Forty-Seven

There were voices traveling down the hall as I woke up. I could make out Jeanie and James's, but I couldn't completely hear what they were saying. The door was shut, and I was lying on my bed. My clothes from the concert were still on, but my shoes were off, and I could tell my lipstick was smudged off.

Blinking my eyes open, I glanced at the door as it opened. Jeanie and James's voices were louder and clearer now, but I was more focused on Rick entering with a washrag in his hand. When he saw me try to sit up, he turned on the lights and whispered, "How's your head?"

Reaching up, I felt a bump on the side of my head. It hurt when I touched it, but it was fine. "It's fine."

"Good," he smiled. Sitting on the side of my bed, he folded the washcloth and placed it on my forehead after he pushed me back down on the bed. "Give your head a moment to catch up. You remember what happened, right?"

Whining, I flopped my arm over my eyes. "I fucking passed out at the stupid concert."

"And do you know why you passed out?"

"Why do you have to be like this right now?"

"Mel," he scolded.

"Because I wanted to play, and I thought I could, and I was doing fine. The fatigue just bitch slapped me, and now I'm here."

Chucking to himself, Rick patted my arm. "At least you're alive. That's what really matters."

"Is the whole band here?"

"No, just James. Nate called us, and we called Devon for you. He's out there with Jeanie and James right now."

"How pissed is he?"

"Devon or James?"

"Devon's pissed at me?"

"No, just a bit disappointed. James... Jeanie is still trying to calm him down."

"Oh, God," I whimpered, covering my face now with both my hands. I felt Rick stand up from the bed and walk to the door, opening it more.

"This is exactly what I was worried about happening with her," James ranted.

This was going to be it. He was pissed that I didn't take care of myself enough, and now he was going to fire me, because I made a fool of myself, thus making a fool of the band, and now he was going to have to work hard to regain their reputation.

"I knew she was sick, and yet I still let her up there. I should have pushed back harder, told her not to go on."

"She wouldn't go through with it," Jeanie said. "She marches to the beat of her own drum."

Though I could hear Devon snicker, James scolded her. "This is no time to be making puns."

"Look, I have been the same way for as long as I can remember. I am always pushing myself further beyond my limits for the sake of others. I jeopardized my relationship with Mel, because I put my work before her. I knew I was going to have work even harder than all my male YouTube gamer counterparts because, I'm a woman. I have to fight to become an equal to them.

"Mel is doing the same thing right now. She's pushing herself beyond her limits to prove that she is a drummer and worthy of people's times. She's younger than all of you, and she hasn't known you all as long as the rest of you have. She's the new kid, and she is trying her hardest to fit in. She feels the need to work even harder than everyone else to become an equal."

"She doesn't need to do that, though," James groaned. "There is a reason why we hired her. She's an incredible drummer, and I knew she was going to be worth having around. She is the perfect drummer for our band. She doesn't have to work as hard as everyone else."

"Doesn't she though?"

"No, she doesn't."

Jeanie understood. Even if James couldn't and was mad at me, she knew why I had to push myself. She knew why I couldn't just cancel the show. She understood what I was going through, because she had been there time after time. She knew why I needed to prove myself, why I had to make my presence known. It may have been an idiotic move to put my health at risk, but when I was playing, I thought I was fine. I really thought I was making the right choice. It didn't matter if it fell apart quickly. I still planned to tell him I was at my limit. I just reached it before I could say anything.

"I don't want her to feel like she needs to hurt herself to be part of this band. I don't want her to feel like she has to put us before her. I know I fucked up with accepting so many concerts, I know it, okay?" James rambled. "I'm trying to make our name known as well. I am trying to get us out there, and I thought we'd be able to handle it." He sighed. "I forgot in the moment that she's still in high school. She has school five days a week and has to wake up early every damn morning. And I'm preventing her from getting the rest she needs."

"James," Devon chuckled, "you fucked up."

"Thanks," he bit.

"But I can tell you for a fact that Mel didn't see it that way at all. In fact, she found it to be the best news of her life."

"Yeah. Right."

"No, he's right," Jeanie chirped. "Mel was so excited. She loves to play. She plays for hours on end on her own. It's the best thing ever for her. Drumming is her life. The fact she'd get to do it every weekend for a few weeks with her own band in front of actual people was her living her dream."

"She just forgot that in order to live out her dream, she had to take care of herself in the meantime. She picked up some nasty habits to keep her awake and energized, and that wasn't the most healthy choice she made. But she wouldn't trade these past few weeks for anything in the world," Devon explained. "Now she'll know for next time."

"It's all about learning," Jeanie added.

I was getting sick of listening to them talk about me (despite the fact that everything they said was true) and wanted to defend myself in person. Standing up from the bed, Rick walked behind me to make sure I'd be alright on my feet. When I entered the living room, everyone stopped talking and faced me.

Devon was the first to run up to me and hug me tightly. I hugged him back just as tight and kissed his jaw. "I'm sorry I worried you," I whispered.

"Don't do this again," he whispered back.

I pulled away from the hug, but Devon kept his arm wrapped around me. Jeanie smiled reassuringly at me, but James kept his disappointed glare at me. I deserved it, though. I disappointed everyone in the room, even if they weren't showing it.

I didn't feel guilty for continuing to play. I felt more guilty over passing out and ruining a song and the show, but not for continuing to play. I knew my limits, and I knew I still had it in me to play. I crashed sooner than I thought, and I had every intention to signal James into letting him know I was at my limit. I just didn't get the chance to prove it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Alright."

He nodded firmly. "I should head out then."

"I'll walk you out," I insisted. I even walked barefoot outside to prove I was okay. Really, I just wanted to talk to him.

James didn't say anything as he walked to his car, and I didn't know what I should start with. Before opening the driver's door, he turned to me and asked, "Do you feel like you need to prove yourself to us?"

That was what was most on his mind? "Shouldn't we all be proving ourselves to this band?"

"I mean, yeah, sure, but you specifically. Do you feel like you need to prove yourself in the sense that you need to overwork yourself and-"

"Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like a bad thing." I chuckled. "I mean, yeah, I feel like I have to work harder than everyone else to prove I'm worth being your guys' drummer, but that's a normal thing to feel when you're the new kid in the band."

"You don't have to feel that way."

"James," I tsked, "I just turned eighteen almost three months ago. I'm still in high school, and out of everyone in the band, I know your girlfriend the best. The three of you have known each other for a long time. You're all familiar with each other, just like you were with Tim. He's gone now, and I'm here. I have to prove that despite not knowing you guys well and not being completely in synch with you all yet that I am worth having in your band. I have to keep proving it until it's a known fact that I am the best drummer for this band."

"Don't you think we already know that?"

"I think you know it well enough to say it," I replied. "Not enough to mean it completely."

"How much doubt do you have in yourself?"

"As a drummer, none. I know my worth, and I know I'm incredible. That's why I need to prove it to this band. I have to work hard to keep my position."

"Mel, no one is trying to replace you. No one has even thought about replacing you. You are the replacement, remember?" he sassed as he slapped his hands on his waist. "Mel, we were trying to get rid of Tim months before he told us he was leaving the band."

My jaw dropped as I stared at him. "Seriously?"

"He was always late, and sometimes he was drunk. He never took the band seriously, and he told us multiple times that he had no intentions of going professional. He kept saying that if he were going to, it would be with a more serious band."

"What?"

"I know. He's an idiot," he huffed. "But you are dedicated to this band. Every day, you come in and you give it your all. We always know we can count on you to be at rehearsals on time, and we know you are going to give every concert your all. The problem is that you think that in order to give your all, you have to sacrifice yourself and your wellbeing, but all that does is cause problems for the rest of us."

I groaned. "I made a big mess tonight, didn't I?"

"You talked to Mark Davis tonight, right?"

I nodded.

"He understood what happened, and he was very disappointed as well."

"No doubt about that," I muttered.

"I like that you are constantly trying to show your worth and prove to us that we made the right choice, but Mel, please understand that we don't regret the choice. We need you to focus on yourself and take better care of yourself," he demanded.

I nodded. "I understand."

"Then please understand that this is not a punishment."

That didn't sound good.

"Our last concert for a while is going to be the New Year's party on campus. I told the others about what happened tonight and why we're taking a break after this show. We're not going to perform again until February."

"But that's a long time," I whimpered.

"I know. I don't like not performing either, but after these past few months, don't you think we all deserve a break? Don't you think we should take some time off, readjust to a new semester, and actually take some time to spend with the people we really love?"

"No, yeah, we deserve it," I sighed. "I'm just going to miss playing in front of people."

He smiled. "It's intoxicating, isn't it?"

"Completely addicting," I agreed. "But, no, you're right. I need the time to get some sleep and spend time with my friends. Especially my boyfriend. Who knows how long we'll have until he leaves for college."

"Take advantage of the time you have together," he advised, as he opened his car door. Before he could sit in the driver's seat, I hugged him from behind. He turned around and hugged me back.

"Just so you know, I planned to give you the signal after your ballad."

James laughed. "I have no doubt about that."