34

Chapter Song: Mean It- Gracie Abrams

"Are you sure you don't want to come KP there's still time. You have plenty of dresses." Riley asked for the third time that night as I stood behind her twisting her hair and pinning it to her head.

"I really don't feel like going." I told her again sticking another pin in her hair. Her hair was so thick I think I used fifty bobby pins already and only half of her hair was up. Her hair wasso gorgeous and thick. Not to mention how shiny it always was.

I continued to refuse, I just didn't have it in me to pretend that much. I was already pretending enough at school. Besides I didn't feel like getting dressed up to go to a dance without the person I really wanted to go with. Especially if he was there with someone else I definitely did not want to risk it. Or see it for that matter. It would hurt too much.

"I know I just feel so bad you're here while everyone else is going," Riley sighed. I could feel the sadness in her voice which made me wince.

"I promise that no matter what I will go next year. Besides, we are juniors we have another year, and that's the one you definitely don't want to miss." I tried to sound chipper but I think she could tell I was forcing the emotions.

"I think there's going to be an after-party at my house tonight, will you come to that?" She sat up straighter looking at my reflection in the mirror.

Making eye contact with her I said, "we'll see".

It was an honest answer. After the emotionally exhausting past few weeks, I really didn't want to do anything. But I couldn't keep laying in bed every weekend. I could have worked at the studio tonight, but I did promise to help Riley get ready since I wasn't going to go anymore. I even had a dress hanging in my closet. Either I would save it for next year, or I would donate it. It wasn't a huge deal to me.

After finishing her hair I helped her get into her dress. She decided on a floor-length baby blue dress with off the shoulder sleeves. It made me think of Cinderella but not so poofy. This year's prom theme was Once Upon a Time. I told her to send me pictures to see how the student council did setting up and sticking to the theme.

She looked really beautiful. Riley always did though. She had natural beauty and everyone loved her. It wouldn't surprise me that if one day some long lost relative came along and told her she was actually a princess. Kind of like the movie Princess Diaries. I could definitely see it happening.

Liam and her went off to meet with Mason and Kylie. Liam was going with Kylie and Riley was going with Mason as just friends. Since she was already at our house they left together. It made the most sense after all.

Once they left I went upstairs to hang out with Livi and watch Disney movies with her. We made homemade pizzas and cuddled on the couch together. Our parents came home and joined us eating the leftovers.

Everyone was in love with all the pictures Riley and Liam had sent me. I had seen a few with Tyler in them, but none with Cal. Maybe they just hadn't talked to him at all. But if that were the case I didn't understand why they took pictures with Ty still.

Eventually, everyone all went off to bed. I cleaned up the kitchen doing the dishes and even mopped the floors. I couldn't sleep so I stayed upstairs watching The Office in the living room.

After about three episodes I got the text. I didn't look at my phone at first because I figured it was Riley asking if I was going to the party. Considering I was already in my sleeping sweats I wasn't going anywhere. Finally, when I looked at my phone I dropped it onto the rug as soon as I read the name.

There was no way this was real. It couldn't be. It had been almost a month of no talking, a couple stolen glances maybe. That was it. I was finally coming to terms with that's how it had to be until now. Why in the middle of the night to people decide to talk to someone?

I sat and stared at my phone on the floor not daring to pick it up. It lit up again notifying me of my unread message. There it was again, his name. I started to feel a little queasy. I forced some deep breaths before finally picking it up. After another ten minutes, I finally read it.

I miss you.

Instantly tears sprung to my eyes. I couldn't explain why either. Maybe it was because I was relieved that I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

It could have been the guilt I felt for him. I couldn't explain it. I wiped the tears away debating a way to respond. How do you even respond to something like that? When I was going to ignore it and set myphone down another text came through.

Can we talk? I need to hear your voice and I have a few things to say.

Letting out a deep breath I typed a response.

No thank you.

Within an instant, he responded. I didn't even have the chance to lock my phone.

Meet me outside please

I sat there contemplating. I did want to know what he had to say, I felt I deserved an explanation after all. But how would I know if he was being honest? What if he just spoon-fed me everything I wanted to hear?

Honestly, I didn't know what was worse the hurt or the anger maybe the embarrassment. All of it really. I sat up and walked to grab a hoodie out of my closet downstairs. All I could hear was the soft footsteps padding down the stairs with Steve Carell in the background.

Without looking I had grabbed one of Cal's that I stole from him. I dropped it as if it had burned to the touch. I reached for another one this time grabbing an old swim hoodie. It was better than his.

It might have been a little awkward if I wore his to talk to him. I debated on whether or not to bring it to him. Instead, I left it crumpled on the floor. I put my slides on and carefully made my way upstairs and slipped out the door.

Outside I saw him standing there in joggers and a hoodie my heart stopped instantly. All of the emotions I was holding in this past month came flooding back hitting me like a truck. I closed my eyes letting out a low breath before making another step.

I couldn't do this. I tried to turn back inside but my body wouldn't listen. Instead it pushed my legs forward taking painful heavy steps inching me closer to him. I tried to not look at him biting back tears unable to turn away.

I forced my eyes to meet his my breath catching in my chest. Silently I thanked Liam one more time for punching him in the face. You couldn't see the mark anymore but I knew it still happened. His eyes were rimmed a cherry red and looked a little glossy.

I stood five feet away from him keeping a respectable distance. I didn't think I could go any further unless I wanted to lose it in his arms. I had to be strong. I had to pretend. I owed it to myself.

I forced myself to watch as his eyes glossed over my body wanting to say something. More than anything I wanted to reach out for him, to hug him, to feel his familiar warm embrace. But before I could I shoved my hands in my front pocket with a shiver.

"Hi," he whispered finally.

"Hi." I whispered back.

"Parker I-" he paused unsure of what to say or how to go about it.

"Please just say what you need to say." I clenched my jaw squeezing my eyes shut.

"It was never a dare to me."

"What the fuck do you mean it was never a dare!" I shouted throwing my hands into the air. "You're telling me Tyler didn't dare you to date me but magically decided that he's going to create this huge lie so when I ask you about it you'd agree. I didn't even have to ask you, I saw it in your eyes!" I huffed.

The nerve of this guy.

He winced shutting his eyes. "Just let me say what I have to say please," he pleaded quietly.

After a moment I finally agreed, "I'm listening." I sighed.

"Okay," he took a deep breath. "I always thought you were cute. Something happened and I couldn't stop myself thinking about you. It killed me knowing that I started to have these feelings for you but you were my best friend's sister. Not to mention you were one of my best friends too. I knew nothing it could come from it but I wanted to at least try. I was planning on asking you to hang out, but Tyler came up with the dare to do it after he found out I asked you to hang out at Riley's party. That's what we were arguing about that night.

"I kept trying to tell myself it was supposed to be a dare but my feelings kept getting in the way. I was going to tell you about it but the deeper in I got the harder it was for me. I never wanted to hurt you, Parker. That was never my intention. I just used the dare as more of an excuse to get closer to you, but none of it was fake. All real feelings all me."

"But you still never told me." I whispered biting my lip. I had to force my gaze to the sky before the tears could form. I knew they were coming, I just didn't want them to.

"Believe me I wanted to."

"Truth or Lie," I whispered.

"What?"

"Truth or Lie," I pressed him. "Why should I believe you?" I whispered harshly. He looked at me as if he wanted to say something but I continued before he had the chance.

"You wanna know the worst part of all of this? I can't hate you for what you did. I want more than anything to be pissed off at you or hate you but I can't. I'm mad at myself for letting you in and sharing everything with you and having feelings for you. I'm just trying to understand why?" His mouth opened but no words came out.

"And I get it. I'm all for being a winner in Dare, but that can't be an excuse to go around hurting people. I get it you win. It's what you do. But to sit there and use me," I choked back a sob. "It's disgusting and I hated that you did that." I wiped away tears pausing to catch my breath when Cal interrupted.

"No I never meant to hurt you." he began to choke on his words trying to reach for me but I pulled away.

"Then you wouldn't have done this. That's the truth Cal." I whispered more tears falling, "maybe that's all we're good for, hurting each other."

He walked closer to me and placed his palms gently on each cheek whispering, "no no no that's not what we are good for." He gently wiped my tears away ignoring his own.

Maybe we really weren't meant to be, or maybe we were supposed to hurt each other. I think it would have been better if we would have never known, and he could have just been my hot next-door neighbor that was forever in the friendzone. Everything would have been so much easier if feeling didn't exist. This might be the universe's sick joke of a lesson, that sometimes people are only in your life to teach you pain.

It was in that moment I suddenly understood why Icarus laughed when he fell. He knew not to go to close to the sun. He was warned, but he never listened. Who could blame him? Who wouldn't want to get to something so bright that made you feel so warm, and happy, and noticed? He laughed because he shouldn't have but did it anyway. I finally started to understand.

"You want to know something really shitty?" I whispered not being able to look him in the eye. I crossed my arms as a shiver went down my spine. I was unsure if it was the cool air or my sudden realization.

"What?"

"I still miss you. Even after everything, I miss you."

He pulled me in closer and I could feel the heat off his body. It was comforting being in his arms again even if I knew it was wrong. I should be in bed asleep, but this was better as sick as it was.

"I miss you too," he whispered inching closer to me.

"Cal." I sniffled inching closer to him.

Our eyes met and in a quick second, our lips crashed into each other. The danced away the pain and hurt. All that stayed was longing for one another. I pulled away even though my body yearned for more. It didn't want me to stop, but I had to listen to my brain this time.

"You never even said sorry." I sobbed into his chest.

That was when he lost it. He crashed into me with uncontrollable sobs and mumbling countless apologies wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. I stood there like a statue trying to block it out.

I let the tears continue to fall this time I didn't bother wiping them away. I couldn't stand seeing him this hurt, but I had to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong.

"Kennedy please forgive me," he begged countless apologies in my hair.

My heart began to ache again. For me. For Callum. For the girl whose mom left her. For my dad raising to kids without any help until Tish. For the girl who gave up the water. For the girl I used to be.

My heart hurt for everything.

I looked at him truly for the first time since we've been out in my yard.I pulled away from his arms to really look at him, to notice him in ways I always had. His hair was an unruly mess under his hood and of course his face littered with tears. He looked exhausted mentally and physically.

Tired.

We both were.

I wanted to forgive him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me it was all a lie or a joke. But it wasn't. I wanted to pretend this never happened and live happily ever after finishing high school with the most amazing boy and friends. But then it wouldn't be real. It would all be a lie.

"I can't".