7| Gravestones

Chapter 7

Alice

I stare at the two hundred dollar steak that any other day I would devour with no hesitation. But, I cannot fathom the mere thought of eating anything. Everything makes me sick to my core when I think of being able to enjoy anything as I did before.

I continue to stare at the array of foods and look at the glass of red wine my mother had ordered for me. I didn't bother to look at the waiter when he asked what I wanted. I didn't want a single thing. I feel like I don't deserve a single thing.

At a table nearby, there's a table with a family. The child seats at the end, in a booster seat. Her hair is pulled up in pigtails and she's wearing a dress. It's the type of dress that I think I would have brought Annabella when she would get about her age.

By the looks of the mom, and easiest of her little family smiling. Her pregnancy was a lot happier than my own.

After losing Annabella. A few things have become an everyday habit. I drink...a lot. I go into her room and I watch others. Whether it be on Youtube or simply in real life. I watch others and think about their stories.

I think about things like if they have a happy family or a hellish one filled with the most horrid things.

I think about if their husband is cheating on them with their secretary, or if the mom with the Louis Vuitton actually has her shit together as she portrays. I wonder if they're good parents or shitty ones that had kids for play or some accessory to show off on Instagram.

I think about what I would do in certain situations. Like the other day, I saw a couple who were arguing, and their daughter was crying. I watched as they blatantly ignored her and continued their argument, spouting out a slew of hate.

She called him a bastard. And he called her a whore right in front of their daughter. Apparently, the wife went to dinner with another man earning her the new insult of being called a whore in front of her toddler. I could see it in her eyes it wasn't true-she wasn't a whore.

The child of course didn't know what it meant but she knew it wasn't nice. So, she cried and cried, until her small shirt was wet. It took everything in me not to approach them and yell. To tell, them that they are with their child and parents shouldn't act like that-especially in front of their kid.

But the truth didn't matter, their kid was there.

I was going to tell them that they didn't deserve to be parents especially over people like me.

People with so much love to give.

"Alice, please eat honey," my mother says cutting off my thoughts. Mother is looking at me. Not the same way she did while I was pregnant. That worry was kind and brought me so much joy. I didn't feel like a burden like I do now.

When I was pregnant I was happy with her constant nagging and barrages of curses. I enjoyed her worry if I wasn't eating enough or if Alessio was doing a well enough job making sure I took my prenatal vitamins.

Now, it's different so much different.

I overheard my mother one day and she compared my weight to when I was fresh from the island.

How funny.

I look malnourished-how disgusting of me. Another reason why Alessio doesn't want me, how he couldn't want me.

"Alice, please eat honey," my mother repeats. A large glass of wine sits next to the plate. Instead, of eating, I drink instead. My mother eyes the wine glass and swipes it from my hand. "Eat, Alice. Stop drinking, Please eat."

"I'm not hungry," I murmur.

"Melissa told me you haven't eaten in a day and a half. And the rare time you did eat it was exactly three bites from a sandwich."

Saying I ate might bed an exaggeration. I did eat but I threw up a few hours later after I went into my daughter's room. So, I haven't actually eaten really in three days. But, I don't feel the hunger.

"Mom, I am fine. Or as fine as I could possibly be...considering things." A silence befalls us. "How's everything with the business? How's Italy?"

She takes a swig of her drink. "Fine. Leo is quite the businessman and your grandfather is teaching me the ends and outs of things. Some things have been quite interesting but I've become used to things."

"That's good."

"Dr. Avery spoke with me today."

"She did?"

"She talked to me about cleaning out the nursey. Now I kn-"

My eyes widen, not that, anything but her nursery. I slam my fist onto the table, sending a shock not only through the plates and glasses but my mother as well. "Do not touch her goddamn nursery!" I yell.

"Alice! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"No! You are not touching her nursey. Her stuff is staying where I left it!"

"Alice," she starts. I stand up from the table. All eyes are on me. They look at my skinny body, at my poor excuse of a body, and stare. They look at my roots that need maintenance and my mostly dyed blonde hair. Some people hold their children, while others simply watch me. I can't take it. I can't take the eyes boring into my poor excuse of a woman.

"Stop! Just stop!" I shout.

I rush out of the restaurant and ignore my mother shouts behind me. I become tired way too quickly than I would have liked. I falter outside of the restaurant, using the brick wall to hold myself up from falling. I know, she's behind me. I hear her huffs, and the way her heels clank. It's sounds that are too embuled into what I've heard all my life.

"What!" I huff turning my attention to her wide eyed, with tears filling her eyes.

"Alice...this is too much. You're..."

"What mom! I'm grieving! I'm fucking sad and I feel so goddamn useless. God," I run a hand through my hair and stair up into the bright sky. People walk past me and stare, some giving me looks of sympathy and others completely avoiding me. How can I blame them? "No one understands me."

My mother grabs my shoulders and makes me face her. My usually cool and collected mother's eyes are brimming with tears but she continues to stare at me. "I understand...God, I understand Alice so much. Come with me," she says. And I walk with her to the car and she begins to drive.

She is quiet through the car ride, slightly tapping the steering wheel. I watch the streets turn into more suburban areas and then we arrive at a graveyard and my heart stops. "Mom, no...please no. I can't mom. Why would you take me here!" I will never forget this place and the way I had to watch her little body in the open casket.

I still dream and picture the way we had to lower her and the dirt being placed on her. She wore a pink dress and a bow that I picked out for her when I was still pregnant. God, her face and her body were so cold. No child should ever feel that cold.

"Alice, please...come." She opened my door and I looked to the ground and took one step. "I'm not taking you to see her. I'm taking you to see your brother."

My brother? Yes, my brother. The brother my mom lost when I was a child.

She walks me to my little brother's gravesite.

Here lies an angel that was taken too soon

"Alice. I know how you feel. And I was exactly where you were right now. I was destructive and I hated the world. I blamed myself for what happened. I felt like an useless excuse of a women. I refused to eat and drink and your dad didn't know what the hell to do or even say. How could he?"

I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand. "And what did you do?"

She looks over to me and holds my shoulders, brushing a few strand of my hair to really look me in the eyes. "I got up and realized I had responsibilities. I had to take care of you. And to take care of you. I had to take care of myself."

Then I burst into tears. "Mom, it's so hard. I can't keep on living knowing how much I screwed up thing for me and Alessio." And she hugs me.

"I know but I know in my heart that you and Alessio will have more children. I know that you two will be alright, and happy again someday. You two will get married and move out into a nice home with Charlie with Annabella forever in you guys' hearts."

I escape her grasp and stare up at her. She's right, we will have more children. I will have more children who I can raise that will be there to fill her hole. I want a child. I want one so much.

That's what mother had to help her grieve. She had me to fill the whole.

"Yeah mom, you're right," I say. "We will have more children. And we're going to be happy."

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.

I'm still on hiatus. I just missed these two so much.

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