Chapter 10

For three days, I'd been swanning around site without any makeup, and nothing fancier done to my hair than a bun or ponytail. That simply wouldn't do for filming, so the hair and makeup lady had outlined my eyes in black and glossed my lips. My hair was poker-straight, hanging down my back to my bra-strap in a chocolate waterfall.

Facing the camera, I was proud in my orange shirt. I stood at the lookout with the mine behind me, and spoke from the heart.

"Welcome to the Super Pit. It may be the biggest open gold-mine in the world, but the miners who work here are only a thousand among over a quarter of a million mining industry employees in Australia alone.

"The people who work here have heart and dedication. There is a generalisation in this country that everyone in the mining industry earns 'easy' money. I can tell you personally, nothing out here comes easy. Work is hard, recreation is limited, and relationships are damn near impossible.

"Imagine for a moment that every day, you had to spend twelve hours alone in a dark box, with nothing to do but torture yourself with your own thoughts. And when you escaped that box, you only wanted to drink until you couldn't think any more. Your nights are equally lonely, and every day is the same.

"This is the reality facing a vast majority of mine workers, and although their community is incredibly supportive, sometimes even best friends aren't enough to help. When depression crowds your mind like a dark demon and your options seem bleak, so often, people make a choice they can't take back."

We spent the rest of the day filming around the pit. We interviewed Jacko, Jake and Nora, lightly touching on the harder aspects of the job and highlighting the camaraderie on site. Steve gave a heartfelt plea to camera, begging for more awareness of alcoholism and suicide in remote communities.

The crew joined us at the hotel that night, capturing just another weeknight of mateship diluted with drinking. We didn't film long, and the producer, camera man and sound guy joined the others at the bar, laughing and lining up shots.

Still feeling distrustful of the same men who had almost certainly been involved with the vile wager, I grabbed Joel and Jake. "Let's get out of here."

"Where do you want to go, pretty lady?" asked Joel, raising a saucy eyebrow.

"Anywhere. Just away from here."

We ended up dragging Heather out and going back to the apartment, drinking from a large bottle of Absolut and discussing the universe with all its eccentricities.

Joel was going pretty hard, drinking the vodka straight. Around midnight, he passed out on Heather's bed. She was already snoring on the reclining chair in the lounge, so Jake and I went out to the wooden benches on the balcony, wrapped in white fluffy hotel robes against the chill of the night.

We'd gone deep; Jake had been telling me about his theory that music could actually be used as mental health therapy, and I confided in him that the city could be just as lonely as the country.

"Anywhere can be lonely," mused Jake, his blue eyes appearing almost black in the subdued light. "You can be surrounded by mates and still be lonely."

"Is that what happened to Jason?" I wouldn't push, but I wanted to ask.

"I don't know what happened there." Jake rubbed his temples, as if smoothing away the hurt. "He seemed fine, you know?"

"How did it go down?"

He took a hefty scull of his drink before answering. "The three of us were going fishing. We'd organised it for weeks; we were gonna take off on Friday arvo, drive four hours to Esperance and head out on the ocean for the weekend.

"Then, Friday morning, Jason pulls out. He says he's not feeling well, that he had a migraine and was going to sleep it off. We didn't think anything of it; we told him he was a pussy, to harden up, just kidding, you know? You don't think that the last time you ever talk to someone, you'll be giving them shit..."

I watched him, spellbound, not wanting to hear whatever came next, but unable to look away.

"We didn't have much reception on the road, and none on the water, so we didn't try to call and check in. We got back on Sunday arvo, and went straight to his place with this three-foot shark we'd caught, thinking we'd just have a late barbie and a few beers.

"He lived in this little townhouse on the other side of town, and when we got there, his front door was cracked open. Inside, it was dark as dog shit. He'd closed all the curtains and pulled out the light bulbs, I dunno why. We used our phones to light the way, but we could barely see. It was like a horror film, us blundering around in the dark, calling out his name, thinking the worst had happened, and even then, we never could have guessed..."

His fingers trembled as he swirled the ice cubes around in his empty glass. "He'd hanged himself in the staircase. He'd tied this rope over the upstairs railing, and he was just dangling there. It stank; he'd pissed and shat himself. There's me and Joel, chucking up and screaming and crying in the dark, like scared little boys."

Vividly, I pictured it; the two guys blinded with grief and shock and terror, the body of their friend before them.

"He didn't leave a note; we'll never know why. We found all these empty bottles of bourbon and Bundy in his kitchen, like cartons worth. The coroner said his liver was pretty well screwed from all the grog, and he'd been maggoted when he died too. It happened on the Friday night, not long after we'd left." He stared out into the depth of the night, lost in his own sorrow. "If... If we'd just come back, you know? We could have been there. Could have saved him."

I swapped benches to sit next to him. "Jake, I wish you could have, but you know it wasn't your fault, right? Jason was ill."

He wiped at his eyes with clenched fists. "I don't even know what I believe anymore, Evi. Because I'd be lying I said that I hadn't thought about doing it meself when shit was hard, but it was Jason who got me through that time. Then he just ditches us and pisses off!"

"Do you still think about doing it?"

He barked, a short, colourless laugh. "Sometimes. On the bad days. When you lie in bed and the booze has your brain and nothing seems worth shit anymore."

My own eyes flooded with angry tears, devastated at the waste and the hurt and the hopelessness. I didn't try to fix it, I knew that I couldn't. Instead, I held the younger man, and let him weep into my shoulder as we created our own safe bubble in the cruel dark universe, just for a few moments.

***

The four of us woke up to Heather's phone alarm shrieking Pharrell at six am.

"Jesus!" Jake yelled from his prostrate position on the couch. "Why would you use that song? It's gonna be stuck in me head all day!"

I yelled back at him, inexplicably grinning. "There are worse earworms to have than, 'Happy.'"

We all grabbed a quick breaky together at the café on the way to the mine, lamenting our respective hangovers. I hugged both the guys as they left. "We'll come out and see us off at the airport later, yeah?" said Joel, stroking my arm.

"Sound good."

We had to move fast after that. Heather and I biked back to the unit for another round of prettifying for the live cross. Once the makeup lady had done her work, Heather cornered me. "Are you gonna be okay? They're setting up a monitor today, so you'll be able to see Matt as well as hear him."

"I'm a big girl. Lots of padding – literally." I gripped my vodka-bloated belly, jiggling the flesh through the work shirt. "I'll be a total pro, promise."

We rode to the mine lookout for the final time. The producer counted me in a few minutes later, while my eyes were trained on the tablet screen to the left of the camera. The ads finished, the Jumpstart logo flashed up, and then, there he was.

Dammit, he looks really good... Matt's hair fell over his forehead, effortlessly suave, and his eyes glowed a dark grey as he stared into the lens. Taylor sat smiling vacantly like the plastic doll she was and let Matt intro me.

"Welcome back, viewers! It's that time of the week, where we find out what in the world Evianna has been up to lately. She's traded the catwalks of Melbourne for the hardhats of WA, and we're crossing live to her now at the Super Pit in Kalgoorlie-Boulder. Hi, Evianna."

Perhaps I was reading too much into it, but in his voice, I heard sadness and concealed frustration. I dragged my eyes away from his beautiful face and focussed on the camera. "Hey, Matt."

Taylor squeaked in annoyance at being left out, which turned my lip stretch into a genuine smile as I launched into my most important cross ever. "You're right, I'm living it up in the mines this week. Here's a quick look at what life is like for the amazing men and women who work here at the pit."

My report played, and I felt my chest tighten with emotion; since my conversation with Jake the night before, the stakes had been raised for me again.

I'd finished the report with bold graphics, highlighting the terrifying statistics of suicide and young men in rural areas, and the high rates of depression and alcoholism in mine employees. As the image faded, I drew a ragged breath, ready to do my small part in the whole mess.

"I've been here a week, and I've already seen people first hand who've been touched by this epidemic. I can't fix these massive issues – alcohol, depression, suicide; I don't believe any one person can. These are plights that we, as a nation, must address. We have to lift the taboo that surrounds mental health, stop joking about how much we all drink, and start acknowledging that much as we'd all like to ignore it, there's a really big goddamn problem here."

I set my jaw. "I am only one woman, but I want to do my part. I am making a public pledge here and now, to reduce my alcohol consumption. Drinking isn't the only issue in play here, but it is one that touches almost all of us, and grog almost always increases the effects of depression.

"So, I am pledging to have at least four to five alcohol-free nights a week, and to follow the national guidelines which recommend no more than two standard drinks on any one day. I'd like to encourage everyone watching to make their own pledge, and show your support on the Jump Start page.

"Come on, Australia. Together, let's reduce our drinking, change the way we view depression and start giving the young men of this country the support they need."

I let the tears stream down my face; I didn't care. Let them all see I'd been touched. It didn't make me less professional to care.

Back in the studio, Matt and Taylor sat in stunned silence. Finally, Matt said, "Thanks so much, Evi. I, for one, will second your pledge. I'm sure I won't be the only one." His voice was choked as he nodded at me significantly.

Taylor tilted her head, obviously confused by the emotion swirling around her. "Um... Yeah, great stuff, Evi. So, guys, coming up after the break; does your dog need a psychic? We talk to a vet who says yes! See you soon!"

The screen faded out, and I stood, weeping on the edge of the giant hole in the earth, where young men despaired and took their own lives rather than face another sunrise.

Heather held me. "I've got you, lady. You did so well."

The three crew clustered close, concern on their faces. The camera man spoke quietly. "Evi, that was brilliant. Are you okay?"

"Don't pretend like you guys actually have hearts," I sniffed. "I know about that stupid bet everyone had about Matt banging me. I don't need sympathy from people who'd gamble on a guy screwing someone else for entertainment."

The three of them exchanged weird glances. The producer said, "Evi... With all due respect, there was a bet, but that's not at all how it went down..."

***

I'd never pedalled that stupid bike so fast. Flying back to the apartment, I threw myself on my laptop and clicked open Matt's email, seeking confirmation for the story the crew had just relayed.

Evianna,

I wasn't sure I should send this. I probably wrote it ten times already, and even now, I'm sitting here, torn between hitting 'send' or 'delete.' I guess we'll see.

You talk about judgement a lot, did you know that? On air and off-camera, you seem to think the whole world is judging you for being fat – your word, not mine – and I know you fear my opinion on your appearance, when I've only ever seen you as beautiful.

But you, Evianna, are more judgemental yourself than you realise. You took half-truths and twisted them into a story where you made me the bad guy. You should know how it actually happened, even if you're too biased to accept it.

The first week I was on set, one of the camera men noticed how much I stared at you. He told the others, and all of a sudden, there was an entire crew laughing at me, finding my infatuation with you hilarious.

One Thursday, I went out the drinks with the crew, and you came too. It was about a year ago. I remember how you wore your hair loose, and you smelled of vanilla and frangipanis.

The guys always teased me, but that night was worse because you were there, and they were merciless.

"Give it up, mate! She'd never go out with a pretty boy like you! She's too smart, too savvy, too awesome to get it on with the likes of you!"

They went on for ages. At one stage, you started chatting with a friend of Alex's, some tech genius who was so into you, and I could just tell, you had no idea. But you were so animated, so passionate, waving your hands and laughing wildly, while he just stared at you, fascinated. Something inside me broke and I finally took their bait.

"You're wrong," I said. "You watch; Evi and I, we are going to get together."

"Not a chance, sweet cheeks! You couldn't get past first base!"

I'll admit it; I'd had a few. I said it and I shouldn't have. "I bet you we will. We'll go all the way."

That was it. I'd only meant it as, 'we'll end up in a real relationship,' but those guys made it sound so sordid. Maybe I should have corrected them, but it didn't matter; I knew what I mean and what I wanted.

I don't think they were being malicious. In their own way, I'm pretty sure the crew have only been trying to encourage me to ask you out. But I was too much of a wimp. Something stupid in my brain was convinced you'd turn me down for not being good enough – just like all of those times on camera when I'd try to flirt with you, and you'd shoot me down.

Until the other night, it never occurred to me that you didn't feel good enough for me.

So, here we are. You know it all. I have to say, I'm really hurt. I understand why you yelled and insulted me the other night, I do, but it still burns, Evianna. You didn't trust me enough to even try and listen to my side – you just steamrolled over me.

You've made it pretty clear how much you think that overweight people get typecast as being lazy. But you've done the same; you believe that anyone attractive must be innately bad. You might hide it well, but the second someone gives you a glimpse of reason for you to distrust them, you cast them as evil in your mind. Don't try to deny it – I know how you feel about Taylor.

I don't know where things go from here. You are incapable of believing in my feelings for you, and I'm gutted that you'd immediately think the worst of me, when I've always had your back. I can't see a future for us with so much in the way. Maybe I was stupid all along for thinking there was even a chance.

You're away for another month. I'm sure by then, all this will have faded, and we can share the desk again and pretend like everything is fine.

Matt

A shorter chapter, but the intense ones have to be. When I wrote this chapter, Robin Williams had just passes away and the Australian government launched an inquest into FIFO mining suicides, but this subject continues to be relevant. For readers in Australia struggling with any of the topics in this chapter, please contact Lifeline on their toll-free national number - 13 11 14. I can't offer a contact for everyone internationally, but I'd encourage you to Google and reach out to someone.

For everyone else, please make sure you check in with the people around you - sometimes, the tipping point for someone who's struggling is as simple as knowing someone cares enough to ask - really ask.

The comments on this book have become their own support group of sorts - feel free to join in the discussions or PM me. Remember to be kind to each other, here and everywhere else. You just never know what battles someone else might be fighting.

Click the star to vote if you're enjoying the story. Love, always love, Kate