21. If We Had Just Been Honest

MATTY POV

Hello sweet grief

I know you will be the death of me

Feel like the morning after ecstasy

I am drowning in an endless sea

Hello old friend

Here's the misery that knows no end

So I am doing everything I can

To make sure I never love again

I sang in the shower with Nakoa on my hip, washing his soft curls in the falling water as he coughed. I made sure I didn't get any soap in his eyes and he tiredly rested his head on my chest. My poor baby has an upper respiratory infection that had us on edge, giving him prescribed antibiotics.

He was crying as he each painful cough ravaged through his body and all I could do was rock him back and forth while singing to him.

I wish that I did not know

Where all broken lovers go

I wish that my heart was made of stone

Yeah if I was bulletproof

I'd love you black and blue

If I was solid like a jewel

I continued and he whimpered with his head rested on my wet shoulder. I left the shower on and exited the shower, touching the keypad and putting the water on it's highest setting so more steam could evade the room as I dried off Nakoa first. Toweling him off before wrapping him up like a burrito in his favorite unicorn bathrobe that was soft to his hot sensitive skin.

If I had a diamond heart

Oh oh

I'd give you all my love

If I was unbreakable

If I had a diamond heart

Oh oh

You could shoot me with a gun of gold

If I was unbreakable

I wrapped a towel around my waist and sat on the edge of the bathtub, taking a little Vicks and rubbing it on his chest to open up his airways like my dad use to do when I was a baby.

"Mommy, it hurts," Koa cried at the soft burn of the Vicks and I gently kissed the top of his head.

"I know baby, but it will help you feel better," I told him and he coughed before tiredly resting his little head against my bare chest as I cradled him.

I'd walk straight through the bullet

Bendin' like a tulip

Blue-eyed and foolish

Never mind the bruises

Into the fire

Breakin' through the wires

Give you all I've got

If I had a diamond heart

I'd walk straight through the dagger

Never break the pattern

Diamonds don't shatter

Beautiful and battered

Into the poison

Cry you an ocean

Give you all I've got

I continued, patting his back to get the mucus out and his cries turned to gentle whimpers.

Goodbye, so long

I don't know if this is right or wrong

Am I giving up where I belong?

'Cause every station is playing our song

Goodbye my love

You are everything my dreams made of

You'll be Prince and I'm the crying dove

If I only were unbreakable

I was in my feelings as I sang, trying to shake off the depressed ache that had settled in my chest and never left after that one night.

.

.

.

Feeling the empty bed beside me and the loss of Luca's arms wrapped around me, I quickly sat up. Not even bothering to look at the time as I felt the wet sheets where my husbands once were and knew Luca had another attack.

I started to panic as I questioned where they were, assuming the worse until I heard something coming from the bathroom. I slowly got out of bed, ignoring the pain in my ass as I hobbled over to the bathroom door which had been left open just a little bit. I peeked in to see Thomas and Luca were in the bathtub. Enjoying a little bubble bath which I figured Thomas must have made after Luca's attack.

But for some reason, Luca was holding Thomas in his arms, with both of them having their eyes closed as he nestled his head into Thomas' shoulder.

"Thomas?" Luca called his name and I wondered what has happened.

"Do you think you can still love me? Knowing that?" Luca asked and Thomas stuttered just to say his name and it sounded like Thomas was heartbroken.

"I'm sorry I probably ruined everything," Luca sighed and Thomas said something into his shoulder that was so low I couldn't hear over them over the sound of the water hitting the bathtub.

"I love you so much Luca. I love you so fucking much and I didn't think it was possible but now that I understand everything, I love you more than I ever did before and I'm sure Matty will too when you decide to tell him," Thomas said in a louder voice that I could actually hear as Thomas pressed his forehead to Luca's and the two were locked in each others embrace. Luca slowly reached out with a shaky hand and gently caressed Thomas' cheek.

"I love you too and I would do it all over again if I knew it was the only way I would make it to you," Luca says the words that I know he would never say to me and I felt my heart stop.

Not wanting to hear anything else, I trudged back to the bed so I could pretend to sleep. The perfect night with my husbands had been ruined and my world came to a crashing halt.

Did Luca want to leave me and stay with Thomas?

Is that why he told him he ruined everything?

.

.

.

I wish that I did not know

Where all broken lovers go

I wish that my heart was made of stone

Yeah if I was bulletproof

I'd love you black and blue

If I was solid like a jewel

I had spent the past month in a state of limbo, watching Luca's every move. Waiting for him to suddenly spring the heartbreaking truth on me like he did to Thomas.

But instead, he was acting sweeter to me than usual which only killed me further.

How would it work if Luca divorced just me? Did he expect us to just be friends while he made out with Thomas in front of me? Would we all keep living in the same house?

No.

No we wouldn't.

Because Thomas would probably leave me too.

The thought instantly sends the tears that I was holding back, dripping down my face and falling to Koa's cheeks. I quickly wiped them off my poor son as he opened his bright green eyes and stared at me confused.

"Mommy, are you okay?" He asked reaching up his little hand and patting my wet cheeks. I nodded, wiping the tears away and covering my son in small kisses.

"Yeah baby, mommy's just fine. It's the water from the shower," I quickly lied to him and sniffled. Thankfully his coughing had been reduced to a minimum as we stayed like this for about fifteen more minutes and I tried not to think about my marriage ending to one of my soulmates.

Cradling my little one, I walked him back to his room and put him down in his toddler bed, tucking him in under his sheets and walking back out to pack for my trip which I was leaving for in an hour.

I went over to the walk-in closet and changed into some shorts and a red supreme hoodie, knowing it was going to be hot in Puerto Rico but cold on the plane. I took out my suitcase and placed it onto the bench as I finished packing for the three-day trip.

As I started to pick out a last pair of shoes, I felt someone's strong arms wrap around me and give me a gentle squeeze.

"Mmm, are you sure you have to go love? I'm going to miss you so much," Luca whispers into the nape of my neck as he gently kisses it but I'm officially done with his bullshit.

"Sure you are," I grunt and push him away. Grabbing the last pair of shoes and turning to put them in the suitcase only to find Luca looking hurt and confused.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked and I shook my head.

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me Luca?" I huffed as I put the shoes in my suitcase and zipped it up. Cooper came trotting into the room, sensing his owners panic, but the guilt I felt was long gone.

"Matthias, I-"

"When was your last attack?" I asked him straight out of the gates and he put his hands in his pockets.

"It was a few months back, you were there remember?" He said and I slammed my fist against the wooden bench with a loud bang.

"You fucking liar!" I shouted at him and stood up with my suitcase tossed onto the floor.

"Wanna try that again?" I asked and he was frozen in his own words.

"Fine, it was last month but I don't see why you're so upset." His voice gets soft as his bottom lip trembles and everything in my body was screaming at me to stop and apologize but I wasn't about to give up.

"You know exactly why I'm upset! Stop it Luca, I'm not stupid! I saw what happened in the bathtub and I know you're a lot closer to Thomas than you are to me but stop keeping this from me and just fucking tell me already!" I yelled at him and he took a few steps back from me, his breathing becoming labored and even Cooper was barking now.

"You! Be quiet!" I said to Cooper and he whimpered at his master's feet.

"T-t-that's not true...I love you both," Luca says in a whispered breath and I wanted to smack him out of my own frustration. I turn around and stand face first against the closet wall unable to face him.

"Just tell me the truth Luca, I know you don't love me and you want to stay with Thomas that's fine but stop dragging me along," I told him and I heard a choked out cry.

"What?! Matthias that's not what Thomas and I talked about that night! Stop it!" Luca cried out and I turned to see he had sunk to the floor in tears looking defeated and I didn't even bother wiping away my own tears.

"Stop lying to me!" I cried, choking on my own tears.

"I'm not lying!" He cried out while putting his hands up, accidentally hitting his hands against one of the drawers and wincing with pain. Fuck him for being in pain and making me feel worse than I already do.

"Then tell me. Tell me what you two talked about that night," I gave him one last chance and he burried his head in his hands.

"Matthias...it's...I don't know how to tell you this..."

"See! This is exactly what I fucking meant. I was right all along. Fuck!" I picked up my suitcase and bit my tongue as I walked out of the closet and into our bedroom to find Thomas running in.

"What the fuck is going on?!" He asked and I looked him dead in the eyes with tears still streaming down my face.

"I'm leaving, you better go comfort your husband," I said and left without looking back.