68: Grace

Why do we fear the night sky when we have the stars and the moon? Why do we allow darkness to hold our attention and overlook light? Why do we care more for what we don't have rather than what we do have?

Perhaps its beacuse, when we close our eyes we only ever see a blank nothingness and when we wake we try our very best to make up for what we lack. But is that all there is to life, constantly seeking for something to compensate the void within us? And at what point can we sit back and say, "this is all I'll ever need."

Perhaps that is why life is so brutal. Because everyone's fighting to find and keep the things that fill their darkness. Then does that make life any less worth living?

I'd disagree. Because once we recognize our infinite hunger then can we seek our infinite sustenance. Though it may bring little, but even little is something and once we appreciate even the tiniest things life becomes every bit worth it. I'd like to think that's what my real parents thought. That I was worth it. That however small I was, I could bring a little bit more light to the world.

Uta certainly lived such a life. A life worth living. Appreciating every bit she had been given, even the broken and jagged things. Even the murk and mud. Even a child whom she knew the world would hate. Even me.

One life lost. One given. Isn't that just how the world works? It just isn't big enough for all of us. Death is natural. We only fear the unfamiliarity of it. That was what she told me. But she forgot to mention that death hurts like a punch to the gut.

The pain threatened to cripple me. But I didn't dare cry lest I fall apart. I couldn't allow myself to not when I had been entrusted with someone as precious as the moon itself. So I stood and I left, holding her gingerly in my arms. She didn't cry and she didn't fuss. So new to the world and yet so calm.

We were greeted by a herd. They knew the moment they laid eyes on Tsiho and I. They rushed past us, tears streaming down their cheeks, a wail on their lips. An elderly woman arrived last, coming up to greet us. She caressed Tsiho's cheek with a wrinkly finger and gazed at the newborn.

"What were her last words?"

I didn't realize the old woman was speaking to me until a moment later. "She asked me to remind Tsiho every day of how precious she is." Only then did I recognize the weight of Uta's last words.

The old woman stepped back and stared up at me, her brows creased. "Do you realize what that means?"

I shied away from her gaze. "I know I didn't deserve to be the last person she spoke to. If she'd known who I was she wouldn't have said so."

"She knew," the woman said, "we all knew." My heart crumbled under the impact of her words. "The child's father has been taken as well. We can only hope he lives. We will respect Uta's last wishes but if you don't trust you are capable, we can always take her in."

"She trusted me," I faltered. After every thing I had done and she still thought I was worth it. I promised not to cry. But this newfound knowledge crushed me.

Yet another shrill wail rang through the air and kept me from crumbling. For her wail signaled the end to another life.

I watched as Cyr, Nareem and Dolce strode into the community hall.

"Let me take the child. You go bid your last goodbyes."

Although I was reluctant to let her go, I eventually handed Tsiho to the old woman and found my way to the community hall. With each step I wondered who I'd bid goodbye to next.

It's a strange thing to wonder who among your friends have died. Relief flushes through you to know some have survived but heartache is promised regardless.

Everyone was crowding around her bed. Rightly so, there wasn't anyone she didn't share her smile with. The children huddled around her, holding each other as they wept. Then the warriors and even the hunters and then Cyr.

Her skin paled and her bright eyes faded. But through the anguish and ache she smiled and reached for Cyr. The crowd parted and he stepped through.

"Cyr," she murmured.

"Rapio." There was no denying the pain in his voice. Cyr took her hand.

"Thank you." Every word took a toll on her. "And forgive me."

"What for?"

She averted her gaze. Tears filled her eyes. "I couldn't tell you, you would've stayed and you all would've died. You trust me, don't you?"

"You put your trust in me when no one else was willing, how could I not?"

A tear streaked past her cheek and she smiled once again. "Was my spark bright enough?"

"You're a great big blaze, my dear."

Her eyes fell close. And all was silent.

"Starry nights," sang a little boy, "and butterflies..." His voice cracked as a sob left him.

Gone were the cheery smiles and carefree laughter. Through the tears the children sang for her one last time:

"Starry nights and butterflies

All the happy things in life

Cozy hugs and a loved ones laugh

Let them dwell ever in our hearts

Tumble and fall

Yet we stand tall

Let us go on and on and on..."

~~~

Tsiho was fast asleep on my bed. I sat beside her. My eyes were fixed on her, but my mind was quiet on purpose knowing if I began to think I'd contemplate every little detail. I would wonder who the attackers were. And what everyone thought of us. And if Hoku was alive and if he knew Uta wasn't and that his child was born. I wondered if things would be different if Rapio had told us. If this knowledge plagued her every waking moment. If she saw far and beyond today into a future without Cyr that made her choose this future instead.

A knock at the door jolted me back to awareness. I had fallen deep in thought despite how hard I tried not to.

Brise was standing behind my door, dressed only in a thin white dress. Hair undone and hanging to her knees. Dark circles rimmed her eyes but she tried her very best to hold a smile. "Will you help me do my hair, Mo?"

That was first time she called my name. My gaze lowered to the brush in her hand when I saw it. Her other hand had been severed at the wrist and bandaged.

Pain glistened in her dark eyes. I didn't say another word. I took the brush out of her hand and did her hair.

Her smile fell away when she found her reflection in the mirror. Big black eyes bore back at her. Pale white skin glistened with sweat. Lilac lips like the dead.

"What will you do now?" I didn't catch her words until a moment later. I had asked every question except that. But like every other question I didn't have an answer.

"I don't know. What about you?"

"I am a traitor to his majesty. I must atone for my sins."

My hands froze. "What?"

"But I also owe my life to Xon and his people. This is punishment for my deceit as well."

My blood ran cold. "What are you thinking?"

"I deserve to be put to death."

The brush slipped from my grasp. I picked up Tsiho, grabbed Brise by the arm and hauled her out the door.

"What are doing?" She cried, but she didn't resist.

All sound ceased when we entered the community hall. I dropped to my knees and dragged Brise down with me.

"Forgive us!" I beseeched.

Hands seized me by the arms. "Mo, what are you doing?!" I raised my head to find anxiety and anguish swirling in Philip's eyes.

"I won't let any of you die." I refused to move. Tsiho awoke in my arms, crying. "An apology will never undo what has happened. I'm ashamed and I'm guilty. I've deceived so many. I deserve to be punished. But, a life for a life will bring about no change."

A storm brewed behind his eyes. His hands slipped away and he came to kneel at my side.

"Forgive us," Philip begged.

The wood scraped our knees and our heads hung limply till our necks ached. But even then we didn't dare stand. I murmured sweet things to Tsiho and cradled her till she returned to slumber. Tsiho wasn't and would never be my punishment but would only ever be a gift of grace.

"Raise your heads children." Tobias stood before us. But where wrath should have been was only a sympathetic regard. "The lives of your two friends, Lucius and Rowan, are hanging by threads because they chose to fight alongside us against their fellow soldiers. And you Brise, lost more than three fingers defending us. If there's anything you deserve it's a thank you."

Tobias' gaze fell on Philip and I and then on Tsiho. "Mo and Philip, is it?"

I nodded.

"I'd like to believe you'd do the same if you were in your friends' position."

"Saying so won't do much," I said. "Please allow me, allow us to prove it."

"Very well. I trust you and so does Cyr. And if Cyr trusts you then he must see something great in you." He cracked a smile. "Please get off your knees. Anyone who'd lay down their lives for another is no enemy but a dear friend."

A/n: I told y'all I'd yeet people...hehe don't hate me. Anyways, the next chapter will be more light-hearted, because I know the recent chapters have been dark and gloomy. Also idk if I mentioned this but, Tsiho actually means Moon. Peace out and I hope you liked this chapter.