Chapter 25

On the steps of the station building, I gripped the cool metal of the railing. My heart was racing along unevenly and I needed a few deep breaths to regroup.

"Evianna," said Matt, his warm fingers curled around my elbow, "we don't have to do this today. You can always wait another week or two before you come back."

I shook my head, determination welling. "No. It's time."

It had been another month and I was in a good place. I still followed my daily routines; swimming, yoga, food, therapy. Dr Ruth was a serene woman who looked like a librarian and who had been filling me with coping methods and sensible advice. I was healing.

There were still bad days. Being in a car left me feeling shaky and panicked, and once I'd been in the supermarket when a Spice Girls' song had started playing, sending me into a weeping fit in front of a salad dressing stand at the vivid flashback memory of Heather and me singing 'Stop Right Now' in the Byron Bay Hotel. I cried a little every few days, but not with the consuming grief that had gripped me earlier.

Matt was still there, every step of the way. He'd been my cheer squad and support crew, eternally patient and giving. He hadn't pushed me on furthering our relationship, innately knowing that I'd be ready at some stage.

I was glad he had so much faith in my ability to judge my readiness; I wasn't so sure. A thousand times I'd mused, How do I know when I'm truly ready to be with him? What if I jump in too soon and we have a relationship based on grief rather than love? What if I fall back into my old patterns of inferiority?

If I was going to be with Matt, I wanted it to be based on equality and true feelings. My biggest problem over the last few weeks had been holding myself back. I'd heard that grief could sometimes manifest as libido, and I worried that was the reason I struggled to keep my hands to myself whenever I was near him.

It didn't help that he was super-tactile too. Even just the act of cupping my elbow while I stood on the steps was sending streaks of hot pleasure racing up my arm. I found myself turning into the circle of his arms, splaying my fingers against his chest. "I promise, this is as ready as I'll ever be to get back into work. Plus, I have all these ideas to pitch to Robbo, reports to really help people."

"Okay, beautiful," he said, shivering slightly as I traced the lines on his shirt with my fingertips. "Let's do it."

"What? Right here?" I quipped, winking flirtatiously. Kidding, not kidding. My lips parted slightly as I drew in a lungful of his scent, which only threw more fuel on my flaming hormones.

Before I let myself kiss Matt fair on his tempting mouth, I drew back and looped my arm through his. "Come on, Co-host. Time to go to work."

We walked into the building, but the goose-bumps along my collarbones and neck refused to dissipate. It wasn't just about needing sex; I wanted more with Matt, wanted desperately to pull us both out of the friendship trap we'd stumbled into.

There was a vase filled with glowing scarlet lilies on the reception desk beside the elevators. I was beginning to believe less and less in coincidence as the brilliant colour threw Heather back into the forefront of my thoughts. Heather, I wish you were here. You'd tell me if I was being smart by waiting or self-destructive.

As if she spoke inside my head, her clear voice rang laughingly through my reverie. When you're ready, you'll know. Stop overthinking it!

I hope so. I squeezed Matt's arm a little harder as we rode up to the Jump Start floor.

It wasn't a filming day; Robbo had called us in for the weekly meeting to plot the next five shows. As we walked through the familiar halls, crew members greeted me with a mixture of delight and sympathy.

We turned into the conference room, where everyone else was already gathered. Taylor leapt up first and raced around to hug us both. "Oh my God, Evi! You're back! Your hair looks amazing today! How are you feeling?"

"I'm pretty good, Tay, thanks." I smiled at my old nemesis, wondering when on earth we'd actually become friends. Taylor and I had been catching up weekly for a coffee, and although she'd never take the place of a certain redhead, we were buddies. I was fully across Taylor's whirlwind relationship with Dr Blake, and she was a good sounding board for all things girly.

Robbo's gruff voice rang out as the short round producer ambled over. "Ah! The prodigal Cash Cow returns! Where have you been, Moo? Grazing?"

Not good enough. It was a blend of Heather's voice and my own, strong inner one that compelled me to finally say, "Actually, it's Evianna, Robbo."

"What?" He froze, face bewildered.

"Evianna. Or Evi. You can even call me Ms Moore." I smiled pleasantly at him as I sat at the opposite head of the table from his seat, Matt settling in beside me. "But not Cash Cow or Moo. Not any more. Thank you."

He didn't know what to do with himself; I'd never challenged him on his derogatory nicknames before. Rather, I'd laughed along with him, even when I'd been weeping on the inside from his unconscious cruelty.

"Oh, right. Well... Mizz Moore," he said, regrouping and blustering, "we've got big plans for you when you finally get your big... get yourself back behind the desk again next week."

I knew he'd been about to say 'your big arse,' but it didn't worry me. I knew my posterior was perfect regardless of its size, and thanks to endless invisible chairs in yoga, I could probably snap Robbo's wrist between my butt-cheeks if the mood struck me. "Sounds good. So, I've got a ton of ideas for reports and special segments to run by everybody."

"Yeah, yeah, maybe later. Right now, we're going to talk through the new series we'll be playing at 8am every morning – 'What I Hate About Me.'"

He pointed a clicker at the screen on the wall, and an image of a sad, over-weight woman appeared, with tragic hair and snarled teeth. He clicked again and she morphed into a stunning, model-esque sex-bomb, blowing a kiss at the camera.

"Every week, we take some ugly chick and run her through the world's fastest and dirtiest makeover program! Dental, hair, spray tan, liposuction, a decent outfit, those spanx things me Missus wears, and boom! She's hot – or hot-ish at least – and our ratings sky rocket!"

My mouth filled with a palpable distaste. "Robbo, I have to say, that doesn't sound like the best way to help people."

"We're not trying to help people," he explained, as if I was a special-needs work experience student. "We're trying to make TV."

"I believe we can do both."

"I believe you're wrong. Look, Mo- Moore, everyone loves a makeover story. Hell, this whole idea was inspired by you and your whole reinvention thing. The whole freaking country is talking about it – we'd be idiots not to capitalise on this!"

I shook my head. "Count me out. I won't be a part of this. Change the title, let me actually pick the women and work with them to bring out their inner-beauty, and we'll talk."

"Inner beauty?" Robbo said the words as if I'd just suggested campaigning for the Klan. "You can't capture inner beauty on camera, Evianna. Don't be stupid."

"Those are my terms. I'll help coach people, but I'm not going to promote fast-fixes." I folded my arms across my chest and arched an eyebrow at him.

Robbo rubbed a hand over his oily brow. "Forget it! We can't go all touchy-feely-hippy-dippy!"

"You didn't seem to mind hippy-dippy when you had me spend a week at a nudist camp."

"That was because sex sells!" He was openly yelling now. "Your whole road trip was planned meticulously by a marketing team who assured me that we had every demographic highlighted – rich, vain, working class, weirdos. You weren't meant to come home acting like Mother-freaking-Theresa!"

I smiled, warm on the inside. "But I did. You gave me the best gift of my life by sending me away, Robbo. It doesn't matter what your motives were, so thank you."

"You're not welcome," he replied childishly.

Ignoring him, I said, "But now I've discovered more about myself, I want to help others do the same, not give women false hope about what can be achieved in a week. Most of them will have scars on the inside that need dealing with first."

"Nobody wants to see ugly people crying over their childhoods on morning TV – not unless they're hot a few minutes later. Not happening."

"You have my decision."

We were at an impasse. Robbo cracked and moved on. "Whatever. Let's revisit this later. We've got some other important segments next week. Matt, we're sending you off to cover the Miss Bikini titles, and here's hoping for a good nip-slip, hey? Taylor is interviewing footballers' wives about their sex habits and tips, and coming into the studio is the guy who started a dating website for pot stoners. Plus we're doing a five-part discussion about how to take the perfect selfie.

"Evi, you've got a report to film for Wednesday – interviewing parents who have one pretty child and one ugly one. See if you can get some to break down and admit they love the better looking child more, yeah?"

Nothing was unusual for a Jump Start filming line-up; we'd always covered vapid stories and conducted interviews with people in order to subtly make fun of them. The content hadn't changed while I'd been away. So, why was I filled with a deep revulsion towards it?

Because, I've changed. Everyone else was the same and the world had kept spinning as I'd been through the fires of reinvention. I was different, and that changed everything.

Calmly, I stood. "Robbo, sorry, before you go any further, I need to let you know something."

Everyone in the room stared at me with rapt attention. Feeling totally at ease with my decision, I announced, "I quit."

"Ha. Funny, Moore." Robbo tilted his head nervously.

"Not a joke." I grinned, feeling the weight on my soul lifting. "I'm destined for greater things than we've been doing here, and it's not fair for me to expect everything to change just because I have. I need to find my own path, and it's definitely not here."

Matt stood beside me. "Well, this is awkward, but Robbo, I have to inform you that I'm giving notice as well." He turned to me, his face penitent. "Evianna, I wanted to tell you – I've been offered an anchor role at a major news network, but I didn't want to say yes because you would be here. If you're out, then so am I."

"Matt! That amazing!" I threw my arms around him, pressing the length of my body against his. "You should have told me! Of course you should go!"

"No, he shouldn't!" sputtered Robbo. "Both of you, calm the hell down! Nobody is allowed to leave!"

"Uh..." Taylor was trying to repress a smile but her heart-shaped lips were tugging up into a glossy pink grin. "Robbo, this might be bad timing, but I've got an announcement too. Blake and I are getting married!" She pulled a chain from inside the neckline of her floral shirt, showing us the engagement ring dangling from the silver links.

"Taylor! Congratulations!" Matt and I both rushed around the table to embrace her.

"Thanks! So, I'm moving to the Gold Coast in a few weeks, which means I quit too!" She made a little moue at Robbo and said gaily, "Sorry!"

Robbo turned a special shade of purple. "Stop it, all of you. This isn't funny. Sit down, we've got work to do."

Clearly, the message wasn't getting through. Rather than stay and argue, I knew it was time to go. "Goodbye, Robbo," I said, extending my hand.

He shook it out of habit, his moist fingers handing limply in my grip. "But... But..."

The three of us walked out with our arms linked, while in the back of my head a proud voice said, Well done, lady.

***

"So, now what?" Matt asked.

We were sitting on the floor of my bedroom, drinking celebratory cranberry juice. Matt had told me all about his amazing new position, which he'd called and accepted on the way home from the studio, and we'd both released Twitter announcements to the public regarding our dual resignations. Both phones had been ringing off the hook, so we'd flipped them to silent, marinading in the quiet and our new directions.

"I honestly don't know," I replied. Our feet were intertwined on the floor and I rubbed Matt's ankle with my toes. "I still love being a host, but I couldn't stay there and be true to who I am now. I just needed to close the door on old things. Speaking of which, I have something else I need to do. Will you help me?"

Matt's eyes were a peaceful hazel. "Of course."

"Wait here."

I returned after two minutes bearing a heavy black garbage bag filled to the top. Dumping it on the floor in front of him, I explained, "This is the stuff from my trip. Someone at the crash site bagged it up, and I've been avoiding going through it, but I want to sort it all out now."

"I'm here to help."

For the next hour, we dug into the bag, finding treasure after treasure. There were all my Amazing Curves pieces as well as the maxi-skirt from Imogen. Safe inside a cardboard tube, I found a photo print of a beautiful sting-ray I'd bought at the aquarium in WA, and wrapped around it was the rainbow sarong I'd bought on the Gold Coast and worn at Kaivalya.

Each item seemed to contain a thousand stories. I found myself laughing as I showed Matt the hardhat from this mining site, and exuberantly explaining the wooden crocodile statue Shelley had given me in Darwin.

"Is that a jar of dirt?" Matt asked.

"From Uluru." I held aloft the tiny bottle with the crimson dirt that seemed to glow. "I'll have to take you there one day."

He examined the jar as I kept sorting. Nearing the bottom of the bag, I exhaled in a bittersweet puff. It hadn't been nearly as painful as I'd expected; Heather's stuff had all been claimed by Andie, but her spirit hovered over the memories in a comforting way.

I picked up a floppy sunhat – one of mine, but she had worn it even more than I had – and smiled as I placed it on my head. It wasn't until I looked back down into the rustling plastic that I noticed a small paper sack.

"What's this?" I frowned and lifted the bag up. Tilting the contents into my hand, I felt tingles rolling up the length of my arm as a pendant on a sliver chain slid out.

For a timeless moment, I was transported back to a tiny crystal shop in Bryon, where my friend had helped me hunt for a gift. I closed my fingers around the necklace, listening to a wise voice tell me, It's a happy stone...

Matt brought me back to the present. "That's beautiful. Do you want me to put it on you?"

I nodded, emotion welling up and prickling my eyes. He leaned over and gently lifted my hair, fastening the chain around my neck. When the pendant came to rest against my skin, it felt as though it vibrated happily, letting me know it was home.

When you know... Excitement thrummed in my belly as I tuned to face him. "Thanks. There's actually something here for you."

"A present for me?" Like a kid, his eyes lit up.

I handed him the small bag, and he immediately tipped the bracelet out. "It's Citrine," I explained as he studied the piece with a massive grin on his face. "It's a stone about positivity, about living a life of yes."

"Thank you, Evianna," he said, touching the golden sun charm reverently. He reached his wrist towards me. "Can you tie it on for me?"

"There's something you should know about it," I said, tying the leather straps tight and interlacing my fingers through his. "When I bought it, I decided to give it to you the day I was ready to start our relationship."

He didn't answer and I wasn't brave enough to meet his eyes. Trying to fill the silence, I began to babble. "So, yeah. I'm ready. For, you know, us. If you are too. Unless you don't want to be in a relationship anymore because we've kinda slipped into this weird friendship thing and you've totally seen me crying and snotty and yelling at the sky in the middle of a storm, so I totally wouldn't blame you if you're not into me anymore-"

"Evianna." With a single word flooded with love, he stopped my rant. Craning his head down to capture my gaze, he said, "I love you. I will always love you, and if I could call myself yours for the rest of my days, I'd be a happy man, no matter what else happened."

"Matt..." I swallowed thickly, preparing to release the last of my defences. I forced myself to stare into his golden eyes as I said, "I love you too."

There was more I wanted to tell him; how I loved him for being there for me when I was a shattered mess, how much it meant that he supported my decisions and allowed me to be my own woman without needing to change who I was, how he'd become my true best friend and even though I was complete on my own, I wanted him beside me forever to experience life together.

But there would be time to tell him later; we would have forever to talk. In that moment, all I wanted to do was join my body with his and show him everything I felt and give myself over to him completely.

Kneeling forward, we kissed, and it was sweet and warm, like coming home. His lips were the perfect fit for mine, our breath and mouths moving in synchronicity. There was an equality to the heat building between us as our hands joined and our torsos pressed together.

I broke away first, pulling him up and onto the bed behind us. We began to peel away the layers, and with each item of clothing I allowed him to remove, I felt my soul unfurling wider. Open as a bloom, I lifted my hips towards him, ready.

There were no words; we didn't need them. I could see the love in Matt's eyes as he sank deep within me, feel my passion fuelling his as our rhythm built, knew that my spirit had found its mate in this man as we joined not just physically, but right down to our core beings.

Our fingers interlaced, we both cried out as our union reached its peak, and my pleasure found new heights in the freedom of our love. Emotion and electricity surged through me, my skin scorching. Throwing my head back, I connected with Matt's eyes, and it tipped me further over the edge, into a new paradigm of freedom and bliss.

Wave after wave of rolled between my heart and my senses as I came back to myself. I clutched at his shoulders, drawing him tight against me, while he sent his lips crashing down onto mine, a kiss full of total unity. The world wasn't perfect and neither were we, but we had each fought a battle to be with each other, and the view from the zenith was glorious.

"I love you," I whispered, feeling strength in the vulnerability.

He smiled, peaceful and beautiful. "I love you too, Evianna."

We lay around naked for hours, revelling in our togetherness. The late afternoon sun canted in the windows, casting the room in a golden cherry light, forces unseen blessing our happiness.

"What if there were no limits?"

"Hmm?" I responded lazily. I was on the verge of sleep, in a post-coital haze of happy endorphins, wrapped up inside the arms of the man I loved.

He, on the other hand, sounded wide-awake. "What would you do next, if money or scope wasn't an issue?"

"I... I'd want my own show." The answer seemed to emanate from deep inside me, a sub-conscious desire I'd never even turned over in my mind. "I'd want to create my own, better version of Jump Start – a morning show that actually concentrated on helping people. We could talk about inner and outer beauty, promote positivity, encourage people with their dreams. That's what I'd want."

"Great!" Matt kneeled up in bed, naked, glorious and excited. "Then, do it!"

The old Evianna would have immediately listed all the reasons launching my own show would be impossible. She would have dismissed the entire idea as ludicrous and probably used wine and sugar to dull the ache of a dream that could never be.

But I wasn't that woman anymore. Rolling my pendant between my fingers, I said, "Okay. Yes. But it's going to take money."

***

A few days and a truck-load of research later, I made a call.

"Kaivalya, this is Joe."

"Hi, Joe. It's Evianna."

"Evianna!" His rolling tones flowed along the phone line and I instantly felt his peaceful influence settle over me. "Patty, it's Evianna!"

He popped me on speaker phone and the three of us chatted for a few minutes, catching up on the smaller details. Finally, I sucked it up and asked what I needed to. "Guys, I have a random question for you."

"It's lucky we both enjoy the randomness of this universe then."

Briefly, I explained the concept behind the show. "So, I have the ideas and the people – what I need is cash. I was wondering if you knew any wealthy clients of Kaivalya who might be interested in investing in a venture like this?"

"How much money do you need?"

"A lot."

"How much is a lot?"

I named the dollar amount Matt and I had established, wincing a little as the figure left my lips.

There was a short pause, then Joe responded as serenely as always. "We'll fund you."

"What?"

"Patty and I, we have that amount." A grin had crept into his voice. "We may dress like we don't have a dollar to our names, but both Patty and I have worldly wealth from old family money. This is a worthy project, and we'll be honoured to help it get off the ground."

"How... how do you... But, but..." My eyes were already overflowing as I sank into the closest couch.

Patty spoke, her voice filled with warmth. "Just say thank you, Evianna."

"Thank you," I whispered, the first, and biggest piece of the project falling into place.

With only one chapter and the epilogue to go, now is the time I normally invite people to go back and vote for any chapters they might have missed (only the hard-core readers do this, but I love you guys for the effort) and to make sure that you've added Curves to your reading lists.  Cheers!

Honestly, I've been overwhelmed with the response to this book.  Literally hundreds of you have sent me messages about your own journeys, and thousands have commented here on the chapters.  I hope my legacy will be to share the message of this book with more people, which is why it remains here on Wattpad for free.

Much love, wherever today finds you.  Kate