Chapter 33

Our last "emergency emergency" club meeting is right afterwards, and we all gather in the club room. There's a distinct smell of fake snow and spray color, and Duncan looks like he's on allergies. Johnny orders us to sit down, since he has a whole lot of rules to recite from what looks like a professional business portfolio.

There's tension in the air and it's especially evident in the defeated look on Logan's face. He looks extra miserable, with his shoulders slumped down and what sounds like quiet sniffles.

"Vivian," he pleads, "Please, can we talk about this –"

Vivian takes her things and moves over to Liling' table.

"That went well," Duncan says and sneezes, "Ouch."

Logan sends him a glare.

"Don't listen to him," Liling tells Vivian, "Deserves him right for cheating."

"Jesus, I told you, I didn't cheat on her," Logan says, "Vivian, if you just listened to me, you'd understand that I–"

Johnny interrupts him with an annoyed glare and waves with the list in his hands. "I'm reading important rules right now, Logan. Spare us your mess."

Logan ignores him completely. "Vivian, this whole thing is just pure nonsense, you know you don't want to break up with me!"

"Oh? Well, great you know everything so much better," Vivian spits and crosses her arms, "I don't even need to listen to the sick and twisted way you try to make this anything but cheating."

"But I wasn't," Logan's practically crying by now, "I really wasn't cheating, Viv, please –"

Johnny drops his sheet loudly and sends both of them a glare.

"Out!" he orders.

"What?"

"You heard me," Johnny gestures towards the door, "Get out of here. No one wants to listen to you guys fighting."

"Actually, I'm pretty invested in this," Carlos says.

"Same," Duncan says and offers Liling his bag of chips.

Agatha leans forward with a curious look on her face, and Matthew has both his eyebrows raised. Kaia fiddles with her phone, like she's keen on filming the whole scene. Meanwhile, I just hope Logan stops with all the whining. And my name won't drop, like ever.

Vivian rolls her eyes, then gets up to grab Logan by his collar.

"Let's get out of here," she says and adds quickly, "That doesn't mean I'm going to forgive you of course."

Logan looks overjoyed nevertheless, and practically runs after her. The door closes with a loud bang, and everyone stares after them.

"Whew, I hope they'll make up," Liling says and somehow, no one disagrees with her.

I rest my head on my arms and continue to listen to Johnny's extra important rant about things to do and not to do during prom. I know Matthew's watching me. He has this look on his face, eyebrows furrowed and nose slightly scrunched up, which looks like he's in pain but is really just his thinking face. I know what he's thinking about. I know he's not stupid, able to put two and two together. I start to feel nervous.

After the meeting, Matthew waits for me by the door and offers me his hand. He squeezes my hand, but his face is carefully blank.

"Let's talk?"

"Sure," I try an uneasy smile and follow him down the hallway, away from the rest.

Matthew waits before he's sure we're far enough away from everyone before dropping my hand and running a hand through his hair.

"So – what happened with you and Logan? I didn't want to ask, but both he and Vivian kept dropping hints left and right, so –"

"Nothing happened," I say quickly, "We just talked and then Vivian showed up. Maybe Logan let a few things slip he shouldn't have said."

"Like what?" Matthew says.

"Like, uh, how he hooked up with Vivian because he wanted a more affectionate girlfriend," I say and add quietly, "How he really liked me."

"That's it?" Matthew raises an eyebrow.

"He may have kissed me somewhere along that, too," I say and wince, "Like, twice, or even thrice. Vivian got a good look at that."

Matthew doesn't say anything. He stares at me, and I look right back. It's one of these days I'm wearing sneakers and I seriously regret it right now. I don't like feeling so small. It makes me feel tiny, makes me realize just how easy it is for Matthew to break me into a million pieces.

"Well, congratulations," he says then, "You did it. He realized he wants you back. Really, congratulations."

His voice is so dull. Like he doesn't care one bit.

"An apology," I say and shake my head, "That's what I wanted. An apology. And he did, he apologized to me. So thanks, I guess. I really did it."

Matthew rolls his eyes, and takes a step back.

"If you're happy now, we can call it quits too."

"Call it quits?" I echo.

"You know," Matthew sighs and makes a wave with his hand that apparently includes him, me, and all that is between us, "I mean, we had this thing going because of Logan, and I understand if you want to end it now. It's not like I'm dying to continue, so no worries."

I'm quiet, because his voice is so very dull and nonchalant and there's panic rising inside me. Is he really implying – he wants to break up with me? My head hurts just thinking about it, and my chest hurts even more.

I stare at Matthew helplessly. His hair is all messy today, and he looks tired. He complained about an exhausting math homework earlier that day, and I laughed and told him I won't be able to help him with that. Matthew asked me if I'm done reading Holes, and I said soon. And I'll personally drop by to talk with Leonard about the book, big promise. Matthew slung an arm around my shoulders, and then he dropped me off at my class, just like always.

I'm quiet for a long time, for longer than Matthew can handle apparently, because he sighs and turns around.

"I'll get going," he says and it's like a bad deja vu. Except this time, I really, really don't want to give up on this relationship.

I don't want to give up on Matthew, don't want to give up on this, everything that has already happened and everything that could still happen. With Logan, I was nothing but a passive participant, following him everywhere he went, doing whatever he wanted to do. I'm not like this anymore. I want to be with Matthew, more than anything, and I'm not going to give up on us.

I'm running, and the next moment I'm already throwing my arms around Matthew, stopping him right in his tracks. My cheek is pressed against his back, and he stills, clearly surprised, but not attempting to free himself.

"I like you," I say and take a deep breath, "I really like you, Matthew. And it's not because of whatever we agreed on, or to prove Logan anything. I like you. More than I ever liked anyone before. So please, don't go."

Matthew doesn't say a word, and I can't see his face at all. It's silent and really, really awkward. I squeeze my eyes shut and don't dare to say anything.

When Matthew moves, I half expect him to shake off my arms, so I hold onto him tighter. But – his hands move upwards, and come to rest on mine. His fingers fit perfectly through the gaps, and he holds onto both of my hands like that.

"Want to know a secret?" he says quietly, "This whole relationship – I forgot it was fake almost immediately. It felt crazy natural. I didn't think much about it though, and it was only when I kissed you after science presentation, that I realized how much I like you. I couldn't even look at you. I thought it'd be so obvious."

Matthew squeezes my hands, and I smile against his back.

"I really want to continue this – dating you," he says. "Even though this is not the way I usually start my relationships."

"As far as I'm informed, the usual way you start your relationships doesn't exist." I say.

Matthew groans and shakes his head. "Please, just stop talking the others altogether."

He turns around then, and there's such a satisfied smile on his face I can't help but laugh.

Matthew comfortably reaches out to wrap his arms around my waist and pulls me close. "So – do you?"

"Do I what?"

Matthew looks like he wants to throw his arms in the air but remembers he's holding me last second.

"Do you also want to continue dating?" he deadpans.

I try to hide my smile and fail remarkably.

"Yeah. I guess I do."

Matthew is quiet for a second, holding me close against his chest. Then, he furrows his brows.

"You guess? You're not sure?"

I laugh and raise on my tiptoes before I kiss him. Matthew smiles and holds my face and we don't say much more from that on. There isn't much to say anyway.