Chapter 11

I walked out of our office and into the workroom where Michael and Emilio were at. Michael jumped onto Lafayette's shoulders, holding up a mistletoe and planted a kiss on his cheek, cheering, "Mistletoe!" He jumped off of him and tackled me, planting a drunken kiss on my mouth so forcefully we fell to the ground.

"It's only seven o'clock and you're already drunk," Emilio said, pulling Michael off of me and to his feet, having to prop him up. "He just loves Christmas."

"I can tell," I said, Lafayette helping me up.

"He's kind of a horny drunk."

"Nonsense," Michael slurred, peering at Emilio over his glasses. "I just love mistletoes."

"Of course you do son," Vince said, coming out of the bathroom. He threw on his coat and fedora. "Well we'll be going now."

Donald stood up from his spot in Vince's chair. "We haven't given them presents yet, silly," Donald said.

Vince threw off his coat and reached into his desk where he pulled out some presents wrapped in green paper. "Of course. Merry Christmas." He tossed one to each of us, and as we sat on the couches during our small little Christmas party we opened them. I pulled out knitted, navy blue scarf. At the bottom it said, "From Vince and Donald." I threw it on since it went with my white sweater and navy blue pants. "Did you make it?" I asked.

"Yes, I did," said Donald, pulling out his pipe. "I learned how to knit in my retirement."

We each received a knitted scarf, but in our favorite colors. Lafayette's was dark green, Emilio's was black, and Michael's was purple. Emilio and Michael gave out their gifts as well. They didn't go with the "make it with love" approach that Vince and Donald did. They just bought us nice things. They got Lafayette a new curtain for his office, one that looked really expensive because it was huge and made of nice fabric. They only gave him a sample size of it, saying it'd be installed after Christmas. They bought me this really cool hanging light that had fake ivy coming down over it so it kind of looked like a plant and I could dim the lights so it could be a night light. Then they got Vince and Donald a set of unique candle holders because they needed some. Lafayette then passed around his gifts, which were all extremely nice. He upgraded Emilio's phone to the new generation, got Michael a new line of clothes not yet released, and he got Vince and Donald a trip to London.

"You get yours on Christmas," he told me. "Now pass out your gifts."

"Okay," I said. "I have your gift here so no point in not giving it to you." I passed out their gifts and watched as they opened them, hoping they'd like them. Though I was scared they wouldn't because they weren't the most expensive gifts and I didn't make them but I got stuff I thought they would like.

"A Polaroid camera?" Michael asked, sobering up a little.

"Yeah, well, I remembered how you said the best gift you ever got was a Polaroid camera when you were a kid, but it broke, and so I bought you another one."

He looked at it, smiling faintly. He snapped a photo and grabbed the polaroid, shaking it.

"I see you remembered that I liked to dance," Emilio told me.

"You said your shoes weren't made for dancing. Maybe if you wear those then you'll start dancing again."

He chuckled and took off his shoes to try them on.

"Oh well thank you Emerson," said Donald as him and Vince unwrapped their vintage record player.

"I know how you said you were cleaning your attic and found all your old records but not a record player, so I bought you one to play it."

"Within all the records I found you'd think there'd be a record player."

"I think I broke it," Vince said. "I think I knocked it over on one of our drag nights."

"An ocarina," Lafayette said.

"Like from The Legend of Zelda?" Michael asked.

"Yeah but this one is green and made from clay and has a Celtic design on it," he said.

"You told me you liked unique instruments and I saw this ocarina some time ago so I figured you'd like it. It was just white when I bought it but I know you like green so I painted it."

He smiled at me warmly, "Thanks Em. It's great."

"Well then, now we shall leave," Donald said, standing. "We have to go visit some family in D.C."

"Have fun. We'll see you after New Year's," Lafayette said, standing and gave them a hug. We all hugged them as they departed.

"Happy holidays children," Vince called as the elevator doors shut.

"We better get going, too," Emilio said, standing. "We have to go to Michael's parents' house tomorrow and he needs his beauty sleep."

"Hey Em, has anyone told you your lips are really girly?" Michael asked.

"Yeah, actually, just about everyone who's kissed me has told me." It was true. "Even when I was eleven and had my first kiss she still said they were girly."

"Your first kiss was with a girl?" Emilio asked, looking grossed out.

"Yeah, we were in sixth grade and at a party that some girl was throwing where everyone in our class was invited. We played spin the bottle. I was really questioning my sexuality around that time."

"I've never kissed a girl before," Emilio said.

"Me either, except for you Em." Michael winked with a laugh.

"We'll see you after the holidays," Emilio told Lafayette. They hugged tightly and then kissed quickly, which kind of caught me off guard but I guess that's just what they did because Michael hugged Lafayette and shared a quick kiss, too. I guess it was like a friendly kiss, nothing romantic at all. I knew it wasn't romantic at all but I was so used to associating kisses with romance that I was confused. As I was thinking of this Emilio came over and hugged me, picking me up off the ground and planted a friendly kiss on me as well, which kind of flattered me because I didn't think he'd do that. Michael did the same but kind of missed my mouth because he was still tipsy.

"Ugh, what have you been drinking?" I asked, wiping my mouth.

"Peppermint vodka," he said.

"Oh that stuff is so gross."

"We'll see you all later. Feliz Navidad!" Emilio yelled before the elevator closed.

It was just Lafayette and I, and we spent a few minutes picking up all the wrappers and Michael's peppermint vodka bottles because he for some reason bought like nine small bottles of them. We threw them away and then went into the flat. I showered and then changed into my short, silk black shorts, but I didn't wear any underwear because I was feeling kind of ballsy. I don't know. Maybe it was the holiday spirit or something. Yeah right, because Christmas time makes everyone horny. I didn't try to dry my body off or my hair so the water was dripping down me, but I didn't want the sheets to be drenched, so I shook my hair a little. I walked out and Lafayette was making a drink at the kitchenette. I fell onto the bed, lying on my stomach. He downed his drink and flipped off the light. We had hung Michael's present to me and Lafayette turned it on but dimmed it down so if cast a small light through the fake ivy. He climbed into the bed next to me and I glanced over at him.

"My family is looking forward to seeing you again," I said, since tomorrow was the 24th and we were going to my family's house later.

"Well I'll be glad to see them," he replied. He put his hands behind his head and normally he'd pull the blanket over us but he didn't this time, probably because he was waiting for me to close my eyes so he could check me out. "So your first kiss was really with a girl?" he asked.

"Yeah. Her name was something like Kalleegh with like a million unnecessary letters."

"What was highschool like for you?"

"Very average. I didn't come out to the school until I was a senior, but still not many people knew. I was in band for a little while and I tried track but was never that fast." I shrugged. "It was fine. College was fine, too. It was a smaller college and I think people cared more about partying than anything else. It was kind of stupid. There was this one small party I went to and we were playing spin the bottle and the person the bottle would land on would have to go into the bathroom and the person who spun the bottle could do whatever they want with them for ten minutes. Like really kind of pressuring but most of us who played were fine with it, like I was fine. I ended up losing my virginity that way, so obviously if we had ten minutes then it wasn't that good. It lasted about two seconds for him."

"That sounds really bad."

"Yeah. It was. My sex life is so pathetic," I laughed. "I've only had sex a couple of times and it was never really that good."

"I lost my virginity when I was fourteen," he said.

"Wow, really? That young?" I asked, looking over at his face. I was literally six when he was out having sex already.

"Yep."

"Was it with that neighbor boy you told me about?"

"No, that was Daniel. We were only eleven and he got sent away when he was twelve." He sighed, closing his eyes. "I lost my virginity to a girl that was fifteen. She got around, and I felt bad for her because she just wanted someone to care for her and make her feel loved. I never did that. I just slept with her and we both regretted it. It felt good, physically and everything, for me at least, but not after. You know, you just have that real shitty feeling come over you. I was fifteen when I had sex with a guy for the first time. I had sex a couple of times before him and so I was used to it all but this was his first time. He never told anyone about his sexuality. We met at a gay club in the city, a small one where teenagers could hang out. I had been a regular there but I only ever fooled around with guys, never actually sleeping with them. He came in, looking like a lost puppy, and he sat next to me at the bar. It was the first time he had done anything with his sexuality, ever. He had seen men's magazines and that's it. He had his first kiss and lost his virginity in one night."

"Did he feel shitty after?" I asked.

"Absolutely. I actually liked him. He was very sweet and cute, curious about everything. You remind me of him a little." My heart skipped a beat. "I told him everyone felt bad after the first time. I asked him on a date and that seemed to make him more comfortable. We went out but then he just disappeared. I'm assuming his family found out about him and sent him away. After that I was just your usual high school player. In town, I was always with the girls. In the city, I was always with the boys. I didn't have sex every night, but for a teenager I had more sex than I should haves."

"Michael mentioned you had a boyfriend in high school?"

He opened his eyes. "Yeah, Oscar. Him and I dated our senior year. He was new and a lot like me actually. He was bisexual, but he didn't sleep around a lot. He was happier, though. We secretly dated for a while, but his family was one of the only black families in town and some people made comments to them often and they moved. We broke up on easy terms. I saw him a few years ago and he was happily in a relationship, while I'm still here. Still sleeping around."

"Well you don't have to sleep around a lot. If you're so upset about being single then just do what you had been saying. Stop with the underground business and go out looking for the right guy or girl. Things are slowing down and by the time things slow down then you might be in a great relationship, ready to get married."

"What about you?" he asked, and for a second I thought he was asking if I wanted to date him, but then he asked, "Why don't you go out and try to find someone?"

I shrugged. "I'm only twenty-two, Faye. Like, I'll date and everything, but I'm not going to go out and try to date. I'll just let it happen and if I'm single by the time I'm twenty-six then I'll actually try to date. I'm young. I should be stupid, but my boss makes me work too much."

He smirked down at me. "You can take any time off, Em."

"I'm kidding. I actually like working here. Even when I was on the 23rd floor I liked working here. It's nice."

"That's nice to hear." He looked at me, just at my face, seeing something I wasn't seeing. He did this sometimes, just look at me. We were comfortable enough with each other I didn't mind when he looked at me anymore, but I still never knew what it meant. "I have to make some changes before I can date anyone, Em. My new year's resolution is that I'm going to spend the year changing myself and making life less private and less difficult. I'm going to have to deal with my family and my underground business, all my clients. Then in the next year, my resolution will be to date."

"Sounds good, but what if you meet someone that you're instantly crazy for your first resolution year?"

He laughed at something I missed. "Well, then if they want to be with me, they'll deal with my changes, but I don't think that will happen." He glanced at me. "I'm more shallow than you think. I only sleep with certain people, and I only want to date certain people. If I meet someone then they're probably a client, and I don't date clients. I'll sleep with them, but not date."

"High standards huh? I think I have the lowest standards of anyone. If someone just finds me attractive then I'm theirs."

"Why?" he asked. "You can get anyone you want." Except for you, you fucking dumbass...

"I'm just self-conscious and so I think hardly anyone would like me," I said. "Like, I know I don't look like a foot or anything, but I just nit-pick at myself and can't really look past my flaws."

"Come here," he said, standing. He grabbed my wrist and flipped on a lamp, pulling me to the long mirror hanging on the wall. "What do you not like about yourself? You're basically naked so there's not much you can't see." I blushed...

"Well...my smile is too big and weird looking," I began. "My teeth are kind of crooked, too. Now that I look at it my jaw is, like, flat. My head is a square. My nose is kind of flat, and pointed. I feel like my eyebrows aren't high enough on my head. I look like a Neanderthal. It makes my forehead look huge, too. My cheek bones are really pointed, too, like too pointed. It makes my face look sunken in. Then I have to keep my hair like this or otherwise it looks weird. My face can get so red and blotchy, too. Speaking of it, my skin is weird. Sometimes it's too pale, otherwise it's tan but so dry. My ears are huge. So are my lips. My upper lip is more plump than my bottom lip. My eyes don't pop as much as I wish they did. My neck is pretty long, too. I kind of look uneven. My waist is too small, too, and yet I have some love handles still. My legs are skinny, too, but then my butt is really big so it unevens me." I shrugged. "I don't know. That's what I don't like."

"Unbelievable," he muttered. "How is it that you don't like so many things about yourself and yet you still manage to have a good attitude."

"No one likes it when people complain about how they look," I said. "But I don't necessarily mind that I have so many flaws. I do, but then I don't. I hate it, but I sort of put up with it. It's like an annoying friend that you just sort of deal with."

"Why don't you like these things about you? Whose image do you want to look like?"

"Well...mine, but-"

"But what? This is what you look like. You said so many things about you looked weird, but why are they weird? Who are you comparing yourself to?"

"Everyone. Every guy I guess. I see you all the time, so..."

"You compare yourself to me?" he asked, looking at me in the mirror, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"You're just, you know, always there and it doesn't matter what situation you're in...you always manage to, you know, look good. In the morning, afternoon, night."

"Em, think about all the guys you've slept with. How attractive were they?"

"Pretty attractive," I said, because the majority of guys I had ever slept with were actually attractive.

"Exactly. How many of them were jerks?"

"Quite a few."

"Why would an attractive jerk sleep with someone ugly when they could probably manage to snag someone attractive? Nice wispy hair," he said, running his fingers through my hair, giving me the shivers. "Beautiful green and blue eyes. A boyish, cute face." He held my jaw, and then ran a finger along my lips, saying, "A gorgeous smile. Full, plump, kissable lips." He moved his hands to my waist. "A sexy torso. A nice ass." He unfortunately didn't grab my ass. "Long, lean legs. What is there not to like about you Emmy?" He grabbed my arms and turned me around. Then, he planted his lips right on mine, shocking me, but just as I closed my eyes he let go. "I told you I was shallow, and someone with high standards like me does not kiss just anyone. He kisses the most beautiful people in the world."

I smiled a little at him, my head still spinning from that kiss. Damn. All I wanted to do was kiss him some more, but I remembered what he said about taking time to change. I wouldn't want to ruin that when he's going to change for the better. But damn. I wanted to shove my tongue down his throat and my hand in his pants. "You're just trying to be nice," I said.

"Hey." He looked me in the eyes, intensely. "Em, this might sound bad but I don't call many people beautiful. I don't find many things in this world beautiful, so it's not something I say easily. So when I saw you are beautiful, then I mean it. Anyone can see that when they see you smile, the way your eyes light up. You're beautiful Em. Okay?"

I nodded, blushing. I wanted to kiss him and tell him he was beautiful too, but instead we just went to bed.

For some reason, I wish he hadn't kissed me. I felt like I was being played but I know he wouldn't do that to me. It's just that I knew he wasn't going to be dating for a while and that he would never make a move on me, but with all these close moments we have together it's driving me insane. He checks me out, he cuddles with me, he kisses me to prove a point, he calls me beautiful. Things were becoming so difficult and messy. I hadn't thought clearly of what I wanted from Lafayette, but I knew that I didn't want to be with him immediately. He would have to stop making shady deals and working in an underground business for sure. Then I would want things to slow down, too, because if we were together then work would basically come before me, and that is most definitely not okay.

I also don't know if he'd want to be in a relationship with me or if he'd just sleep with me, but the way he looked at me? I said before our relationship was weird. We weren't just friends but we weren't anything more. If we were in another life where everything was going great, would he date me? Would he want to have sex with me? I wanted him, and even though I knew if we just had casual sex it wouldn't be too detrimental, it would ruin our chance of a real relationship.

There were so many pros and cons, but at that moment, I couldn't be with him. Like he said, taking the year off to change things would be good for him. Then I'd go in for the kill. Maybe, but most likely. Though for the time being, I wasn't comfortable. I didn't want to get so close with him and yet not touch him. It was driving me nuts. A person should not date Lafayette Jeff at a time like this, and by sleeping half naked in a bed with him, lying on him, getting kisses by him - it's making me miserable. I can look and sort of touch, but not entirely. I'm being teased and it's not his fault. Maybe if I just distance myself some then things will be okay and I won't be curling up into a ball, wishing he'd just make a move when I know he won't. I love all the talks we have and how we've gotten to really know each other, but do I really have to sleep in revealing clothes or have him spoon me? No. We can do without that. Maybe he'll get ahead of himself and just kiss me and have sex with me one night and then regret it the next day. If I wear clothes like this then he might. I've known him for four months and things are ridiculous. We moved in only after two months, and look at us. Anyone would say we were a couple, but we're not. So, in the end, I don't want to act like this anymore.

-

-

-

-

"Great job, Em."

"Thanks."

"You'll get your license in no time."

I turned off the car, having driven it to my parents' house. We practiced driving everyday for the past few weeks and I was getting the hang of it. I just sort of sped a lot, not meaning to. We went inside, hugged multiple family members and set the presents under the tree. Lafayette put his dessert on the table. Mashed up Oreos mixed in with cream cheese, turned into little balls, and white chocolate coated over them. I think I ate ten on the way, which was stupid because I was driving.

"Hey twinkie," I heard a voice behind me whisper while getting a pinch to the butt. I turned around and my sister Alisha was there. I smiled and hugged her tightly having missed her. We were in the back bedroom, me putting our coats up, Lafayette in the kitchen helping Granny and Grandma cook.

"Miss me?" I asked.

"Of course," she said, pulling me down onto the bed. "So tell me about this gentleman you have brought over here today."

"He's just my boss."

"You bring your boss to family gatherings?"

"And he's a really good friend."

"He's pretty hot, and, you know, famous and rich."

"I know," I said. "But he's off-limits."

"You wanna be with him?" she asked.

I heaved, leaning onto the bed. "Don't even get me started. I really care for him and...I don't know. I do want to be with him, but that won't happen soon and it might never happen. We're like, almost already in a relationship, but not calling it that and not having sex. He still fucks everything in sight and I am just really at a loss." I shook my head. "He said he plans on fixing things in his life before settling down, and I really don't know if it'll be with me."

She leaned back with me, squeezing my hand. "It's okay Em. I know it's hard," she said.

"I have quite a while to think about it, though. To think about everything."

"You have quite a while to fall in love, and make him fall in love with you." She winked at me, smiling.

"Let's stop talking about it. I don't want to think about this for a while."

"Fine. You and I are definitely going to a club after Christmas."

"Oh no," I said. I went clubbing with her earlier in the summer and it was so chaotic. She didn't drink at all but had way more fun than me while I threw up more than I ever had.

"Yeah right, we're going bitch." She stood and patted her leg like I was a dog.

We both went back into the living room and she joined my cousins on the couch while I went into the kitchen, peeking in on Lafayette and my two grandmothers. Mom had found her way in the kitchen as well, and that spelled trouble. I snuck by them and went into the small room where the washer and dryer were at, but there was no door so I stood on the other side of the wall, wanting to know what they were talking about, and if it was about me.

"So, I told Emerson I was planning on visiting in January," Mom said, lying because she never said such a thing. "Would that be fine with you?"

"Of course. The townhouse never gets many visitors," he said.

"Oh, well we could change that. Tell me, do you and Em share a room?"

I shook my head. My mother was going to be the end of me.

"No, at least not at the townhouse. When we have to stay in a hotel or something then we usually share."

"So are you dating him?"

I so badly wanted to shout at my mother. How many times did I have to tell her?

"No, we're not. I'm putting off dating for a while."

"Well do you know if he's dating anyone at all?"

"He's not," he said. "He said he doesn't necessarily want to date right now." Did I say that? I think I did. Damn memory.

"Well that's perfect. When you both want to start dating you should date each other. I see the way you two look at each other. You look like a lion wanting to mount his lioness." Jesus. My own mother thought I was womanly, obviously by stating me as the lioness.

"I'm sure Em could do better than me." What the fuck, Faye. Literally the most successful man in the world thought I was too good for him.

"What?" Mom, Grandma, and Granny all asked.

"Honey, you're the cream of the crop," Granny said.

"Em has never really dated anyone before," I heard Alisha say. When the hell did she get in there? "He's just boned a few jerks. He needs a nice guy."

"Exactly," Grandma said. "Enough of his sleeping around. You, too. I can see it in you Lafayette. You get around. Both of you need to settle."

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

"Good. Alisha, help me carry this into the living room."

I peeked around the corner to see them all leaving the kitchen, Lafayette last. I hissed his name and he spotted me. He joined me around the corner in the small room.

"So you heard that?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's my family for you," I sighed.

"They're wonderful." He smiled at me and then caught me off guard by hugging me. I hugged him back tightly, and I know I said I wasn't going to be getting so close, but this was different. It was very loving but friendly. It was the right amount of contact. We let go of each other and went into the living room. We ate a small supper, not the big dinner feast for tomorrow, and then played around on the Wii and watched movies. Some of the family went out, like Alisha, and Lafayette and I went up to my old room, tired. We lied in my bed, which was smaller than the one at home and so it kind of defeated not being so close to him. Though I didn't wear revealing pajamas because I knew Mom liked to check in on me. I just wore a tank top and my pajama bottoms.

"Thanks for having me over, Em," he said.

"You're welcome. My family loves you," I told him. "I hate to say this, but we can't, you know, lie on each other here. My mom likes to check in on me sometimes and if she's us cuddling then she'll never let it go, so if I'm snuggling up to you in my sleep you can just shove me away and I won't wake up."

"Okay. I can do that, even though your warmth is nice." So cute.

I always wake up in the middle of the night on Christmas. I don't ever mean to but I just do. I woke up at around two in the morning, and sat up, looking out the window. The roof to the front porch was by window and so I usually woke up and climbed out to sit on it, even if there was snow. I shook Lafayette awake and he seemed baffled but followed me anyway. I opened the window and put a body pillow down on the snow so we could sit without sitting in the snow. We sat on the roof and he whispered, "How often do you do this?"

"Every Christmas," I whispered back. "I don't know why. I just like it."

We had a blanket wrapped around us, and were sitting close together for warmth. He smiled at me, and then kissed me. It was so good, but it wasn't right. I pulled away, already feeling a million times hotter. "Faye, you can't do that," I said. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry.

"I'm sorry, Em. I didn't meant anything by it, I-"

"I know," I said, my voice hard. "I know you didn't mean anything by it and I know you kiss Emilio and Michael and whoever else just as friends but you can't do that."

He nodded, sadness in his eyes. He was so lost and so was I. How could he be this amazing and not know what the hell he wanted? "Okay Em. I'm sorry. I just..." He was at a loss of words, scrambling to find them. "I just got caught up in the moment. Sitting outside in the beautiful winter night with one of my best friends..." Best friend. He said it to make sure I knew I was close to him, but just a friend.

"It's okay, Lafayette," I said, not calling him Faye intentionally.

I was head over heels for this man and I wanted to drop everything for him, but if we kept on kissing he would've fucked me, regretted it, fired me, led me on. I don't know exactly, but I know it wouldn't have been a good idea. He didn't love me. We sat out there for a little longer, glancing at the stars, kicking the snow.

Eventually, when we got cold, we went back inside, throwing the wet pillow to the side and pulling my comforter over us for warmth. I wanted to spoon him.Finally, the next morning, Alisha came into the room and shook us awake, telling us it was time to go open presents. We all went downstairs in our pajamas and Grandpa was making us breakfast. We ate, opened presents, and everyone loved Lafayette's and my presents. When everyone was messing around with their gifts or playing video games, Lafayette took me back upstairs to my room.

"I ended up getting you two gifts," he said. "I first got you this one." He handed me a small box with a bow around it. I opened it up and there was a key in it. "It's a car, a Rolls Royce."

My jaw dropped. "You bought me a car," I said.

"Yeah, for when you get your license, but then I felt the need to get you something different, too. So here." He handed me another wrapped present and I could tell that it was a book.

I unwrapped it to reveal a very old book. It was leather-bound, a dark blue. Wuthering Heights. My favorite book.

"It's the first edition," he said. He opened it up to show me a signature. "Autographed by Emily Bronte herself."

My jaw dropped again, even lower. "Holy shit." I'll admit it, I started to tear up.

"Why're you crying?" he asked, smiling softly.

"It's just, the best present I've ever gotten. This is just wonderful." I smiled at him. "Thanks, Faye. It really means a lot." I just wanted to kiss him I was so happy. It was my absolute favorite book, signed by the author, but the fact that he remembered it was my favorite and that he would go out and buy me it was amazing.

"I'm so afraid I'm gonna ruin it," I said, holding the book gently.

"I'll just buy you another one. There's gotta be another copy of it somewhere, autographed.

"I laughed. "I love it. I really do." I lied on my side of the bed and opened it up, skimming through the old pages. I loved the smell of an old book.

"Merry Christmas Em."

"Merry Christmas Faye."