Chapter 7: 7. Ode to Madeline: Homeless Speedrun

Ode to Madeline: Homeless Speedrun

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man!

You cannot believe this, Judas!

I found a free TV!!!!

Ay, Judas, stop chewing that guy!

You can chew him later! Come here real quick!

Okay, so check this out: It got funny sensory lighting!

Only one teeny-tiny crack in the corner!

And a remote!

Judas, we’ve done it, boy! We’re rich!

We can play sooooooo much Hellden Ring!

What do you say?

…

OMG, I love you, Judas boy.

You will always be my bestest best goat friend in the whole wide Hell!!!! (⸝⸝> ω <⸝⸝)

What’s that you say?

Baaaaaaa? Babababa? Baba?

OMG, I love you so much, my goat boyo, you have such a way with words!

I’m glad I rescued you from the clutches of the evil, sadistic landlord!

Though, now we have to hide for another century ‘cuz the damn Hell Guards are after me.

Man, screw their minimum-wage asses!

They can never, ever, in Mary’s wildest wet dreams, ever separate you from me!

…

Oh shit.

Did you hear that, Judas?

Baaaaa? Baba?

Yeah, I know.

Fuck.

Time to run, Judas!!!!! Follow suit!!!!!!!!

Wait, nooooooo! That’s the wrong direction!!!!

Oh shit!

“Please comply for your own personal safety! We will not hesitate to shoot you, even though you’re immortal and clearly have brain damage!”

Ay, shove my middle finger up your ass, baby boy! How many times did you have to suck [REDACTED] to get in the force, bitchy boy??

“Stand down or we will shoot!”

Oh, yeah? Try me, Yaoi boy!

Ruuuuuuuuun, Judaaaaaaaas!

Oh, we have a itty-bitty bitchy boy

Who’s still helping himself in the closet

Tell me, you scared of the Boogeyman, oh boy?

Oh shit, is that a fucking bullet?

Ay, chill, Heath Ledger, I was playing!

Stop, stop, I ain’t your toy!

No way in Hell am I staying!

Here, have some Kikkoman, soy boy!

Premium from the land of Yaoi

Hey, no need for being coy!

We’re just really good friends, uh, ya wee?

Ho, ho! Hop-hop! Hip, hip, ho, hoop!

Ka-bam! Kabloom! Kablooosh!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Swerve left! Swerve right!

Hup! Ho! Hip-ho!

Jump up! Jump down!

Check that out, I’m freaking Jamie Bond!

See how I dodged that bullet?

Judas, oh my pretty sweetheart Judas, I hope you are enjoying my wonderfully choreographed chase sequence!

I gotta let you know I was No.1 back in high school’s track and fiel—

Grrrorororooooan….

Wait, wait, wait! Stop!

Uggghhh…

Ah, fuck. I’m hungry, Judas.

“Raise your hands above your head, or we will not hesitate to bring out the dogs!!!”

Man, fuck you, snowflake! You—

Grooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoooooann

Ah, shit.

Ummmmmmm…

Hey…

Y’all got any food?

“Hands above your head! Now!”

SEVERAL SECONDS LATER

Okay. Okay! Yo, hands off my pocket! Y’all better not touch my sweet, delicious, hard-earned snack!

“This is clearly a dead rat.”

Fuck you! That’s limited edition!

“Okay, so for the time being, we will take ‘Judas’ and send him back into the wilds—”

No! You will not! I swear on my defiled, broke-ass, profane form that you will never, ever, lay a hand on my best friend in the whole Smelly Hell!

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

“Try to escape. Those bars are blessed.”

Yeah? Then I will! Here I go!

…

…

…

Yo, why’s this thing so hard and thick?

Damn!

Urgggghhhh!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ahh~

…

“…”

…

“…”

Man fuck you! I was in the middle of something!

Ugh.

Fine! You’re lucky! Now bring me food, or else!

“Actually, keeping you in here is probably best for the greater good of Hell.”

Do you freaking hear yourself, bitch boy? This is goddamn Hell!!!!! The fuck you mean “greater good”?

“Yeah. Anyway, sweet dreamy~”

“Mr. ‘Birthday Planner’~ ~”

Holy shit! I knew it! You are ga— Oh, wait no! Don’t call me that, you cunt! Come! Come here! Come back!!! I will tear your ass open—— Wait, no! I mean bend you ove—No! I mean slap your as—Fuck McDuck!

SEVERAL ALTERCATIONS WITH THE EVIL, EVIL HELL GUARD LATER

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Ooomph!

Bsssss…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

Why does it buuuuuuuuuuuurrn?????

“It’s blessed.”

Wait a minute. What are these under the bars?

Holy Christ, is that the nail that was pierced in Big J?

Where the hell in Hell did you get that thingamajig?”

“Oh, that? Nowadays, they sell it for 30 souls/pack. Really convenient for rat repellent.”

How the hell? Back in my days, you had to pre-order those for, like, an eternity.

Anyway, get that fucking off!

“No, sir.”

Bitch boy, I will not repeat twice, get it off—

Groaannanananannoan…

Damn. Uhhh…

Can I have some food, please?

“You’re gonna have to beg for it.”

No! Over my profane dead body—

Wait.

Oh, my G, is that a fresh human liver?????

“Sit down like a good boy~”

No! No! No! This is above my standard, and anyone’s standard, really!

“C’mon~”

No!

“You’re gonna get hungry~”

Hell no!

“Swallow it~”

No!!!!!!!!

“Or I will throw it away~”

This is police brutality!

“Open wide~”

Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

SEVERAL FEEDINGS LATER

Man.

This shit’s good.

Mmmm.

Mmmmmmmm.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Mm.

“You’re so pathetic… Is this who they call the Menace of Hell?”

Mmmmmmmm…

Mmm!

Mmmm, chill out! I’m just down on hard times! Mmmm…

Mmmmmm…

Mmm.

“Yeah… Clearly, the Chief must be senile. There is just no way this submissive (and oddly cute) smelly homeless guy is the biggest threat to the Hell Guards.”

Mmmmm. Wait, Jelly Levy’s still around? I thought she croaked already? Mmmmm.

“What did you sa—Hold on.”

MmmMMMmmMMMmm…

“Do you see this in my hand?”

Mmmm?

“These are souls. The very culmination of being. Demons require this for energy. The more souls one earns, the more powerful and dominating one becomes. Do you comprehend the weight of this power?”

MmmmmmMMmMm…

“Hey! Cute-skull! I’m talking to you! Anyway, Hell itself is upheld by the Six Pillars, the most powerful and intimidating presence in the realm. Each of them holds a plethora of souls so vast we lesser demons can’t even dream of!”

Mmmmm… Ay, can I take this to-go? It’s so good, mmmm.

“O vile Menace of Hell, heed my voice in reverence, and answer me this.”

“How dare you utter the name of the Chief herself, one of the Six, going as far as calling her ‘Jelly’ like she was your stoner friend?”

But she was.

“How stupid! Utterly ridiculous! Just like you!”

Ay, chillax, my brother in Satan! We all got that stoner friend in us!

“You’re making me lose my blessing, Cute-skull. But whoever you were…”

Heeeeeeyy… You just opened my cage. Looks like we’re finally working things out!

“You must be the dumbest demon that ever graced this land~”

Well, I’m gonna (politely) leave now! If you don’t mind.

Hey, hey! Back off! Don’t lean in so close!

I might blush!

“You have fallen off. Hard~”

Mister, you’re stepping on my boner.

☆☆☆

Dear Diary,

It’s me.

The neighbors came by earlier today to say hi. They brought some chocolates, groceries, plenty of toilet paper, and gift cards in a basket, saying Asha’s birthday is coming up, and they wanted to “help set up.” Closed the door in their faces. To hell with those needlessly nice upper-class dogs.

What if the foods were low-quality? Bacterias? Viruses? For god’s sake, Asha could’ve eaten those! I can’t let those hoodlums do whatever they want with my baby girl.

And whatever is up with them yelling outside the window just minutes ago? Can’t they calm down a bit? Jesus. Just because I slammed the door in their faces that they thought they could do whatever they wanted to a mother of one? Stupid pigs.

They are still yelling! I can’t with these guys! Asha’s already driving me nuts today, now I've got protestors, too?

I can just make out the words. They’re saying, “Oh, no! We absolutely hate you and your kid for contaminating this nice, rich neighborhood with your unwashed socks and unpaid taxes!”

Wait. Hold on.

It sounds more like they’re yelling about someone else.

“There’s.”

“Guy.”

“On.”

“Rooftop.”

The hell? Are these people serious???

I do not like pranks. Asha is still watching TV in the next room right now, and her afternoon nap time’s coming. I’ll write more later. I have to shoo them out.

☆☆☆

Okay, well, it’s me again. I’m only thinking in my head. Lately, Asha’s always been very stubborn about her toy or her clothes, so I’m overloaded with stuff constantly. But, research shows that constant thinking helps you get in a flow state, so perhaps, this is a good thing!

Yeah, I don’t need that diary. I can think on my own!

“Asha, are you still… ?”

“Hey, Mommy! Can I have five more minutes, pleaaaaaaaase? Super Bunny Man Episode 665 is almost oveeeeer!” She said with zero consideration for her mom’s poor health.

“Sweetie… Please do not make this more difficult. Go have a nappy, and I’ll be there in sec!”

“Awwwwwww, fiiiiiiineeeee…”

Off she went. Tip-toe, tip-toe. Alright, she was gone. Now what the hell was going on outside? I held the door knob and opened the door. Wow, the sun was bright.

Wait, weren’t there people here earlier?

Where…?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Why’s there blood?

No. NO!

WHY’S THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?

On the grass, on the trees, in MY GARDEN???

WHAT THE HELL??

“Who did this? Come out!” I shouted.

No response.

Shit. Shit. Shit! What will the police think? They will find me, and they will definitely think I’m the killer! Oh, my god, did I touch any blood??? Oh, nononononono. I can’t. They’ll take me away—away from my baby. Oh, they most definitely will!

Okay, okay! Calm down, me. You can do this. You’re no longer the little girl who was scared shitless of the demon clown. You’re in control. Remember the audiobook! You manifest your own destiny! You set the outcome! You manifest the outcome because you’re the controller. You control your life and steer it toward your desired outcome.

Alright, me, we can do this.

But first, cleanup’s in order. So, I closed the door quietly.

And I turned around.

What happened next was indescribable.

Please, just let this be a dream.

Please.

“ ‘Sup, Madeline?”