Chapter 36

As Carter walked up the stairs, he could hear the water of the shower running from the bathroom. He had just gotten back from going to the convenience store to buy some painkillers for Josh. The hospital couldn't prescribe them anything since the only painkillers he'd need were innocent ones you could buy anywhere without a prescription needed.

His parents were out for dinner as well. This was one of the rare days when his father had two days off so him and Carter's mother wanted to celebrate that by going out for a dinner date. It was nice to see his parents together again. Usually it was just Carter and his mother, and she also had a job that required a lot of her time and attention.

He walked into the guest room and saw Josh's clothes, messily folded, on top of the desk.

He recognized the sweater which Josh had borrowed him a few months ago, during the rainstorm. His hand reached out and his fingertips ran over the fabric, remembering that day clearly. It hadn't been that long before he got together with Josh, yet so many things happened in between, now that he thought about it.

Carter heard the door opening and he turned around to see Josh, wearing nothing but grey sweatpants. His hair was wet and messy, and his arm was still inside the sling.

"Hey," Carter said. "Did everything go well with showering?"

"It did," Josh said as he walked back to the bed. It was hard for Carter to not appreciate the sight of the blond being shirtless, and still slightly wet on his skin. He had always thought that Josh was handsome, but only since he had moved back from Minnesota he began to realize how beautiful the other really was. As creepy as it probably would sound, he thought he could just look at Josh for hours on end.

Josh glanced inside the plastic bag that contained the medicine Carter had bought at the convenience store before giving a groan."I really hate taking medicine," he said. "I don't like swallowing pills."

"You'll just have to live with that," Carter said. "Unless you'd rather be in pain."

Josh gave a sigh and pushed his wet hair back. "I guess you're right," he said.

Carter bit on the inside of his cheek. He'd rather have Josh to not be in pain at all

"Can I ask you something?" he asked. "Has this happened before? And with this, I mean; have you ended up in the hospital before, with something broken?"

Josh turned back to Carter and he inhaled deeply before answering. "...Once," he responded. "Not as bad as this time, though. I hadn't broken anything, but when my father was drunk, a few years ago, he had thrown a beer bottle at my head. I had to go to the hospital with a concussion and the wound had to be stitched. It had been a bald spot at the back of my head for a good six months. I'm just glad that most of the hair in that area grew back again after the wound was healed."

Hearing this made Carter only more concerned. If this had happened before, it would happen again as well. And maybe next time, it could be fatal.

"Josh," Carter said. "This needs to stop. It's not right what your father is doing. He's been doing all these horrible things to you for so long and it needs to stop. Now. Before it's too late."

Josh looked away and even though Carter couldn't see his face, he could tell that he did not want to talk about this. But he had to.

"Look at yourself, Josh. Look at the state you're in. How long have you been like this? Bruised, scarred, miserable, scared, frustrated. How long are you going to let this continue?"

"Carter..." Josh said, his voice tense.

"No! Why are you letting yourself suffer? Why are you letting yourself go through all this pain? Why?!" Carter said.

"There's no use, alright? You won't understand," Josh spoke angrily.

"Then make me understand! You're right, I won't understand. Not unless you explain it to me!" Carter's eyebrows were furrowed in frustration. "Explain it to me. I'm nearly begging you, explain it to me!"

"No...! You wouldn't understand, and I... I don't know!" Josh sat down on the sofa bed and covered his face with the hand that wasn't in the sling. "Even if I would explain it to you, it wouldn't make any sense to you! I just... nobody will ever understand it! Only my father understands!"

"Understand what? Why you keep on letting him do as he pleases to you? Why you keep on letting him beat you up?"

"I just..." Josh was already in tears, Carter could tell despite the fact that he was trying to hide his face with his hand. "I just don't want to be alone! I don't want to be left alone!"

Carter frowned a bit, walking closer to him and also sitting at the edge of the bed. "What do you mean, left alone? You won't be alone, Josh."

"Yes I will!" Josh removed the hand from his face and looked up at Carter. "I have no-one left if my father leaves! My mother left me years ago, my father's family doesn't want to have anything to do with us, and the only relative I have that still sometimes calls is my senile grandmother. If my father loses custody over me, I won't be able to go anywhere! I'll be all alone...!"

"Josh, that's not true!" Carter said, moving closer to him. "You'll have me! You'll have Alyssa, Chris, Paxton, Melanie, all of your friends. You're always welcome in this house and I'll be here for you."

Josh shook his head, roughly wiping away the tears even though they kept coming. "No... You'll probably leave me again someday. Everyone does! Just like my father told me. He always told me that in the end, everyone will leave you. The only person who won't ever leave me is God, he said. And when I get to Heaven, I'll finally be with my mother again. But... I won't be going to Heaven. I'm fucking gay! I won't see my mother ever again, and there's nothing I can do about it!" Josh hid his face in his hand again.

Carter wasn't sure what to respond for a moment. He had no idea that Josh had been struggling with thoughts like these, for most likely a very long time now.

"He said... that he'll go to Heaven and be with my mother again, and that they'll wait for me together... that we'd be happy again. That day when I came home after New Year's Eve, he told me that I had ruined everything. That now our dream of being together with my mother would never come true." Josh paused for a moment and inhaled a trembling breath. Tears were dripping from his cheeks onto his sweatpants, creating small darker grey dots on the fabric. "Maybe he's right. Maybe I ruined everything. How can I go to Heaven when there's this part of me that is one big sin? How will I ever see my mother again? How... how can I make people stay with me like this?!"

Carter grabbed Josh's hand and removed it from his face. "Josh, look at me," he said. Blue eyes, whites gone red due the tears, met with Carter's and he held his hand between his own. "Is Heaven really a place you want to go to if it rejects people solely based on their sexual orientation? Is that really what religion is supposed to teach us? That you're worthy of heaven only when you're attracted to people of the opposite sex? That heterosexuality instantly makes you a good person, and makes you end up in Heaven? That homosexuality makes you a bad person, no matter what all your other traits are, no matter all the good things you have done in your life, and that you're therefore not worthy?" Carter spoke, looking at the other. "I don't know about you, but I'd never want to go to a place like that."

Josh looked at him, his sobbing lessened but tears were still dripping down his face. Carter laced his fingers with Josh's, almost feeling the urge to cry himself. His father had not only abused him physically, but mentally as well. It made him sick to his stomach, thinking about the fact that Josh had to shoulder it all.

"Being gay is a part of who I am. If I need to abandon my homosexuality to go to heaven, I wouldn't be me. I don't want to go to Heaven if that means that I'd have to lose a part of myself. A place that judges people's worthiness based on their sexuality doesn't sound like a good place to me. That's not what I'd imagine a heaven to be like. Tell me, would you really want to be in a place like that?"

Josh let out a quiet sob, his teeth digging into his lower lip, and he slowly shook his head. "No," he said softly. "No, it's not."

Carter placed the hand which was still laced with Josh's onto his lap. "Exactly. And regarding me leaving you... I don't know what will happen to us in the future. I don't know if we'll stay together forever or if we'll part someday. You can't ever know that. But for me, that doesn't matter. I'm here for you, right here, right now. And I love you so, so much."

Josh finally looked a bit happier upon hearing those words. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I love you too, Carter. I'm so sorry. I really am. I love you."

"Don't be sorry," Carter said. "You don't have to be sorry for anything."

Josh lifted his eyelids, looking back at the brunet in front of him. He let go of Carter's hand and moved his own to his neck, his thumb stroking over the side of Carter's face.

Carter pressed against the hand and placed his own over it.

Josh leaned in and pressed his mouth against Carter's, kissing him softly. Carter kissed him back and held Josh's face between his palms. His face was still wet due his tears, but at least he had stopped crying.

He moved from the mattress to get closer to the other. Josh crawled back a bit until his back was pressed against the backrest of the couch. Carter went to sit on his lap and he wrapped his arms around Josh's neck, keeping their mouths connected.

He could feel Josh's steady heartbeat through his shirt, just like the very first time they had kissed since he had moved back. As he deepened the kiss, he let his hands slide down the smooth skin of his torso and he could feel his abdominal muscles reacting at his touch. The feeling of Josh kissing him back so passionately, full of emotion and love had his entire body heating up in the most amazing way.

Josh's free arm slipped underneath Carter's shirt and stroke over his back, pressing him closer against his chest as well.

Carter briefly broke the kiss to quickly pull his shirt off, and once it was, he was quick to catch Josh's lips again. Feeling his warm skin against his own only added up to the heat rushing through Carter's body. He didn't care that there weren't any condoms. He wanted to feel Josh's heat surround him and drown in his scent. Just like the very first time, and just like the very last time.

Carter wanted to make Josh feel loved, adored and needed again. He didn't think there were enough words in the dictionary that could describe how much he loved him, so he'd let his actions do the talking.

He was sure that somehow, his feelings would reach deeply into Josh's heart, and that he would be able to fill up all the emptiness all the pain he had gone through had left behind.