Chapter 179

“What are you doing, Kiddo?” Jake nudges me in the side as he comes up beside me on the wooden bench, where I have been watching their kids play together from afar. Sat in the far end of their beautiful gardens under the shade of the trees.

Arrick left. I don’t know if he drove one of his family cars back to the city or hopped on a flight, but all I know is he is gone and has been for a couple of hours.

“Sitting in your garden” I clear my throat and avoid eye contact, knowing fine well what he means.

“Breaking up with the guy you want to marry and sending him packing? We both know you can’t survive without him, so I am asking again… What are you doing?” Jake slides his legs out casually and stretches beside me, occupying way too much space to ignore him and I sink back beside him with a huge sigh.

“Trying to get though whatever this is, alone for once. To stop needing other people to help fix me.” I avoid him, even though I can feel those green eyes zoned in on the side of my face. Studying me with that quick brain and picking me apart. A Carrero trait that is a little annoying at times.

“So, sending home my little brother in a complete mess, thinking he’s lost the only girl who will ever make him happy… Probably has his head in his shiny oven right now.” Jake nudges me playfully and even though I know he’s trying to get to me with humor, it cuts a little close to the bone.

Arrick probably is a mess. I know him, how much he loves me and that’s half the problem. He is suffocating me with it.

“If I didn’t make him think it was a breakup … He wouldn’t have gone. I need space right now. Arrick isn’t good at space when all his care giver cylinders are firing full throttle.”

That’s an understatement.

“So, you send him off single and broken-hearted back to the city to spend the next week with a busty PA who practically undresses in front of him at every opportunity… Smooth move.” He chuckles and shoulders me as I spin to him in a flash of fury, insane instant jealousy as my breath and heart stop simultaneously and a fire engulfs me. I catch him grinning at me and gawp in reaction.

“You’re an asshole… Why would you say that to me?” I balk, slapping him hard across the shoulder a tad aggressively. He laughs at my feeble assault and shrugs.

“Just checking you still love him.” He winks, and I glare harder.

“If she lays one fucking finger on him…” I grind out murderously, seething inwardly with a picture of that bitch in my mind’s eye. Even the thought makes me feel sick and Jake shoves me.

“He’s single, isn’t he? … You don’t have a say really.” He’s trying to get to me, because Jake can be an ass and he thinks he can play me into running home after Arrick, but it will fix nothing. All he is doing is making me feel crazy frantic and insecure about what he might do now we’re not together.

Thinking about the fact that what he says is technically true makes me feel ill to my stomach. I don’t even want to think that he could or would do something like that and the blood drains from my face like a cold wash of water.

“You don’t think…?” I catch the tears in my throat and Jake’s expression drops to one of complete seriousness. Hand coming to my shoulder as I start to cry, and I think even he realizes he pushed too far. I’m not in a frame of mind for this kind of Jake humor and it makes me sob.

“Not unless she had a makeover and a name change to one Sophie Huntsberger, then no… Arrick was lost a long time ago to the wiles of mere women when a certain blonde took a firm grip of his heart. Will he be stupid enough to go home, get drunk and try to punch his heartbreak out? Most likely… Sex with his PA? … No. He’s a hopeless romantic, committed to you and he knows if he does anything like that then he won’t ever get you back. We both know his brain is only on that purpose. The guy loves you, Sophabelle… In the way I love Emma, so I get how his head works.”

I sniff and wipe my face with my sleeve, pushing it all back down and lean back into the crook of his arm so he can hug me on the seat. Heart erupting in little splintered splices of pain and head a mess with this new worry to add to all of it. The thought of Arry ever betraying me that way is the single most devastating thought in my head.

He slides it higher around my shoulder and pulls my face against his chest in a fatherly way, kissing me on top of my hair affectionately. Jake is good at comfort, but he’s not Arrick and I miss him already.

“He told you that I’m jealous about her, didn’t he?” I swallow down my frayed emotions and Jake shrugs against me.

“He told me about you walking into probably the worst looking scenario ever and that he went into full panic mode that you might not believe it was innocent. I know that he proposed to you that night because he wanted you to know you had nothing to worry about, and that he is still infatuated with you.

Arry understands why it’s left you a little sensitive.” He kicks his feet out on the grass and sinks lower, pulling me with him so he’s comfier and I end up with a face full of Jake bicep in the process. I wriggle and squirm to get free, but he doesn’t relent until I end up pushing his arm back down out of my way.

Over the years I have learned to trust him like a second father, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me and hugs like this have become more bearable.

“You don’t think I should watch her, mistrust her?” I glance up at him sideways, still trying to get comfortable, wondering how much he actually notices with working beside them. I feel awful for asking, like I’m snooping on Arry, but this is something which has crossed my mind a few times. Jake sits thoughtfully for a few seconds and gazes at his kids across the lawn. A small hint of a smile as he watches them play. Fatherly pride that makes me desolate, knowing his brother could have had that look on his face one day.

“She’s paid to do a job. She might have a thing for my brother but as he’s not interested, and she wouldn’t jeopardize her position, then no. I think you should trust him and let it go. If he felt working with her crossed any line concerning you, he would have fired her, Sophie. Arrick’s a straight player and he doesn’t mess about. He knows what he would lose.” Jake looks and sounds completely factual. He wouldn’t lie about something like this and I know he’s right.

I do trust, Arrick, it’s that I don’t trust her and something in my gut tells me that she wasn’t so innocent in him not getting his plane back to my show a few weeks back. He maintained she couldn’t get him a flight, but I have doubts she tried until it was too late. I know I’m trying to deflect my mind to something pointless and I sigh heavily at everything. “My head is way messy. I have no clue what to think or feel lately, about anything.” Her aside. I am so emotionally tired.

“You’re both going through some major shit, kiddo. The baby… Whether you wanted it or not, has left its scar on both of you, and I think time apart might not be the best idea, but if it’s what you think you need then I’m here if you need me. Emma is here to talk, when you’re ready and even though your family have no idea what’s going on… They know something’s up, Sophs. Arrick left and you’re still here, that speaks volumes, but everyone knows you will clam up and only speak to Emma. No one will push but they are all here if you need them.”

I take a moment to consider his words and stare blankly back at the garden. Mia is throwing sand over Lucas, who seems to be encouraging it, and Ava is rolling in it, babbling in that way only toddlers can.

Kids are weird.

I didn’t stay to lean on other people, I stayed to get head space and not talk this out with other people.

Well my mom; I have yet to find the courage to go and do it. We have never had the kind of relationship where I confide in her and even though my heart is aching for her advice, I’m not there yet. I need to work up to it, find my words before I tell her anything.

Arrick makes it easy for me to talk to Jake and Emma, they usually know before I get to them about anything and everything and they always have a wider perspective because of him too. It’s easy to rock up and cry on them because he paves the way by doing all the hard talking first. I sometimes wish I was more like him, in his willingness to talk things out with people he trusts and respects. My initial reaction is to internalize and then eventually let Arrick coax it out of me. I’m not good at laying my cards on the table, I never have been.

I steady my nerves and close my eyes as I try so hard to be more like him. Open up to Jake, seeing as he seems willing to be my ear right now. I know Arry values his talks so maybe I should too.

“I didn’t even have time to really … Breathe… Or think about what I wanted. It was all intense from the get-go… The baby’s needs, Arrick wants… It wasn’t about me at all! I had no say in anything, no control, and now I want to be able to take some time to think about what I really wanted or how I even feel now it’s gone.” I look down at my fingers threading themselves together on Jake’s thigh nervously, and he squeezes me a little tighter. It’s almost like he senses that I am trying to communicate and he’s encouraging me.

“Arry tends to blinker himself when trying to take care of everything… His head was on his future kid, Sophie. It wasn’t about not caring about you or your feelings, he brushed them aside without really taking them into account, because he thought you would warm to the idea in time. He was wrong to not let you have more control in what was happening and now… I don’t think either of you know how to deal with your own grief.”

Jake’s right. We have never had to deal with anything like this, either of us. No one we loved died in our lifetimes, so we have never had to handle any sort of sadness in that way. At no time have we both needed someone to be there for them at the same time, it’s usually me leaning on him. This magnifies the foundations of our relationship and all the cracks that have been hiding. The one sidedness of it all.

“He says he’s sick of being my emotional punchbag, of putting up with my shit… He’s right. He deserves a medal for the way he deals with me sometimes. I know I’m not easy.” I sniff again, remorse eating away inside of me about how I have treated him. How often he puts up or shuts up and let’s my moods or tantrums go. He does way too much for me and what do I give back to him? Attitude, grief.

Arry should have run from me a long time ago. It aches knowing that I have been so self-absorbed and spoiled for so long that I disregard the way I sometimes push him around. I guess I never thought before of how selfish I am in this relationship and how accommodating he is.

“He’s venting. He doesn’t mean it. No one on the planet understands how you tick more than he does.

Arrick is no push over, Sophie. He deals with you the way you need, it’s natural for him. You two have always effortlessly seemed to know how to cohabit and adjust accordingly. That’s rare.” Jake squeezes me again and then loosens his hold a little, so I can sit up again, and he keeps his arm around my shoulder. I watch Mia in the sand pit showing her siblings how to turn out a little castle from a pink bucket now she has stopped throwing it around. Watching them makes my chest tighten and the tears are back in my eyes as my head comes full circle to the little life I will never see become another Carrero. It hits me so hard like a gut kick.

“Except now… Neither of us are capable of knowing or being what each other needs. We’re drifting apart.” I’m deflated and raw and he sighs too.

“All couples go through rough patches, kiddo. It’s about weathering the storm and finding a way to get through it. Deep down you do still know each other, you’re both blinded by your own pain right now.

Hold onto how you feel about him and commit to fixing things. I don’t think anyone else would ever come close to being this right for you.”

Jake’s right. I need to keep that in my mind always.

“There will never be anyone else like him. He has his flaws, he knows how to make me crazy sometimes, but he’s perfect for me. I give him such a hard time and I don’t mean to. Arrick could have chosen any other girl in the world and had an easier life than the one he has with me.” It’s a sobering thought.

“Easier maybe, but not happier. He loves you and he likes how much of a tough cookie you can be sometimes. Even when you’re making his life hell. My brother is weird as shit and you feed the freak in him.” Jake frowns at me in good humor.

“Ha ha.” I retort, unimpressed. Jake throws me his Hollywood finest grin, all white sparkly teeth, and cheeky dimples. He is still a good-looking guy for an old married dad, I suppose.

“You can’t be all that bad; he walks around grinning like a Cheshire cat most of the time when he’s with you. I’m sure he gives as good as he gets, just in a different way. Everyone likes to think they are easy to love, truth is we are all hard work in our own way. God Knows my wife needs the patience of a saint sometimes.” Jake chuckles, that softness taking over his face whenever he speaks of Emma. The boy is still as crazy about her as he has always been.

“True and when did you turn into the family shrink? Isn’t that her job?” I smile at him, well try to but I’m not feeling much like it today and he raises a cheeky brow.

“Well I am around her most of the time and I’ve planted my seed on many occasions, so I’m guessing she had to rub off at some point, mixed bodily fluids and all that.” He grins naughtily, and I cringe and slap his thigh. Recoiling from him in revolt and shove his arm off me dramatically.

“Why do you always ruin everything by being disgusting? You’re vile.” I blanche and shove him in the ribs, hands meeting solid mass which reminds me of Arrick’s equally sculpted physique. I get another pang of missing him and push it away.

“I can’t help it, I’m a Carrero, Bambino.” He prods me in the cheek, and I slap his finger away huffily.

“Arrick is not as gross as you.” I point out and cross my arms childishly as he nudges me harder.

“Yet you chose to sit here with me, while lover boy flies’ solo.” He winks again, and I eyeroll.

“You invaded my quiet time; I didn’t choose you over Arrick.” I never would. Arrick is still the person I would want to share my problems with… Just not right now. Well, a little right now. I’m having serious doubts about making him leave the Hamptons and could have asked him to stay at his moms while I stayed at mine instead.

“So, what’s your plans for the next few days… Or however long your hiding from your ex-boyfriend.”

Jake is back to being cheeky asshole, pulling me back to our conversation and I glare at him.

“Don’t call him that… He’s not! I want some chill out time to hang out. Take some beach walks, see family, and enjoy catching up. Paris was a drain on every part of me and I missed you guys.”

And some time to not be reminded of what happened for five minutes. Jake regards me intensely and I can practically see him dropping the subject and letting me be. He knows when a topic needs to be laid to rest sometimes. Although Emma would disagree, he’s like a bear with a sore head when it comes to her. A lot like Arry can be with me, so I guess it’s genetic.

“You staying for dinner? Emma is cooking for once… She banned us all from the kitchen, hence why I am on child watching duties with you.” He smacks my head lightly and sends my hair everywhere, gaining another haughty look which only makes him laugh at me.

Jake is infuriating but you can’t help but love him. Huge overbearing man child but he has a heart of solid gold. Like another Carrero I know.

“Nope. Leila wants me there for dinner with her family. I am working my way round all of you with some quality one on one time.” I sigh and get up, now I am calmer, it feels awkward to sit cuddling when there is no need, even if he is my godfather. I’m done with dragging out my misery in pep talks. I came here to see my mom and get my head clear… That’s what I intend to do.