5 | paranoia

billie's pov -

do i feel bad for what i said? idk. i was just saying how i felt. but i didn't mean to say all of that tbh. i know i hurt her and for that, i feel terrible.

it's like i just unraveled right there in front of her.

i walked to the front of the house and got in my car that i have out here and backed out of the driveway.

i know leilani. i know where she went.

after a couple minutes, i pulled up to the beach.

the one where her and i met.

i parked my car right next to hers and got out. i started walking down the sand, looking for her. and i could see her laying in a chair under one of those big umbrellas.

she was just watching the water, like i was.

i bet she's talking to kaia, just like i was.

i walked up to the tiki bar and sat down, letting out a sigh.

"hey billie," riley smiled as she came up to me.

"hey rhy," i grinned.

"leilei's down there," she pointed.

"i know," i nodded. "im gonna go sit with her. but first let me get two sunrise sunset smoothies."

"still know her favorites huh?" rhy smirked as she went to go make them.

"she's my wife," i shrugged. "how could i not?"

riley gave me the smoothies and i started digging in my pockets for my wallet.

"billie," she gave me a rbf.

"what?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"when was the last time i charged you for something here?" she squinted. "go."

i smiled at her, took the drinks and walked down the beach front.

where lani was, there were two reclined chairs under an umbrella with a mini table in between. so i walked up from behind and set the two drinks on the table before sitting in the chair next to her.

she looked at the drinks in confusion and then up at me. she just sighed and looked straight ahead again.

"we don't have to say anything right now," i started. "we can continue to people watch. but whenever you're ready, i am too."

lani looked at me just nodded before laying her head back on the chair and closing her eyes.. and i did the same.

-

after an hour of chilling in silence on the beach, lani and i came back home in our separate cars. as we walked in, margie looked relieved.

"oh my god," she said. "y'all could at least text me back so i know you're okay after a situation like that."

"yes ma'am," we both said.

"okay well i'm gonna go," marg said. "i love you assholes," she said before walking out.

"so," i started. "um."

"why didn't you ever tell me?" lani cut me off.

"huh?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"you never told me that you felt that way," she said. "clearly you feel like i've done nothing for you."

"that's not what i said lani-"

"that's how it came off though billie," she sighed. "you literally helped me live again. all of that pressure was on you."

"but a lot of those times you couldn't control," i shrugged, reasoning with her.

"but still," she said. "it's clear that that has taken a toll on you. and i see that now. and i'm sorry."

:(

"what do you have to be sorry for leilani rose?" i shook my head.

"i feel like i've neglected you and- and your feelings and needs."

"that's not true," i assured her. "i did what anyone who loves their girl would do. how it affected me is not your fault."

"but i didn't check on you-"

"you didn't know you needed to lani," i cut her off. "i felt like i needed to be strong for you so i didn't let you see the stress in me."

"stop saying that as if you're at fault here," she told me. "nothing is your fault billie eilish."

"yours either lani."

she began tearing up. "i'm so sorry."

"please don't cry baby," i said.

"no because you shouldn't have had to carry it all like that," she cried.

i went up and hugged her, and we squeezed each other tightly. we broke the hug and i wiped her tears.

lani looked me in my eyes. "you don't ever have to pretend billie. not with me, not ever."

"i know," i nodded, tearing up.

she sniffed. "you understand me?"

"yeah," tears streamed down my face. "i understand."

she grinned, wiped my tears, and kissed my lips.

"but um im sorry," i said. "for spilling out on you like that. no matter what, you didn't deserve to be approached like that. i was just really upset."

she just nodded.

"i know i hurt you," i looked down.

she shook her head. "at least you got it all out," she said. "seems like you've been wanting to tell me that for awhile."

"no no i never wanted to tell you that leilei," i started. "i didn't mean to make it seem like i wanted all my credits or anything. my emotions just got the best of me and i unraveled."

"i understand," she nodded. "and i know you're upset but i guess my thing was that this job opportunity rarely comes around," she said. "yet you go on tour like every 2 years. i could always come on the next one."

"but i just really wanted you on this one," i explained to her. "i guess i just kinda wanted to take some load off of you since you're fresh out of recovery."

"what do you mean?" lei squinted.

"well i knew you were gonna be worried about my safety and everything while i'm gone and i didn't want you being worried about me and your own health," i shrugged. "it'd be a lot."

"mhm," she nodded. but then she squinted and tilted her head. "billie.. wait hold up."

my face kinda dropped. "what?"

"this isn't really about tour, is it?"

"what- what do you mean?" i asked.

"this," she said. "this whole thing. that whole argument we had earlier. none of that was really about you wanting me on tour with you, was it?"

"i- i don't understand-"

"oh my god," lani said as she realized. "you didn't do all that cause you want me on tour with you. you did all that out of fear!"

i stayed silent.

"fear that i'd get sick again and you'd lose me while you were away," she continued. "that's what it is, isn't it?"

"oh sure," i rolled my eyes. "suddenly you're not so oblivious."

her mouth kinda dropped. "so i'm right?" she rose her eyebrows. "damn it billie why couldn't you just say that?"

"well excuse me for not wanting to say 'hey i really don't wanna let you out of my sight so i make sure you don't shrivel up and die!'"

"oh my god billie im not going to die!" she exclaimed. "im okay!"

"you don't know what could happen though!" i exclaimed back.

she squinted and took a step back. "so you really think im not okay? you think that one day i'm gonna pass out into another coma?"

"i don't mean to think that way," i shook my head. "i just can't help it after all that happened last year."

"baby," she rubbed my arms. "i think you may have ptsd."

"huh?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"i mean think about it," she started. "all that you witnessed happen to me, almost losing me. your traumatized so much that you can't help but be paranoid it'll happen again."

i just looked down in thought.

"of course don't let me diagnose you," she continued. "i'm just saying give it some thought."

"yeah you may be right," i nodded.

she just nodded too.

"well fuck me," i groaned. "so now i'm gonna be gone on tour, worrying about you everyday because of that shit."

"how about you get a therapist, b?" she rose her eyebrows.

"oh," i looked up in thought. "i- i guess you're right. i could get one."

"yeah and you could do virtual sessions while away," lani said. "whatever would help."

i just sighed. "o- okay."

-

"a therapist?" zoe exclaimed over the phone. "you helped saved her life and now she's telling you to go get a therapist?!"

"zoe!" i exclaimed in a laugh. "she's genuinely trying to help."

"maybe if she wanted to help, she'd accompany you on the damn tour like she was supposed to!"

"zoe honey," i said with a chuckle.

"sorry i'm just still kinda mad that she's ditching the tour," she said.

"i know but it'll all be fine," i shrugged. "but honestly, do you wanna take her spot and come on tour with me?"

"oh my god yeah!" she exclaimed. "i'd love to go on tour with you again. that shit was so much fun."

"yay!" i smiled. "i'll tell the team."

-

"im sorry billie," mom said to me. "i know how excited you were to have her on tour with you."

"it's okay," i shrugged. "being an angel is something she's wanted to do for forever. it's literally the reason she became a model to begin with."

"sure you're okay?" fin asked me.

"yeah," i sighed. "i was more worried for her health more than anything. as long as i know she's okay then i'll be fine."

"and she could always come on the next one," he shrugged.

"yeah," i nodded. "yeah she could."