Chapter 16 ~ I Will Earn It

Matthew’s POV ~

I allowed Frost his head.. my mind a jumbled mess of what I might have said that made her doubt me so profoundly. I asked Frost 🐺 Can you search our memories from last night? I really have to fix this, buddy 🐺 I will run through them.. play them for us. Hopefully, I can help out. Abalone isn’t talking to me, either.

He started showing yesterday’s memories.. when we reached the ones of us in the study, drinking.. he showed me snapping at Ella.. and her walking out.

I followed her.. and caught up with her in the hallway.. outside her room. I snarled “I didn’t mean to snap. It’s frustrating. I have more traitors in this pack than I thought. I am being betrayed, every time I turn around.”

She said “I can understand your frustration. And you have me now.. together we can find the traitors.” I huffed and told her “You have only just found out you’re a wolf.. you can’t help until you understand our ways. You don’t get it, Ella. I am responsible for thirteen thousand people. It’s like one huge family and they’re all fighting over the last biscuit. You haven’t lived that dynamic. You have only been responsible for yourself. It’s definitely not the same.”

She gasped.. and nodded “Okay. You’re right. Forgive my misunderstanding..” I growled “You’re young, Ella. Not even an adult yet. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m just frustrated.”

Again, she nodded “I get it. Really. I do. I’m going to bed, now. You may want to consider it.. too. You have a lot on your agenda, tomorrow.. Hunting down your traitors.”

And she left me standing in the hallway. And I felt it to my very core. I fucked up. I insulted her age.. her intelligence.. even her gifts. No wonder she’s so hurt. I am an asshole.

I linked my mom and asked her to meet me in the office. By the time I arrived back at the pack house, she was waiting.

She took one look at my face and asked “What’s happened, monkeybutt?” I started to tear up and she hugged me. I whispered “I hurt her, Mom. I was drunk and said some really stupid shit. I made her feel less than. I have to fix it.”

I told her everything I had said to Ella.. and then everything Ella had said to me, tonight. Mom asked “Is anything Ella said accurate, son? Do you love her? Or is the bond pulling you to her?”

I thought about it for a hard minute.. shook my head “No.. it was the pull of the bond, at first. It’s not now. I love her. I have no doubts about that. I don’t know why I said all that shit. I don’t have any doubts, Mom. But, I made her feel like I do. I am terrified.. there are people hunting her. There’s a bounty on her head. What if she’s taken? How will I survive that?”

Mom scoffed “How will You survive? How would she? Would she fight? Or would she just surrender to whatever fate those assholes plan for her? Do you plan on locking her up in some ivory tower to keep her safe? She may be young, Mattie.. but she isn’t immature. She’s a grown woman in spirit. She’s had to be. Being responsible for herself.. She survived.. she fought back. She thrived!”

I pinched the bridge of my nose.. “I really stepped in it, this time. I made her think I am not ready to be mated. I made her feel like I don’t care about her feelings. I have to fix this. I can’t leave it like this.. I have to get her to forgive me.”

I stood up to head back to Ella’s house and Mom said “Is that wise, son? Why don’t you give her tonight? Let her get her thoughts in order?” I shook my head “I can’t, Mom. I have to tell her how much she means to me.”

I jumped in my truck and flew down the road as fast as I dared. I had only one thought.. to get to Ella and beg her forgiveness.

She opened the door to me.. her dark hair wild and down around her face.. her beautiful eyes were red and puffy. I pulled her into my arms and held her as close to me as I possibly could.

I whispered “I am so so sorry, my love. I didn’t mean anything I said to you. I don’t think that way.. I certainly don’t feel that way! I value everything about you. I didn’t mean to treat you like a child. I certainly didn’t realize how condescending I sounded. I lashed out at you because you were there.. I was frustrated and angry.. So many questions were battering my brain, and I couldn’t see past my own nose. I was wallowing in self-pity and I took it out in you.”

She said “MmHmm.. Can we go inside? It’s chilly. I’m barely dressed. And it’s two a.m.” I chuckled and picked her up.. carrying her inside to the sofa. I sat with her on my lap.. just breathing her in.

I asked “Will you be able to forgive me? I know I am asking a lot. I was an ass. I lashed out at you.. instead of just telling you what was going on in my head. I allowed the situation to overwhelm me. Yes. You are young.. but I don’t think of you as childish. You have overcome more things than most people ever encounter. You are strong, capable, and decisive.”

She told me “You hurt me, Matthew. You made me feel like I didn’t matter. Don’t do it again. I matter. My feelings matter. My opinions matter! If we aren’t in this relationship on a 50/50 basis.. we aren’t in it at all.”

I pulled her tighter into me and said “I am in it. One hundred percent. You are the most important person in the world to me. That I caused you such pain kills me. I will do better, my love. I will BE better. I promise!”

She giggled and responded “I love that you didn’t say you would Try.. you committed to doing better.. being better! Thank you, Matthew.”

I grinned “I will prove I am worthy of your love. I will earn it.”