Chapter Sixty One

Trinity

I stand frozen, my gaze locked on my husband as everyone else scurries out of the kitchen.

Mia says, “Just text me when you want me to bring the kids back, okay, Hun?”

“Thank you,” I reply.

Once they’re all gone, I turn my attention back to Stephen.

“Do you want a cof—” he starts.

“Shut up, Stephen!” I cut him off. “When our children are out of the house, then I’ll talk to you. They don’t need to hear this.”

I sit down at the kitchen counter, my eyes never leaving him. After about fifteen minutes, everyone comes back downstairs and leaves the house.

“Lounge room. Now,” I command.

I get up and walk into the lounge room, taking a seat on the couch. Stephen follows me and tries to sit next to me.

“No! You sit over there,” I point to the chair across from me, and he complies.

“So, tell me yourself, you’re ending this! What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Look, baby, you weren’t supposed to hear that,” he says.

“HAHAHA OBVIOUSLY!” I retort. “Because why? You were just going to be a coward and fucking leave?”

“It’s not like that, baby.”

“Stop fucking calling me baby!” I snap.

He runs his hand through his hair, a clear sign of his frustration.

“I don’t give a shit if you’re frustrated right now,” I tell him.

“What?”

“Oh, I know you, Stephen! Have you forgotten you’re supposed to be my husband? When you’re frustrated, you run your hand through your hair.”

“So, tell me, you’re ending this? Ending what, Stephen? Us? You don’t love me? That’s why you put me on show last night? That’s why you were going to walk out on me today without so much as a word? WHAT’S ENDING? ANSWER ME!”

“Don’t love you? How could you say that?” he asks.

“Quite easily from where I’m sitting right now,” I reply.

“That’s ridiculous,” he says.

“Is it? IS IT REALLY?” I challenge. “After everything you’ve done the last few days, is it really ridiculous for me to think you don’t love me?”

He gets up from his chair and starts walking towards me.

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare come near me right now,” I warn.

“Baby, please,” he pleads.

“I TOLD YOU DON’T CALL ME BABY!” I yell.

“Please, Trinity, you have to understand,” he says.

“Understand??? Understand what? That my husband put me on show last night like I was just a piece of meat to him? Understand he was prepared to walk out on me AND WON’T TELL ME WHY?”

“Is there someone else?” I ask.

“WHAT? NO, never. There never has been and there never will be,” he says.

“So, what is fucking ending, Stephen! Agghhh WHAT? TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!” I demand.

I’m shaking, and before I can control it, I burst into tears. The moment I do, he jumps up and rushes over to me.

“Don’t, don’t, no! Don’t you touch me,” I say, but he ignores me and wraps me up in his arms. I try to fight him off, hitting his chest and trying to push him away, but he just holds me tighter.

“No! Let me go, why!!! Why would you do this to me! What did I ever do to deserve this, all I have ever done is love you,” I sob.

“Shhhhh, I know, I know, that’s why I’m doing it,” he says.

“You can’t. I won’t let you,” I tell him.

“I have to, I have to be prepared to do this. If nothing else works, I can’t let you keep living like this. It’s killing you, doll, and I can’t do that to you,” he says.

“That’s not your choice to make! It’s mine,” I argue.

“Shhhhh, it’s okay, I’m okay with this, I’m prepared to do this for our family,” he says.

“I won’t let you! Can’t you see?” I ask.

“See what?” he asks.

“That would kill me just as much, if not more. How could you even think of leaving me like that, in that way? How could you conceive that trying to push me away would make me stop loving you? Are you really that stupid?” I ask.

“My whole world for nearly four years now has revolved around you. My every feeling is controlled by you. I exist for you! How can you not see that! Is it really that easy for you to walk away from me and just hand yourself over? I love you! I’m in love with you! You fucking own me, Stephen!!”

I look up at him and see he has tears streaming down his face now too.

“You can’t control every situation, Stephen. Life doesn’t work that way. I know your childhood was hard, baby, and I’m sorry that happened to you, that you had to grow up so quickly, before your time, without the guidance, love, and nurture you deserved. But real life doesn’t work that way, baby, it’s not always your fault and it’s not always something you can control,” I tell him.

“You don’t always have to carry everything on your shoulders. I made a choice that night. I chose you. And I chose you again on our wedding day. And I would choose you above all others every day of my life. All I want is for you to choose me, CHOOSE US IN RETURN,” I say.

“I love you, more than I love myself some days. But I can’t keep feeling like I have to beg you to love me in return. What you decided to do without consulting me, I would never do that to you, and you know why? Because I would never hurt you like that, Stephen,” I tell him.

I watch as he processes what I’m saying and drops to his knees in front of me, hugging my torso tightly.

“I don’t know any other way, Trinity. This is how I’ve always dealt with things,” he says.

“Before me,” I correct him.

“What?” he asks.

“It’s how you dealt with things before me. But I won’t let you do this to us. You can fight it as much as you want, you can try and push me away as much as you want, but until that day comes that you tell me you don’t love me, I will keep fighting you back and keep challenging you back. I’m not as fragile as you want to believe I am. I’m your fucking wife, and that makes me stronger than you can comprehend,” I tell him.

“I would never say I don’t love you,” he says.

“Then stop making decisions that affect us both without me,” I tell him.

“Because if you can’t learn to open up and talk to me properly about the important things in our lives, then you can’t claim to trust and respect me, Stephen, because trust and respect don’t work that way,” I say.

I hear him sob into my stomach, and I gently brush his hair on top of his head as I choke back my own tears.

Stephen - I’ve never had anyone before you. I don’t know how to live any other way. I’ve only ever had myself. I try for you, baby. I try so hard every day, but I’m just a man and I keep messing this up. Every time I do, it reminds me that I’m not worthy of you. You deserve better.

Trinity - That’s not your decision to make. My heart already belongs to you. I’ve already chosen you.

Stephen - And I still can’t understand why.

His sobs intensify, and I kneel down in front of him, cradling his head in my hands.

Trinity - I can’t tell you why. Can you tell me why? You don’t always need to know the whys, Stephen. You just need to accept and appreciate what I’m telling you. Because when I tell you, it’s my heart speaking to you.

Stephen - Please, baby, please don’t leave me.

Trinity - I’m not leaving you. But you can’t be thinking about leaving me. And by turning yourself in for something you didn’t do, that’s what you’re doing. You’re turning your back on me, on us.

Trinity - Stop treating me like I’m fragile and can’t handle this. If I can’t handle something, I’ll tell you, just as I expect you to tell me if you’re struggling. Don’t make decisions that affect us both without talking to me. How would I explain that to our children? Them growing up without their father? They don’t deserve that, just like I don’t.

Stephen - Okay, baby. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I did this to you, to us.

I try to comfort him, to soothe him as his tears start to slow.

Trinity - Stephen, I need you to hear me this time, please. Because what I can’t keep doing is this. Living in fear of losing my husband. It’s killing me.

Stephen - I promise, baby, I promise. I love you.

Trinity - I love you. But I need you to hear me when I say we won’t be having this talk again. You’ve hurt me, deeply, these past few days. But you need to hear me, and hear me clearly when I say I’m here because I love you. I’m fighting for you, for us. I need you to fight for me, for our family in return. Not to give up.

My husband buries his face into my chest, sobbing, as I rest my head on top of his, trying to process how we got here, the silent tears rolling down my cheeks.