Forty-One

Devon slept with his leg crossing my waist all night and his face in my neck. I rested my forehead against his, enjoying the comfort. But as I woke up, the same shame from last night returned. Why was I ashamed of myself? Of what I did? I liked it. I wanted to do that with him. It wasn't like I had sex with him before I was ready. I was just getting pleasure from another person in another way. There was nothing to be ashamed of, yet that was all I felt.

When Devon woke up, he cupped my cheek and kissed my neck softly. "Good morning, Angel."

"Angel?" I whispered. "That's new."

"Don't like it?"

"Didn't say that."

He lifted his head, smiling down at me before kissing me softly. "Good morning, Mel."

"Good morning, Devon."

"I'm glad I got to see you last night."

I looked away from him, staring at the wall instead. What was I supposed to say? 'Yeah, about last night, I feel ashamed that I let myself do that and let my arousal speak for me?' Yeah, no. I wasn't going to say that.

"You should probably leave," I stated.

He frowned, quirking an eyebrow. "Did I-"

"Jeanie will knock on my door any minute to wake me up," I stated. "She can't see you."

Devon jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on his jeans and hoodie. He knelt on the bed, kissing me again before winking and jumping out the window. He ran straight through the neighbor's lawn before causally walking back to his house.

Once I slipped the window screen back in place, I groaned and dropped my head onto the windowsill. I knew I was supposed to be open about my feelings and what I was experiencing, but what sort of reaction would I need to prepare myself for? Was he going to upset that I didn't tell him right away? Was he going to think he was bad at sex? Wait, who cared about that? It wasn't about him; it was about me and the aftermath. I happened to really enjoy it, yet all I felt was shame. Shame of myself.

All I wanted was to see my boyfriend after an important night. I just wanted to see him and hold him and talk. Were these sorts of things supposed to be planned in advance, and that's why I felt ashamed? Because I just let it happen? I definitely figured that when I wound up having sex, it would be something my partner and I would talk about and work up to. I did not work up to that.

"Mel," Jeanie sang as she knocked on the door. I watched her open the door and step inside. She tsked. "I thought Devon was still here."

"You knew he was here?"

"You two weren't exactly quiet last night," she shrugged. "I don't care if you had sex, so long as you used a condom. Was it fun?"

"We didn't have sex," I mumbled.

"Oh, did you go down on each other?"

I shook my head.

"The old dry hump?"

"Jeanie!"

She laughed. "If you think you're ready to have sex, I have no issue with it. You don't have to hide it from me, you know. It's your life, and you know your body. Just do what feels right for you."

"What if you don't know if what you did was right or not?" I asked.

She tilted her head.

"What if you feel... bad after?"

"Did he do something to you?" she asked, her voice razor sharp. "Do I need to get Rick to help kick his ass?"

"No, no! Nothing like that. I just- God, how do I put it?"

Jeanie frowned as she moved to sit on my desk chair. "It felt good in the moment, but you feel weird after it happened? Almost ashamed?"

I nodded.

"I felt the same way after I had sex for the first time," she stated. "I felt ashamed of myself, because I had sex before I was married with someone I only had moderate feelings for. But that's just the patriarchy speaking and getting in my mind."

What?

"The patriarchy wants women to think that having sexual feelings is shameful and that we should be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to have sex. But guess what? If a man can waltz around here and have sex without any backlash, then no woman should have to feel the same way. You dry humped your boyfriend, and he made you feel good. Remember that good feeling and know it's okay to feel that way. It's not like what you did hurt anyone. So you don't have to be ashamed of it. Feel liberated by it!" She smiled. "Do you feel better now?"

I knew right away that Jeanie would not understand what I was feeling. It wasn't because I was conditioned to be ashamed of myself. I didn't feel regret, just feel a weird sense of shame, like it shouldn't have happened. Like I let my feelings guide my judgement and decide for me what I should do in the moment. It was all an at the moment spur sort of thing. She likes living in the moment like that, but it wasn't for me. I don't want to do that again. Not until I know I'm actually ready for that, and it's something I'm consciously aware of. I don't think I was fully there yesterday. When everything caught up to me and I realized what I'd done, that was when I felt the shame. I can't let myself do something like that again.

I nodded. "Yeah, much better."

"Great," she chirped. "Is he going to come back later today?"

"No, he has his own plans today."

I wasn't sure if it even was true, but I didn't plan to invite Devon over. I needed to figure out what I was going to say to him before I saw him again. Unfortunately, even after spending the whole day trying to figure out what to say, Monday came, and I didn't know what to tell him. It wasn't like I could just ignore him and avoid touching him. He'd realize something was wrong, and I didn't want to make him think something he did was wrong. It was me. I was at fault. I was the one who was teasing him the other day with everything I said. I was the one who let my arousal get the better of me, so it had nothing to do with him. It was just something I did with him. That would not come out right, so I could scrap phrasing it like that.

When I saw Devon approach my locker in the morning, I tensed up quickly and tried to look away before we could make eye contact.

"You good?" Darcy questioned.

"Fine. Peachy," I word-vomited.

"Peachy?"

Devon wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I jumped. He chuckled softly before kissing the top of my head. "Good morning, Angel."

"Morning," I mumbled.

"I have to meet with Mrs. Bustier before class, but I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay," I said, flashing a smile.

He patted my shoulder before walking away, and I was well aware I let out a loud exhale of relief.

"What the fuck happened this weekend?" Darcy commanded. "Why do I need to kick his ass?"

"He did nothing. It was me."

She gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth. "Oh, God. Please do not tell me you cheated."

"What? No. Come on, Darcy, that's the last thing I would ever do to him."

"Okay, okay. What happened then?"

Blushing, I inched in closer, and she did the same. "After the concert on Saturday, I called Devon and invited him over."

"Ooh, kinky," she smirked.

"Yeah, well, we did... sort of... dry hump?"

"Really?" I heard from behind me. Jumping and letting out a small yelp, I turned around to find Buddy with his hand in the air in a peace gesture. "Sorry, I just came over to say hi. Did that really happened yesterday?"

"It was Saturday, and... yeah, it did." No matter what, Buddy was still my best friend. Despite what happened, out of everyone I could talk to to get advice on what happened, it would be him. "And it felt good, but ever since, I've just felt ashamed of myself for doing it."

"Do you regret it?" Buddy asked.

"No. That's the weird part."

"You once told me you weren't ready to do anything sexual with someone until you knew them for a while and felt comfortable around them. Maybe you're not there with Devon yet. Doesn't mean it won't ever happen, but that's just not where you are right now. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, you can still enjoy something and feel some shame afterwards. It's more common than you think," Darcy added.

"But why do I have to feel this way? And how do I stop feeling ashamed?"

Buddy shrugged. "I don't know. You might just feel this way for a while."

"Have you talked to Devon about it?" Darcy questioned.

"No. Not yet."

She tsked. "There's your problem. You still feel ashamed because you haven't talked about it with him, so it feels like you're keeping a secret from him, and that's not what you're trying to do. You need to talk to him about what you're feeling and why." She hugged my side and giggled. "It's okay to regret what happened and be ashamed of it. You can like something and regret it afterwards. That's part of getting to know your body better. But if you want to stop feeling this way, talk about it with Devon. You need to let him know what happened and what you were thinking as it happened and why you feel this way after, even if the answer is 'I don't know.'"

"Go talk to him," Buddy encouraged.

"But he's talking with his teacher before class-"

"I mean when you have a moment to," he said, rolling his eyes. "Even if you have to write out what you need to say or what you want to make sure you say, do it, and then talk to him when you have the chance. But before you go home for the day, talk to him. If you can't talk this stuff out, you two shouldn't be together."

"Buddy," I warned.

"He's right," Darcy stated. "Communication is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If you can't talk about the deep and personal and sometimes embarrassing things, your relationship doesn't stand a chance. Why do you think you and Buddy have been friends for so long?"

I smirked at him, and he smirked right back. They were both right. I had an issue with Devon, and I needed to tell him so we could talk about it. I needed to be honest about what I was feeling, and hopefully it would end with us both feeling better about the situation at hand.