18|LETTING GO

‼️‼️‼️‼️ trigger warning: (mentions of homophobia, sexual assault, physical abuse, the loss of a child, etc.) please be mindful of your emotions & your mental health while reading this chapter. if at anytime you're feeling triggered, please close out of this book and take care of yourself. my dm's are open for each and every one of you if you need anything. be safe, lovely babies.

Gemma sits in her arm chair in the corner of her room, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. The girl felt safer that way, safe from the outside world, safe from herself. Her eyes flick outside past the open balcony doors, watching the trees sway as the wind swirls outside. The storm from the prior day hadn't yet ceased, though its only the darkened sky that's stayed present instead of the rain.

Her head snaps up whenever she hears soft footsteps tredding toward her room, the invasive scene of oranges filling her senses. She knows that it's Willow before the blonde even pokes her head into Gemma's room with a small smile. Odd, the Salvatore thinks to herself. Odd, that Willow looks hesitant; almost like she's walking on eggshells.

"Hey," Willow greets quietly. "You missed our session this morning, so I called Damon. He said you might need to talk."

Gemma doesn't reply but she does recoil slightly when Willow moves forward to sit on the edge of her bed, facing the female Salvatore's chair.

"Gemma, I'm not here as your therapist," she starts softly. "Unless you need me to be."

Gemma clears her throat, wincing at the ache. She hadn't talked since early last night when Damon found her in the bathroom. She couldn't bring herself to open her mouth, knowing that only nasty sobs would be the thing breaking free instead of her voice. "I don't, I don't know what I need."

"Do you know what triggered this?"

"This?" Gemma repeats. "What do you mean?"

"A depressive episode, Gemma." Willow looks at her, taken aback. "Damon said you'd been up all night, crying on and off. You won't eat anything, you won't let anybody in your room."

"The door's open."

"That's still not an invitation."

"I'm not depressed," Gemma admits. "Just... trying to adjust."

"To what?"

Gemma clasps her hands together, pressing her fingers against each other tightly. She didn't want to talk about this, she didn't want Willow looking at her with eyes full of pity while she spewed faux apologies; but she did want to get better. She didn't want to spend another century locked inside of her head, writhing in somebody else's guilt and wrongdoings. She wanted to be free.

"Last night..." The Salvatore exhales slowly, "last night, something happened with this man."

Willow nods, her eyes attentive.

"He, um, he grabbed my shirt. Like, near my chest and he was trying to take it off and—" Gemma's eyes sting with tears and she shakes her head frantically, her breath halting in her throat. "I tried to stop him, I said no, but he— he did it anyway. He ripped my shirt and I— I know for a fact he wasn't... he wasn't trying to do that, but it brought back, I couldn't— I can't, Willow, I can't!"

Willow springs off of Gemma's bed and falls to the floor in front of the Salvatore, wrapping her hands around Gemma's trembling ones. She squeezes tightly and moves her fingers upward, pressing her fingertips onto Gemma's pulse. "Slow breaths, Gemma. In and out."

"I...I can't."

Willow forces Gemma's hands forward and places them onto her own chest, making the Salvatore feel her sternum fall up and down steadily. "Copy me," Willow instructs. She holds Gemma's hands still, her eyes narrowed as she focuses on the quivering girl.

Gemma fists Willow's shirt between her hands as her chest falls more slowly, her lungs greedily accepting the air she had deprived them of.

"Are you okay to keep going?"

Gemmma pauses before answering, "yes. I...I need to."

Willow nods and moves back from Gemma, sitting down in her original spot. She gives the Salvatore an encouraging smile before settling into her expressionless face.

"He had me pinned down. I think he was trying to humiliate me more than anything, but it got the job done. I just froze. I just gave up."

"How did this happen?"

"Stefan... Stefan did something that made the man— Fredrick, really mad. Fredrick tried to hurt me to hurt Stefan. I don't know, it's— it's a long story."

"Gemma, you can press charges—"

"No, it's... it's taken care of, I promise."

"You said earlier that it brought back something. Do you wanna—?"

"Um," Gemma shifts, her eyes flicking to the doorway. She knew Damon was lingering, that he was waiting for her to call him in if she needed assistance. "Can you get Damon?"

"Stefan and Elena are here too," Willow informs the woman.

Gemma hesitates at that, her eyebrows furrowing. She was about to tell her story, the root of everything that made her into who she is. She was about to unload it all, free herself of every sin that wasn't hers to carry. Did she want Stefan and Elena there? Did she want to open up to more people that would inevitably just use it all against her?

"I don't have to get them, but I think it'd be beneficial for them to finally understand you. The more people that know, the more that you can reach out when you need help, Gemma." Willow gives the woman a reassuring look. "But it is your story. You get to choose who can hear it."

"You can..." Gemma inhales sharply, "you can bring them in too."

Willow stands from the bed and shuffles out of the room, Damon wasting no time in waltzing in after the blonde disappears downstairs. He forces himself into the armchair with Gemma, slinging an arm around her shoulder the best he can with the limited space. Gemma shifts around, giving him a look whenever half of her leg overlaps his.

"You sure you want to do this?" He murmurs, sending her a meaningful look.

Gemma gazes up at him with a vulnerable expression, her eyes cautious. "Not sure," she mumbles. It was the truth, after all. She wasn't sure she wanted the pair to know about her past, but she was sure she didn't want to be weighed down by the lies anymore.

"We can make a run for it, Gem. Right now if you want."

"It'll be okay," she whispers. "Let the truth set you free, right?"

Before Damon can reply, Willow re-enters with Elena and Stefan following behind her. The Gilbert's eyes study Gemma intently, her lips pulled into a small smile whenever the Salvatore manages to meet her stare.

"Okay, Gemma, whenever you're ready," Willow tells the woman. She sits down on Gemma's bed again with Elena beside her. Stefan lingers awkward at the end of the bed frame, his arms folded and his demeanor solemn.

"Um, I don't... I don't know where to start."

"How about when you first figured out you liked girls, hm?" Willow urges, her eyebrows raising. "That's when you and your father's relationship began to get strained, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Um, I guess..." She exhales heavily, shaking her head. "I always admired women when I was a little girl. I'd always watch my mother's friends as they got ready for a—an outing." Gemma clears her throat, flushing at the near slip up. "Not in the usual way though. I never admired them in the way that I wanted to be them. I'd always think that they were so pretty and that when I grew up, I wanted to be with someone as pretty as that. A few months after I turned twenty-one, this girl named Violet moved to town. We became close so quickly, like— like we couldn't stay away from each other. It was a little after Katherine came into the picture, none of us were so concerned with her yet, except Damon."

"Did your father know Violet's family?"

"No, he... he didn't know anything about her. I suppose that's why he kept such a close eye on us when we were together. That and—" Gemma's eyes dart up and she grimaces at the look on Stefan's face, his lips parted in what looks like realization. "That and because of something Stefan had mentioned in passing. It was a harmless joke, like I've said before, but I guess father had his suspicions."

"What did he do when he found out?"

"Nothing severe at first. A few homophobic comments here and there, maybe, um... he slapped me a few times whenever I'd talk back. The first time I visited a girl after he found out was the worst. He waited until the day after to confront me about it, like... like he was giving me this false sense of hope that he was okay with who I was. He cornered me in my room and—" Gemma swallows thickly, biting the inside of her cheek. Iron fills her mouth and she coughs, nodding in reassurance when Damon taps her shoulder. "He just said all of these mean, hateful things. He called me an abomination and a shame to our family name. That day was the first time he hit me with a closed fist. He busted my lip and his ring cut my cheek."

"I don't remember ever seeing that," Stefan says distantly, his eyes faraway.

"The first time Katherine and I ever interacted was when she helped me cover the bruises and cuts," Gemma continues, filling in Stefan's question. "It was... often that she and I had to meet up like that. The more I'd come to her, the angrier she'd get at father. We grew closer and closer. I'd spend the night in her room when I was afraid to run into father again. She'd linger next to me during the day so father couldn't catch me alone. She saved me from him."

"When did Leo come into the picture?" Willow asks.

"Father had first introduced me to Leo during a small party he was hosting. I thought it was just a friendly introduction but then father told me that Leo and I were to be... involved. I waited until we got home to protest the idea. He wasn't fond of my behavior."

"What did he do, Gemma?"

Damon tightens his hold on Gemma as she prepares to speak, her eyes watering as a bitter look takes over her face.

"He hurt me so badly that night," she whispers. "I can't remember how long the beating lasted. I think... I think I passed out at some point. I was aching everywhere. I was covered in blood, I was bleeding internally— or that's what I was told. He didn't hold back, that's for sure." She sniffles, "Katherine found me that night and she helped me again."

By help, Gemma means the girl gave her blood to heal her; to nurture her back to health. That's when the female Salvatore found out Katherine was a vampire. It didn't change how she felt about the Pierce, it only magnified it. The thought that something as magnificent as Katherine could take any kind of liking to her.

"It wasn't so bad with Leo at first," the woman confesses. "He was kind and patient with me, not that any of those qualities would've made him attractive to me. The very fact that he was a man was repulsive to me." She sees Elena crack a small smile at her words and she glances up at the girl, forcing a weak grin to send to the human. "It was a few weeks after we started dating that things changed. Behind closed doors, he was a completely different man. He was violent and forceful. He said crude things and made me feel like an object instead of a human being. He stopped me from seeing Stefan and Damon more often than not, and sneaking around with Katherine got harder and harder. The days he went off to work were such a Godsend. I spent them with Katherine, letting her wash away all of the things he said to me."

"Did he ever get physical with you?"

This is where Gemma pauses, this is where her heart drops. Leo was many things. Conjure up the very worst thing you can thing of, and he's done it. If Gemma didn't know better, she'd genuinely think the man was evil incarnate. His face haunts her in the most intimate of moments, and she's sure it always will. He made sure of it.

"Yes."

At the one word, the room falls silent. Nobody breathes, not a single person bats an eye. Gemma can tell they're all terrified of her response, sans Damon. He knows most of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the uglier. It's probably why he moves impossibly closer to her, giving her a look that screams, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

"He just slapped me around a few times," she says lightly. "Not like it was anything new. It was... it was after father started asking about grandchildren." Her voice shakes as her body involuntary shudders. She can't help the way her eyes gloss over, it's inevitable at this point. Her deepest, darkest secrets are coming to light. In front of the last person she'd want to know. Her eyes dart up to meet Elena's again, her lip wobbling at the girl's horrified expression. This was it, this was what she was afraid of. Elena's disgusted with her, the Gilbert wants absolutely nothing to do with her ever again because of how unclean she—

"Gem?" Elena calls softly, her doe eyes filling to the brim with unshed tears. "Peach, are you okay?"

Gemma closes her eyes, flushing red as she feels the tears finally spill over. Peach, peach, peach, pe—

"Gemma," Willow calls sternly. "Do you need to stop?"

"No," she stammers. "No, I'm.. I'm fine." She inhales deeply for a long second before folding her arms over her abdomen, curling into Damon's side. "Leo tried to get me to be intimate with him, but he knew. Father told him I liked girls, he told him he'd having to convince me to do the right thing. There was no convincing to it!" Her voice cracks, and her eyes are blown wide with panic. "He... he forced me. He made me do it, all the time. Almost every night, everytime he wanted to punish me for being an abomination."

Elena presses a palm to her mouth, a tear silently rolling down her cheek. Damon stays stock still by Gemma's side, his arm still wrapped around her protectively. Stefan, Stefan's reaction is what causes Gemma to let out a loud sob. Her sweet, little brother looks at her with a guilt-ridden expression. His eyes are red rimmed, and he's biting into his lower lip like he's trying to stop whatever choked sounds are building up in his chest. Gemma feels burdened with knowing she's hurt her brother, with knowing that she's forever changed the way he's viewed his father and who he called his brother-in-law.

"Let it out, Gem," Damon whispers soothingly. "That's it, you're done, you—"

"I'm not!" Her chest heaves as she cries, shaking her head furiously. "I can't... I didn't tell you this part, I couldn't. You'll hate me, Damon!"

"No," he says strongly. "I won't."

"Gemma," Willow begins tearfully. "Whatever it is, you can tell us. It won't change how any of us see you."

Gemma knows it will. What she did was utterly horrible. She's eaten up with guilt for it everyday.

"Before I—" Died. "—got into the accident, I... I was pregnant." Her hands cover her face and she shakes with the way sobs escape her chest. The silence in the room mocks her, curls itself around her and makes her feel small, unworthy, dirty. "I didn't say anything because I knew Katherine—" Was going to turn me. "—and I were supposed to leave together at some point. I... I hoped that something would happen to me. I knew there was no way to get rid of it, so I... I just dealt with it. I... I didn't want it to die, but I didn't want to have it either and I knew that father and Leo wouldn't let me give it up, I knew they'd make me keep it to punish me."

"Gemma, it wasn't your fault," Willow reassures her, her voice thick. "You didn't choose to be assaulted, you didn't choose to get pregnant, and you certainly didn't choose to get into an accident that resulted in the loss of the child. You are not to blame for any of this."

"But I... I didn't want it."

"Just because you didn't want to keep the baby doesn't mean you wanted something to happen to it," Willow voices. "It's perfectly normal for people who get pregnant as a result of rape to feel this way. It's also normal for some people to want to keep it. It's just a preference, I guess."

Gemma sinks further into Damon's arms, her gaze slowly trailing outside past the balcony doors. She's done talking for the day, it seems. Her energy is gone, and so is her willingness to keep talking about the past. Everything's out in the open and her family (plus Elena and Willow) can do what they want with the truth. It's not hers anymore, and it never will be again.

\\

not edited.

such a heavy chapter. i can assure you that from here on out, there will never be another chapter dealing with the inner most details of gemma's trauma. there will be therapy sessions between she and willow dealing with gemma's recovery, but this is the first and last time gemma will ever speak word for word what happened to her when she was human. these things are incredibly triggering for some people to read and i won't subject you guys to it more than i have to. thank you for being patient, thank you for reading, and thank you for loving gemma. all the love,

—madison.