12 | lo and behold

"who is this about?" i asked billie as she stood in the doorway in her bath towel.

she squinted. "why are you even-" then she paused for a second and sighed. she didn't even have the energy to fuss. "which page? what does it say?" she rubbed her temple as she walked to me.

i just handed her the book and she glared at me while she grabbed it. she read what was written down and sighed again.

"it's about you," she mumbled.

"huh?" i rose my eyebrows.

"you. it's about you!" she slightly exclaimed as she tossed the book at me. "keep reading and dissect the whole thing why don't you," she said with an attitude as she walked into her walk- in closet and shut the door.

i sighed deeply.

about 5 minutes later, she walked out of the closet dressed in an oversized tshirt. she walked over to the bed and looked at the tv, noticing that boss baby was playing.

she then tilted her head at me, making me chuckle.

"well," i shrugged. "you said no despicable me."

billie sighed and shook her head, cracking a smile at my childishness as she sat on the bed, crossing her legs.

"i'm sorry," i looked down. "i shouldn't have looked through your personal things. you have every right to be mad."

she just shrugged. "don't apologize. you knew you were wrong when you picked that shit up off the ground," she chuckled.

i cracked a grin, happy that we're not sitting here lashing out at each other. somehow, addressing a situation with laughter.

she sighed. "go ahead and ask me questions. i know that's not the only thing you saw if you were looking in there the whole time i was in the bathroom."

"um," i now got nervous. "so this is about me for real?" i pointed to that specific page.

"yeah," billie nodded.

"lemme hear it," i handed her the book.

"huh?" she furrowed her eyebrows.

"sing it for me," i said. "i wanna hear it."

"um," she paused. "okay," she started to get up from the bed.

"where you going?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"to the piano," she said. "cmon," she held out her hand for me to grab so i could follow her.

we walked to another room where her piano was and we both sat at it. she sighed before beginning.

"I must give the impression

That I have the answers for everything

You were so disappointed

To see me unravel so easily

It's only change, it's only everything I know

It's only change, and I'm only changing."

i looked at her, having my lip slightly poked out. "you wrote that after we had that big argument back in hawaii huh?"

she just nodded. "i knew you were disappointed to see me spill out on you like that. it's just that we had been with each other every day for years, i just wasn't ready for that to change."

"oh baby," i caressed her cheek with me thumb.

"yeah but i don't plan on releasing this," she shook her head. "it was just a quick diary moment that i needed."

"well i like it," i told her. "you have the most angelic voice."

"thanks baby," billie kissed my nose, making me blush. "okay," she cleared her throat. "what else did you see, while we're sitting here?"

"um that's it," i shook my head.

"you're lying."

"what do you mean?" i looked at her.

"i know you saw something else," she squinted. "you must be scared to address it."

i didn't say anything.

"cmon lani we're here now," billie shrugged. "i'll sing and explain whatever you want."

"fine," i sighed. "i saw one about... people dying."

her eyes got a tad wide. "oh."

"it's fine um you don't have to explain-"

"no no no i can," she started. "uh only if you want me to."

"yeah," i hesitated, looking away. "sure."

"okay," she breathed nervously. she took her book and flipped through some pages. "was it this?" she showed me the page.

i scanned it with my eyes and nodded yes.

"okay," she nodded. "so i actually did finish this song. but i don't know if i'll ever release it," she said before clearing her throat and prepping her fingers on the piano.

"Everybody dies, surprise, surprise

We tell each other lies, sometimes, we try

To make it feel like we might be right

We might not be alone

Be alone," she sang.

...

"I don't wanna cry, some days I do

But not about you

It's just a lot to think about the world I'm used to

The one I can't get back

At least not for a while

I sure have a knack for seeing life more like a child

It's not my fault, it's not so wrong to wonder why

Everybody dies

And when will I?

You oughta know

That even when it's time

You might not wanna go

But it's okay to cry

And it's alright to fold

But you are not alone

You are not unknown."

a tear fell from my eye.

"that's how you felt?" my voice cracked as i looked at her.

billie shrugged. "yeah. i wrote it when your supposed time they gave you to live started winding down."

"no wonder you were always in that book," i chuckled as i wiped my tear.

"i didn't wanna put my feelings all on you so i wrote em down," she nodded as she sniffed. "i was so depressed."

"i know," i nodded. "i could see it your eyes everyday."

she just nodded.

i paused. "wait," i said as i grabbed her book and read over the lyrics again. "oh my god."

"what?" she looked at me.

"you said that to me," i pointed at her last verse. "i remember!"

quick flashback -

okay so basically, years ago, when it started getting close to the time when the doctors said i was going to pass away, we were all sad of course.

one day i was really scared at the thought of dying that i just laid in bed and i cried all day. and billie held me in her arms and cried with me.

once we kinda calmed down, billie still held me and kissed my forehead. she rubbed my arms and said "when it's time, you might not wanna go but it's okay to cry and it's alright to fold. but please know that you are not alone and you are not unknown."

okay flashback over -

i looked at billie with my eyes watery than ever. "that was from the song."

"i didn't want you to know that i had written the song," she started. "but i needed you to hear that specific message so i just said it."

"oh b," i cracked a smile. "that's so sweet."

we hugged as tears dropped from our eyes. we got up from the piano and walked back to her bedroom, hand in hand.

-

i opened my eyes from my slumber and turned to the red rooted girl sitting up in bed, attempting to whisper on the phone.

when she noticed me and the groggy look on my face, she chuckled.

"well marg i think we woke her," billie said into the phone.

"that's margarita?" i rasped as i rubbed my eyes.

"yeah," b said. "she tried calling you but it went straight to voicemail."

"oh fuck," i sat up. "my phone died last night and i meant to grab my charger but i grabbed your book instead," i laughed.

"figures," she chuckled. "is this it down here?" she pointed to my charger on the floor on her side of the bed.

"yeah," i passed her my phone.

she grabbed my phone and plugged it up. then she handed me her phone so i could talk to margie.

"what do you want margaret?" i asked as i got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom.

"why would you post on instagram that you're in LA when you literally had to sneak away from new york?" she fussed.

"oh fuck," i mumbled as i sat on the toilet.

"lani i thought you had grew out of your dumb ways," she continued to say.

"girl fuck you," i said. "i'll take it down."

"it's too late now," marg said. "sasha has already seen it and is in contact with me."

"she's not kicking me out is she?" i rose my eyebrows.

"no she actually wants you to do some campaign work while you're out here."

"oh of course i take a vacay from something and it turns into a work trip," i shook my head as i washed my hands.

"it's not even bad," margie chuckled. "you just need to appear at an event. sasha said she'd let me know if there's anything else you need to do."

"okay fine that's cool," i shrugged.

"there's only one thing that you should be prepared for," she added.

"oh god," i groaned. "what?"

"i did research on the event and what it's for and who will all be there and-"

"lani!" billie exclaimed, sounding rather unhappy.

"huh?" i furrowed my eyebrows as i ran back in the room. "what's wrong?"

she held my phone up. "the fuck is this?"

i was hella confused. i walked up closer and grabbed the phone, seeing in big bold letters, a notification that said jacob had venmoed me $3000. and for the reason it read 'the extra is a thanks for everything.'

my eyes lit up and my mouth slightly dropped.

"am i fucking missing something?" billie exclaimed. "like deadass please tell me which chapter i forgot to read of the leilani's chaotic life series."

"no no no b okay wait," i quickly said. "please listen please."

then the phone hung up, i forgot margie was on there that quick. i'm sure she wants no part of this, and i don't blame her.

"um okay-"

"are you seeing him again?" billie rose her eyebrows as she raised her voice.

"no of course not!" i exclaimed.

"oh so he's just your fucking sugar daddy now?"

"billie no!" i sighed. "okay a couple months ago he had accidentally hit my mailbox with his truck and this is him paying me for the damage," i explained.

she squinted. "he hit your mailbox?"

"yes," i nodded. "i swear."

"like he was just cruising through the neighborhood and hit your mailbox?" she nodded in a sarcastic manner as if it was all good. "right."

i sighed. i know exactly where this is going.

"you're such a fucking liar," she shook her head.

"how?!" i exclaimed.

"because you live in the middle of nowhere leilani!" she yelled. "anyone who comes in that direction is intentionally headed for your home."

i stayed quiet, because she was right.

but billie read the look on my face and started to believe that i was telling the truth.

"fine. if he really hit your mailbox, why was he over there in the first place?" she put her hands on her hips.

i began rubbing my temple. "he um- he was trying to get back together with me. he was drunk."

"drunk?" she rose her eyebrows. "after 5 years of being broken up with you, he gets drunk and shows up at your house randomly?"

i groaned. "yes! i saw him the day you left and we got into it. i threw my drink at him, threatened him with a knife and told him off."

"later that night he felt bad and pulled up to my shit at 2 in the morning," i continued to explain. "he hit my mailbox and showed up my door sloppy drunk, begging me to give him a chance but of course i declined."

"so then what is he saying thanks for?" she asked now calmer, but looking at me with her rbf.

i couldn't bring myself to say it.

"lani," she said, kind of assuming what happened because she knows how nice i am.

i just shook my head no.

"you let him stay there, didn't you?"

"b-"

"he spent the night at your house?" she started. "the same day that i left?" she finished in a hurt tone.

"he was drunk!" i exclaimed, trying not to cry. "he slept on the couch while i was in my room. he was gone before i even woke up. i swear i didn't want him there!"

"then you should've told his ass no!"

"he already hit my mailbox!" i started. "he probably would've died if he got back in that truck and tried to drive!"

"he could've slept in the truck!" she yelled.

"billie!" i yelled.

then her doorbell rang.

"oh of course," billie folded her arms in annoyance. "margie to the rescue."

i rolled my eyes and went to billie's front door. i opened the door and lo and behold, it was the LAST person i expected to see.

"h- hasson?"