Chapter 39

Lauren

To say time flew like an arrow these past few days will be an understatement.

It's been a week since Ethan and I ate in the restaurant.

I still remember the way it was the longest conversation we had in the past few days and it was also the first time we had eaten out since our argument.

I can't believe it's been almost three weeks since I talked to Ethan properly. Since I joked with him, I laughed with him, I annoyed him.

I missed doing these things with him. I missed how he listens intently to my every word as if I'm giving him clues in a treasure hunt.

The way his dimples show up whenever I do something clumsy and try masking it up.

To be honest, I missed him.

I missed him crazily.

I know I dragged our fight a bit more than needed. but I had my own set of doubts which needed some clarity before moving further in this journey.

Ethan is a good man but that didn't stop him from calling me names whenever I made him upset or angry. The way he threw me out in the balcony in the cold on our wedding night just because he hated me still ran in small part of my brain.

Although we got along well later on, he still made me feel like shit sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough to be his wife or how little my opinions matters. He made me feel like an outsider sometimes on purpose and sometimes unknowingly.

We had our fair share of arguments and good memories. But blame my insecure heart because fights and reasons for fights weighed more than good memories. My insecurity that I'll never be enough no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I always disappoint them. I'll only let them down and embarrass them.

My mom made sure to plant the seed in my mind thoroughly that I can never be the perfect daughter for her. She always compared me to her friend's children who were perfect in everything and I wasn't perfect like them. Not then and not now.

And I know deep down that its just an insecurity that I need to heal from, but it was still hard because I had to try harder than usual to think that I am enough.

I just need to rebuild myself stronger and thicker and not let other's words crumble my walls down.

But whenever Ethan casually threw my insecurities at my face even thought he didn't know still made me feel like a ten year old who waited patiently just so her mother can recognize her efforts and praise her.

But the ten year old me was always disappointed because my mother never appreciated me. Never allowed me to think that I am enough.

I am trying to rebuild my personality and Ethan crumbles my walls by making me feel like I'm not enough and calling me names. I rebuild my walls all the time and he breaks it down whenever he's angry.

And I was afraid this will continue and become a circle of rebuilding and breaking. Of healing and hurting. It made me halt in my step and take a decision for my own sanity. For my own healing.

If someone had said that Ethan would set his pride aside and do anything for me in the beginning of our marriage, I would have looked at them as if they are crazy.

But Ethan is different.

He never cease to amaze me.

Just when I thought that I know him well enough, he surprises me by his actions.

He has already apologized to me and I know that its finally time I need to acknowledge his efforts.

Ethan did everything for my forgiveness, I would never expect him to do.

He tolerated my attitude.

He accepted me even when I showed him my pride.

He respected my decision to maintain his distance with me when I asked to stay away from me.

He put efforts to get on my good side all the while giving me space to think.

He made me feel like he will go to any length just for me. for my forgiveness. which was rare for me. Because nobody has ever did that to me.

Alice, my best friend, has always been there for me but even she never did what my deepest part of my soul craved.

Ethan made me feel important. Made me feel like I'm more than enough.

How did Ethan got the power to hurt me but also heal me?

I don't know.

I would never know.

But if the distance between us, these past few days has taught me anything, then its my feelings.

The distance between us didn't change my feelings for him. If anything, my feelings has  intensified at the way he understood me and respected me.

The distance didn't make him any less handsome in my eyes. It gave me an overview of what I want from him. In fact the better saying would be, I want him.

***

"I'm glad you finally made time for me." Austin's voice sounded beside me and I turned my head to see him.

The sky is just getting dark and we are in his car going to the dog daycare.

I haven't seen Ethan since afternoon and it made my mood sour. Talking or no talking but seeing him is very important for me.

These past few weeks has been exhausting and the push and pull tension between Ethan and me heightened after the realization of my thoughts lately.

So to release some stress, what better way than spending some quality time with people you love or in my case four legged angels named dogs.

"What can I say, some people are busy, unlike you." I shrugged my shoulders with a small smile.

He feigned a hurt expression pushing his silky long hair back with his fingers.

How is his hair better than mine all the time?

"Careful Ryan Reynolds, I will drop you in the middle of nowhere and wouldn't think another second speeding away in my car." he threatened playfully and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Oh. I'm so scared Blake Lively." I spoke anxiously for a moment with fake panic in my voice.

"Ladies and gentleman, and the Oscar goes to..." he trailed off shaking his head with a scoff.

"Does that mean I can give my 'thankyou' speech now?" I asked him with a smile.

"Please, no." he deadpanned and I chuckled at the terror on his face.

He stared at me a moment longer staring at my laughing face with a soft smile before looking ahead to drive.

Austin and I became quite good friends in the past week.

We used to meet occasionally during break hours in office lobby or cafeteria during lunch hours.

Austin is the most easy going person I've ever met. In simple terms, he was easy to talk to. He is always sarcastic so I can say his humor rubbed on me whenever I'm with him.

He is handsome for sure with his silky long hair and broad shoulders. He looks good but for some reason Ethan is more handsome in my eyes. I didn't understand the logic behind my blindness but I would say in a heartbeat that Ethan looks handsome than any other man in the world.

We got out of the car, entering the place and not a moment later, Layla, his dog, jumped on Austin before licking him all over his face. Austin lifted her in his arms and Layla is still bouncing in his arms.

I smiled at their interaction and soon Layla turned towards me sniffing me for a moment before bouncing on me and tackling me to the ground to lick my face. My heart melted at her love.

I sat on the floor scratching her furry head and not caring at the way the fur is attaching to my black pants. Black pants can wait.

Nothing is more important now.

***

I had spent next few hours or more with Layla and other dogs, playing with them. Austin did the same.

In daycares, for safety reasons, not anyone could come and play with dogs in a daycare just because they love dogs. As I've volunteered here part time before, I'm an exception. Cami, the daycare handler, and I go way back. I've known her for so long now and she is one of my good friends. So spending time with her and the dogs will always makes me happy.

But I don't know why Cami lets Austin stay here more than any pet owner can. But you doesn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to know that Cami is attracted to Austin. She made sure to let him know that he caught her eye, the first time he met her in the last week. Cami dropped various hints to get a date from him but all her plans went in vain when he ignored the hints plainly.

But Cami is one to never back out from a challenge. From the years I've known her If Cami wants something she will get it no matter what. For now, I will just have to wait and see how Cami will win Austin over.

"Why do you love dogs?" Austin asked sitting beside me on the bench.

"Because they are dogs." I shrugged my shoulders not giving him any proper answer.

He rolled his eyes at me before turning straight.

"Because they give me what I need." I answered a minute later when he became silent.

"And what is that?" he asked me.

"Unconditional love." I smiled at him and a hint of understanding passes through his eyes.

"Nice..." he trailed off.

I nodded at him before opening my mouth again.

"And you?"

He took a deep breath staring ahead before answering my question.

"I feel lonely. I need someone who will make me feel less lonely And Layla does the job perfectly." I nodded at him.

Okay...

I felt bad for Austin. In fact, I even feel bad for myself.

"Isn't it crazy how we search for the missing piece in our heart in others. In things. In pets. And surprisingly they fit the missing piece perfectly just like they are made to fill us complete."

Few years back, I was at the lowest part of my life when I felt unwanted and unloved because of many reasons like my mother's disappointment in me, my extremely introverted nature and all.  I still remember how a stray dog sat beside me that day on the side of the road where I was sitting. It didn't do anything but it still comforted me in an unspeakable way. A warm sensation filled my heart at the action. And since then I loved dogs even more than before.

"Due to this we connect an emotional bond to animals, to materialistic things and what not." I spoke again.

A short chuckle escaped my lips at my own words.

Does that even make sense?

I turn to look at Austin and he is already looking at me with surprise and another emotion swirled in his eyes.

Admiration Maybe?

I don't think so.

***

After Austin and Layla left in his car, I made my way towards the road to hail any cab to go home.

Although Austin insisted to drop me home, I declined his offer. My home is not the same direction as his.

It's not like this is my first time coming here alone. I always returned home by a taxi or some other public transport.

The wind howled heavily whipping my hair and playing with them harshly. I looked at the sky and it looked like it might or might not rain.

I remember that there was five percent rain check this morning. I thought it was just five percent?

Ten minutes passed and still no sight of a single taxi.

Its very unusual to not see a single taxi at this hour in this road. The road is always busy with cars and cabs. Maybe because of rain or some other reasons, there is not a single car in sight right now.

I looked at my watch to see it is half past nine and searched my bag for my phone to book an Uber. I groaned loudly when I saw the battery percentage bar in red. No no. Not now.

I'm one of those people whose battery percentage has never exceeded thirty. I am content using that thirty percent and then recharging it when it ended.

I should have checked my phone battery before leaving and now it looked like it could switch off any time. And just like that, my phone battery died and displayed my horrified face on the black screen.

What the—

I was about to curse my fate when rain poured down all of sudden adding to my ill fate.

Can't I just be sad for a moment in peace.

I quickly looked around for any shelter but it was middle of the road and nothing existed except for road and the long thick tress on either side of the road.

I dropped the thought of going back to Cami's daycare when I glanced at the time on my watch. She must have already left.

What am I going to do now...

***

I'm soaking wet at this point and my brown shirt and black pants clung to my body like second skin.

A shiver passed through my body when the rain continued pouring heavily and I could see nothing except the empty road and darkness around the road.

I've decided to wait till the rain has eased a bit and then I will see what I can. Maybe I will go to the nearest subway or try calling Ethan or Tom using someone's phone.

For some reason, all the horror movies I've watched since childhood replayed in my mind.

I swept my eyes around the place thinking of ways to protect myself if any monster jumped on me out of nowhere.

Get a grip, Lauren. Didn't you watch enough movies to know that monsters, ghosts or whatever will only come out after 12. so I still have one hour left or so.

Or worse what if I run into some kidnapper or a killer? Surprisingly, ghosts sound better than them.

I sighed at my pathetic thoughts right now.

I looked around and when I saw a tiny iron shelter at the side of the road, I ran and stood under the shelter. A short relief passed through my body. The rain continued pouring heavily and my heartbeat thudded violently inside me when I saw the empty road and the darkness around me.

I stayed silent hearing nothing except the sounds of rain pouring down and harsh breaths.

Its okay, Lauren. don't think about ghosts or wha—

A sound came from behind me and I stopped breathing for a second.

I tried ignoring it as flicker of my imagination but the sound came again dropping my heart to my stomach.

It sounded like a stomp on wet ground.

Although the rain dominated heavily, I still heard the tiny sound.

My heartbeat quickened and my hands felt numb at the sides of my body.

I contemplated running but my legs felt heavy to even move them. All the blood rushing to my head made me slowly lose the sounds around me and I had to blink my blurry eyes and take deep breathes to not lose conscious.

Mustering up the little courage I had, I turned around and concentrated where the sound is coming from and zeroed my eyes towards the sound.

I looked straight and the green plant bushes covering the darkness stared at me back.

I held my breath and looked closely at the darkness behind the bushes. The time passed in second but felt like hours.

One...

Two...

Three—

I was about to continue staring waiting for the darkness to jump and consume me. When a loud screeching hiss came and something jumped out of the darkness.

Big golden eyes stared at me and I blinked when I heard another sound coming out of it.

"Meow."

I blinked at the creature staring back at me.

A cat.

It was a black cat.

The drenched cat looked at me for a moment before running to the opposite side of the road.

I exhaled slumping my shoulders.

I almost died with an heart attack.

Why am I getting so worked up for nothing.

It was just a cat but it nearly gave me an heart attack.

The rain poured heavily against the iron shelter but I could still listen to my erratic heartbeats and harsh breaths. I shivered at the cold I felt because of my completely wet soaked clothes but also with something else. After nearly getting an heart attack just because of a cat, fear clung to my body.

I didn't know if it has been a few minutes or hours, but the thought of dying here alone in this rain scared me. No one would even know if I die here.

What if I die here and I could never see my family, friends again.

What if I'd never see Ethan?

I didn't even tell him about my feelings.

Will he even know about my feelings if I die here?

No no. that can't happen.

I really need to do something for my overthinking.

I was deep in my thoughts and when I observed from my peripheral, a light was coming towards my direction.

Not one light, but two.

I blinked my eyes in surprise and relief when I realised that the lights are in fact headlights of a car.

Finally!

My previous thoughts faded away and hope settled in my stomach.

The car was coming towards my direction in full speed.

And before I could even raise my hand to request a ride, the car halted in front of me with a screeching brakes sound and the bright headlights in the dark blinded me.

The car door opened and the headlights of the car didn't allow me to see the face of the silhouette properly for a moment.

But it took only a moment to recognize that the silhouette is in fact a very familiar person.

Ethan.

My worry and anxiety instantly faded when the familiar face stood in front of me. Relief settled in my stomach staring at the most handsome face I've ever known.

Only that handsome face is very furious right now but his eyes are filled with worry.

The rain poured on him drenching his white shirt and black trousers.

His hair looked dishevelled, his shirt's first two buttons were unbuttoned and his tie hung loosely around his collar.

He took large strides towards me and not a moment later I was engulfed in his arms.

He nuzzled my neck inhaling me and slowly his stiff back muscles relaxed around me. I looped my arms around his torso closing my eyes at the calmness his body provided me.

Everything is fine. Ethan is here now. I chanted the lines in my mind.

We stayed for a good minute in the same position in the middle of the road not caring about the rain that poured upon us.

Ethan shifted back to glance at me properly but his strong arms still held my waist tightly keeping my body flushed against his.

My neck craned up to look at his face but I couldn't hold eye contact for longer when I saw his clenched jaw and furious eyes.

I made him mad again. Didn't I?

Of course he is mad. I could say he has been worried sick about me, looking at his disheveled clothes and hair.

Ethan didn't know about my visit here because I didn't see him today at all because of his outdoor meetings. The meetings were private so I wasn't required to tag along with him.

And moreover, I thought I would be home before him but the sudden rain and my unfriendly phone spoiled my day.

I shifted my eyes not looking at him and waiting for the burst of his anger. His inevitable questions which would constantly mock about how big of a fool I am.

Questions like-

Seriously, Lauren?

Did you take a special course on how to make the dumbest decisions?

Do you not have enough sense to check your phone before leaving?

How dumb of you to not take a car with you if you wanted to leave somewhere?

Do you even think before doing something?

I waited for the questions to come. When Ethan is mad, he only sees red.

He took a deep breathe and I was ready to take the blow but his next question surprised me.

"Why are you doing this to me, Lauren?"

He asked me looping his fingers around my chin and making me face him.

I thought about hundred questions he would ask me right now, but that question wasn't one.

Whenever Ethan is mad, you will only encounter bullets, not flowers. Only insults, not surprises.

But not today.

His words were filled with concern, his tone was soft and his eyes held the warmth which I desperately needed in the cold rain right now.

His tone wasn't sharp, it felt like a soft caress.

Before I could answer his question, he opened his mouth again.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"How afraid I was when I reached home and you weren't there and not to mention your phone was out of range."

"I searched the roads like a madman in the rain when I got to know that you didn't take any car with you. I was worried you might not find any cab because of the heavy rain. I had to call everyone you know to see if they knew anything about you. And at last, Cami said that you were at daycare before."

"I'm sorry. I was—"

"I can't take this anymore, Lauren." he interrupted me looking at my eyes and my heartbeat stopped for a moment.

His ocean blue eyes held lot of emotions just like the vast ocean.

Anger, pain, angst, longing...love?

A frown stretched on my face when I processed what he said.

I cant take this anymore, Lauren.

"What do you mean?" The words slipped out of my mouth unconsciously.

What does he mean by that?

Did he finally had enough of my outburst?

Does he hate me now?

Does he want to leave me or worse divorce me?

No. It can't happen.

I can fight with him all day and all night but I don't think I can live without him.

My throat burned with the urge to cry at my thoughts and the rain eased a bit than before.

But his next words brought me out of my pity party breathing life back into me.

"I don't think I can take this silence anymore, Lauren. These past three weeks has been extreme agony for me. The fact that you are beside me but still very distant ate me from inside."

"What—" I tried voicing my confusion but he beat me.

"Don't interrupt me, Lauren. I'm already stressed enough."

I didn't know how to respond so I stayed silent till he continued further.

"I can't express in words how badly I missed you."

"I missed your addictive brown eyes gawking at me everyday while we have breakfast."

"I missed you laughing at random things which no one on earth will find funny."

"I missed holding your soft hand in mine."

"I missed listening to you go on about everything."

"I missed cooking late night dinners for you."

"I missed watching your comfort shows along with you for the hundredth time while sharing popcorn."

"I missed spending time with you."

"And I missed—." he took a deep breath for a moment. "— I missed myself when I'm with you, Lauren. I am happy when I'm with you."

My eyebrows shot up at his words and I'm pretty sure shock is plastered all over my face.

"I didn't even know that I cherished these little things until I missed doing them with you."

His jaw was clenched like he is holding himself back and the pain in his voice gave away his inner turmoil.

"You bring stability to my life even though you are chaos yourself. Your presence alone calms my inner turmoil, Lauren. I can fight anything for you. You give me the courage to fight. I can fight against my pride, my dignity, my anger, anything... just to be with you."

My heartbeat raced like anything and thumped against my chest loudly. My eyes turned blurry because of the rain but also because of the emotional storm brewing inside me.

"I know I am not perfect. I have my own issues, my own demons which sometimes drifts you apart from me. But, I promise one thing, Lauren. I promise I will try everything in my power and out of my power to become perfect match for you. To become a better person for you."

My breath stuck in my throat at his raw confession and the way his voice broke in the end like he is overwhelmed by his own feelings.

Wh-what are you trying to say, Eth—"

"I love you, Lauren."

I love you, Lauren.

I love you, Lauren.

His words filled my ears like a melody I've been dying to listen.

Three words...

One sentence...

But it felt like tons of weight was lifted off my heart.

The words I've been dying to listen. The same words I've been wanting to say to him. And now that the unspoken feelings between us finally were out, it felt surreal. It felt like a dream. It felt unreal.

His words were still running inside my mind and he watched me to grasp any reaction out of my face but I only gulped taking deep breaths.

We were in the same position as we've before with his arms around my waist and my hands on his chest.

When I didn't say anything, disappointment and pain made its way to his eyes. But above all, his gorgeous face was etched with sadness.

"You don't have to say anything to me, Lauren. I just wanted you to know how I felt about you. How important you are to me. I can't keep my love for you hidden—"

I interrupted him by standing on my toes and crashing my lips to his.

He went stiff for a moment but soon reciprocated my kiss by looping one of his hand around my neck and another rested on my waist.

He angled my face to deepen the kiss and I submitted to him willingly.

To let him kiss me.

To let him know my feelings.

To let him devour my soul.

His soft lips sucked mine as if he craved for them since forever. I closed my eyes when his tongue urged me to open my mouth so he can play with mine.

The rain drops splattered on my cheeks but I didn't care. I couldn't care about anything else except for the man standing in front of me and kissing the life out of me.

The kiss was passionate yet caressed my soul tenderly. Every time his tongue brushed against mine, it sent tingles from my head to my toes setting fire in my belly.

My hands travelled from his chest to loop around his neck to get comfortable enough to brush my hands against his wet hair.

The kiss went on till we both are out of breath and had to part away to take the much needed oxygen and I took the chance to pour my heart to him.

"I love you too, Ethan."

His eyes widened at my words but softened later with surprise.

"What?" he asked me like he wasn't hearing wrong and make sure of what he heard.

I took a deep breathe before opening my mouth again.

"I love spending moments with you. I know it's hard to believe that after our fights and arguments." I chuckled at my own words but he just gave me a soft smile. "I might fight with you all day and all night but just know it's true when I say I can't live without you. You are my very own personalized oxygen, Ethan."

I brought my palm to his face caressing his soft cheek and looking at the beautiful blue eyes I have grown fond of.

"So trust me Ethan, when I say I love you like hell, I mean it."

We continued looking at each other not surprised by the love confession but rather at the timing of the confession. Because the feelings were always meant to be labelled someday. They were meant to be spoken out.  Who would've thought that it would be today.

A smile made its way on my face looking at his huge grin. He has the most child like grin right now.

"You sealed your fate by saying that, Lauren. You are mine forever now."

That was the only warning I got before his lips crashed against mine.

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