CH 184

Not Easy (5)

[Sister, I’m sorry. I am writing this letter in hopes that these words will reach you.

Sister, actually… I knew you were abused at your ex-husband’s house, but I pretended not to know.

I thought it wasn’t your fault. It was Father and our older brothers who intervened.

To be honest… I also wished that you were having a hard time. I hated and resented you…

When I was beaten to the point of suffocation and lying with my head on a stone floor. I thought, was that the beginning?

If you didn’t hate Father or dragged Mother out, just endured things quietly. None of this wouldn’t have happened if you had been exemplary from the start. I wouldn’t have been like this if it weren’t for you.

So I blamed you for everything.

The most pitiful and difficult person…  wishing for all of the accusations to be true was me. Then at least you’re comfortable now.

What I’ve done to you…

The lord had come before. He told Father to stop bullying you because he’d make sure you don’t go back.

He’s right to do so. It was Father and Older Brother who broke me, but I only blamed you.

Father and Older Brother were affected by him, but you… You accepted the hate.

I only realized this after you left me.

You were the only one who looked after me whenever I felt sick. You were the only one who felt sad when I cried. I took it for granted. Because I thought you did something wrong to me. And… Because you’re just that kind of person.

I never thought that you would have a hard time.

I also thought I was stupid. I didn’t know I was this stupid.

Why didn’t I ever say thank you to you? Why didn’t I consider that you may have difficulties? Couldn’t I have asked you that?

It’s the same with you who’s never been loved at home…

Sorry for pretending not to know. And I’m sorry for blaming you for no acceptable reason. From the beginning, you did nothing wrong. I should have told you earlier…

In place of our family, and Brother Rocus… I want to apologize to you.  Before he dies tomorrow, I want to tell you that at least once.

If you read the letter, and if there is a chance, will you let me meet Brother Rocus just once?

I think it would be very sad if both Brother Rocus and you regret it later like me.

I don’t need you to see me. I will meet Brother Rocus alone. I’m sorry for asking this again without an ounce of hesitation in this letter of apology.

Even if you see me, it’s okay if you don’t listen to my request or apology. Got it?

In the future, I hope that you will be happy while enjoying a place where there is no one who treats you unfairly.

I’m sorry, Sister. Goodbye.]

* * *

“Did Vlad tell you not to let me go out again?”

“It’s not like that, but…”

Lily’s shrill voice stabbed Talin. Standing with her back to the bedroom door, Talin hesitated.

“Your complexion… If you move now, you’ll feel even more unwell, Madam.”

Even her smiling face looked pitiful. She was so weak today that she would stagger even if someone only rubbed against her. Her chapped lips were also very obvious.

Lily had her graceful hair up neatly. In meticulous braids, which her maids spent lots of time on.

Her dazzling diamond-encrusted necklace shone along her collarbones. The same was the same for the colorful earrings that shook whenever she moved her head.

Her complexion looked even paler thanks to her blue dress, reminiscent of the summer sea.

Throughout the attendant, she urged that she had no time for this, but her maids insisted. In the end, Lily was forced to let them do what they wanted.

But now, Talin was standing in her way.

“Did you know too?”

A glass that was crafted with a mistake by a craftsman who indulged in excessive ambition. Lily was that thin glass. Even the touch of a fingertip would seem to break her.

“Did everyone know that today was the day my brother was going to be beheaded, except for me? Even the maids…”

What was wrong with that knight who doesn’t know where to put herself in front of her eyes?

She was the one who responded with a sorry smile, “The lord himself… won’t do it. You still have to stay there. Once you see it for yourself, you will not like it, Madam.”

Lily grabbed the front of her cloak. She couldn’t stand not having something to hold.

It was futile, like redoing a puzzle that was destroyed after hours of work.

She cut herself off all the life she wanted and filled the void with her younger brother. She never wanted that, but she ended up living that way.

No matter how disappointed and resentful she was. Could she feel so relieved at the death of her family?

“I abandoned my brother. Even that love has never been my will, but it was the first choice I made in my life.”

The day her brother died would also be the day a part of her did.

“So I have to see him.”

It wasn’t a request or persuasion. It was an order.

“…I will take your orders. Madam.” Talin bowed.

It was as if her memory had been folded in half. After that, it was almost empty.

She didn’t have to wait for the carriage to come. Talin pulled her horse and placed Lily in front of her. A battle horse that boasted a shiny, light brown mane. The two women got on it.