Chapter 18

Thoughts of leaving were swimming through my brain and the cubs seemed to sense the shift in mood as they were whimpering and trying to give their strength to me through our bond. I thought I was safe here in this pack with my mate and new friends too help me through anything that came my way but how could they help me if I was the problem. There was now something wrong with me, I was putting everyone in danger if I couldn't control who I now was and who I was connected too, the old spirit that resided within me was very strong and I could feel its immense dormant power.

I needed to do research, but I still had yet to master what was the language that this pack spoke and wrote in. I had been teaching myself and my cubs have had lessons with the pack teachers and were excited at the thought of starting school soon. I didn't want to rip them away from this new life they had begun to create, I could leave them here in the care of someone else but that didn't sit right with my instincts of family. I have bonded with these children over our time together and they were my last link to what was once my family, I couldn't leave them with somewhat strangers no matter how kind they appear to be at first glance.

What would become of my mate if I were to leave, we haven't marked each other yet so he could possibly find another mate if the rejection didn't kill myself or him. When a mate is rejected they can lose their animal soul, I had seen it happen in my clan and it wasn't pretty they were shunned for no longer being able to shift and because of us living in that form they were sent away to die in the harsh wilderness that was my home. I know I am beginning to love Thatcher and would miss him every second but would it be for the best or would myself and cubs be picked off like flies by rogues or nearby packs, I had no way of knowing the boundaries of nearby packs and prides nor the current rogue and loner shifter situation of these parts, so leaving would surely be a death wish if I wasn't absolutely careful. Would it be worth it? I knew what it was like to be alone and it had near drove me to insanity to have no one but the cubs, and now that two of the three had a human form it was even more dangerous.

Why was my life so full of these misfortunes? What had I done to deserve such treatment from the gods above, I had always attempted to be kind and respectful to the elders even though they hated upon me for my runt status? I needed to figure out what it was I was doing, and I needed to think fast. I would be running from my possessive alpha mate who may never cease looking for me or grow to hate me forever. My breath was coming in short bursts and my palms were sweating, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and my heart was going to pound right out of my chest due to all the stress that was now my life.

"Baby? Are you ever coming out of that room? The pack members want to see that you are okay now." Came Thatchers voice coming down the hallway, his voice soothed apart of me and allowed my shaking to subside but also made the decision I had to make so much more difficult. Thatcher opened the door and seemed to look around for me before spotting my crouched body on the floor in a group pile of my limbs and the cubs. He began to walk closer to me asking if I was okay and what was wrong, I couldn't respond instead I started to cry softly and looked away from his confused eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey baby what's wrong? Are you in pain still? Do I need to get the doctor, c'mon talk to me" My mate said as he gathered me into his arms and pulled me as close as possible to his large frame. The cubs pulled away from me and gathered once again around mine and my mates' body still trying to lend me their strength. The skin to skin contact felt like heaven and seemed to be the only thing that could quieten the thoughts racing through my mind. I attempted to respond to his previous question, but my mind wouldn't link with my mouth and the words wouldn't come out the only thing that continued was the tears streaming down my now flushed cheeks.

"Baby please talk to me I don't know how to help if you don't tell me what's wrong." Thatcher spoke into my hair before lifting my chin to face him and wiped away my tears.

"I c-can't" I whispered brokenly.

Thatcher cocked his head in question and rubbed my back, his eyes glazed over for a second indication he was talking through the pack link, not 30 seconds later Hagen came through the door and grabbed the kids and nodded to my mate before smiling softly at me and retreating back out the door closing it softly, locking me in here with my mate who is trying to pull a very dark secret out of me.

"I had Hagan come take the pups so we can discuss what is going on." He said sternly looking down at me, he picked me up and walked us over to the bed sitting himself at the top with me snuggly in his lap. "Talk, Now." Thatcher used his alpha voice on me making me whine and bare my neck for him to see my submission.

My mouth opened and closed in attempt to speak but I didn't know what to say because I couldn't lie to him at this proximity after he just used the demanding alpha voice on me. The tears had not stopped this entire time and now I was more confused and lost and felt like I was betraying my mate by the thoughts that had been racing in my head.

"I'm sorry," I whispered out keeping my head low and not looking my mate in the eye, "I can't tell you please don't be mad at me."

Thatcher seemed to not like this answer if the growling from deep within his chest was anything to go by. I really didn't want to tell me my thoughts of leaving but I also didn't want him to be mad at me I was stuck in a hard place both conversations ending only in foreseeable disaster, I was beginning to become stuck again in my head, the sounds fading away and my vision going in and out of focus. I could feel the other souls within my body begin to tremble and almost fight to front. I needed to calm down but I didn't know how everything was happening to fast and I was going in slow motion, the world seemed to spin on its axis and I was taken with it.

"CAS!" broke through my haze of panic, I could tell it was Thatchers voice and I clung to it and attempted to swim from within the dark I found myself falling into. The panic began to slowly recede but not fade away completely it seemed to be stuck under my skin sticking to me and refusing to vanquish its hold upon my soul.

"Come back to me love," Thatchers voice felt like music to my ears. I looked up at him and was able to lift my head out of his chest and start to control my breathing.

"Sorry." I mumbled weakly.

"I'm going to need you to explain. Now. You just had a panic attack and not ten minutes ago you were crying, I cant help because you won't tell me what is going on, as an alpha it is my job to protect those in the pack, but if you don't want to talk to me about your feelings perhaps you can talk to the pack therapist."

"I'm sorry I just have a lot in my head right now." I tried to explain unsure of how this was going to go. "I'm different." I managed to squeak out after ten painfully long silent seconds.

Thatcher cocked his head once again in confusion at my awful attempt at an explanation. I didn't know how I was going to explain this, the prospect of running away and not dealing with this situation was looking more and more appealing with every second that passed. As if sensing my desire to flee the hold my mate had on me gradually increased and now, I was barely able to move

"Something happened to me when I was taken, something changed and now I'm different."

"You're not different baby, you are going through a traumatic experience its okay to feel different now but you're still the same old Cas to me." He kissed the side of my head softly obviously not understanding the severity of the change I had been through.

"No, please listen I am different, I was changed the doctor he did something to me, I don't know how to explain but just before I changed, and I've been speaking to another voice inside me I have another being living within me its not just me and my hyena anymore." I try and say in a rushed-out jumble of words and tears.

I could see Thatcher trying to process my words but I just sounded crazy saying I was hearing voices and had changed due to the capture it was clear he wouldn't be able to understand unless I showed him the new part of me but that was a terrifying thought even if the elder soul within my human shell was excitedly moving at the idea.

"Prove it."

"What?" I asked shocked that, that was his response to what I had just told him.

If he wants to meet me you shouldn't hold back, little one.

I don't know if that a good idea, I thought back at the elder soul.

I felt my skin begin to shift and hair begin to grow around my body, as this was happening, I felt my soul being pushed out of the front of the brain and the new soul push its way forward. Well I guess that takes care of that problem, I don't have to explain now. Lets see what happens now.