Test of Love

I sat by Josh's bed. I had reduced my visits to twice a week. The doctors had forcibly sent me home when I had started spending unhealthy amounts of time crying over his sleeping form. The machines beeped informing me of his still-beating heart but no signs of brain activity.

He was hooked over to numerous wires. Wires keeping his vital organs alive and his heart beating. There had been no signs of conscious motor activity for seven weeks now.

I was fast losing hope.

I had pulled up every single web page and article about coma and brain injuries. The best neurologists in the world had been contacted for him. Nobody could do anything.

Dr. Arvind Kaur, the Head of Neurology had in no uncertain terms cleared it to me that Josh needed a miracle to wake up.

I had billions in my account. No money would bring back my little boy.

I had come to clear my head after that night. What an euphemistic, I called it 'that' night. The night where I almost kissed Emir.

Ethan and I had never agreed to keep our relationship open. We didn't talk about his work. As a rule, we didn't. He was to sort out his own demons and when he was ready, he would tell me. I knew that the work took a toll on him. Loss of life was a terrible burden to bear. But, that was what made him strong. His goodness, his capacity for kindness was what drew me to him and I had been ready to throw it away all over a simple infatuation.

I was in the worst possible low of my life.

And I didn't know how to get out of it. It seemed impossible, utterly impossible to feel anything but despair.

____________

"Sana...."

Surprised eyes flitted to my face drinking me in.

"Hey...", I said in response. I didn't know why I was there. I didn't want to know.

I was too raw, too wounded. I didn't know why I wanted to walk over shattered glass again and open up barely healed wounds of that night. Perhaps, it was because he understood what it was like to lose a child. Perhaps, I needed an excuse.

But, I was here standing on Emir Aslan's doorstep, at two o'clock in the morning. I pressed my head to the doorframe, staring at him, having not a single word to say. I just looked into those grey, steely eyes begging for him to not turn me away.

He must have seen the naked despair in my eyes because he pushed the door wider without a word and let me in.

I looked around the bachelor pad listlessly. A curious mix of masculine and feminine, black and white photographs adorning the walls, roses in the vase. A home. A home like Ethan and I shared. My heart ached like a fresh bleeding wound.

A hand on my shoulder startled me out of my reverie.

"Looked like you could use this.", Emir said handing me a crystal glass filled with three fingers of amber liquid. My fingers clenched around the glass.

I gulped it down in one go.

My legs gave out and I fell back on the couch.

For a moment, a choking panic gripped my throat. What if Josh didn't wake up? How could I be a mother one day and childless the next?

My hands started to shake.

A sob worked past my throat.

Suddenly warm fingers clenched around mine. Strong, arms engulfed me. My head was buried in the crook of Emir's neck. The dam broke apart when he started stroking my hair softly. His entire shoulder grew wet. All the while, he didn't let me go. He held me tightly.

He let me cry until there were no more tears left in my heart. He held me through all of it.

When my sobs had reduced to dry heaves, he rubbed my wet cheeks.

He held my face in his hands.

"Shh...", he said, " It's over. It's all over."

In that moment, I believed in his illusion.

I let myself fall.

As he held my face inches from his, my senses returned to me. I was aware of his warm chest, aware that he wasn't wearing a shirt. His hair was completely disheveled. He had probably been in the shower after working late at night.

I shied away. Snivelling I stuttered,

"I'm sorry. You are probably wondering why I am here, crying on your shoulder. Actually....I....I should....I should just go."

I was so embarrassed suddenly that I stood and started towards the door.

But, I was rooted to my spot by a strong hand.

"Stay", he whispered. " Just stay."

My eyes closed and my jaw clenched.

He stood slowly and came to my side standing just behind my back. Taking my outstretched arm, he kissed my knuckles.

"I will go and put on a shirt if that makes you comfortable. But, promise me you won't go.", he pleaded.

His eyes held a strange vulnerability that I had never seen before as if he were as afraid as me. As if he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me when he steeped out of the room.

"I know that I asked you to stay away. I didn't mean it, Sana. You came to me tonight. Let me help.", he said.

I took a deep breath.

" I will be here.", I promised.

He walked into one of the rooms, probably his bedroom to get a shirt. I put my head in my hands.

He came back almost instantly as if suspicious that I had left.

When he crouched in front of me, I almost shied away. He put his hands in front of me to reveal a tartan blanket he had brought.

I was surprised by my own jumpiness.

"I promise not to pounce on you.", Emir said. " Cross my heart. Hope to die."

He actually crossed his heart.

I let out a disbelieving scoff.

Fluffing a pillow, he put it behind my back. I pulled the tartan blanket on myself. It was surprisingly cold.

He plopped down beside me with a weary sigh.

"You look like hell. You okay?", I asked softly when he hadn't spoken in a while. He turned his face at me,

"It's been a tough day at the office without you. Guess I didn't realise how much of the work you actually do and how many responsibilities you take. "

His admission came as a surprise. Usually, he was so cold and unfeeling that I wouldn't have guessed that he www discomfited at all. Now, the cracks in the ice had begun to show.

"Well, I.....I am going back to work tomorrow.....I....I just....um.....needed a leave to see my son.", I admitted.

"It's okay. All of us need a break now and then. I know what it's like. By the way, how is Josh?", he asked softly.

My eyes burned. My head dipped down.

"Not good. He's not doing good at all. There hasn't been any brain activity for nearly seven weeks....I....his...his motor coordination could be seriously damaged if this goes on.....The doctors are fast losing hope.", I whispered past the knot in my throat.

His hand engulfed mine.

"Hope.....it's a heartbreaking word.....it hurts you more in the end......I have heard it many times like a masochist.....it has broken my heart every time."

"Every day that I go to visit him at the hospital, I think....today is the day that he will wake up and then he doesn't and it rips me apart.", I whispered.

I put my head on his shoulder.

" What did you do?", I asked him desperately. "What did you do for a moment's respite?"

"I downed myself in work. I built this company back up from the ground.", he answered, his voice thicker. He was struggling like me.

"I try too. I never miss office. I don't know why I did it today. It was the worst decision to make."

"Yeah....yeah.....it's hard for us to do anything at the office without you.", he said laughing slightly. " We are used to your grand presence."

I rolled my eyes.

My eyes fell on the guitar at the back of the room.

"Do you play?", I asked.

" No....no...I used to but I haven't played for a long time.", he admitted.

"Why?", I asked.

" Guess I had no reason to play for.",he whispered looking into my eyes.

"Well, now you have a reason. Play for me, please.", I requested.

" I don't know.....I...I just...", he said uncertainly.

"When words fail, music speaks. ", I quoted. " You have no words to comfort my pain, but don't deny me this little relief. Don't be so cruel."

He sighed.

"If her ladyship wishes so.", he said.

" She does.", I whispered.

" Yes, my lady and may I bring you a cup of tea?", he asked, rolling his eyes.

"Ice cream would be fine.", I ordered.

He rolled his eyes again but brought me a bowl of chocolate, butterscotch and vanilla ice-cream drizzled with honey.

I almost laughed when I saw the bowl.

" Only yesterday, I was threatening you to stay away and now I am feeding you ice-cream and playing music for your entertainment. You are a dangerous ,dangerous woman.", he asserted.

I touched his face.

"You know you love me", I joked.

"Yeah.", he muttered. "I must love you a great deal."

I didn't take his grumpiness seriously.

But, he picked up his guitar and slid his hands down the strings once. A warm, mellow sound sprang to life.

His slow fingers touched some chords. It was an effort to remember what his brain had forgotten. He played a slow tune, at first without a beat and then slowly taking shape out of the rhythms of notes.

His whispered the chords.

C chord, D chord, A Minor Chord.

He played, he slowed and he played again. He played for me. He turned pain into art. He wove music through the darkness of our souls, through the frayed edges of our hurts. He threaded the pieces together.

He sung softly,

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing makes us feel alive

Love with all it's collateral damage was why I still stood here in front of this man. He had the power to hurt me. Yet, I considered him my safety.

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen, still

It soothed. It healed. Music became the healing balm on a hurting soul.

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.

I would wait. I would always wait for my loved ones to come home.