Then they climbed under the covers.

It felt so natural to curl up under Ryan's arm and rest his head on Ryan's shoulder. For a few minutes they just watched the movie, which made no sense because neither of them had seen the beginning and they hadn't really been watching while building the fort. Jacky wanted the feeling of rightness to sink all the way into his bones, to make himself believe that this was real and would last forever.

He remembered a time when Ryan must have felt that way, only to have Jacky rip the rug out from under his feet.

"Do you ever think about the future?" Jacky asked.

"Like, after college?" Ryan asked.

It wasn't exactly what Jacky meant, but he nodded anyway.

"All the time," Ryan said. "After undergrad, I'll have to get into med school and start interning. And once I'm done that, I'll have to do a residency, and after that, hopefully, I'll be a full doctor."

Jacky shifted to his side so he could see Ryan's face. "Okay, but that's just school stuff. What do you see your life being like when you're not being a doctor?"

"I mean, being a doctor is pretty all-consuming, I think." Ryan glanced at Jacky, then understood the unspoken question. "You want to know if I think we'll still be together."

"It's not just that." Jacky rested his cheek on Ryan's shoulder. "It's the 'where do you see yourself in ten years' question. Do you see yourself married? Kids? Where would you be living?"

"I guess I haven't really let myself think that far ahead. Okay." Ryan wiggled his head to burrow into the pillow and closed his eyes. "I'd buy back my mom's house, and we could live there together. I'd work at the hospital, and at night I'd come home and we would make dinner together and watch a movie. We'd have a dog. A black lab. On weekends or whenever I'm not working, we would go on hikes and camping trips."

It sounded like a fairy tale. "I've never been camping. I think I would hate it."

Ryan grinned, eyes still closed. "I've never been camping, either. But it sounds nice."

"We could start with the hikes."

"What about you?" Ryan asked, opening his eyes.

"I don't know," Jacky hedged.

Ryan gave him a squeeze. "Come on."

"After the accident," Jacky started, "I kinda stopped thinking about the future."

Ryan

Suddenly it all made sense. It was more than Jacky not having confidence. Of course, the trauma of what had happened to him was going to continue to affect him, despite the years of therapy. Jacky had overcome his fear of driving, and some of his insecurities. College, however, had uncovered that hard line between Jacky's previous dreams of his future and how to think about a future as a person with a disability.

"I guess I was so focused on my own future that I didn't think about yours," Ryan said slowly. "Other than us being together."

Jacky pressed his cheek against Ryan's shoulder. "It's hard to try to imagine the future when in a split second it could all be taken away from you."

It took Ryan a moment to formulate a response. "This might sound cliché, but you didn't lose everything. You're a survivor."

"A survivor who'll probably need help doing everything for the rest of my life."

"Wait a minute." Ryan lifted himself onto one elbow, dropping Jacky's head to the pillow. Jacky looked up at him, brow furrowed. "I never even considered you'd have a hard time thinking about the future because I don't see you as needing help with anything. You never wanted help. Sure, you could be grumpy sometimes, especially if something was that much harder, but that doesn't mean you're helpless."

"No..." Jacky licked his lips. "But I can't even imagine what it would be like to walk a dog with only one arm, or to pitch a tent. So how would I fit into your perfect life?"

Ryan laughed. "Life isn't perfect, no matter what we hope for. So we don't have a dog, and we don't go camping. We can still cook meals together. Maybe we can get a cat instead. We can go glamping. I don't know! Whatever happens will be perfect, because we'll be together."

"You really think we'll be together that long?"

"I do." And Ryan lowered his face to Jacky's, kissing him long and deep. Then he pulled back and looked into Jacky's eyes. "I think we're going to get married. What do you think?"

"I think that's a lot to commit to as a freshman in college," Jacky said with a little smirk. "But I'd like to give it a go."

Ryan grinned.