CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

"I should have hit that son of a bitch," Chris growled from the backseat. The words came out almost guttural. In the side mirror his face was split in half by a streak of sunlight, his pale blue eyes narrowed to slits.

We were almost to the Maine state line, and although I hadn't said much other than I'm okay since we'd left Harborough, Chris on the other hand hadn't so much as stopped for a breath.

Matt cast a sideways glance in my direction before cautioning his brothers with one in the rearview mirror. For a second I considered the scenario in which I'd let Chris punch my father in the face. One corner of my mouth ticked upward.

I adjusted in my seat. "It's better that you didn't," I shook my head, "the last thing we need is for that to make its way to the internet." I could see the Hollywood Reporter headline now: STURNIOLO TRIPLETS ASSAULT LAWYER ON PRIVATE PROPERTY. CLICK FOR FULL STORY.

My seat jerked back slightly as Chris pulled himself between the driver's and passenger's seats. "Yeah, because that's what I'm worried about," he scoffed, studying my profile. I wrung my hands in my lap.

"Nat's right," Nick leaned forward, too, "He would have had you arrested. You're too pretty for prison."

Matt let out a breathy exhale at Nick's remark, then rolled his eyes.

Obviously watching Chris Sturniolo get handcuffed and shoved into the back of a squad car wasn't what I wanted, but I think we all knew if the situation had gone any other way, I'd be forced to see Mark again. And right now that felt arguably worse.

Chris mumbled obscenities under his breath before flopping back against his seat.

Funny how just a couple of hours ago I was anxiously awaiting the chance to reunite with my father, and in a span of ten minutes that anxious-excitement disintegrated into anger and disappointment. The logical part of my brain had prepared for that. Always two steps ahead, working through every possible outcome, ready for the worst. Except, I miscalculated. The one emotion I hadn't prepared for was the one I'd known my whole life - emptiness.

Before today I'd found a way to live with the father-sized gap that lived inside me by patching it up with trivial means of affection. From my mother. From Jenny. Anyone who was willing to spare me some love. But now? Now, I understood what it felt like to be hollowed out with a filleting knife. Insides on display for everyone to see.

And the boys had seen it. Whether they acknowledged it or not, they'd witnessed the most embarrassing moment of my existence and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Burning spread behind my eyes.

During the first hour of our drive the boys took turns asking if I needed anything in roundabout ways. Matt asked if I was hungry. Nick offered to switch seats with me so I could lay down in the back. And Chris, well Chris tried to convince me to let Matt turn the car around so he could finish saying what he wanted to Mark. But the truth was, what I needed was something they couldn't give me: my mom.

As strange as it sounded, Daniela was the only constant in my life - even if our life itself wasn't stable. Being away from her the last six months, not speaking to the one person who could empathize with what I'd been through in my life, took more strength than I'd anticipated. I thought leaving Modesto would give me freedom - a fresh start, and in many ways it did, but it also brought me face to face with a fact I'd never thought possible. While my mother was the origin of my self-destruction, the reason I ran from everything that was good for me, I did not - could not - hate her.

Some people were never meant to be parents. She was one of them. That didn't make her a monster, did it?

My fingernails dug into the dark denim covering my thighs. Letting thoughts like that slip through the cracks wasn't good for me, not right now, not when I already felt so outside of myself. Maybe when we were back at the cabin and I could lock myself in the bathroom I'd throw myself a pity party, but for now, locking up the emotion was the only way I was going to make it through this drive in one piece.

I forced my brain to focus on the pressure building beneath my fingers instead of in the back of my throat, and squinted at flecks of dust collecting on the dash until the feeling subsided. At the very least, tomorrow we'd be heading back to Woodbury and I had the Festival to look forward to. If I concentrated on that, my brain could compartmentalize the rest.

I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my head in the space between the passenger window and seat belt, listening to the faint whipping of wind outside as we travelled. Pockets of dead trees lined either side of the open highway, some still holding onto stray auburn leaves. In another week or so piles of pine needles and barren branches would be all that's left. The world would be gray and bleak until Spring.

"I don't want this to end," I said solemnly.

Matt's face went stark white.

My brain rerouted, finding itself on the same track as him. He thought I meant us. I shot up straight as a flagpole, my seat belt locking and slamming me back against the leather. "Fall!" I clarified quickly. "I don't want fall to end. Winter is too...dreary. Sad."

His knuckles loosened around the steering wheel allowing color to come back to them.

He'd have to have lost his goddamn mind if he thought I was having that conversation with Nick and Chris in the car. He'd be lucky if I was willing to have it, period.

For someone who loved to be in control as much as I did, I understood that some situations were better left as they were. No forced clarity, no uncomfortable conversations. Matt and I were in a liminal space of wanting and being wanted, knowing and not-knowing. I could survive in this.

I think.

"It's only a few months," Matt gave a tight, half-smile, his lips thin.

I caught myself lingering on his mouth, a sense memory sending shockwaves from my toes up to my brain like a physical current of electricity pulsing through me. I seriously hoped every time I looked at or thought about him I wouldn't be viscerally reminded of the way it felt to have his fingers splayed out on my hips like piano keys or his teeth on my collarbone.

That would be really inconvenient.

My shoulders came up to my ears. "I guess. But a few months can feel like a lifetime, don't you think?"

"Some things are worth waiting for," he replied, keeping his gravelly voice level, eyes trained on the endless blacktop ahead.

Nick made an incredulous sound. "What the hell are you two going on about?"

Chris chuckled to himself. "Can't you tell? They're waxing poetic about the seasons," his voice was full of teasing and I glowered at him in the side mirror. "What? Shocked I know what that means?"

"Just amazed you've managed to use it correctly in a sentence," I grumbled.

"You love me."

"Love is a strong word."

I gasped when he leaned around the seat and planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

"Whatever you say, Nattie." The triumphant smirk smeared across his face made my cheeks flame instantly. He was so annoying.

Dramatically, I wiped the leftover moisture from my cheek with the back of my sleeve. "You're unbelievable."

Self-consciously I peered over at Matt who kept his face blank. He had to know Chris was trying to get a rise out of me.

And him.

"Don't you know, any girl would kill to have Chris kiss them," Nick fanned himself with his hand, pretending to faint into his brother.

I laughed out my nose. "So I've heard."

The amount of people who would be willing to commit crime in order to be within breathing distance of these boys was mind-boggling.

"Since he's giving them out so freely, maybe we should accept donations for them at the Festival," Nick fluttered his lashes up at Chris who nudged him off with his shoulder.

"Are we invited to that?" He asked.

"It's a town event, Chris. What do you think?" I chided over my shoulder.

He made claws with his hands and hissed like a frightened cat. "So feisty, Natalia."

I crushed the grin threatening to form on my face by tugging my lip between my teeth. It'd be nice if I could keep a straight face with him, but it was practically impossible.

"Yes, Christopher, you're invited," I made fake doe-eyes at him, and he smiled widely. "I sort of figured you guys would come anyway."

Them sticking around felt inevitable given the way things were going at the moment, but then again, not asking meant not having to hear an answer I didn't want.

"Oh we'll be there," Chris confirmed. "Nick wouldn't miss a chance to eat his weight in caramel corn."

Nick's fingers fluttered to his chest in mock-offense. "He's right. I'm a sucker for that stuff."

Relief settled in my stomach. We could live in our little bubble for a little while longer.

As long as we wanted.

Matt's face was a mixture of emotions the way it'd been last night. Dreamy, contemplative, tortured.

Indecipherable.

But he closed the gap between our elbows on the center console, a delicate, comforting smile tugging the corner of his lips upward.

I pressed my elbow harder into his.

We had time.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi all! First, thank you so much for being patient with me while waiting for this chapter. My residency was super busy, but a ton of fun and I'm happy to be home working on this book again. I have some updates for you:

1. Since TikTok's fate is up in the air (yes, I know it's "back" but I'm a bit iffy on its future), please feel free to stay connected with me on other socials. IG: peachyniks and Tumblr: sleepyybambi. I'll be putting more book related stuff on there!

2. I spoke with some publishing professionals while at my residency (!!!) and I asked about the likelihood of being traditionally published with this book due to it being on Wattpad. I was advised that posting it here wasn't going to hurt me, HOWEVER, they recommend that I do not put the entire book on here.

So what that means for us is: I will continue to update the book on here, but the closer we get to the end, the more I will have to consider whether or not to keep posting. I know that's disappointing, but I hope you can understand that I have a lot of heart and faith in this book and my dream is to have it turned into a physical book someday. Without your support I wouldn't even be able to have this conversation, so thank you endlessly. I will obvi keep you all in the loop should anything change!

Anyways, I love you all and can't wait to hear your thoughts on this chapter. xoxo N