Forty-Two

There was no time to talk to Devon throughout the first half of my day. The time before each class period wasn't long enough for us to really talk about what I was feeling, and I needed to not be pressured by any time commitment. Lunch was forty minutes long, so I planned to take advantage of that. If we needed more time to talk after, I was willing to skip part of, or even all of, next period. I wouldn't want to do that to Devon, but he thankfully had his free period right after lunch. We could talk for an extra forty minutes if needed.

How was I supposed to start the conversation, anyway? Should I figure out what he thought of the night? Should I just jump right into the issue? My bigger concern wasn't how I was going to start it, rather how he was going to react. I didn't want Devon to beat himself up over it or anything, since I didn't blame him for any of it. It was literally just something that happened that we both wanted. It was consensual. It was fun. I'd do it again, but I wasn't ready to do it again. I needed to get to know Devon better, to feel more comfortable with that. I needed to feel better about myself and get myself into a sexual mindset in order to want to do it again. I wasn't there yet, but once I was, I'd love to.

Rather than sitting at the lunch table with our friends, I stood up and waited for Devon to enter. Buddy sat down and quirked an eyebrow. I nodded, and he nodded back before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Hey, Mel, would you like to join us?" Terry teased.

"No, Devon and I won't be staying long."

"Going off campus?" Brandi asked.

"No."

"Are you going to-"

"No," both Buddy and I stated.

"Whatever you planned to say, just don't," he demanded.

Devon walked up to our table and cocked an eyebrow at me. "Waiting for me to get lunch with you?"

Rather than say anything at all, I took his hand and led him out of the lunchroom. The music hallway was near the cafeteria. There were practice rooms for people to practice for choir, band, or orchestra. In the way back was the room that everyone in the music department knew as the 'hookup room.' Hookups in there became such a problem that they had to install a camera outside the room to shine in through the door's window. But it was still easy to hook up in there and be out of the camera's way. You just had to fuck on the floor.

When I turned to face Devon after shutting the door, I could tell he heard about the room. He was nervous and excited, as well as confused and disturbed, but I ignored it all. "We need to talk."

He nodded, still not saying anything.

Sliding down the door to the floor, I crossed my legs and said, "It's about what happened Saturday."

"Are... are you wanting to do it again?" He glanced around him. "In here?"

"No. Sit down, please."

"Is everything alright?" he asked as he did.

I shrugged. "I liked what happened. I did. It was fun, and it felt great."

"I'm glad you feel that way," he said with an awkward chuckle. "So why are we in here, then?"

"Because once it finally dawned on me what we did... I've felt nothing but shame."

Devon's face fell. His eyes glossed over and his mouth straightened into a firm line. Blinking, he glanced away from me. "Oh." Scratching his ear, he said, "Can I ask why?"

"I..." I really should have written this all down. "I guess it's kind of enjoy going to an all you can eat buffet. You get plate after plate until you're stuffed, but you still get dessert anyway, and then you regret it when you're shitting on the toilet an hour later."

"You think what we did was like having diarrhea?"

"No," I groaned, throwing my head back against the door. "I'm saying that in the moment I wanted it, and I liked it. I don't regret it, but it's like my brain was on caffeine or something, and my mind wasn't fully there and aware of what was happening until after it happened. And then I felt ashamed of myself for doing it before I was ready to."

His eyes bugged out of his head, and he crawled back to sit against the wall. "Oh, God. I raped you."

"What?"

"Isn't that what this? Because we did that, and you weren't fully aware of what you were doing or conscious of it. That's rape."

"Devon, you did not rape me. I knew what was going on, and I consented to it. I gave my full consent to do that. It's like it sunk in after we did that that that's what we did," I explained.

He exhaled, relieved. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Mel."

"I know that," I said, trying to smile. "It wasn't you who made me feel this way, though."

"No, it's what we did."

"Yeah, it's what we did, but it's not your fault. I'm not blaming you for this. I'm just... being honest about how I feel." Brushing my hair behind my ears, I sighed. "I'm not ready for a sexual relationship, if that's what you're thinking or now expecting after Saturday night. I need to get to know you better, get to know this relationship some more, and feel more comfortable being vulnerable and open with you like that. I thought I was there with you, and when I realized we were both in next to nothing, I wanted to cover up. But seeing you made so fucking aroused that I couldn't help myself, so I did that. I didn't realize I was going to feel guilty after it."

Crawling to my side, Devon wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I rested my head on his. "I'm not looking for anything sexual with you, either. I'm not ready to have sex with you, either. I like where we are and what we have right now. I want to keep things the way they are right now."

Whimpering, I buried my face into his shoulder, and he pulled me closer to him. "I'm sorry about what happened."

"You shouldn't be."

"I let my hormones get the best of me as well. What we did... we should have waited. We should have actually talked about it and checked in and made sure everything was okay. From now on, we check in and make sure we're on the same page, alright?"

"Alright," I whispered.

"And when we are ready to have sex, we'll have an actual conversation about it, and we'll talk it through before we do anything. We'll make sure we're on the same page and that we're both one hundred percent ready for it. We'll talk about any doubts or concerns we have, and we'll make sure we are both one hundred percent comfortable with everything. Okay?"

"Thank you, Devon."

"I love you, Angel," he murmured.

My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. Did he really just say that?

"All I want is for you to be happy and comfortable with this relationship. If something like this happens again, we'll talk it out again."

"You love me?"

"Somehow I knew that was going to be the only thing you were thinking of," he chuckled. Kissing my temple, Devon chuckled and said, "If we're both being honest about how we feel, I felt I should tell you."

"This isn't due to what happened Saturday, is it?"

"No," he murmured, resting his forehead against my head. "I've felt this way for a while. I just didn't know when to say it."

"I'm glad you did," I stated. "It makes me happy to know you love me."

"I'm glad you didn't hate me saying that," he chuckled.

Devon placed his hand on my knee, using his thumb to rub little circles into it. His nose pressed against my cheek. I turned my head to stare at him, gazing into his eyes. They sparkled, happy and relieved. The way he stared at me was one of honest love. Who would have thought that four months ago I'd be sitting in the 'hookup room' with Devon Quid as he told me he loved me and meant it? I was damn glad it happened.

Nudging me with his nose, Devon pursed his lips and leaned in, kissing me slow. I kissed back and cupped his cheek, bringing him in closer. I pulled away with our foreheads still lingering. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath.

The door burst open. We jumped, turning back to find Principal Helzer and one of the hall monitors running inside. "No sex!" she screeched, using one of her hands to gesture the dramatic "shut it down" gesture while her other covered her eyes. "No sex!"

"We weren't," Devon stated, clearly irritated. "We were talking."

"I know what you do, Mr. Quid. You Casanova-"

"Principal Helzer," I snapped. "Open your eyes. We needed to have an important conversation, and this was the most private place I could think of/"

She gasped. "Please do not tell me you're pregnant."

"No," we both groaned.

"We were just sorting through some shit."

"Language."

"English," I sassed. "Ma'am, we're just trying to talk. Just because you can have sex in here doesn't mean we are. We have no intentions to."

"None?"

"None," we repeated.

"Fine," she huffed, straightening her blouse. "Just please take it out of this room."

Devon stood up and reached for my hand, pulling me up. We exited the room and walked down the hall with both the principal and the hall monitor behind us. As guilty as we may have looked, we knew what happened. Devon told me he loved me. I was so happy I could cry.