I changed Marquise's eye color to blue
Bridger
My dad didn't enjoy being a father â or maybe he just hated being one alone. I can't imagine how he'd be if my mother were alive during my rearing, but when I was a kid, I imagined he'd be way better; I imagined he'd be more loving and forgiving. As a kid, I blamed myself not only for my mother's death but also because my father hardly seemed like he enjoyed my presence. And it was only me, he loved being around his alpha and Arron. He really liked Arron.
I'm not saying woe is me, because we had good days; times when he made me feel tolerable. I also know no parent who truly wanted their child would make their child feel like a waste of space. Ever. My father always made me feel like a waste of space even on our good days. I felt sad to see other kids with loving fathers and mothers and was jealous of the ones who didn't have a father at all.
One day, my father looked at me and told me he wished I died in my mother's place. I just stood there while he cried about his deceased mate and pointed a finger at me for killing her. He repeated over and over again that he would trade me for her if given the chance. When I was alone, I cried about a father I didn't have and a mother I never met. But who was to blame? She died giving birth, she would be alive had she not. I grew to be really bitter towards my father from that day on. Any animosity I had towards him before was only amplified tenfold.
I trained as a beta not only because my father wanted me to, but because I wanted my father to finally be happy with me. I was never enough in his eyes, not even as a beta-in-training. Soon, I realized that every time he looked at me, he'd see his mate who I killed, but I realized that too late, and then, I couldn't imagine ever telling him that I wasn't going to take his place.
My father was mourning and he never allowed me to mourn.
What if my mourning ends up being like his the moment my pup is born? What if I fuck up my pup?
I've always wanted pups, but I was always too scared to think too far ahead in my future. I didn't have a positive father figure to look up to and I never had a mother. How could I possibly be a good father? Not to mention, finding out that I wasn't destined to have a mate kind of quenched my want for a family for a little while. I loved playing with the pups in my pack - old pack - but I just couldn't see myself successfully filling the shoes of a father.
Which makes today's news all the more scary for me.
I can forgive Kian for not telling me until now. I can get over the hurt he caused me. But can I forgive myself enough to raise a pup?
When faced with adversity, I am not the type to panic. Confidence can't be taught, but it can be faked until it's mastered. And I like to think that through my years of constantly faking confidence that I have mastered what it takes to be or appear confident. That being said, no amount of confidence can shake the hysteria I feel like I'm about to succumb to just by thinking about being a father. Perhaps the hysteria is also coming from breaking my ties with Arron and the idea of being a dad in a short period of time is just adding to it.
Don't get me wrong, Kian being pregnant is not a bad thing. In fact, it's an amazing thing. Despite everything that Kian has gone through, I know that he will be an amazing father. Not because he's an omega and the belief is that all omegas are natural parents. Hell, he hid the pregnancy from me as an attempt to protect himself and our pup. It hurts, but shows me he's willing to do whatever it takes to protect. Kian also has a pure heart and soul, and he's headstrong. Yes, he's anxious and severally over-thinks things, but I have seen nothing but growth and determination from Kian since I first met him. He will do an amazing job.
Me? Fuck, I don't know where to start. As I've stated, I've loved the idea of having a family. It's just now that it's actually about to happen - in so little time - trauma that I have never really accounted for is beginning to resurface. I'm not even sure if I can call it trauma, but there are memories and childhood feelings coming forth that I don't even remember experiencing or feeling.
When I think of my dad, it's not anger that comes forward, but a sadness filled with want and need so strong that it burns my chest.
It's not like I have much time to sit and contemplate, either. Kian is four months pregnant which means he's very close to his due date. If he's pregnant with an omega, he will be due around six or seven months, but if he's pregnant with a regular wolf or somehow an alpha, less than that.
It's hard to breath thinking that my life is changing so incredibly fast and there's not really much I can do to slow the pace. I quit my job unexpectedly; I left my childhood home unexpectedly; I have no role or title anymore; and I'm about to be a father in about two months.
To break the panic that threatens to take my body, I finally allow myself to open my eyes and greet the heartbeat that has been next to me for at least an hour.
Kian's eyes find mine as soon I shift. He quickly moves closer to me, grabbing at whatever body part of mine he can to pull himself close. My skin flushes under his touch.
"I'm sorry!" he cries, "Bridger, I never wanted to hurt you, you have to know that I trust you, I do."
He nods with his words, his eyes desperately trying to hold my gaze. I know that we should probably talk deeper about this, figure each other out and where we stand. But I also know that whatever I accused Kian of hours ago was untrue and those accusations were because I was shocked and tired. I know that Kian never wanted to hurt me, I know that he trusts me â that doesn't make it hurt any less or any more. I want to be upset, but looking at his beautiful face pleading me not to makes it hard.
I kiss him. It's all I can do because I don't know what else to say. He knows that I'm hurt and he knows the situation is serious. I don't need to constantly reiterate that what he did hurt me. He kisses me back with more force than me as if he's trying to shove the trust he has for me down my throat. He grabs me shoulders and leans forward, pressing his front against mine. I can feel the tiny curvature of his baby bump as I slide my hands around him. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I feel myself heating up in the south just from a mere kiss and a soft touch.
"I'm not mad at you," I say as soon as we break apart.
With tears in his eyes, he croaks out, "you're not?"
"No," I shake my head, "but I'm still...disheartened. I would have rather found out about this when you did, But it's okay. You got the time you needed alone with our pup, I just hope in the future that you will be able to tell me these important things without being afraid of me."
"I was neverâ" he stops himself as he sits back, "I will. I'm sorry that I hurt you, really, Bridger. You're not like them, you never have been and never will be. I'm just...I feel really possessive over myâour pup. Like really possessive. I could bite someone's head off kind of possessive."
I laugh as I run my hand through his curls. "I'm glad. But don't go overboard, I don't want our pup thinking we're helicopter parents."
"What're helicopter parents?"
"Parents that hover over their child and don't let them do anything by themselves. Kids grow up to hate their parents or get into dangerous situations because they weren't allowed to made mistakes as. That or they end up being so dependent on the parents that they can't function."
Kian cringes. "We won't be helicopter parents and I'll work on my possessiveness. I want my pup to know that I love him or her andâ and I love you, I never wanted to keep this away from you."
He presses his finger against my chest. Me as a person, not as a beta or ex-beta â whatever I was before.
We lie with each other for a while until Kian reminds me that he still has things that need to be done. He has to go back to Marquise and discuss what's to come with meeting the demigod angels.
The minute we step into the loung downstairs, I'm met with a voice I really didn't want to hear today. There's no reason for me to truly hate Vic aside from the slides he tries to make at Kian every now and then that he has told me about. Maybe I should just dislike him but just hearing him in my boyfriend's home angers me.
"Oh! Well, look who's here!"
I glance over at Vic. He looks no different as he did the last time I was here. Still preppy with golden hair, he wears a smile on his face that doesn't quite meet his eyes. I don't think he was expecting me. He's holding a huge basket of baby goods in his arm, making me all the more annoyed. He knows before me? How did he get baby stuff already?
I don't offer him anything as he doesn't give me time to. He makes his way over to Kian and reaches his scrawny arm out with the basket dangling off of it.
"This is for you!" Vic says, "I overheard your conversation with Marquise. I had to help."
Kian lets out an awkward oh before taking the basket and walking over to me. I sit up straight as he places the basket in front of me and begins taking things out of it. It's full of colors like yellow, green, and purple. Inside there are tiny onesies and sleepers, a swaddling blanket, baby bottles, gift cards to places like Target and Walmart, pacifiers, teething toys, and a bigger blanket. And my annoyance.
"Oh it's adorable, Vic, thank you so much!" Kian cheers as he claps his hands excitedly, "what are these cards?"
"They're-"
"It's for shopping," I interrupt Vic as I take them, "these cards have money on them that you use to pay for stuff. I will take you to these places, they're human stores. I know how much you want to see the humans."
Kian's face twists as he glances at someone behind. Confused, I turn and see the angel â Marquise â standing in the doorway to the kitchen from the patio. I turn back face him and he doesn't look near as excited as I expected him to.
"The humans aren't good," he says gravely, "they treated the people of colors terrible just like how werewolves treat omegas."
Oh, so the angel gave him a history lesson
"Oh, dear. No, Kian!" Marquise gasps. His accent shocks me because I wasn't expecting him to be...hell, French. Not that there's anything wrong with being French. His accent surely isn't as thick as other French accents that I've heard, but it's very much there.
He quickly walks over to Kian, a small smile playing on his lips as he stands next to the counter island I'm sitting by.
"Darling, the evil was a long time ago," Marquise explains, "today, racism is much more frowned upon. Now, that's not to say there still isn't social unrest for us people of color today as many countries including this one were simply built on racism - it is systematic. But things are slowly getting better, people of color have the same rights as the White people, but there is still a lot to be fixed. Given, that should not keep you from exploring the world, my love. Every species has it's troubles, even angels."
His words of endearment don't bother me the way they would if Vic were saying them. Perhaps it's because he's an angel and simply cannot have bad intentions. As he explains, I take a moment to assess him. He's wearing a white button-down shirt with brown trimming, white shorts, and white sandals. His locs are decorated with gold as well as his ears, eyebrow, nose, and fingers. There's one ring that catches my eye: a green one that appears to have movement in the gem.
I've never met an angel, but he's as angelic as I assume they come. From the soft way he speaks, his casual and gentle movements, his all-white attire, to the glow around his body like the corona of the sun - he is what anyone would assume an angel would look and be like. Anyone who isn't affiliated with a religion involving angels, that is â I've seen the scary angels that Christians believe in. Absolutely not.
He's incredibly handsome and tall with a sharp jawline and a lean body. His eyes are what catch my attention the most: the most striking pale blue that they almost seem white. He has an iris, I can tell from the black ring, but the iris is also white like the sclera. It's almost creepy to look at.
"I don't know..." Kian cautions as he crosses his arms, "you told me they did terrible things to your family."
"They did," Marquise agrees with a nod, "but today isn't like yesterday, we are constantly moving towards greatness. There is far too much social unrest around this entire globe so I say, enjoy the world and what it offers and fight as much as you can for things you believe in. You can do both."
Slightly convinced, Kian sways as he thinks. "I do want to see the humans."
"I offered to take you!" Vic's input is completely unneeded and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes.
"I wanted to go with Bridger," Kian states, his voice just a tad bit harsh, "because it's supposed to be a date."
That shuts Vic up and I bet he wants to take the baby basket and sell all the stuff he bought us. Maybe I should be nicer to him. I can't blame the guy for having a crush on Kian. I smile at him but he actively ignores my gaze as he focuses on his phone instead.
"I'll go but what if I see the humans doing racism?"
'Doing racism' Jace snorts
'Shut up'
Doing racism. Goddess, I love him. Racism was never really a thing for werewolves until we started mingling with the humans. I'm not sure if it's fair to blame the humans for introducing racism to my kind, but I'd point the blame to them if asked to. Our Goddess Herself was always depicted as a woman with skin "as dark as the night". Then around the mid-1900s, some random packs decided that her skin was either grey like rock or white like the glow of the moon because they started to believe that She was part of the moon rather than its keeper. It just went downhill from there, but today, there are very, very few racist werewolves. There are very secluded packs with zero technology and zero tournament participation that have never seen any other race but their own, but that's simply lack of education, not blatant racism. Racism just isn't normal for us the way it is for humans. Of course, we have sex discrimination, homophobia and transphobia, and many other stupid issues â just not racism. I'll take it as a win.
Looking proud, Marquise says, "you do something about it."
I knew from the beginning of all of this that Kian had or would have an itch for social change. I'm sure everyone who isn't ignorant has at least a small craving for social justice. As stated before, Kian's heart is simply too huge and pure for him to not want to take the world into his hands and squeeze out all the evil.
If I could give him the world to do so, I would.
It's why he'd make such an amazing father.
"Vic, could you put Bridger's fingerprint into the security system now?" Kian says, "you didn't do it the first time he was here, remember?"
I look at Vic. His eyes are already on me. His looney tune smile is still on his lips as he claps his hands together.
"Of course!" Vic answers, "we can do it now so I won't forget later."
"Bridger, are you also going with me today to see The Lords?" Kian asks, his eyes wide and hopeful, "since...you're not going to your pack anytime soon."
I know he's trying to be funny, but my laugh falls a bit short. It's not that it wasn't funny, it's more so it's still an open wound. Nonetheless, I bring my mind back to the question at hand.
"I'll never pass up an opportunity to meet demigods," I say, "when are we leaving?"
As Kian opens the fridge to pull out some eggs, he says, "after breakfast."
"Preferably, very soon," Marquise adds. "Oh! And they don't like being called demigods or gods, we just refer to them as Lord."
"After breakfast, soon, Lord - got it," I affirm as I stand from my spot. "Vic and I will head down to do the security thing."
Vic is as weird and awkward as I remember him. We stick mostly to small talk as he helps me set up my part of the security system. I hope that with me being here now, he'll stop hanging around here as often as he does. He already managed to annoy me with the baby goods, just having him around being awkward with me and flirty with Kian is too much. After the small talk fails, I don't bother trying to hold any real conversation with the man and finally, after a painful twenty-ish minutes, I'm back upstairs sitting and watching Kian cook. Marquise isn't up here when we come back and Vic doesn't hang around too long either â thank Goddess.
Kian is making pancakes, quietly humming to himself as he faces the stove. I sit at the island behind him and watch him silently. His back is broader than what I remember, his legs just a little thicker. My eyes may or may not linger on his rounded butt that has also gotten bigger since I've last seen him, but only Goddess can answer to that. His curls are still frizzy and unkempt, somehow sitting in a bun-pony-tail while other curls escape the hold and fly in his face. He swipes a hand over his head and the curls lay still out of his face for just a second before falling back into his face. When I laugh, he glares at me and whispers something about wanting a hair cut.
"What if our pup has your hair?" I ask and he throws his head back and groans.
"When I saw Avery after she got a bit older, she had hair like mine, but James is also Black so her hair was way tighter than mine," he shakes his head, "then Ivory's hair was bone-straight like Jason's. So who knows how our pup's hair is going to be. I guess I need to learn how to do mine better just in case."
I like that he can talk about his daughters no without looking as though he's going to breakdown. It's terrible, but I like that he can see that it's just us: me, him, and our pup; not us and them: me, him, and all the people who have hurt him.
"I'll learn with you," I say, "my hair is wavy if I grow it out."
"There's wavy, then there's crazy," he pulls one of his ringlets away from his head and lets it go. It bounces right back into place except now it sticks out funny. I try not to laugh at him.
"How are you feeling?" I decide to ask instead. If he asks me how I feel, I wonder how I can explain being both happy and excited as well as sad and terrified. I'm not even sure sad is the right word for how I'm feeling about everything because I'm almost feeling hopeful.
He pauses as he sits a plate of pancakes on the island. Pursing his lips, his dark eyes meet mine. "I should ask you that. I've told you how I feel, but you haven't told me how you feel...about any of this."
Before I answer him, I wrack my mind for anything I might have said or done that made all my decisions up until now seem as though I were uncertain. I thought I was always very clear about what I want and don't want...wasn't I? Did our conversation from today make him feel as though I'm having second thoughts about being here and starting a family with him? Because that's the most sure thing I have ever done.
"I don't understand," I say, "what do you mean?"
"It's just-" Kian sighs as he tries to find his words. "I feel guilty, you know? You've done so much for me and you basically put the whole world in my hands. I feel like everything you've done up until now has been for me and I feel...I feel bad because of that. I just want to know how you're feeling."
I blink. His face is serious as he waits for me to answer, falling into that blank look as if he's preparing for me to say something he won't like so that he won't react. I can't even form a proper answer. I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. I just want him to be happy. I feed off the happiness of others, if they're happy then my world isn't so bad..
'Just tell him how you feel' Jace sighs. He's been quiet all day today and I kind of want to curse him for leaving me to handle everything by myself without so much as a syllable of encouragement. 'hush stop whining, you are a big boy. He wants to hear your big boy words â your heart and your head'
"Well, I'm...I'm feeling...sorrowful," I start as I look around to make sure no one is listening, "because...damn, I have a lot of guilt in me, you know. And I've worked hard to try to bury that guilt or paint over it or ignore it and I can't ever escape it. And then, when I think things are getting better, suddenly I take a whole different turn and now I'm feeling even more guilty because I just abandoned my pack high and dry. And I don't feel guilty just because I abandoned my pack, but I also feel guilty because I'm happy that I abandoned my pack."
I take a deep breath before I continue, just spewing out everything that my mind throws at me. "Kian, you told me that you want to make sure that I'm making decisions based on what I want and I am...for like the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I'm in control of my life and doing stuff that I want to do. I'm not Arron's shadow anymore, I don't give a shit what my dad thinks - actually, maybe I still do a little bit that's neither here nor there. But like...Kian, I feel free - I feel like I can start over here. I can work on facing my guilt here maybe. I'm terrified it'll affect the way I raise our pup - and Goddess that whole news makes me feel terrified, I've just been thinking about all the shit that I've gone through without a positive parental figure at all. But anyway, right now, in a weird way, I'm the happiest and most terrified I have ever been for all the same reasons."
His blank face remains. All he does is blink before rushing over to me and then suddenly, I'm in his arms before I can even blink. He's squeezing my arms against my side so I can't really hug him back. Even so, I try my best to melt into his hug, closing my eyes and taking in his sweet scent. Goddess, it's so sweet. Like a fruity cheesecake or some shit.
"Thank you for telling me everything," he says, "I'm sorry for hiding this pregnancy from you."
"We have to promise each other that we will be fully honest with one another from now on," I break from the hug and place my hand on his cheek, "if not for us then for our pup."
He nods. "I'll try. I promise."
"I'm happy that I chose you," I say as I kiss his forehead. "My chosen mate."
"My chosen mate," he repeats as he gently places his lips on mine.
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Word Count: 3864
The dialogue in this is very...off. I don't know what's up with it...I changed it around but it's still weird. Never writing dialogue again ð¤ð¤ð¤
Anyways, aww so cute #chosenmate