It Hurts

RAINEY

I managed to catch a few winks last night. The surprise treat and note on my nightstand gave me a glimmer of hope, even though the single initial at the bottom wasn’t enough to confirm anything.

Five guys are sitting in front of me right now, each of their names starting with an ~A~.

Only three people in the world know that mint is my favorite flavor, but my dad could have easily spilled the beans to the boys, so my theory isn’t solid.

Plus, the handwriting didn’t match Ansel’s, which was a bummer.

I read somewhere that when you’re grieving, you might cling to any tiny hint that the person you lost is still alive.

I know my mind is playing tricks on me, but a part of me is convinced that the person who left that gift isn’t sitting at this table. I just need to prove it.

I clear my throat and stir my spoon in my chocolate tea. My dad glances at me, concern in his eyes, as he brushes crumbs off his fingers.

“Everything okay, princess?”

Melissa grins from the other end of the table. “Need more sugar?”

I shake my head gently. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

Austin sips his coffee, looking at my dad, and the table falls silent again.

I tuck my hands into my lap. “Did any of you leave an ice cream in my room last night?”

Riley looks at me, a spoon caught between her lips, and I watch as the boys stare back, clueless about what I’m talking about.

“Ice cream?” My dad’s eyebrows knit together as he wipes his hands on a napkin.

I nod. “Yeah. Someone left an ice cream on my nightstand last night.”

I scan everyone at the table, and they all seem equally baffled. But before I can confirm my suspicions, Alaric jumps in.

“Yeah. That was me.”

I look at him as he chews his food, his eyes locked on mine. “Did you like it?”

I don’t buy it. It wasn’t him. Alaric is a master at lying. He can look you dead in the eye and spin a tale so convincingly. It wasn’t him.

I force a smile, deciding to push a little further. “Yeah, I did. How’d you know strawberry’s my favorite flavor?”

He half-smiles, shrugging. “Just a guess.”

And I was right.

It wasn’t him. I can’t stand strawberry, and the flavor left in my room was unmistakably mint.

I drop my gaze back to my plate as my dad rests his hand on my shoulder. “Make sure you eat, Rainey. If you keep this up, we’ll have to see a doctor.”

“I’m eating,” I mumble, and Melissa sends a sympathetic smile my way.

“Good. You’ll need your strength. Remember, Jeff’s trial is today.”

“Oh yeah,” Austin snaps his fingers. “Shit, I can’t make it. I’ve got a ton of welding to do today.”

“That’s okay. I’ll be there for both of us,” Robert chuckles, and Austin smiles gratefully.

Today’s the day I’ve been waiting for since I was ten. Today Jeff and Greg will be sentenced.

My dad told me they turned themselves in, which is weird. They’re stubborn guys, so the fact they gave up without a fight is puzzling. But whatever made them do it, I’m thankful.

***

I pull on black dress pants and a black jacket over a lavender top. I swipe vanilla lip balm across my lips, then grab a brush and run it through my hair.

It’s starting to grow back, now reaching my collarbones, the ends framing my once round face.

Looking at myself in the mirror, all I see is a broken girl. A skinny, broken girl with dark circles under her eyes.

Using my index fingers, I pull up the corners of my mouth, watching my reflection mimic the action as I force a smile. Hopefully, I can keep up this charade for the day.

Sighing, I glance back at the nightstand, where the ice cream was left, and my eyes sting.

I saw his ashes. I saw his family mourn. It wasn’t a dream, so why can’t I let go?

I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know what to believe.

What was I hoping for? That his ghost left it there? God. I’m losing it.

I flop onto my bed, burying my face in my hands and letting the tears flow again. At this rate, I’ll run out of tears.

Sure, Ansel knew mint is my favorite, but Alaric could have just picked it up without thinking about the flavor.

And why would he lie? My theory is weak, and so is my heart.

I don’t have the strength to battle this heartache every day. Do I even have the strength to keep living?

The door creaks open, and I quickly wipe my eyes.

I look up to see Riley, dressed in a cream dress that hits her knees. Her hair is neatly braided in two cornrows, and she’s wearing nude ballet flats.

She presses her lips together, knowing I’ve been in here crying my eyes out. “The boys are ready, and Marco’s waiting to take us to court.”

I nod, standing up and pulling my jacket tight.

She gives me a once-over, smiling warmly. “You look nice.”

I try to smile back but fail miserably. Her face softens in sympathy, and she opens her arms wide as she walks over to me.

My lips tremble as she hugs me, and I cry into her shoulder as she rubs my back.

“It’s okay.” Her chin rests on my shoulder, her voice cracking. “It’s okay, Rain. Everything will be fine, okay? It’ll be fine.”

I wish I could believe her. I wish everything could be fine. But it can’t. Not without Ansel.

***

As the car pulls away from the penthouse, I watch the trees blur by. Riley left with Alex, and the twins are heading to Crossview Family Court with Alaric.

I can’t put into words how much it means to me that the boys are all dressed up in dress shirts and black pants. Even though none of them are wearing ties and Arden is the only one with his shirt tucked in, their effort to be there for me fills my heart.

My dad, sitting next to me in the back seat, notices my far-off look. “You okay, kiddo?”

I nod, and he gently strokes my hair.

“Sure?”

“Yeah. Can we stop at Miranda’s?”

He leans back, surprised. “Why? She can find her own way to court.”

“I need to talk to her first.”

“All right,” he agrees. “Marco, we’re going to my ex-wife’s place first.”

“Yes, sir.”

The rest of the ride is quiet. I can tell my dad wants to say something comforting, but he doesn’t. And I’m glad. The more people talk about Ansel, the more upset I get. I’m just trying to hold it together. At least until I get back home.

Soon, the car pulls up to my mom’s house. Looking at it, I’m hit with a wave of nostalgia. Not a desire to be back here, but a longing to see Ansel again.

Memories of him coming by to pick me up or check on me flood my mind, and I swallow hard before opening the door and stepping out.

My dad looks at me. “Don’t take too long.”

“You’re not coming in?” I ask, resting a hand on the open door.

He waves a hand dismissively. “No. Can’t stand to see her.”

I manage a small smile as I turn away, then hear movement behind me. I look back to see him getting out of the car, adjusting his jacket.

“I’m coming. I don’t want her filling your head with nonsense.”

I laugh softly. “I’m not easily brainwashed, Dad. You know that.”

He pats my back. “Yeah, I know.”

We walk up the steps, and I ring the doorbell while my dad looks around. Miranda opens the door soon after.

Her eyebrows furrow, and she looks between us, confused by our unexpected visit.

But that’s not the only thing I notice. She looks unwell. She’s lost weight, and her eyes are noticeably sunken. A pang of sympathy hits me, and I sigh.

“Can we come in?”

She nods, her lips pressed together, and steps aside to let us in. She’s already dressed in a blue pantsuit, her long black hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.

As my dad and I sit on the living room couch, she clasps her hands and lowers her head. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, we won’t be here long.” My dad sits down, rubbing his thigh out of habit. “We all need to be in the ~courtroom~ soon.”

I notice the emphasis he puts on the word ~courtroom~, and Miranda must notice it too, because her face falls, the bags under her eyes making her look even more tired.

She sits on the single chair across from us, rubbing her sweaty palms together.

“Rain…I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything.” She can’t meet my eyes as she says this, instead looking at the brown rug between us. “I’ve been a terrible mother.”

“Ha,” Robert scoffs. “You sure have.” He taps his finger on his knee, glancing at the small paintings on the walls.

“I’ve let you down.” She sniffs, wiping her nose with her hand.

Tears stream down her cheeks and pool at her chin, and she wipes them away with a shaky finger. “I’m so sorry. I’ll accept my punishment. I deserve it.”

My sympathy for her grows. Despite her years of neglect, she’s still my mother.

And even though she’ll never love me as much as I love her, seeing her punished by the law won’t make me feel better. It won’t make me happy.

I sigh, resting my elbows on my knees. “I came here to tell you not to come to the courtroom.”

My dad looks at me, surprised. He uncrosses his legs and looks at my mother, then back at me. “What are you saying, Rain?”

“I’m trying to show Miranda that even though we share the same blood, I’m nothing like her,” I say, and she looks at me, her lips trembling.

“I’m not the monster she’s made me out to be. I wouldn’t stand by and watch the people I love suffer, like she’s watched me suffer for years.”

Guilt washes over her face, and I keep talking.

“I’m different from her. She painted me as the villain, but the real villain was staring back at her in the mirror all along.

“I’m setting you free, Miranda. You can disown me if you want. From now on, you can live your life without worrying about a delinquent like me ruining your image.

“From now on, I’m giving you the chance to live as if you never had a daughter.

“If we run into each other in the future, feel free to ignore me. I won’t be hurt. I think I’ve become immune to your neglect by now.

“I need to let you go. It’s what my soul needs to break free. Just move on…without me.”

My dad’s face softens, and he sighs, reaching out to rub my back.

My mom tears her gaze away from me, burying her face in her hands as she sobs uncontrollably.

“I’m so sorry, Rainey. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me…” Her cries echo in the room as she chokes on her tears. “I’m so sorry.”

I should be crying too, but the tears just won’t come. Maybe they’re saving themselves for tonight, when I’ll have another one of those crying spells.

I get up from my seat and go to her, squatting down to wrap her in a hug. I gently pat her back, and my dad watches us, his eyes glistening.

“I forgive you,” I say. “I won’t forget, but I forgive you.”

She cries even harder at this, and I comfort her as best as I can. I need to cut ties with her.

It won’t mend my broken heart, but at least I can say I’ve faced another part of my painful past, and for that, I’m content for now.

After Miranda finally calms down into a worn-out mess, my dad and I leave the house to head back to the car.

As we get in, I feel his brown eyes on me, and I meet his gaze, my shoulders slumping in apology.

“You’re mad.”

He smiles. “I’m not mad. I’m proud of you. You made a good choice, Rainey.” He leans over to kiss my head, and I manage a small smile.

I think so too.

***

“Mr. Jeff Cory Anderson, you are being charged under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, Section 8…

“…For the sexual touching and interference of Rainey Syeda Slate from the ages ten to fourteen, menacing in the second degree…

“…And the physical assault in the second degree with the intent of rape of the said victim…

“…Alongside the third-degree rape and sexual battery in 2006 of Elena Felicia Mansfield, who was thirteen at the time, while you were nineteen years of age…

“…And the aiding and abetting of sexual assault done by Greg Hosea Taylor to Rainey Syeda Slate and Elena Felicia Mansfield.

“Charges are also being made for the injury of Elena Felecia Mansfield during the sexual battery and physical harm made to the victim’s body.

“You are being sentenced to life in prison for said felonies, with no possibility of parole.”

The elderly judge bangs his gavel, finalizing his decision.

Riley smiles at me as my dad pulls me into a side hug, kissing the top of my head in triumph.

I glance over at the other victim, Elena Mansfield, and she’s already watching me with a soft smile, grateful for the freedom I’ve given her.

She looks away when a woman who seems to be her mother pulls her into a hug.

“Mr. Greg Hosea Taylor…”

The bailiff pulls Greg to his feet, and he stumbles up with his hands cuffed, keeping his head down as the judge reads out his sentence.

“You are being charged under The Sexual Offences Act 2003, Section 8 for the sexual touching and interference of Rainey Syeda Slate at the age of ten…

“…Alongside the third-degree rape and sexual battery in 2006 of Elena Felicia Mansfield, who was thirteen at the time, while you were twenty-one years of age…

“…And the aiding and abetting of sexual assault done by Jeff Cory Anderson to Rainey Syeda Slate and Elene Felecia Mansfield.

“Charges are also being made for the injury of Elena Felecia Mansfield during the sexual battery and physical harm made to the victim’s body.

“You are being sentenced to life in prison for said felonies, with no possibility of parole.”

The courtroom erupts in applause as the judge bangs his gavel again.

Two bailiffs each grab the men’s arms and lead them from behind the wooden bar and toward the side exit of the courtroom.

Greg avoids looking in my direction as they push him through the exit, but Jeff’s eyes find me, and he stops, staring at me menacingly.

I shift in my seat, lifting my chin with a smug smirk on my face. His lips slowly curl into a half-smile, and mine wavers.

“You know, your boyfriend came to visit me in the hospital the other day,” he begins, and I tense up at the mention of Ansel, fighting back the emotions that threaten to surface.

“He told me that I should turn myself in. Do you know what he said? ‘Being in prison is a lot better than being dead.’

“Can’t say he wasn’t right. But guess who’s the better one? I’ll be in prison for life, but he’s six. Feet. Under.” He laughs. “I get the last laugh.”

His words hit me hard, and my eyes well up with tears.

“Keep moving, you asshole,” Alex threatens, while my dad wraps his arms around me, pressing his lips to my head. “Don’t listen to him.”

“You better get moving,” Alaric warns, “or this courtroom will have blood on its floors.”

“Keep moving.” The bailiff pushes Jeff forward, and he keeps his cocky gaze on me until he’s out of sight. The brothers all look furious, seething after his departure.

“He’s a jerk. I hope he doesn’t last a day in jail,” Riley mutters, then looks at me sympathetically. “Don’t listen to him.”

While my dad rubs my shoulders, I stare at a piece of lint on my pants to hide my tears. Maybe what he said was all I needed to wake up. Ansel is gone. That’s the reality. And I need to accept it.

***

While my dad chats with the judge, who happens to be an old friend, Riley and I, along with the boys, leave the stuffy courtroom and head toward the parking lot.

I lag behind as Jeff’s words replay in my head for the hundredth time since he said them.

~“Your boyfriend stopped by the hospital the other day. Told me I should turn myself in.~

~“He said, ‘Prison’s better than being dead.’~

~“Can’t argue with that. But look who’s laughing now? I’ll be locked up for life, but he’s six feet under. I get the last laugh.”~

Justice is mine, but it feels like a hollow victory. Losing Ansel feels like losing everything. Nothing else matters without him.

A hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts. Alex is smiling down at me. “You’re moving at a snail’s pace.”

I realize I’ve fallen behind. Everyone else is a few feet ahead, probably waiting for me. Alex’s grin is unsettling.

Ansel is gone, and Alex is smiling like it’s the best day of his life. I can’t understand their way of grieving. It feels like I’m the only one truly suffering.

I shrug off his hand, and his eyebrows furrow as I step back, brushing my hair out of my face. The wind immediately blows it back into my eyes. I cross my arms.

Alex sighs, shoving his hands in his pockets. “What’s up, Rainey?”

“What’s up?” I scoff, shaking my head. “You’re asking me that, Alex? I should be asking you. What the fuck is wrong with you guys?”

Everyone starts to approach me as I let loose.

“You guys don’t seem to give a damn that Ansel’s dead, and it’s pissing me off. I’ve been trying to understand you, because I know people grieve differently, but I’m at my wit’s end.

“I feel so alone, so empty. It’s like I’m the only one who feels this way!”

Arden reaches for my arm, but I pull away. “You guys are laughing it up all the time, like life’s never been better! Do you even care?

“Am I too weak? Too sensitive? I don’t get it. You all seem perfectly fine, and I’m just this broken girl who cries every day.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind, and you all are just so damn calm and collected!”

“It’s not like that, Rainey,” Alaric says, and I frown.

“Then what is it like?” I turn to him, and he sighs. “You bought me a mint ice cream, Alaric—~mint~ ice cream—and told me it was strawberry!

“It wasn’t freaking strawberry, you idiot! It was mint! MINT!”

He opens his mouth, then closes it, and Aiden decides to speak instead.

“We just grieve differently, that’s all. We’re sorry if we made you feel alone, Rain. We love you, and we’re all in this together.”

I bury my face in my hands and start to cry. Riley tries to hug me, but I pull away.

“I want to be alone.”

I turn and walk away, heading for the exit gates.

***

I feel like I’ve been walking forever when I finally sit down on a park bench in Crosshill.

The evening is cool. Families are gathered on the green lawns, and kids are playing on the cemented pathway.

I look up at the evening sky, wondering where Ansel is now and if he can see how lost I am without him. My life didn’t make sense until he came into it.

From the moment we locked eyes in my locker mirror, everything changed. My life got better. But now he’s gone, and I don’t know what to do.

I hang my head, and tears start to fall again. I’m surprised I have any left. The pain gets worse every second, like his death just happened.

It’s hard to live with the guilt that someone died to protect you. My worst fear came true: Ansel died because of my problems.

In the middle of my crying, I feel a gentle pat on my shoulder.

I look up, tears streaming down my face, and see a little girl standing in front of me. She’s dressed in a cute pink dress, her black hair in two long pigtails.

I sniff and quickly wipe my eyes, looking around for her parents. “Um…hi.”

She smiles and hands me a small piece of paper. I take it, confused, and unfold it. It’s a note.

~You are most beautiful when you smile.~

The words are written in messy blue crayon. I smile genuinely as I look back at her. “Thank you for giving this to me.”

She shakes her head, and I raise an eyebrow.

“It wasn’t me. That guy over there told me to give it to you.” She points to her left, and I follow her finger, but there’s no one there.

I look back at her. “There’s no one there.”

“He must have left.” She puts a finger in her mouth, and I narrow my eyes in thought before giving her a small smile.

“Thanks anyway.”

She nods, then runs over to a group of people on the lawn. I watch her suspiciously as she sits on the blanket and continues to draw in her notebook.

I read the words on the small piece of paper again. ~You are most beautiful when you smile.~ Strangely, these seven words comfort me.

There’s no way a five-year-old could come up with such a profound phrase.

As I stare at it, a strange thought crosses my mind. What if Ansel told her to give this to me? I shake my head. I must be going crazy. I need to stop this.

I look around before biting my lip and reading the words again. Could I be being watched?

The realization that a man had sent the little girl to me meant someone had seen me crying. But who? Could it be Ron Moretto?

My phone buzzes in my jacket pocket, startling me. I pull it out and see my dad’s name lighting up the screen. I take a deep breath before answering.

“Hello?”

“Where are you, Rainey?” His voice is a mix of worry and anger.

I glance around, even though I know exactly where I am. “Crosshill Park.”

“Stay there. Marco’s coming to get you.”

***

As Marco drives me home, I watch the dark clouds gathering overhead. Birds dart across the sky, hurrying to find shelter before the rain starts.

I lean my head against the window. “So much for spring.”

Marco catches my eye in the rearview mirror. “What was that, Rainey?”

I shake my head. “Nothing.”

“Your dad said he had to stop at Collins Merchandise Enterprise. He had some documents to sign.”

I nod. “Okay.”

Rain starts to hit the windows, and I close my eyes. But that was a mistake. Memories of the day I promised to stay away from Ansel flood my mind.

We were standing outside his house in the rain, him begging me not to leave.

I thought keeping my distance would be best for both of us, but I couldn’t do it. And now I’m paying the price.

I hate myself for going after Ron Moretto and causing Ansel’s death. I hate that I walked into a perfect home and destroyed it—destroyed them. They were fine without me. ~He~ was fine without me.

A sniffle draws Marco’s attention to the rearview mirror. He sees me crying in the back seat, but he doesn’t say anything. He just keeps driving.

In the silence, the demons in my head start to whisper, offering me a way to be with Ansel again.

~Kill yourself~, they say. ~You’ll see him again.~

I’ve never been weak, and I’ve never thought about suicide, no matter how hard life got. But now I feel so alone, so empty. Like there’s nothing left to live for.

Some people might call that weak, but they’ve never been in my shoes.

There’s a hole inside me that only one person can fill. Maybe listening to those demons wouldn’t be such a bad idea…right?

***

By the time Marco pulls up to the penthouse, the rain has stopped. I walk into the living room to find the King boys and Riley watching a movie.

They all look up when I come in, and I manage a small smile. “Hi.”

They all smile back, and I let out a sigh of relief. After the way I yelled at them, I thought they’d hate me.

“Cool down?” Alaric asks with a smirk.

I smile back. “I’m sorry about what I said. I know everyone grieves differently.”

“It’s okay.” Alex grins. “You’re pretty badass when you’re mad.”

They all laugh, and I smile. I grab a fluffy white pillow and hug it to my stomach. “So…what are we watching?”

Arden pumps his fist in the air. “Yes! ~Reborn of the Mafia Lord~, please!”

“No way. I’ve seen that a million times. Don’t torture me.” Alaric rolls his eyes, and Riley laughs.

“Let’s watch a romance. ~The Fault in Our Stars~.”

“Hell no.” Alex cringes. “That sounds cheesy.”

“Let Rainey pick.” Aiden turns to me. “What do you want to watch, Rain?”

It takes me a moment to realize he’s talking to me. I blink and force a smile. “Anything’s fine, I guess.”

“Yeah, ~Reborn of the Mafia Lord~ it is!” Arden grabs the remote from the coffee table, while Alex tries to grab it back.

I watch them with a small smile. What better way to leave this world than spending my last moments with these wonderful people?

I can’t say my life was meaningless. Meeting them was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I’m grateful.

***

~To everyone I’m leaving behind,~

~I never thought I’d be writing a suicide note. I never thought I’d be this selfish. I don’t even know how to write this.~

~But I guess I can start by saying, I don’t feel like I deserve to live when my recklessness caused someone else’s death.~

~That bullet didn’t kill Ansel. I did. If I hadn’t rushed in that day, if I hadn’t taken matters into my own hands, Ansel King would still be alive.~

~He was everything to me. He taught me what love is, what it feels like to be loved. He made my darkest days brighter, and even though he saw my deepest scars, he never judged me.~

~His death is my fault, and I can’t live with that. The guilt is too much. It’s eating away at me every second of every day.~

~It hurts, and it won’t stop. Not until I make things right.~

~I love you all, and I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry I’m leaving you.~

~I think this is the fairest thing to do, and I hope you’ll understand someday. I don’t know what else to say…except that I love you.~

~—Love, Rainey~

By the time I’m done with the letter, the page is speckled with heavy teardrops. I set it on my nightstand, puffing out my cheeks.

It’s a selfish choice, but if I don’t do this, I’ll likely end up a crazy eighteen-year-old. I’d rather not stick around to see that happen.

So, this is it. I’ll see him soon…very soon.

With a firm nod, I rise and stride over to the clear wall. I grasp the handle of the glass door nestled next to it.

The chilly night air hits my face as I slide it open, and I draw in a sharp breath as I step barefoot onto the balcony. Looking down at the distance below, I let out a breath through my nose.

~Can I really do this?~

Before I can second-guess myself, I grab the bars of the thin railing and climb over, standing on the small ledge between the railing and…~nothing.~

The wind tosses my hair as I look down at the long stretch of concrete below. It doesn’t seem far enough, and I might survive the fall with just a few broken bones.

I chew on my lip and climb back over, gazing up at the rooftop above.

Conveniently, the penthouse has a ladder that extends from the ground to the roof.

Brushing my hair back, I place one foot on the first rung, then grab hold and steadily climb to the top.

Reaching the wide, vacant surface, I lift my gaze to the sky. The stars seem closer from up here, and the air is bitingly cold.

I walk to the far edge of the barren space and look down. The ground is terrifyingly distant, and fear starts to creep in. I stay put, closing my eyes and thinking of Ansel.

~Just think of him, and you’ll be able to do this.~

His face comes to mind. His mesmerizing eyes, his deep dimples, and the way his perfect lips curve gently when he smiles.

A flood of memories follow his vivid image. Our shared glance in my locker mirror. Our first evening bike ride. His care for me when I was ill.

Our first kiss. Our first night together. And the most heart-wrenching one: when he looked at me with those vacant eyes before tumbling off that cliff.

Everything rushes back. Tears slide down my face, and I squeeze my eyes shut.

~He fell from a cliff, so it’s only fitting that I die the same way. I must be making the right choice. My soul will finally be at peace.~

~This is it…~

I’m about to step off when a hand suddenly grabs my arm, yanking me back and against a solid chest. I gasp for breath, and my heart skips a beat when I catch his scent. ~Ansel.~

His ragged breath hits my face as he breathes heavily, holding me tight against him, his heart pounding against my back.

“What the hell are you doing, Rainey?” His voice is strained, and I open my wide, tear-filled eyes, my body trembling with fear.

~W-what…?~

Suddenly, I’m spun around, and my eyes lock with those two familiar orbs, the ones that haunt my dreams, the ones I’ve missed so much. It’s him: ~Ansel.~

My lips part, and my eyes are wide and frantic as tears stream down my face. His eyes are clear as he pulls the hood of his black pullover off his head.

He places a hand on my cheek, and a tear rolls down his. “Do you want to drive me insane? What—what were you about to do?”

My mind goes blank, and I try to speak, but my trembling lips just open and close. Cupping the back of my neck, he presses his lips to mine, silencing me as our tears mix together.