April

Chapter Song: Anthem Pt 2- Blink 182

My alarm went off although I already was awake staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Today was the big day. Pretty much the most important meet of this year at least for me. It wasn't our high school state swim meet, that had long passed. It was our club team that I have been swimming for since I got in the water.

Over the past few months since the club team started back in January it pretty much consumed all of my time. On the rare occasion that I had spare time, I spent it with Cal. We usually worked on homework at the Corner Cafe, sometimes inviting the rest of the gang. Mainly we tried to keep it just towards us, but usually, we were interrupted. If we weren't at the cafe he would stop by to play video games with Liam, while I sat and read next to them telling them how much they sucked.

Before that snowstorm, in February we would try to keep our time separate from everyone. After that night when things went farther for both of us, and we just stopped caring. As long as we were together was what actually mattered. We did try to keep our respectful distance when everyone was together. So far it was working out.

A scout from Berkeley was coming today specifically for me. My coach and our principal Mr. Hannover had been in contact with Berkeley since my state times were announced.

I think they were also going to watch Tyler too. He mentioned something about it at practice last week. Although I was pretty sure he was more interested in Stanford than Berkeley. Given the opportunity, I think he would still accept Berkeley. I wouldn't mind kicking his ass if he went to Stanford and I was at Berkeley though.

Smiling at the idea I hurried and threw on my suit as well as a hoodie and sweats. I slipped into my slides, grab my bag, and head upstairs. I quickly grabbed a banana and made a cup of coffee to go and headed out the door.

No matter how hot it was I would always wear a hoodie. This morning was cooler now that Spring was forming. I decided to roll my windows down and blast my music while I drove to school. Luckily our pool was hosting the regional meet today for the club teams. The home territory was always different. The water was in our favor this time around.

Even though it was an indoor pool, I imagined this is what the water that the Titanic sank in felt like. Cold. Not as cold as freezing water, I was being dramatic. The heat was definitely turned off for this meet.

I cleared my mind of everything, and just let my body do its thing. It glided with the water. I loved the way my body reacted to the water, it was natural. I had been doing it for years committing every movement to muscle memory.

I closed my eyes for a moment and let the bubbles escape my nose and mouth. I tilted my head for one last breath and go into my flip turn, this time I got my count perfect. Thank god. I finished my last lap and hopped out of the pool, ripping off my cap and goggles letting my hair fall loose past my shoulders. I wiped away any remaining droplets of water when I see him.

He was in the bleachers blending in with the crowd but I'd know his face from the countless google searches of him. Andy Sigler, Assistant Coach of the girls swim team at Berkeley and also the scout. Next to him was a woman and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was wearing the exact same Berkeley polo as Andy, but it was as if I was looking at a reflection.

No no no no no no no.

This couldn't be happening.

It isn't possible.

I wiped my eyes with my towel one more time as if the image would disappear but it didn't. There she was sitting next to Andy Siglar laughing having a good time.

What in the actual fuck?

This had to be some sort of sick joke. What the fuck was she doing here? Wasn't she into gymnastics? What was she doing at a swim meet? My swim meet. In damn Virginia.

This can't be real, it just can't. Breathe Ken.

I leaned against the nearest wall trying to breathe. I felt so nauseous all of a sudden. I didn't even know this woman anymore, why should it matter? But the fact of the matter was that it did still matter. I knew who she was to me at one point in my life. It wasn't my choice she left us, it was hers. Here I was still fucked up and bitter over it. 

The worst part about it was that my two worlds collided together so effortlessly in front of me and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Berkeley was my future and she was my part of my past. I didn't want that future if she had any part of it.

I got up off the wall to find my team, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I realized that I had been holding my breath to try to stop the nauseating feeling. I looked around to find somewhere to escape again, but the wet bodies constantly bumped into me. I couldn't see where our team was.

Where they in the locker rooms? Were they still warming up? Where the hell were they?

Breathe Ken.

I wish Cal were here. Or my dad. Or Liam. Or Riley. Any of them would make this situation better. They couldn't come today. I guess it worked out for the better since she was here. That would have been a show to see.

I felt the air and the bodies are closing in on me. I slowly sunk to the ground to try to escape but nothing happened. I couldn't see anything except for a mix of colors passing by. It was all a blur. I still couldn't catch my breath. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I felt like someone put a weight on my chest and I couldn't lift it.

Breathe just breathe.

But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

"Kenny!" Someone yelled shaking me.

I didn't register who it was, but I just sat there like a statue barely hearing their voice against the fuzzy noise that started to fill my ears. I was jerked upright but my legs didn't seem to want to work.

Since my jello legs were out of commission I was semi dragged away from the crowd. I was placed into a chair where the air felt less thick, but the noise still buzzed, and the world was cloudy. I wasn't there. I didn't know where I was.

"Ken!" Tyler yelled at me aggressively shaking my shoulders.

"What!" I snapped at him suddenly back to reality. I tried to shake away the buzzing but it was still there, faint.

Oh my God. What just happened? Tyler of all people had to find me. Great. He would never let this whole thing go.

"What the hell just happened back there?" He sounded concerned as he eyed me warily.

"Uh nothing." I looked away stretching my shoulder trying to pretend nothing ever happened.

"It didn't look like anything," he said firmly.

I couldn't tell Tyler what I saw. No. What I thought I saw. He wouldn't believe me. Nobody would. Also, why the hell would I tell Tyler? Like he'd even care. It had to be a mistake. I just imagined it. It was a self-conscious vision that projected her to be here caused by stress. That was it, that is what happened.

"Just nervous." I mumbled avoiding his eyes.

"I've seen you nervous and this isn't it KP, but if you don't want to tell me then okay." He began to back off shaking his head.

I looked around and noticed that none of our team was back yet. Was I really going to tell him?

"I saw my mom," I groaned into my hands. "At least I think I did." My voice was barely audible.

"Wait what?" He was confused. "I thought Tish was working today?"

"No not Tish. My real mom. You know the oven." I groaned embarrassed that I told him. He was still just looking at me confused. "You know what forget I even said anything Ty I'm fine," I quickly waved him off. I tried to turn away but her grabbed my arm.

All of our friends knew about our mom leaving. A while back Liam admitted to looking her up, and how she worked as Berkeley's gymnastics coach for the girl's team. Maybe that was the reason why I thought I saw her. It was also the reason why I stopped being interested in Berkeley so much. The moment I found that out I wanted to go to any other college but there. I was only doing this for my coach.

"You mean she just magically appeared?" He stared at me stunned. He hadno idea what was going on. This was pointless.

"She's up there Anderson in the stands wearing a Berkeley polo next to Andy Sigler. I saw her!" I pushed it again shoving his head in their direction.

"Why do you think it's her?" He really didn't believe me. I knew it was a stupid choice.

"I'd know that face anywhere it's not like I haven't seen pictures of her." I started to raise my trembling voice. "Also I look like her," I scoffed shaking my head.

"Whoa hey calm down I'm not saying you didn't." He paused grabbing my hands tenderly.

I pointed her out in the crowd again pointing my finger this time. I didn't want to actually look over there again. His jaw practically hit the wet concrete when he saw her face. I leaned over and closed his mouth for him.

"Shit," he muttered. "You do look like her," he was even quieter now.

I didn't say anything, I only nodded.

He finally got what I meant. It was weird. He didn't know what to say to me, and I didn't think I knew what I wanted to hear at this point. I just wanted to get today over with so we could go to the carnival tonight.

Tonight was Spring Fling. Every year for Spring Fling we would have a carnival. Since it was so close to Prom there was no point in having another dance. This way every class got to participate. I secretly loved the carnival. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, especially now. I couldn't wait to get out of here.

I quickly finished drying off and put my sweats back on. I wrapped my hair back up into a twisted bun and decided it was time to find our coach. The meet was supposed to start soon, and I knew he wanted to talk to Tyler and I. He was supposed to walk with me to meet Andy before the meet started.

"You ready?" Coach patted my shoulder smiling at me like a proud dad.

"Yeah," I let out a low breath acting my part as if my freak out and conversation with Tyler never happened.

Did I really want this? No.

But somehow I still went through the motions. I walked with my coach towards the edge of the stands watching the two strangers walk down towards us. I shook Andy's hand with a forced smile.

It felt almost foreign to move the muscles the way they did. We smiled through the introductions. I laughed at the cues and nodded when I needed to. I didn't even feel like I was there in the conversation. Almost as if I watched myself have this conversation from the outside.

I looked like a robot. I felt like a robot. More than anything I wanted to throw up. Or run for the parking lot. Either option was a lot better than what was happening now. Not once did I look at her, or even peek a glance.

"If you are interested in Berkeley Kennedy, we do have a summer camp, and I think we'd be really lucky to invite you," he beamed at me.

"Thank you sir." I smiled.

Bullshit.

He just wanted money. Or to have my name on the roster. It was a form of bragging rights to having certain swimmers at the camps.

"I heard you're close to breaking another title."

"Let's hope," I  lied.

I really didn't care whether or not I broke another title. As long as I didn't get swallowed by the water I won.

"How's the shoulder doing I've heard you've had some problems with it?" He asked

"I've seen better days but I don't think I should get a metal one, it might make things difficult," I joked. He laughed.

Success.

I looked over at my coach and he gave an approving nod. The woman said nothing but I'm sure she watched as I faked the charm I've perfected over the years. I fed him more bullshit charm and he seemed to enjoy the conversation.

"Well, Kennedy I think you have great potential for Berkeley and we'd be lucky to have you. Well see how you perform today, and there's a possible invitation to tryout for you next season." He smiled shaking my hand once more.

"I look forward to hearing from you sir thank you," I said politely.

The two coaches had a quick conversation. The woman turned towards my coach asking for a word with me alone. He nodded in approval because anyone being scouted from Berkeley was an honor. Only if he knew who she really was.

I didn't get how he didn't see the resemblance, but I don't think he would care if he did. It was a college scout for goodness sake. I should be happy! I should have been giggling like a little school girl. The way Cal made me feel. Only I wasn't I was screaming at the top of my lungs begging anyone to hear me. Only they never did.

Oh god no don't leave me alone with her.

I couldn't stand to look at her. I think that if I were to look into her eyes I would throw up. Maybe I should. I squeezed my eyes shut hoping that if I blink she'd disappear. It didn't work.

"You're grown-up," she said

I nodded staring past her still not meeting her gaze. I felt like a deer in headlights, completely trapped. Only I wished a car would hit me.

"Look I just wanted to come to see how you turned out. When I heard you were being scouted I thought-" she paused. "I just thou-"

"Fuck you." I snarled before turning around on my heel to walk back to my team.

She shouted "wait" grabbing my shoulder spinning me back, "five minutes that's all I ask".

I shouldn't have even given her one minute. Even a second was too long.

______________

"So if you or Liam ever want to come to California I would love for you to stay with me." She sat and waited for my answer as I peeled my orange.

"Why?" I scoffed, "why now?" I took a bite of my orange before I could say anything else.

"Well," she paused obviously contemplating the right words. "I would like to get to know the two of you more. Also, I would love for you to meet your two younger brothers." She added and my eyes widened.

I had to pretend to cough when really I choked on my orange.

This was already uncomfortable enough and now I had more siblings? Where does she get off trying to guilt me into saying yes? 'Of course, I'll come visit mom I've missed you'. Bullshit. All of this was.

I took another bite of my orange waiting for her to say more. I had nothing to say, so I just kept eating. Peeling kept my hands busy and eating kept my mouth shut.

"I want to be a part of your lives again Kennedy." She sounded sincere and that was the worst part.

"No." I finally said meeting her in the eyes.

"No?" She was shocked, what a joke.

"That's right no." I slammed my hands down on the table. "You don't get to sit here and try to guilt me and Liam, mind you, he isn't here, to try to come to spend time with you. You left not the other way around."

"You can't talk to me like that I am your mother!"

"I wasn't finished!" I screamed hot tears began to well in my eyes. "You left us not the other way around. You can't sit and decide when you want to be a parent when it is convenient for you".

We sat there in silence except for my dying sniffles unsure of what to say when finally I asked, "why did you leave?" It was barely audible so I was even surprised she responded.

"I didn't want to be a parent."

That's it.

She finally said the words I had been waiting to hear since the day she left. The worst part was how much it hurt when I thought I was over it. I guess that's the thing. You don't get to choose your parents or to be born, but it happens anyway.

If you're lucky, I mean really lucky you'll have amazing parents, and I was lucky. I had my dad and Tish. It was more than some would ever have. Part of me still ached for a life I would never have. I guess that was the big what-if moment I had been waiting for.

What if she came back?

She finally did, and I wanted nothing to do with her.

"Yeah well, we didn't ask for you to be either." I whispered getting up to leave, and this time she didn't stop me.