Hard Decisions

I woke with a jolt, my heart racing at a hundred miles per hour. My body was overheated and exhausted and burning like a furnace. Ethan was sprawled over the covers, magnificently naked. But he had been crushing me in his sleep.

As my breathing slowed, I hopped out of the bed taking care not to wake him up. He worked way too hard to be denied a godd night's sleep.

Tonight we had were in his apartment because I couldn't face my house without thinking about my son. Every wall of that house had my son's smell on it. It was terrifying to think that the smell was all I would have one day. So, Etha had let me crash at his place.

I went to the kitchen and drank a bottle of water straight from the fridge. Then, I rested my head on the fridge feeling exhausted both physically and emotionally.

Running back to back from hospital to office wasn't ideal workout for anyone.

Sleep wouldn't come to me tonight. My mind was restless. If I went back to bed, I would toss and turn and ultimately wake Ethan up. He deserved some rest. I didn't want to worry him.

So, I picked up a packet of pretzels and went into Ethan's study.

It was a spacious study filled floor-to-ceiling with books. Though most of them were on medicine, there were also thick volumes of poetry, that he loved. That man could spout poetry from memory and that poetry could always make me smile.

Neruda, Rumi, Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Hardy, Poe.....his study was littered with theeternal words of poets.

I picked up a worn volume of Edgar Allan Poe and turned a page. On the dedication of the page, was a stylized, Italic text.

"Remember me when you pray...

For hope doth lead from day to day"

A pressed daisy lay between the pages of the book. It was an odd quote, something Anne Boleyn had written in the pages of her Bible that rendered her from cruel seductress to a pious innocent. It was odd to write that in Ethan's poetry book. The writing was clearly feminine. A lover perhaps, a patient, a friend? The quote could have been anyone's but it was clearly important because of the number of times, fingers had been rubbed over the text. Even the dried ink had smudged a little. Ethan had held onto this book because of someone's memory that lay trapped between the pages.

But, before I could speculate further, the moon light shone on a sheet of paper. Sometimes, there is a voice that speaks in our hearts, warning us of the danger ahead. That voice was telling me distinctly that the paper wasn't anything I would like to see. Yet, curiosity won over gut feelings. It was a gross invasion of Ethan's privacy and yet I wanted to see it.

It read.

Doctor Trent,

The inquiry for the vacancy that you made is positive. We have need for volunteers like you, in these times.Afganistan is a war zone. As a part of the UN delegation, we beseech you to join. Your experience in the field wil be of tremendous help.

My heart stopped for a moment.

My gaze fell on the table, where a plane ticket lay next to the opened envelope. A quiet sob rose in my throat. What was he planning to do?

"It means nothing.", said a soft, sleep-kissed voice near the door. I startled out of my thoughts to see Ethan walking slowly into the library in my ultra-large tee.

Women tended to wear men's clothes. It warmed me to see him wearing that  comfortable, old tee with the AC/DC logo.

But that didn't lessen the pain in my heart.

"That plane ticket means nothing.", he said coming to sit on the floor beside my chair. He lay his cheek softly on my knee and looked up with  vulnerability shining his eyes.

" What means nothing, Ethan? This query that you made? This ticket? The fact that the letter is opened?", I asked, without accusation but simply resignation.

He remained silent and buried his face in my lap.

I combed through the blond strands of hair slowly massaging his scalp. He nuzzled into my belly.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I won't judge. We all have secrets. I think you should share some of them. That will make you feel lighter.'", I said simply as the moon shone on his golden hair.

He was beautiful in this light, almost etheral, with his aristocratic face and aquiline nose. Every feature sharpened in the dark. His face was the rugged landscape of Dorset that Hardy spoke of.

"It's just......it was just something that has been...that has been troubling me.", he said ashamed.

" Hey, hey... ", I said caressing his face, "It's no pressure, oak tree. When you're ready, you can tell me. I will wait."

"What if I took forever?", he asked leaning into my hand and closing his eyes as I caressed the sensitive area beneath his ear.

"My forever is yours. My today is yours. My tomorrows are yours. My heart is yours. If I have only this moment, then that moment is yours too. You damn thief, you stole everything from me. ", I told him.

He smiled a little.

I sat quietly waiting for him. People often underestimated the power of silence. Words were golden, silence platinum.

" I want to be what you deserve.", he blurted out.

"What?", I asked shocked.

" I want to be the boyfriend you deserve. I want to be the man you are proud to call yours. I haven't been able to give you everything and.....I can't be what you deserve until I leave the past in the past."

Dear God, what on Earth would I do with this man?

"E, I.....I....I love you....just the way you are, past baggage and all. You love me, you support me and you respect me. That's all I need in a relationship. The physical compatibility will come in time."

"I....I wanna move on, Sana. I wanna be braver than I was."

I got it, I really did. He needed to make peace with his demons.

"Then go. Go to Afghanistan. Find out what happened to you. Make your peace and come back. Come back to me."

Now, he looked stricken.

"I didn't say anything about going! I can't leave you alone in this situation. You need my help more than ever.", he said bewildered.

"I will manage, Ethan. But, if you don't find your peace of mind, then I will never forgive myself.", I said with conviction.

" I will not leave you alone. Never. I won't be your ex-husband.", he said indignantly.

I patted his shoulder gently.

"Mon Amour, you are not leaving me. I am making you leave me. Go for both of our sakes! Go, so we have a chance. "

His hand was shaking.

"I can't leave you.", he said.

"I carry you inside me, your words, your love. Wherever I go, you follow.", I say kissing his hair.

" What if.....what if you are not waiting for me when I come back? What if you move on?", he said haunted by the possibility.

Now I laughed.

"E, loving someone is the hardest decision you will ever make. There is always a chance that they will break your heart, but we still do it because your flickering lives are meaningless without love. You can stop loving me but I can't stop loving you. Not even when I am ashes on the wind can I stop loving you. This life, the next life, every life....its yours."

"Thank you.", he whispered looking up.

" For what?", I asked confused.

"I am not thanking you, I am thanking God for giving me you.", he said making heart eyes at me. I was about to puke from the amount of love saturating the room. But, I held back. How on Earth could I love someone so so much after three months of knowing him?

I was too jaded to believe in miracles.

So, I kissed him on the lips, lips on which I had smeared my heart in bleeding red ink.

He and I became one whole again.

"Does this mean goodbye?", I asked suddenly afraid.

" It means I will come back to you no matter where I go.", he promised.

"Be safe, Ethan. Be well. It's a war zone and I love your body too much to see it perforated by bullets and call me every chance you get.", I instructed him as if words had the power to keep him safe.

" Yes, ma'am.", he said saluting me. I held him by the collar of the tee, inches from my face.

"I miss you.", I told him.

" I am here. I haven't even left the house.", he joked.

"Half your heart is already in a battlefield.", I whispered. He looked away.

"Do you think that....that maybe I will be able to be with you.....in a......in a normal way after this?", he asked scared.

" I don't know about normal but we'll be together. ", I promised.

"I want you to be open. I don't want you to live alone. If someone comes along, I want you to take that chance. Promise me, you won't say no.", he begged.

"Fine. I am fine with open.", I muttered.

" There will never be anyone else for me but I want you to live your life when I am away. Cool?", he confirmed.

"As if there will be anyone else!", I scoffed.

" You might be surprised.", he winked.

We remained silent for long moments.

"I assume you need to pack. I will give you some space and go to bed.", I say forcing my legs to stand up. I needed to get away. To nit think of him not being here tomorrow.

" Don't go yet, pufferfish. Don't go just yet. Besides,I don't have much to pack except essentials. The delegation will provide the rest at the base camp. ", he said holding me back and putting his arms around my waist.

"I am tired. I have work tomorrow and you have to leave early. Let me go.", I said putting his hands away.

His arms loosened maybe because he heard the desperation in my voice. I needed to leave the room before I started crying like a baby.

When I stood at the door, I turned back to him. It hurt him, I thought that I wouldn't look at him.

"Please leave before dawn. Leave me when I am asleep. Leave me without a word because if you wait till morning, I am not sure I will be able to let you go.", I begged.

He nodded in understanding.

"You made me fall in love with you and then you made me leave you. I don't know if you are exceedingly kind or mercilessly cruel but you are my truth."

"And you are my poetry, my escape.", I whispered and pressed a kiss to my fingers and marked the air where he stood.

Then I left. I didn't look back.