5| Rabits

Chapter 5

Alice

The day she was born was the day she died. It was the day I died too. When we buried her, it was like she took me with her to the other side.

Alessio shakes my body to wake me up from the unfiltered blissfulness that is slumber. I sleep more nowadays. It's easier to sleep than to be awake. Being awake means, I have to think. And thinking means, I will think of Annabella and her not being in her crib in the room next door to us.

I can't hear her screams for me to feed her. I can't experience her laughter when I wash her hair or the closeness of having her in between Alessio and I as we sleep. I know that it's new parents 101 to not let their baby sleep with them but I wouldn't care. It would be the most joyous thing in the world turning over and seeing Annabella and Alessio next to me when I woke up.

I get up slowly from the bed to fully see Alessio. He is showered and is wearing his black suit. He looks good, better than what I can muster for me. I could only imagine what he thinks of me.

He probably thinks I'm a failure-I am a failure. I couldn't even manage to do the one thing my body was meant to do.

Alessio's and I's relationship is so different now.

We live our life separately and only meet in the middle when it's time to sleep. We don't have an idle talk when we eat dinner nor do we have our morning delights anymore. We're silent, living in a shell of what we once were.

He still holds me and places chaste kisses before he goes, but that's it. He no longer cradles my now empty stomach, let alone make love to me.

But, why would he?

My body is a mess.

I am a mess.

I have stretch marks along my stomach and thighs. My empty stomach still protrudes out, my breast are swollen. And that's just my body. My face, they're bags under my eyes, my hair is a mess and I smell like hell on earth.

I would have delighted in my body in a different life. This body would have been worth it if I had the chance to hold my daughter in my hands. But, alas. I have no daughter.

Just a body that was torn apart on the inside and out.

"Alice, I'm gonna be gone for a few days for an out-of-state meeting."

He's been having meetings and outings a lot lately for the past two weeks. It's probably Leo's doing so Alessio can let off some steam and clear his mind. Work is good for him, being on the go selling paper to the world. If he wasn't working, then he'll have to watch me as I lay in the bed mourning our daughter.

I thought I knew true pain when Eobard died or when Joseph left me, but this tops it all. Nothing else will ever top this. And if it is possible, I pray that any pain worse than this will never come.

"You have another session with Dr.Avery today," Alessio says.

Dr.Avery is a woman with my mind as her project. One moment, it's PTSD and anxiety turning into a severe case of depression that has made Melissa take all sharp objects out of the house in case I have a hard day.

"I know."

"She's coming here in about an hour," he tells me.

"I know," I say.

My breast hurt-I need to pump.

He opens his mouth to say something and then closes it. There is fear in his eyes. He doesn't want to say the wrong thing. He doesn't have to tell me. He wants me to feel better. But, there is no feeling better.

Nothing will make me feel better.

Alessio leans down and kisses me. "I'll see you in a few days, Alice. I love you," he tells me.

"I love you too." He gives me one last glance and leaves our bedroom, closing the door behind him. When I hear him walk down the hall through my childhood home. I finally get out of bed to do what might be the worse thing in the world.

I walk into the bathroom and grab the breast pump. No one said that even if your baby dies, you still produce milk. Even my body is in shock from it. I sit on the toilet with my breast connected to the pumps, sucking out the milk as I relieve myself.

I let out a sigh, at the sight of the full bottle that won't be of any use to anyone. I dump the bottle in the toilet and leave the room, closing the door behind myself.

It's time, I patter through our bedroom and go for the room next door-the nursery.

I once used to love this room now I can't say it's still the case.

The room is painted mint green, and all the furniture is white with white clouds accented in the sky. It took Alessio two weeks to put everything together. He refused for me to help him or hire someone because he said he wanted to be the one to put together the bed his daughter sleeps in. I walk towards the crib, and it's empty.

The crib in which Annabella Natalia Russo was supposed to sleep in is empty. She isn't crying for me to change her. She isn't clawing at my shirt to feed her. Her fingers are not wrapped around mine smiling-laughing at me. She isn't there.

She is inside of a casket, with a gravestone with two dates that are the same.

I pick up the bear inside the crib and hug it, letting out a few tears. "My sweet girl," I mutter. "You were supposed to be healthy and happy." I put the bear back into the crib and hold my own body. Alessio offered to clear this room out, but I couldn't bear to stare at an empty room every day.

At least with her stuff in here. I can imagine.

I can imagine a fantasy where she isn't dead. She's just out with my mom, having a granddaughter, grandma's day, giving Alessio and me a much-needed day off. In my fantasy, she would be arriving in a few hours after I finally took a shower and cleaned her throw-up from off my shoulder.

I would finally enjoy Alessio again and not be burdened with the constant reminder that I am not good enough. The curtains are drawn, and not a speck of light can come in. I walk towards the closet and open it. Dresses, upon dresses, engulf the closet.

My fingers trail the closet until I land on one dress in particular, and I can't breathe.

"Alessio," I whine. "This dress is so adorable! Would you look at it?" I hold up the baby overall dress. The dress has bunny ears for overalls, with a pink skirt flaring out in a ruffled intricate design. On the stomach is a giant heart, and my heart melts at the sight of it.

He takes a look at the tag. "Alice, this is for babies at three to six months. She won't fit this for quite some time."

I take a look at the tag and then the outfit. "Yeah. But we can still get it now. She'll grow into it before we know it," I inform him.

She'll grow into it before we know it.

I was so hopeful and sure of myself.

"Ms. Alice, Dr.Avery is here," Melissa informs me from the doorway. I quickly wipe my tears and put the dress back on the hanger where I found it. Melissa gives me a solemn look, and I walk past her to the office where Dr.Avery and I now have our sessions.

Melissa and I don't talk as much, and why would we? She's going to say the same thing as everyone else.

Are you okay?

What can I do to help?

Nothing, there's nothing you can do.

She sits on one couch, and I sit on the other. She's already here with her notebook and business attire. She doesn't usually do home visits, but it's necessary for my current state. No one trusts me to operate a car, and frankly, I don't blame them.

I would probably drive into a lake, and let the water suffocate me until I die.

"Hello Alice," Dr.Avery starts as I take my respective seat. I cross one leg over the other and hold my body close.

"Hi, Dr.Avery. How are you today?" I ask.

"Fine. And you?"

I don't have a smart remark or anything clever for that matter. "Horrible."

She leans forward, "Alice have you thought to rethink your refusal for the anti-depressant medication. I think it'll really-"

"Stop!" I shout. Every single goddamn time I see her, there's a new pill she wants me to try. "Stop trying to drug me up so I can feel better! I don't want drugs. I never want drugs to make me feel better or numb. I want to feel grief! I want to feel the pain that I deserve because I failed at being a mother before she even came out."

"You didn't fail, Alice. A stillbirth is something that millions of parents go through every year Alice. You did nothing wrong."

"But I did." I take a deep breath. "She would have been three months old today," I inform her. "My daughter would have been three months old today."

"I know. But Al-"

"I was in her room, imagining or daydreaming about how she would look staring up at me. And I looked into her closet and saw a dress. See, I remember when Alessio and I picked out the dress. He told me that we shouldn't get it because she wouldn't fit it, and I insisted on getting it because she will grow into it." I feel the tears start to form. "And she isn't, and it's my fault."

"It's not your fault. Nothing could have prevented this."

Whatever she says doesn't matter. I have to repent, death is too easy for me. I need to live in this reality for what I did.

I point to her and laugh. "See, that's where you're wrong. After I was sure Alessio was asleep, I had a thought. You wanna know what the thought was?"

"What was the thought?"

"The thought was when was the last time my daughter kicked. And the answer was three days before my water broke. Three days! And Alessio asked me if everything was alright and why wasn't she kicking anymore. And I didn't want to be the neurotic new mom, so I said oh, she's just getting into position."

I watch as Dr.Avery's eyes widen and then relax. See, this is something I didn't even tell Alessio. Because if he knew, he would surely leave me. He would leave me because I'm so goddamn stupid.

"And it turns out," I add. "That wasn't the truth. She was dead, inside of me. I didn't think to go to the doctor or call someone. I didn't think it was a big deal. If I did, then my child would be in my arms. She would have a chance at living if her mother weren't so goddamn stupid. I killed my child! I am the reason why she can't play a game of soccer one day. I am the reason why she isn't here!" I heave.

And Dr.Avery bursts into tears. How sick is that? I made my therapist cry.

"Alice," she cries. "It's not your fault."

"But it is. And you know what. I think Alessio is gonna leave me. And I don't blame him. He really wanted a family, hell that's what he's always wanted, and I couldn't give it to him. Hell, I did something worse. I gave him a glimpse of what could have been and stripped it from him like it was nothing at all."

"Alice, Alessio is a good man. He won't leave you for this. He loves you."

"Yeah, but good men can only take so much."

Yeah, wow...

Shit...

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