Chapter 18: Campus Events (Part 5)

Ryan

Ryan hadn't gotten a text back from Jacky immediately, so he had gotten up and started wandering. Knowing how Jacky would likely react, he hated that he'd even sent the text. He paused by a booth where college students were lined up for wheel of fortune that mostly gave out lollipops as prizes. Other students could get excited about a lollipop, while Ryan felt like he'd never had fun since he arrived at college. Everything felt like so much work.

"There you are," Marina said, jumping in front of him. "I got you some cotton candy."

"Oh." Ryan accepted the rainbow-dyed cone of fluff.

Tearing off a piece, Marina said, "It's from the LGBT Center booth. I figured you would like it," before popping it into her mouth.

"I mean, it's pretty." Ryan took a piece. The cotton candy dissipated in his mouth almost instantly.

"So why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?" Marina asked conversationally.

Ryan shrugged.

Marina grabbed the cone away from him. "Tell me or else."

He shrugged again, swallowing, before he told her about what Charlie said and what he'd texted Jacky.

"I don't get why you look so depressed when you communicated your needs clearly," Marina said.

"Because I feel bad for ruining his night."

"His feelings are irrelevant. You have something you want to discuss. He can be an adult and discuss things, or he can be a whiny baby about it. You're allowed to have feelings too."

Ryan wasn't sure what he'd been expecting her to say, but this certainly wasn't it. "You don't know Jacky," he mumbled, and at that moment his phone rang. The caller ID told him it was who he thought it was.

He was about to answer it when Marina grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Don't let his emotions override yours. You can set the boundaries."

She released his wrist, and he answered the phone.

"Hi, Jacky," he said.

"Hi." Jacky's voice sounded strangled and breathless, but Ryan couldn't quite gauge his mood from that short syllable.

When Jacky didn't say anything else, Ryan said, "I didn't expect you to call right away."

"Yeah." The breathy way he said it made it sound like he was almost laughing.

The silence was too loud – Ryan couldn't help himself. He had to fill it.

"Look, I just wanted to talk about our relationship. It wasn't an emergency or anything. We can talk later if you're still busy ice skating with your friends."

"I don't fucking care about ice skating, Ryan!" Jacky snapped.

Now Ryan knew exactly where Jacky's head was at. He started to walk away from Marina to give himself a little privacy. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation.

Jacky kept talking.

"Do you want to break up with me? Is that what you meant when you said you needed to talk about our relationship?"

"Remember your boundaries!" Marina called after him.

"Who was that? What boundaries?" Jacky demanded.

Coming to stop under a tree, Ryan closed his eyes and took a breath before he said anything.

"Hello? Why won't you talk to me?"

Breath in and out. This wasn't about Ryan's behavior, he knew that. What he didn't know how to do was how to calm Jacky down enough to have a productive conversation with him. He also knew that while there would never be a good time to have this conversation, he didn't need to have it right this second. He could have waited until he'd gotten back to the apartment to text that to Jacky.

"I didn't expect to be talking about this right this second," Ryan said quietly.

Jacky huffed. "Excuse me for calling you right away."

"I don't want to fight. I just... all of this has been confusing for me."

"Confusing? What's confusing about it?"

"Jacky, I'm trying..." He took another breath. "I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel."

At this, Jacky became scarily quiet.

"Like, we talked when you came here, but things were rushed, and then I had to break up with Charlie, and I'm not exactly sure what you and I are now."

"What do you mean, what we are? I thought we were back to how we used to be."

Ryan chewed on the inside of his cheek. That was what he had gathered from things Jacky had said. "I guess... it still doesn't feel like it did before."

After a long silence, Jacky said, "I mean, it's going to be different since we're long distance."

Long distance didn't quite cover the difference between what they had been and what they were now. Ryan tried to parse out what made it different. They had good conversations on Facetime and he was starting to get a feel for what Jacky's life at college was like. Was it truly just the physical distance between them that had changed things?

Finally he asked, "Has it felt the same for you?"

Jacky

He hadn't made it back to his dorm room. He sat on the steps of one of the campus buildings, doubled over like he'd been gut-punched, which was how he felt.

"What do you want from me?" Jacky asked, his voice breaking. "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard."

In his ear Ryan murmured, "That's not what I was saying."

"Then what are you saying? I don't know how to take back what I did. How can I make it up to you? What else do I have to do?"

"I'm not saying..." Ryan cut out, and for a second Jacky thought their connection had cut off. Then Ryan took in a sharp breath, like he was struggling to breathe. "I don't know what I'm saying. I can't explain it. It just feels weird when you say I'm your boyfriend. I can't just hop back into what we were before."

Jacky rubbed his eyes. "God, I wish we were having this conversation in person."

A little breath on the other end. "Me too."

Blinking, Jacky tried to take comfort in those words. Ryan didn't want to break up. But Jacky didn't know what he could do short of driving out to Boston again.

"I wish I had a car," Jacky mumbled, curling up so his forehead nearly touched his knees.

For a long time Ryan didn't say anything. Then he said, "I have a car."

Ryan

They made a plan for Ryan to drive out to Syracuse the following weekend. Timing-wise, it wasn't awesome. Ryan would have to skip a game, but he had only been put on the field once all season so that wasn't a huge issue - it was more that midterms were coming up and overwhelming him. He would have to work nonstop all week to feel like he was on top of studying, and then there was that term paper for his English Lit class.

When he finally ended the call with Jacky, he saw that he had missed a few texts from Pete. They were mostly Where are you dude and Marina is a real cool chick and Wanna head back to the apt soon?

Ryan texted back, I think I'm going to head home

Pete's text was immediate: Where r u

After texting his location, Ryan stood there looking up at the sky. The city lights made seeing the stars impossible, but the sky was pretty anyway. He bet the sky in Syracuse was clear. He remembered one party shortly after graduation where everyone was just being loud and obnoxious and he and Jacky had escaped into the backyard of whoever's house it was, dragging some patio chairs away from the noise. They had sat there, holding hands and staring up at the constellations, until a neighbor called the police on all the rowdy teenagers.

"Yo, I've been looking for you everywhere," Pete said, snapping Ryan out of his memories. "You ready to go back?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, I think so."