CHAPTER FIVE

"Nat!" Hands were all over me. Cupping my face. Pulling back my hair. One of the boys was pressed against my back, their hard chest the only thing keeping me upright.

"Natalia, can you hear me?" Matt's voice was distant, drowned out by the panic pounding in my skull.

Beads of sweat pooled along my hairline, sending a shudder through my body. Breathe, breathe. I tugged at the fabric of my sweater. "Off," I gasped, yanking helplessly at the hoodie's neckline.

"You want this off?" Before I could get another word out, Nick's hands were at the waistline of my sweatshirt, quickly discarding it onto the dock.

Damp air hit my exposed shoulders. Gasping, I brought my trembling fingers to my chest, knocking them rhythmically against my sternum. I'd read once that if you were experiencing an anxiety attack, gently beating your hand on your chest could help ground you.

"It's okay. You're okay." A low, soothing voice cooed in my ear.

Chris.

I relaxed slightly into his pounding chest. His heart was beating so fast it was hard to tell if the labored breath was coming from me or him.

A coolness settled over my lips.

Water.

I blinked frantically against the sensation. White dots spotted my vision.

"I think you're having a panic attack." Matt took my face in his hands. "You need to breathe."

I nodded against his touch.

"In through your nose," he whispered.

I tried to refocus my eyes on his mouth as he guided me. Shakily, I took a long, jagged breath in and held it.

"Good. Now, slowly release it through your mouth." He was mimicking the motions with me. After the third intake, my lungs started to relax. Matt's face snapped into focus. He dropped one of his hands to lift mine and lay it flat against my stomach.

"Breathe here."

I did as he said, filling my belly with as much air as it could hold. I concentrated on our hands through the flimsy fabric of my tank top. My stomach expanded several more times.

Nick was on his knees next to Matt, holding a half-empty water bottle in one hand, and my hair in the other. He'd gathered it into a ponytail, holding it off my neck.

I smiled weakly at him. "Thank you."

He nodded, lifting the bottle towards me. "Here, have some more water."

I wrapped my hand around the bottle, pressing its cool plastic to my lips. I took a few small gulps before handing it back to Nick. His face relaxed a bit once my breathing started to return to normal.

Chris repositioned himself to better see my face. "Do you want to stand up?"

I nodded. Matt and Nick each stuck out a hand for me to grab and gently lifted me to my feet. Their palms were clammy. I could only imagine how mine felt for them. Chris dusted off his jeans and stood next to me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. His face hadn't quite calmed yet. A thin line formed between his brows.

My head was still a little dizzy, but the tightness in my chest had subsided. Tears pricked my eyes. I looked away from them. "I am so sorry," I started. "I don't know what happened."

Chris put his hand on my arm. "You don't need to apologize."

"Not at all," Nick added. "It just scared us for a second."

Matt and Chris nodded in agreement. I wanted to peel my skin off and dive head first into the water. All of the panic that had been in my body a few minutes ago had been replaced with embarrassment. I wiped at the tears threatening to spill with the back of my hand. I barely knew these people and here I was having a full fucking meltdown in front of them - no, in their arms. I wouldn't be shocked if they dropped my ass off at Next Chapter and never spoke to me again.

I blew out a long breath and looked up at the sky. Heavy clouds settled over the lake. They looked ready to open up at any minute.

I reached down to grab my sweatshirt, flipping it right side out and giving it a shake. "We should probably go. It's about to dump out here."

I pulled the varsity gray hoodie over my head.

"You're probably right," Matt agreed. His voice was strained like he was choked up, but when I met his eyes, they were as settled as they'd ever been.

The four of us walked silently down the dirt path back to the car. Sporadic droplets of rain plopped onto our heads as we trudged through the darkening trees. Matt's keys were clipped to his belt loop, jingling as he walked. A faint metallic tink filled the silence.

Back at the car, we each clamored into our seats, waiting for someone to break the uncomfortable tension. I watched Chris through the passenger mirror as he mouthed something to Nick, who I couldn't see.

I glanced sideways at Matt who was already looking at me. I shifted in my seat.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head, but there was definitely something. "What's the plan?" He adjusted the rearview mirror to get a better look at his brothers in the backseat.

"I don't know, maybe Nat should decide? If she's still not feeling well?" Chris prompted.

I should tell them to take me back to town and forget this whole little episode even happened. Or the whole day for that matter. After all, I still didn't know how long they planned on sticking around. And I'd be lying to myself if I said the conversation I had with Chris hadn't somehow played a role in my panic attack.

Though, I wasn't entirely sure why.

"I don't want to ruin any more of your guys' day. You should just take me back to the shop." I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Are you sure?" Nick asked.

Not really. I nodded decidedly, buckling myself into the passenger seat. "Yeah, I have a ton of stuff to do for Jenny anyways."

"Oh, okay." Nick said, deflated.

"Do you mind if we stop and grab something to eat before we take you back?" Matt turned to me. "We didn't have breakfast, and I know Chris is probably starving." He looked back at Chris who was nodding his head enthusiastically.

"Yes! Food!" Chris exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

What could a few more minutes hurt?

"Okay, sure," I said. "I know a place that makes a pretty good sandwich."

"Sold!" Chris shook the back of my seat, prompting a startled laugh from me.

"All right, then. Tell me where to go." Matt pulled out from the cover of trees and headed back into town.

-

The rain was coming down harder, now. Rhythmic drizzling on the hood of the car melded into the low, melodic bedroom-pop seeping from the car's speakers. Nick and Chris were making small talk with each other in the backseat, while I was deliberately avoiding Matt's gaze. I kept my eyes trained out the passenger window, watching a blurry vision of trees and front porches pass. Some of the houses already had their lawns decorated for the Harvest Festival. Miscellaneous sized pumpkins and gourds, wicker baskets, and autumn colored wreaths lined the browning grass and front stoops.

I'd never experienced a Harvest Festival before, but everyone in Woodbury seemed to be bursting at the seams with excitement for its annual return. Early in the summer, Jenny had asked me if I wanted to join her at her booth.

"Woodbury Harvest Festival is a weekend long celebration filled with food, live music, vendors - the whole shabang," she'd explained. "The whole town comes together to commemorate the year's harvest and show off everything we love about Woodbury. Plus, it gives us the opportunity to enjoy our community without worrying about work or the mundane responsibilities of our cyclical lives."

I used to watch Gilmore Girls growing up and had asked Jenny if it was anything like the events they put on in Stars Hollow. She looked offended, but begrudgingly said, "It's very similar."

I smiled as we passed a group of kids playing on a patch of browning grass near the town center. They were chasing each other in circles. One of them slipped and his whole left side was drenched in mud. They all laughed together.

"Barney's is right up here," I said, pointing towards the deli nestled into an old brick building. A line was already forming out the door. People huddled under the soaked red awning in their ponchos and rain boots waiting to order.

Matt pulled up next to the curb. "Nick, why don't you and Chris jump out and get us a spot in line. Nat and I will go find parking."

Chris reached over the backseat to grab two hoodies for him and Nick. They jumped out of the car.

"Text us," Nick said before slamming the door.

The pair took off into the rain, rushing towards the end of the line.

"There should be a lot around the corner," I said.

Matt nodded and pulled away from the curb. Following my directions, he pulled into an empty spot two blocks from Barney's. Putting the car in park, he left the ignition on.

"Everything okay?" I asked hesitantly.

I could see the muscles in his jaw working. Uh oh.

"Matt?"

His adam's apple bobbed. "Do you want to talk about what happened down at the lake?"

I blinked at him. The seriousness in his tone caught me off guard. He wasn't upset, but there was a hint of - knowing? - in his voice.

"Oh, yeah - I don't know, really. I think I got overwhelmed or something." My palms started sweating again. He didn't break eye contact. I felt like I was sitting under a magnifying glass and it made me sink further into my seat.

"Can you stop looking at me like that?" I said finally.

"Like what?" He squinted.

"Like you're waiting for me to trip up or something. It's kind of making me not want to answer you."

His shoulders relaxed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was questioning you. Well, I am questioning you, but not questioning you," he rambled.

I raised a brow at him and he stopped mid sentence.

"What I mean is, I know something brought on the panic attack. You were fine right before and then, boom, next thing I know you're in Chris's lap almost completely unresponsive. So, what was it?"

I sucked my teeth. How was I supposed to explain what happened to him when I didn't even know how to explain it to myself? Was it that I was getting attached to him and his brothers? Or was it Jenny bringing up my father? It could also have been the fact that I promised myself I'd get my shit together and write this piece for Black Ink and I still had nothing to show for it.

I sighed, pressing my head back against the headrest. "Honestly, I'm not sure. Chris and I had been talking about some personal stuff, and I've had a lot going on in my head the last few days. With Chris opening up to me, I think I started to panic about feeling like I had to open up to him, too, and the combination of that mixed with everything else just - got to me." I dropped my hands on my legs, dejected.

The leather driver seat squeaked as Matt adjusted his body to face me fully. I rolled my head to the side to look at him.

"What did Chris tell you?"

"The reason you guys are up here, how you've felt a little out of sorts lately. Which, I get," I said.

He fiddled with one of the rings on his hand for a moment. It was a thick, silver band with a true north signet etched into the top.

"Does that mean something to you?" I said, gesturing to the ring.

He lifted his hand to examine the design. "This? Yeah, sort of. It's kind of cheesy," he said, and I could have sworn a blush started creeping up his neck.

"Tell me." I reached my hand out for his, pulling it towards me to inspect the ring.

He tensed. "True North is a symbol for finding your orienting point, or fixed point in a world that's always spinning. It's meant to represent being at home within yourself."

I delicately traced my index finger along the ring. A lump formed in my throat.

"I know that's kind of lame, but when you live the way we do, it's not the easiest to stay true to yourself. I guess it serves as a reminder for me," he murmured.

I peered up at him through my lashes. God, he was beautiful. The pale light from outside made it look like he was glowing at the edges.

I swallowed the emotion.

"Wow," I whispered. "I could use something like that."

I let go of his hand as he studied me. There was a thickness in the air around us. Two days ago I had no idea who these guys were, at least not who they really were, and now? There was a sickening pit forming in my stomach thinking about all of this coming to an end.

"What are you thinking about?" Matt asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing."

"Are you really about to start this friendship off by lying?"

I whipped my head towards him.

He wiggled his finger in front of my face. "You've got this whole, little "doomsday" look on your face," he quipped, a smirk playing on his lips.

I narrowed my eyes. "Truthfully?"

He nodded.

"I'm thinking about you leaving." I shrugged. "Now, who's got a whole "doomsday" look on their face?"

He shoved my shoulder lightly. "Why are you thinking about me - us, leaving?"

"Because you will," I said harshly, and his face faltered.

Matt sat up straighter. "I mean, yes, eventually, but we haven't had that conversation yet. Nick, Chris and I."

Rain had stopped falling, leaving the blacktop slick. I glanced at my phone.

"We need to go meet your brothers," I said, unbuckling.

I knew he had more to say, but I didn't want to have this kind of conversation right now. Maybe not ever. What was I hoping to get out of this, anyways? Phones existed. We could text, Facetime every once in a while. But in the end, they were a world apart from me. And they always would be.

I opened the passenger door and stepped out into the humidity. Matt didn't move from his seat.

"Are you coming?" I said, attempting to lighten my tone.

He turned off the car and met me on the passenger side. He leaned his hand against the glass, blocking me from passing. "No one tells us how to live our lives," he said, towering above me. His same musky scent filled my nose. "We have time."

My mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out. I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip. He was so close I could feel the heat radiating from his chest. My eyes flitted from his lips back to his eyes. They shone in the gray light.

Before I knew it, he pushed himself off the car and was walking in the direction of Barney's. It took me a good ten seconds to register that he'd stepped away. I whirled around to find him looking at me from over his shoulder, his slender silhouette backdropped by the hazy street.

"Are you coming?" he taunted.

This was not going to end well.

I shook my head, leaving the thought where it was and took off to catch up with him.

Author note: Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please make sure to vote & leave a comment <3