Detonate: Chapter 39

Gloved up and ready to go.

I’ve been living on the edge of a knife for the last forty-eight hours. I’ve barely slept. My mind is reeling. I couldn’t protect her. Another man had his filthy hands on her.

I’m ready to end every single one of those cocksuckers today.

But I can’t.

Not when my head is like this. I’m going to be a dad. What child deserves this as a father?

All I can say with certainty is I want this. More than fucking anything. That’s why it is fucking killing me I couldn’t protect them.

No matter how many times Maddie promises me she’s okay, the baby is okay, that I saved her, I can’t tame this urge for blood. This anger bubbling inside of me ready to burst out at any second. I’ve sat there at night, watching her toss and turn, dripping with sweat in her sleep. No doubt reliving that moment.

When Keller texted this morning demanding I help train our new boxers, I flew out the door. Boxing was once my outlet for my anger, maybe it will work again today. Something fucking has to.

Ducking under the ropes, I join our most promising recruit, Jax ‘The King of Chaos’ Carter, in the ring.

“You alright, Gray?” Keller shouts.

“Fine.”

“Let’s fucking do this. Show me what you’ve got. You want to be the next Keller, fucking prove to me you’ve got it in you.”

Jax jogs in the center of the ring, gloves up and ready to attack. I mirror his stance, anticipating his first move. He comes at me with a left hook. “Fucking sloppy,” I mock.

He grunts in response, and this time, his right arm shoots out, connecting with the underside of my jaw. My head snaps back at the contact, pain shooting through my face.

Recovering fast, I come at him with an onslaught of punches. He ducks away, but I don’t let up. He bounces back as I smash my gloves into him.

“Grayson, what the fuck are you doing!” Keller shouts from beside the ring.

Right now, all I see is that fucking sleezy prick who tried to rape Maddie.

Rage burns through me. I grab Jax’s weak body and hurl him onto the canvas, blood thumping in my ears.

“Enough,” Keller screams, ripping me off of Jax and shoving me hard in the chest. I blink at him, before he cracks me right in the side of the head so hard I almost see stars.

“Go get some fucking air, then meet me in the fucking office. Now!” he shouts. Blood trickles from his eyebrow. Fuck.

The room is deadly still. Silent.

What the fuck am I doing?

Keller drops to his knees next to Jax and tends to him.

“Fucking go!”

I toss my gloves on the floor and storm into the office, slamming the door shut.

“Sit the fuck down.” Keller points to the couch in our office.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need an apology. I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on. You could have killed Jax. With everyone fucking watching. They are looking up to us. We are there to train them and you pull this shit. So enlighten me.”

He pulls out an unopened bottle of scotch, slamming it on the desk in front of him. Two crystal tumblers appear next. Filling them almost halfway, he slides mine over to me.

“Drink that first, you look like shit.”

Swiping up my own, I do the same.

“Maddie was attacked at the casino last weekend.” It hurts me to even say it out loud.

“What do you mean, attacked?”

“One of the Falcones tried to rape her.”

Bile rises up my throat as the images flash in my head again.

“Fuck. Are you okay?” he asks.

“No,” I answer truthfully, and fuck, it feels good to say out loud. “Not even close. Maddie’s pregnant. I’ve let them both down. How am I supposed to be a dad? I don’t think I can do this, Keller.”

Tears burn in my eyes. I bow my head, resting it in my hands.

I’ve fucked up. I couldn’t even stop my wife from fucking my best friend, so what makes me think I could ever be a decent husband? A decent dad? I’m not cut out for this.

The chair scrapes against the hardwood flooring as he rounds the desk toward me.

“Look at me, Grayson.”

“You need to get a fucking grip. All that doubt, it’s in your head. No one can protect Maddie and your baby better than you. Not a single person on this planet. She’s fine now, right? I assume the guy is dead?”

I nod.

“Remember what you always tell me. You can never win a fight if your head’s not in it. Number one fucking rule, Grayson. Your rule. Now live by it. You don’t need me to tell you, you’ll be an epic father. You can’t be, if you run away from your problems. Or let your anger take over. You’re better than that. We both know it.”

There’s no excuse for what I did back there. He’s right. I’m letting my anger rule me.

“Now go home to your woman and show her how much you want this. Be the man she needs right now, ’cause you’re not doing it being here trying to kill our rising boxers.”

He’s right.

My head’s a dangerous place. It always has been. But I’m in control. I can do anything with Maddie by my side.

“Thanks, Keller. I think I needed that.”

“Congratulations. It’s the best fucking job in the world. I promise you.”

Such a big softie, this one.

His grip tightens on me. “But if you lose your head like that in there again, I will knock you the fuck out without hesitating. You get me?” He cocks his brow, and I chuckle.

“I’d like to see you try.”