Beyond the Game: Chapter 11

“So, it went well, then?” Milo asks while changing his clothes after our morning session. The team was back on the ice, running drills and preparing for our next string of away games. Though we see each other during the summer, there’s nothing like the camaraderie we have during the season. These guys are my brothers. My family. I don’t know what I would do without them.

“I guess as well as could be expected.” I shrug. “She listened. She accepted my apology and she definitely wasn’t about to take any of my shit.”

Colby pulls a clean t-shirt over his shoulders. “She’s going to let you be involved?”

“She’s not letting me. I want to be. I promised her I would give one hundred and ten percent whenever I’m here. It just sucks that I’ll miss things when I’m away. And it’s killing me that she’s done everything these last few months on her own. Had I known, I would’ve been there. I could’ve helped her.”

“I mean, sure you could run to the store for her or give her a foot rub when she needs it.” Zeke shrugs. “But you can’t carry that baby for her. You can’t endure whatever uncomfortableness she’s going through. You do what you can when you can. I won’t say it doesn’t suck when you’re away because it fucking does. Your life will change though and you won’t even know it. You won’t want to be hanging at Pringle’s after a game when you can be snuggled in a chair holding your kid feeling them breathe peacefully on your chest while they fall asleep. Stuff like that…it’s the best feeling in the world.”

“But what if I pat its back too hard or, I don’t know, squeeze too hard when I’m holding it? How do I not break my kid?”

The guys laugh around me and Zeke nods. “Dude, I had those same fears, but I promise you when you’re holding your kid in your arms, everything about you changes. You’ll do anything to protect that child. Give them the moon when they ask for it. You won’t break it. I promise.”

“Yeah. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’ll be damned if I fail this kid. And to be honest, I don’t want to fail Tatum either. I downloaded this baby app so I can keep up with where she is in the process and what she might be going through. I’m trying to learn all I can as quickly as possible.”

“Speaking of Tatum, what’s the deal with you two now?” Quinton asks. “Are you officially together?”

“Uh, I guess I never really considered that, nor did we talk about it last night.” I scratch my head, slightly irritated I didn’t think to bring it up. “I don’t really know what we are at the moment. Do you think that’s what she wants?”

Milo steps into his shoe and bends over to tie the laces. “What would you want if you had your way?”

I haven’t given it much thought either.

That’s bullshit.

She’s all I’ve thought about for months and now she’s here, living in Chicago and carrying my child If Tatum told me she would be okay with whatever I wanted, what would I want? I’ve never given thought to having a relationship with someone because I didn’t think I could be a good partner to anyone. Sexual partner, sure, but the lovey-dovey stuff? The caring and the spending time and the affection…

That was never me.

It wasn’t me growing up.

It’s not me now.

But when I saw Tatum standing in my living room, my world flipped upside down. My heart raced and my body burned for her. Everything about our night in Florida rushed back and I could’ve happily replayed every moment with her. And then this whole baby thing smacked me in the face and everything changed.

I was scared.

I was angry.

I was confused.

I was overwhelmed.

I was in denial.

I’m still a lot of those things, but when push comes to shove, I’m attracted to Tatum, and not just in a sexual way. Yes, her body is a man’s wonderland, there’s no denying that. She’s even more beautiful to me knowing it’s my child she’s carrying inside her. But there’s so much more I want to know about her. I want to know all about her. Every detail she’s willing to share.

“I think if I had my way, I would entertain the idea of being with her. Maybe.” I shake my head. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m stupid for thinking that. I knocked her up and then she disappeared from my life. She can’t possibly be interested.”

Colby caps my shoulder. “You’re not stupid for having those thoughts at all, man. I think you’re pretty normal. You clearly like her. She’s all you’ve talked about for months. Don’t push that away because of what you think you might know but really have no idea.”

__

Christmas sucked.

I wasn’t able to see Tatum while she was with her family, nor did she think it was a good idea to introduce me just yet. Given my popularity and umm, reputation for playing the field, she didn’t want to put a damper on anyone’s holiday. I guess I understand but I wish I could’ve told her family that I’m in this one hundred percent. I wish I could’ve looked her father in the eye and told him I plan to be there every step of the way from here on out with his daughter.

Hopefully I’ll get that chance in the near future. Before the baby comes.

Once her time with family was over, Tatum did something for me I never expected her to do and I’m pretty damn sure it’s going to completely rock my world. Though we’re only days away from the end of the year, she secured an extra ultrasound with her doctor so I could see the baby she’s been watching grow inside her for the last seven months. I don’t even care that her insurance doesn’t cover it. I’m more than ecstatic to pay for it. When she told me she made the appointment and asked if I would be available, I almost fucking cried.

After all this time, she went and did something nice like this for me?

Hell yes, I want to see our baby.

But at the same time, I am nervous as fucking hell.

Everything becomes very real today. Real for me.

We should be at about thirty weeks by now and from the app I downloaded online our baby should be roughly the size of a pineapple and should weigh about two and a half to three pounds.

A pineapple.

Tatum has a pineapple inside her that has my DNA.

The thought absolutely blows my mind.

“You know I could’ve taken the L into town and met you,” she says when she answers her door.

“Like I would ever make you take the train. Do you know how many germs are on that thing?”

She juts her hip out, her hand on her side. “Do you know how many germ-infested children I spend eight hours a day with five days a week?”

She has a point.

“Fair.” I shrug. “But then I wouldn’t have been able to bring you these.” She smiles when I hand her the bouquet of yellow and pink roses. “Uh, I wanted to get you tropical ones like we would’ve seen in Key West but it’s wintertime in Chicago sooo they’re not exactly in season, I guess. The colors were bright though and they reminded me of you so…”

“Thank you, Dex. They’re beautiful. Let me put them in water quickly before we go.”

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” she asks from the kitchen where I follow her, watching her from the doorway.

“Something’s wrong. What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well? We can reschedule the—”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m fine.”

I narrow my eyes further, studying her mannerisms. She’s not walking like she’s in pain, but she’s also not as animated as I’ve seen her before and that makes me nervous. When I don’t budge from the doorway, she sets her vase down on the counter and finally makes eye contact.

“I’m just nervous. That’s all.”

“What are you nervous about? Is there something to be nervous about?”

“No. Not at all. Everything is fine. It’s just a thing with me, I think, but every time I go in for an ultrasound my fears get the best of me and I’m scared there will be something wrong with the baby.”

I’m away from the doorway in an instant, wrapping my arms around her whether she wants me to or not. The need to let her know she’s not alone overpowering any other train of thought. “How many ultrasounds have you had?”

“Uh…three? Four maybe?”

“And everything has been fine every time?”

“Yeah. There was just this one time about two months ago that the baby wasn’t moving much and it freaked me out and I ended up in the doctor’s office sobbing that something was wrong and baby was just asleep.” She shakes her head, embarrassed.

“The doctor did a quick ultrasound and assured me everything was okay, but that doesn’t change the fact that something can always go wrong. No pregnancy is guaranteed. My mother had several miscarriages between my siblings and me. Pregnancy complications come up all the time. It’s always a possibility.”

I can feel her tension in my arms and I ache to make it better for her. A pang of guilt shoots through me that I never considered the fear and trepidation Tatum must be experiencing on a regular basis and that she’s had to do it all alone. New mothers maneuver through more ups and downs during a pregnancy than those of us without a uterus can possibly comprehend. Sharing their bodies to bring life into this world is scary shit. I should’ve known she might be nervous. I’m nervous and I’m not half the superhero she is.

Releasing her body, I tip her chin with my finger. “Hey. Look at me.”

Her ocean blue eyes meet mine. “Everything is going to be fine. I’ll be right by your side and I promise I won’t leave you, alright? I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I’m sorry I’ve missed so damn much, but I’m here now. We’ll cross the rest of these bridges together, wherever they lead us.”

She swallows and gives me a tiny nod and without hesitating, I lean forward and plant a kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking. It never dawned on me you might be nervous.” I smooth my hands down her arms. “But thank you for telling me. I want to know these things, okay? I want to be here for you.”

“Thank you, Dex.”

Trying to change the subject to something a little happier, I open the front door and ask, “So, do you know if it’s a boy? Or a girl?”

She chuckles softly and rubs her hand down her belly. “Nah, I decided I didn’t want to know unless I happened to see a blatantly obvious ultrasound. So far, when I’m looking at the screen, the baby has not been in a position for me to see. And besides, I don’t care what it is as long as it’s healthy.”

That stops me in my tracks as we head out the door. “Wait. You don’t want to find out what we’re having?”

“Why would I?”

“Because…uh…like, don’t we need to plan shit? Like pink or blue and what about names? What about nursery plans.” My brow furrows. “Where are you going to put that, by the way?”

Does she even have room for that here?

Maybe we should be looking for a new place.

A place for all of us?

Would she want that?

Should we live together even if we’re not together-together?

Tatum laughs. “Dex, I’m a month and a half from pushing this thing out of my vagina. There’s a crib set up in my second bedroom. It’s small, yeah, but it’ll do for now. And I have several bags of baby clothes all washed and ready to go. In neutral colors.”

“You really don’t want to know?” I open the passenger side door to my SUV and she slides in.

“You do?”

Yeah. Kind of.

I give her a nonchalant shrug before closing her door. “It’s whatever you want, I guess.”

___

“Ms. Lowe, if you’ll just follow me, please.” The nurse smiles from the doorway to the waiting room. She eyes me as I stand up and follow Tatum to her exam room and I see her brows furrow in confusion.

“This is the baby’s father,” Tatum explains. “Dex Foster.”

The nurse’s expression changes completely and it’s clear she knows exactly who I am. Her smile grows and she shakes my hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Foster. And congratulations on your pregnancy.”

“Thank you.” I clear my throat. “Uh, I’m sorry I have to ask this, but everything here is confidential, right?”

Tatum looks at me, surprised that I’m asking but the nurse nods. “Yes, Sir. Patient confidentiality is something we take very seriously here.”

“I just uh…” I push my hand through my hair. “I want to make sure the press doesn’t get wind of my being here with Tatum. Not for my sake but for hers. I don’t want her to be bombarded by the media in these next few weeks if I can help it.”

“Not at all, Sir. I can promise you, nothing will come from this office whatsoever. But just between us, I’m a huge fan. Go Red Tails.” She winks with a smile and I somehow already feel a little more at ease. The nurse’s eyes fall to Tatum’s hand. She’s clearly looking for a ring that isn’t there and for some reason that makes my chest feel funny.

Tatum isn’t my wife, but now I wonder how many people will see us together over the coming weeks, and certainly once the baby is born, and assume we’re married. The idea of a wife and kids was never on my bingo card of life. I just assumed I would play hockey and randomly hookup with women whenever I wanted for the rest of my days. Now the idea of fucking an unfamiliar woman makes my stomach turn. It’s a weird sensation that I push out of my mind in order to be all in for Tatum’s appointment.

The nurse takes her vitals and then asks her to tuck her shirt under her bra and push her pants down just below her belly so there’s enough room to do an ultrasound. Seated on Tatum’s left, I look away at first, not sure of my place here as the man who put this child inside her but also a man she’s not currently with. I know it’s all for medical reasons, but it still feels a bit like I’m invading her privacy. When I turn back around, Tatum’s bare belly is on full display. As the technician squirts a weird jelly on her stomach and then turns on the ultrasound machine, Tatum slides her hand out from the exam table waiting for me to take it. Instinctively, I reach out and fold my warm hand over her cold skin, giving her hand a gentle squeeze to let her know I’m right here with her.

Though I’m pretty sure she’s holding my hand for me, not the other way around.

The machine the ultrasound tech uses looks like a small computer with a detachable wand and I watch as the technician slides it through the goop on Tatum’s stomach and across her abdomen. She’s quiet for a minute or two and then pushes a button near her computer that brings the speakers to life.

Our ears are filled with a constant whooshing sound.

Tatum smiles.

“Hear that?”

I nod. “Mmhmm.”

“That’s our baby, Dex.” She squeezes my hand tight. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”

That’s our baby.

That sound.

My new favorite sound.

Bells and sirens when the puck enters the net.

Buzzers at the end of periods.

The snapping of cameras from the press.

Commentary from sportscasters.

The sound of my skates on the ice.

The slapping of sticks when they hit the puck.

Cheers from fans.

Those are the parts of my job I’m used to hearing. Sounds I rarely think about during the day, but ones that fill me with endless excitement and joy.

But this…

The soft sound of my baby’s heartbeat.

This sound is on a whole new level.

There is nothing like it.

“Holy shit.” My words are a whisper as I watch the technician move the wand around Tatum’s stomach while soaking up the constant and quick little whooshing sound of the baby’s heartbeat. An unexpected wave of euphoria flutters through my chest, my hand over my heart as I catch my breath. “That’s our baby.”

“Yeah.” Tatum smiles.

“And here’s your baby, right here.” The technician points to the tiny body on the black screen that vaguely resembles a small human.

This is unreal.

“I can’t believe it. My little Tater Tot.”

A light burst of sweet laughter comes from Tatum. “Tater Tot.”

I snap my eyes to her. “Is that okay? I’m sorry. I can call it some—”

“No.” She shakes her head, her eyes watering. “It’s perfect.”

Tatum Lowe is carrying my child inside her. A child so small and perfect and unscathed by the cruel world around it. That we created something so perfect together in one night of unadulterated lust, a perfectness that will forever change our lives, blows my mind.

A baby!

My baby!

Our baby!

Swallowing a lump of emotions creeping up my throat, my eyes steal another glance at Tatum. Tears slip down her cheek and a wondrously breathtaking smile crosses her face as she watches the screen off to her right and it’s this moment right here, I want to preserve.

The moment I behold the mother of my child and know without a doubt in the world, I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. I’ll bend over backwards to protect her and our child at all costs.

They’re my life now.

I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

I know we don’t know each other beyond the bedroom, but there’s something inside that makes me feel at peace knowing our lives are forever woven together now.

We can do this.

I want to do this.

I want to do this with Tatum.

Taking her hand in my own, I give it a light squeeze and lean over to kiss her forehead. “Look at that, Tate. We did that. We made that.”

The black little blob kicks its leg on the screen and I gasp. “Holy shit!” I want so badly to place my hand on Tatum’s belly but it has goop all over it. “Can you feel that? Did the baby just kick you?”

The technician chuckles. “That was definitely a kick, yes. And I’m certain Mommy felt that one.”

Tatum giggles. “Yep. I most certainly did.”

“Do you guys know the sex of the baby yet?”

“No,” Tatum says. “And I kind of don’t want to know.”

The technician smiles. “Okay. Then I won’t try to get baby to move so we can see.”

“Thank you,” Tatum says, wiping a few tears from her cheek. “I think I just want it to be a surprise.” She squeezes my hand, looking over at me with a timid smile. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze right back.

Whatever she wants.

Whatever she needs.

The technician finishes her scans and prints us a picture of the next generation’s star hockey player, that’s what I’m calling him anyway. Holding the picture in my hand, I smile, remembering the moment Zeke showed us all Elsie’s ultrasound picture and how proud and excited he was to show her off.

“I can’t wait to show this to the guys. And Rory. Oh, my God, she’ll flip.” I turn back toward Tatum as she cleans herself up, my smile faltering. “She’s probably already seen one, hasn’t she?”

Tatum gives me a sympathetic look. “Yeah. She umm, she’s been with me for each one so far.”

Fucking Rory.

“I’ve never been so jealous of my sister in all my life.”

If only I had known.

“I’m so sorry, Dex.”

“No, don’t apologize.” I kiss the back of her hand. “None of this is your fault. Or mine. It just is what it is.”

“For what it’s worth, she’s been so great to have around. My strongest support person.”

“This does not surprise me, knowing my sister. But just so you know, if it comes to a choice between me or her to hold our baby, I will plow her down without regret to get to my kid.”

Tatum laughs. “I have no doubt that’s exactly what would happen.”

“In all seriousness though, you’ll have me, Tate. I promise you’ll have me for anything you need.”

She locks eyes with me for a moment and smiles, not saying anything. For a fleeting moment I fear she doesn’t want me to be here for her. Maybe she doesn’t want me involved and those thoughts bring on a whole new form of self-doubt and disappointment. I step across the room to reach for the door when she stops me.

“Hey Dex?”

“Yeah?” I turn around to see her head tilted, her smile fading. “You not feeling well?”

“I’m glad it’s you, Dex.”

“What?”

“If I had to have a kid with a random guy I barely know.” She shrugs lightly. “I’m really glad it’s you.”

Well shit.

I did not expect to hear that.

Nor did I expect my chest to tighten and my throat to close.

How does she take my breath away with just a few simple words?

Stepping towards her, I push my hand through her hair, bringing her forehead to my lips. I linger there just a little longer than I probably should, squeezing my eyes closed and remembering how she felt in my arms several months ago. And how she feels now.

“I’m glad it’s you too, Tatum.”