Chapter 50- A First Step in the Right Direction

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"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough."

~Frank Crane

Chapter 50

River's POV

As I left the room with Alastair to head to our room, I couldn't help but feel sullen. I knew that I was never going to gain the approval of Alastair's father yet it still bothered me.

Was this how the rest of my life was going to look like? With Alastair's father's constant gaze of disapproval?

There was so much flowing through my mind. The fear of never being accepted with a dash of worry for the events I had just laid witness to only hours ago.

It worried me. With the execution today, I could blame His Highness and his rulership but what was to happen when he was no longer the one ruling? When this cruelty was to spill over into Alastair's ruling as well, what was I to do?

I tried to speak to Alastair about it. I tried to bring up change. Yet, he wouldn't listen. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of my breeding. That if I were from a higher-classed family with a better education then perhaps he would have listened. However, if my breeding was of his, my opinion would have been as well. It was because of my upbringing and my inexposure to such cruelty that it striked me as worse than those in the palace.

Why couldn't he see the bad in which surrounded him? It was almost as if all the cruelty and hate has ingrained themselves in him and he couldn't help but view them as the norm.

The thought of that poor older woman being dragged away by those men in armor as being considered normal caused me to shiver. I still couldn't help but feel guilty over the matter. That if perhaps I had screamed louder or run to her rescue, she wouldn't have been dragged away. It was a silly thought, taking responsibility for a situation that was completely out of my hands. Yet, I did. I was to rule beside Alastair one day and those people were going to be my responsibility. I couldn't just care one day and then switch a switch the moment we're crowned. I'd already started to care and view them as mine; there was no going back now.

Yet, somehow I still felt a bit disconnected. On one hand, I felt as if they were soon to be my responsibility. Yet, on the other hand, I worried that perhaps when the time came when I'd rule beside Alastair my opinion wouldn't matter. If he waved off my thoughts now, who was to say he wouldn't in the future?

The door to our room skidded open with a thump as Alastair immediately made his way to his wardrobe to undress. I placed myself on the bed, merely watching as I allowed my thoughts to continue circling.

"You are awfully quiet," Alastair commented as the last of his clothing fell to the floor with a muted thump.

My face heated as I struggled to keep my eyes from wandering downwards.

"Am I?" My breath shook slightly.

He hummed slightly as he slowly approached the bed, taking the form of a smirking lion approaching a quivering fawn.

His body crawled on top of mine, arms placed on both sides of my head, as he leaned down for a light peck on the lips. Though the moment he began to pull away, my fingers knotted around his silken hair and pulled him right back down. He let out a surprised gasp, to which I swallowed as my lips captured his.

Though, I wasn't quite sure what to do once my lips were on his. I was never one to take the initiative and I surely wasn't as good of a kisser as Alastair's, so I merely brushed my lips lightly against his in a simple motion, eyes squeezed shut as my hands slightly shook.

"Don't think so hard about it," Alastair breathed out against my lips, "kissing is natural, it's done organically. Just let yourself relax and do what feels comfortable."

"Okay," my voice slightly shook as my fingers combed through his hair.

He opened his mouth slowly, allowing me to do as I wished as my tongue brushed softly against his lips. After moments of me playing with his lips, he let out a low growl and took the initiative as his tongue slid into my mouth in a gentle, prying manner.

His fingers wrapped around mine on the bed as his lips claimed mine. It felt like hours as we laid, gently kissing one another above silken sheets and plush pillows. A ray of sunlight streamed in through the window, encasing us in a cheery glow.

Alastair slowly pulled away as he leaned up on his arms and peered down at me with a soft smile.

"My beautiful mate," he breathed out as he bent down to leave a chaste kiss on my cheek.

I blushed profusely and attempted to compose myself but I couldn't contain myself as I took the form of a tomato.

He pulled away and just like that his brows scrunched together.

I reached up and gently placed my hand against his cheek, "What's wrong?"

He sat up on his knees and brought his hand to cup mine on his cheek, "As I see you laying in my bed...my mate. I can't help but want you to truly be mine."

My brows pulled together as I peered up at him quizzically, "I am yours."

He let out a sigh as he shook his head, "More than in name. I want you to be mine in title. Officially."

If it weren't for his tight grip on my hand, it would have fallen off his face at that moment.

"You're asking for a mating ceremony?" It was meant to come out as a statement but as the nerves kicked in, it came out as a question.

He nodded, "I'd want nothing more than to have you officially mine."

I was silent, allowing my mind to wrap around the situation I was in right now. Was I ready?

I should be ready. I've been with him for months now.

"Please, love," his voice came out desperate, "please, just...say something, anything." His hand squeezed mine.

"I-I...I don't know what to say," I managed.

"Is the idea of officially being mine horrid enough to bring to near silence?" His voice came out strained.

"N-no-"

"Is it a trust issue? Do you not trust me to care for you?"

My eyes widened beneath his words.

His eyes remained on mine, unwavering.

"Please, trust me enough to know that I love you and will care for you for the rest of my life," his eyes were so sharp, hand so gentle around mine that I immediately melted beneath his words.

I nodded, no words could escape.

His other hand brushed gently across my cheek as he let out a short sigh, "I understand why you're like this. Who caused this," he growled to which I flinched, "but please, understand that I'm not the same. I'm not like him. You can trust me."

I let out a choked breath. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath during his entire speech.

I couldn't help but always expect the worst from people. Even from the one who loved me more than anyone else.

I peered up at him, eyes searching his as his fingers gently glided across my cheek.

I loved him and he loved me, so what was stopping us from taking that final step in our mating?

Me.

I swallowed, eyes tearing up as reality hit me.

I'm the one holding back our relationship.

If I won't allow myself to trust even my own mate. Who was I to trust?

No one.

No.

I shook the thought from my head. I wasn't going to allow that to happen. Changes were going to be made both in myself and in the society I was placed in. Both with one first step in the right direction.

"Yes," I finally responded.

Alastair's gentle fingers stilled on my cheek as if unsure of what he just heard.

"Yes to what, love?" He managed as his eyes tightened.

"Everything. Us."

His breath sharpened, "I don't know what you're saying, love."

I took a breath, attempting to get my thoughts together, "I want you to be mine officially too," his eyes widened, "I want us to have a mating ceremony."