Chapter 8 - Guilt

My name is fake.

Ever since Will dropped that latest bombshell, this thought has been going round and round in my head, like one of those carousel horses.

My name isn't Lily Taylor.

"Of course it is. Don't be bloody ridiculous," Will's harsh voice interrupts another round of my mental carousel.

I must have said out loud what is going through my mind. I also totally forgot that I am still on the phone with him. Looking at him, I force myself to get out of my head and come back to reality. After Will revealed his latest finding, I found it very hard to stay even remotely focused on the here and now. And it is still a struggle, no matter how hard I try.

"But you just said...," my voice falters before I can finish the sentence.

Will's words keep repeating themselves in my busy brain.

Our family name has not always been Taylor.

It is near impossible to concentrate on any kind of conversation with my brother.

"Yeah, I know what I said. Doesn't mean that it isn't our family name now, you silly child. They officially changed it to Taylor, for the whole family, so you're all legitimate and stuff. – At least as far as it comes to what's written on legal documents," he adds, probably thinking the same thing I am.

Because Alex is named as my father on my birth certificate and that is anything but legitimate, if what they told me is true.

But who knows what is the truth anymore, and what's a lie?

"I knew that Tom and Josh were on the East Coast," I suddenly, randomly, blurt out.

"What?" Will exclaims.

His face comes really close to the camera's lens, so close that his dark eyes are filling up the small screen. I physically recoil at his threatening behavior.

"What are you fuckin' talkin' about? And why is this the first I am hearing about this? Don'tcha think that this might have been, I dunno, relevant information? Information that you should have given me before I almost ran into them?" he all but yells at me.

Anger mixed with confusion is literally rolling off him in waves, I can feel it even through the phone. Automatically, my eyes fill with tears again. I don't even know where this random statement came from, about me knowing that they were there. It's like my brain has decided to act on its own, not allowing me to have any control over what I am doing and saying.

I rapidly blink a few times while desperately trying to put together another few of these jumbled pieces of information that are floating freely through the chaos that is my mind.

Finally, I manage to sort through some of snippets and that is when it hits me where this information came from. When I properly realize where and why I know that Josh and Tom were on the East Coast, a jolt of panic shoots through me.

Sean talked to me about this last night.

That was not even 24 hours ago. And still, I had so completely forgotten about this small but clearly important fact that it took me seemingly forever to remember it, even after Will told me the exact same thing.

Is this a sign that I am slowly but surely losing my mind?

That thought is even scarier than thinking of all the secrets and trust issues I have with the current situation. I don't know much about what it means to go through traumatic events and neither what it can do to a person and their health, physical or mental. But from the few times we talked about it, Josh went through a very, very rough time after they lost Sienna. He must have been in a bad way and considering that it was a therapist he was seeing to help him get better, it must have been his mind that suffered the most from the trauma of losing his sister.

Forgetting facts that I was told not even a day ago must be a sign of impending insanity.

"Lily, hey! Are you even listening to me? What's going on with you now, huh?" Will asks, startling me.

I blink a few more times and hope that he cannot see the tears that are leaking out of my eyes. I angle the phone so that my face is a bit further away from the screen, causing the light to obliterate part of the image.

"Are you crying again?" His voice is a lot softer now, almost compassionate.

He sighs when I don't reply.

"C'mon, runt, stop doing this, it's not fair. It's kinda hard to watch you be so miserable and I can't be there with you. Give you a hug or some other sappy comfort crap. Ya know what I mean..."

Despite everything, a small smile tugs at the corners of my mouth at this typical Will way of showing that he is a bit of a softie after all.

"I'll deny I ever said any of that if you tell anyone! Got it?" he threatens when he notices that his words had the comforting effect he clearly intended for them to have.

"Got ya," I quickly agree and add a tiny grin just to show him that I won't be fooled by his fake tough behavior.

Taking a deep breath, I feel how the fresh air in my lungs does the trick once again as I start to calm down. It helps me focus on this conversation, too.

"I didn't tell you about their visit because I forgot that Sean told me about it. Also, it was only yesterday, well, last night, when he mentioned it. Or early this morning, I don't know, okay? And I also didn't know you went back there until I saw your text message earlier. So don't blame me!" I eventually defend myself.

"Alright, alright, I get it. Stop apologizing. And sorry for freakin' out on you. But it was literally pure luck that I didn't walk straight into their arms. They came out of the local police station just as I strolled around the corner. I managed to jump back and hide from view just in time," Will recounts.

"And you're sure they didn't see you?" I confirm.

"Yeah, stop worrying about that and focus your energy on what's really important."

"Like, our fake name?"

"Jeez, stop being dumb. I told you before that they legally changed it, so your name is legal. And so are all of ours. Nothing fake about that," he repeats, sounding a bit exasperated.

Well, I am sorry if this is big news to me and I still need a bit of time to process it.

"What is it?" I ask.

"What's what?"

He looks at me with an almost bored expression. I don't remember ever having had a phone call with Will before that lasted so long. He doesn't really strike me as a person who has endless conversations by phone, anyway.

"Their real last name?"

"You mean their previous real one?" he corrects me, probably just to annoy me. "Johansen."

The blood freezes in my veins simultaneously to my brain making a horrible connection by dredging up some information that Will brought back from his first trip to the east.

S.J.

Those were the initials of the 15-year-old teenage girl that was found in the trunk of the car that drowned in the lake. I am pretty sure that's what he told us. It has been sort of tattooed into my brain ever since, for later use.

Sienna Johansen.

It makes too much sense to be a coincidence.

"Yeah, I was thinking that, too," Will interrupts my horrifying thought process, reading my mind correctly once again. "And before you ask, I managed to verify it."

He doesn't need to put into words what exactly he verified.

I feel bile rise in my throat and I almost choke trying to suppress the urge to vomit.

"Lily, look at me!"

I stare at the blurry image of my older brother, but I can't really keep my focus on it, no matter how hard I try. The phone in my hand is shaking too much, making me feel even more nauseous. The carousel horses are now going around at maximum speed inside my brain.

"Hey, doll, speak to me! Come on, stop this bullshit and do what I say!" Will's voice is loud, but it still barely reaches my consciousness.

The only thing I am hearing pretty clearly is some voice saying "no", over and over.

No. No. No. No! No!

"Lily Mae Taylor, fuckin' listen to me! Stop saying no, damn it, and take a deep breath!"

It is only when Will's words finally register with my brain that I realize that I have been hearing myself repeatedly uttering this same two-letter-word. I take a shuddering breath and cough awkwardly when too much oxygen hits my lungs at once.

"There you go. Good girl. – And another one. That's it, well, done, runt."

"Will," I whimper as my heartbeat finally slows down.

If I felt miserable before from all that is going wrong in my life, it is nothing compared to how completely devastated I feel now that Will has confirmed our worst suspicion.

Our big sister died in a horrible, violent way.

And our brothers have been carrying this burden with them for almost 15 years.

It wasn't a simple accident!

No wonder Josh was on the brink of losing his mind. It is a mystery to me how he – how any of them – ever managed to recover from this experience. It seems impossible. Now that I know how it feels to lose a person very close to you, it appears completely unfeasible.

How do you accidentally drown stuck in the trunk of a car?

That is when the next terrifying thought hits me.

"Do you think... that... that i-it was the... the s-same guys as with... S-Sam?" I stammer.

My words are barely audible because I don't really want to say them out loud, but at the same time, I know that I need to say this if only for someone to assure me that I am completely wrong.

"What do you mean, the same guy? – Lily, what exactly happened to Sam?" Will asks really slowly.

This day can't possibly get any worse. It never occurred to me that Will might not know how and why our brother died. I really don't want to repeat this. I have already had to recount what happened too many times for my liking.

"Come on, runt, I'm waiting."

I wordlessly shake my head, hoping that he will get the message that I am not going to talk about it to him. Not right now. Maybe never. Somebody else has to tell him. Each time I have to repeat it, it feels like I am there, right in that moment, again. Witnessing the guy in the ocean blue shirt deliberately hurting Sam. The stranger's eyes boring into me while his face is distorted in that ugly smirk of his.

"Okay. It's fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. That wasn't fair," Will suddenly starts babbling.

I stare at him, wondering where his change of mind came from.

"J-Jack didn't tell you... how it happened?" I press out.

"He said it was a biking accident during the race. That's all I know."

All blood drains from my face when I realize that maybe not all of my brothers know yet what really happened. Jack must be just a clueless as Will, otherwise I am sure he would have told him the whole story.

I wonder if Ben is going to tell the twins?

Does he even know that the stranger was involved?

Considering how they freaked out after the gas station incident, I would assume it's a safe bet that all of the older siblings know. But maybe they didn't think it was important yet to tell Jack. Or Will.

"I... He... it wasn't an accident. He was p-pushed off the track. By the stranger. I mean... no... by a friend of the stranger," I tell him.

My whole body is trembling as I struggle to get these haunting words out. I refuse to look at Will after I finish, instead focusing my eyes on a spot on the dirty ground next to where I'm sitting. The silence that follows my shaky explanation is very uncomfortable.

"Shit," Will eventually breathes out. "Holy fucking shit! What on earth is going on here? How...? Fuck!"

I startle at his very loud and very angry exclamation at the end. Shifting my eyes back towards the phone screen, I find him staring at me with an unreadable expression. There is only one emotion that I can identify, and that is utter devastation.

I have never seen my toughest brother look so sad.

"M'sorry," I mutter.

"Don't say that," he instantly shoots back, sounding angry. "Don't ever say that again!"

"OK."

The last thing I want is to upset him any further, so I'd agree to anything, really.

We look at each other for a few awkward minutes and I can tell that Will has a million questions that he wants to ask me, but he hesitates. I could put him out of his misery and give him some more information, but I am so emotionally drained that I simply cannot imagine speaking another word of what happened to Sam.

"Where are you, doll? Location-wise, I mean?"

I certainly didn't expect this question to be the next thing Will asks. I blink at him, trying to figure out where he is going with this. When I come up with nothing, I decide to give him an honest answer, since I cannot think of a way where this might put me at a disadvantage right now.

"In the woods, behind the cabin."

"Okay. Can you find your way back to the cabin by yourself or should I call someone, maybe Sean, to come get you?"

This is an even weirder question. I don't understand what he is getting at. All of us kids, Will included, know the woods surrounding the cabin like the back of our hand. There is no reason for him to think that I might get lost, even if I may not have the best skills when it comes to directions and such.

"Uhm... why're you asking?"

"Listen, kid, you've had about three almost panic attacks in only the past 10 minutes. I can't have you end this call and stay all by yourself. So, you've got a choice: you either let me call someone to come get you, or you start your way back to the cabin right now and I'll stay on the line until you're with them. Understood?"

I stare at Will, completely overwhelmed by not only his showing such a caring side but mainly because I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. It is uncommon for him to order us younger siblings around, so I am not exactly used to his demanding tone. Normally, Will just walks off – sometimes after throwing an insult our way – if we annoy him. But he certainly doesn't get all parental on us.

My mind drifts back to our road trip to Chicago where he more than once showed his until then unknown parental side. But I always thought that was because he felt responsible for me, somehow. It never came out again after that week, so I forgot that he even has this in him.

"Lily, get your ass up and get moving already, for fuck's sake! I don't got all day."

It looks like he is serious. I still don't get what he is trying to achieve though.

"Why don't you just hang up if... if you're busy and got to be somewhere?" I ask, genuinely confused.

"Because there's no telling when you'll have your next near-panic-attack, runt! Fuckin' hell, you ask dumb questions... unbelievable. – Anyway, the signs are clearly there. Have been for weeks, actually. You've freaked out beyond what I consider normal more than once when we got together to talk about all that's fuckin' wrong with this fucked up family. That investigative shit, an' all. Don't tell me you've not noticed that," he explains impatiently.

I stare wordlessly at Will as I process his words. He must be referring to my lack of control when it comes to crying. Yeah, that must be it. Or maybe my sometimes strange, kinda erratic breathing patterns. Those times when I feel like my body is deprived of oxygen and I am about to pass out. I didn't think that it was all too noticeable for anyone that isn't me though.

Actually, he did help me calm down a few times on this call already, and other times before, too. I guess that means it is kinda obvious to other people when this paralyzing anxiety takes hold of my body and does weird stuff to me. It makes me react in a weird way, too. In these moments, it has always helped to have a brother nearby to make it go away before it gets too scary. Will has been around a few times when it happened, so it really shouldn't be surprising that he's bringing it up now.

"How... I mean, why...," I still continue to question his motives, but he interrupts me before I get any further.

"Fuckin' hell, just do as I tell you for once in your life and don't ask so many damn questions!"

Will sounds frustrated and stressed and also tired, which instantly makes me feel guilty.

All I seem to be doing lately is cause my brothers a lot of stress. My plan to become more independent and demand less of their time has clearly failed. There is constantly something that causes them to worry about me. First me running away. Then the soccer accident. And now, losing Sam, they have even more reason to worry. On top of everything else that is already going on, my obvious failure to deal with it all in a mature way adds extra stress. They have to add my stupid problems to their own pain and grief.

"I'm sorry," I mutter and hastily scramble to my feet. "But you really don't have to stay on the line, Will. I'll go back now, promise."

I don't feel ready to go back to the cabin at all to see any of the others, but he doesn't need to know that. I don't want to annoy him after he has taken so much time out to play detective and uncover stuff for us, which he didn't even have to do, really. Also, I was the first person he told what he found out, before anyone else. Not even Jack knows about the fake name. At least I think he doesn't.

Will has been nothing short of amazing and loyal and just the best version of Will there is. I love him for that.

"Don't even start with all that apologetic crap, it's not necessary... and get walking already."

"OK."

I stumble rather than walk along the rough path that weaves its way through the thick forest. I am going in the general direction of the cabin like on autopilot. The courage to face my other brothers is still not there yet. I don't know what to expect to happen. Technically, I have done nothing wrong after Jordan and Alex left me in the car in front of the cabin, so at least I don't have to fear a lecture from them. But it worries me to find them in a bad mood – or worse, really sad and depressed. Which, I guess, is the most likely scenario.

"Are you at home?" I try to make conversation with Will in order to distract myself.

"No."

"Where are you?"

"Out."

Looks like we are back to one-syllable answers from my most closed-off sibling.

"Are you with your friends?" I continue, unperturbed by his demeanor.

After we spent almost a week together, he knows that I am a pro at playing 20 questions. And I know that he secretly doesn't mind me interrogating me. However, Will once told me that I am doing this at my own risk and that I have to be prepared for any kind of answer. Including ones that I'd rather never receive.

"Sort of."

Two words. I am slowly making progress here.

A root that is hidden underneath some dried leaves almost causes me to trip over my feet, distracting me momentarily, but luckily I can keep my balance. I not so gracefully continue to stumble along.

"A girl?" I ask.

I am not able to hide a small grin at the thought of how annoyed he will be by that question.

"None of your business," Will, predictably, grunts.

"Two girls?"

"What the fuck, runt?"

I put on an innocent face and try to make sure that it is on full display on the screen. That is not an easy feat, considering my surrounding and the fact that I am moving rather quickly, which must make the image pretty shaky.

"You were the one who mentioned... what were their names again? Penelope and...?" I recall.

Will mutters some curse words under his breath before he speaks really clearly:

"That part of our conversation. Has. Never. Happened. Understood? It was in a moment of weakness that I shared such details with your innocent ears. And now – for the love of god – don't ever suggest such things again. It's disturbing, coming from the mouth my baby sis."

"Yeah, okay. Sorry. But it's your own fault that..."

"Lily! Where are you?" Sean's voice suddenly sounds from somewhere to my left.

I stop in my movements and listen.

"What is it?" Will asks. "Keep moving."

"Liiiily!"

"It's Sean," I tell him. "He's calling for me."

"Well then, whatcha waiting for?"

I hesitate, but Will is not having it.

"Tell him where you are and then fuckin' go there!" he orders harshly.

"Lily, we're leaving! Please come out, sweetheart!"

I am still not ready for that. I simply cannot imagine being stuck in a car with one or more of my brothers for almost four hours. With neither of them.

"Okay. Bye, Will," I nevertheless agree, if only to get him off my back.

Maybe, if I just hang up on him, I can gain a bit of time before I have to go with the others.

"Stop right there, little girl! Don't you dare hang up on me! I stay on the line until you're with Sean."

"Will," I whine at his patronizing ways.

He sounds as paranoid and overprotective as the oldest ones and it frustrates me. It doesn't suit him at all. And I also think he is making a big deal out of nothing. Yes, I may have been a bit anxious lately, but who can blame me for that?

I think it is completely normal, considering what we discovered and the new stuff we are still finding out about almost on a daily basis. And now with Sam... well, I think it isn't that odd to feel a bit lost and numb and maybe even slightly panicked whenever I think about it.

It will go away eventually. It has to. Or I'll make it go away, somehow. It has to start with me gaining better control over my crying, which is the most obvious sign that I am not doing so great with everything that is going on. My tears always trigger exaggerated reactions from my family. It doesn't matter who sees them, they all overreact whenever it happens. Well, maybe not Aidan, he is immune to it, luckily. If anything, he gets annoyed when I cry. I currently wish this were the case with the rest of them. I'd take annoyed brothers over worried ones any time.

"Lily, we're leaving! Come on out!"

Sean sounds a lot closer now. And also a bit upset. I remember that I promised not to scare them anymore by leaving without anyone knowing where I am. Maybe I shouldn't have left the car.

"I'm coming!" I call back.

I hear rustling and what sounds like dry twigs being crushed underneath the weight of what I assume are Sean's heavy footsteps. Not even a minute later, he appears between the trees and jogs towards me. He looks relieved. Next thing I know, I find myself in a bone-crushing hug, struggling to breathe because my face is squashed right into his chest.

"Lily? Sean?" Will's muffled voice can be heard from far away.

I almost forgot about him still being on the line. Sean must have heard him, too, because he lets got of me. When I lift my head, I find him giving me a funny look.

"Will?" he asks.

I wordlessly hold my phone out to him and nod at it before turning the screen back around so that I can see Will.

"I'm with Sean," I tell him the obvious. "Bye now?"

I phrase that last part as a question because I am not sure that I want to hang up on him. His presence, even virtual, gives me a strangely comforting feeling. But I also think that he has to leave. He said he didn't have all day, which is fair enough. He already spent more time on the phone with me than ever before.

"Stop right there, doll. Give your phone to Sean. – Please," Will adds when I furrow my eyebrows at him at this newest order.

"Why?" I want to know.

"Do it and don't question me."

Now he is channeling his inner Alex.

"I'm fine, Will. You don't have to speak to Sean," I protest, finally realizing what this is about.

I don't need him to alert our brother about unnecessary stuff. It will only make this upcoming trip even more awkward. They will look for signs of me freaking out if Will shares his observations with Sean and that is the last thing I want to happen.

"Stop being so stubborn and do as I say! Or I'll just call him myself. Up to you, runt, if you want to be stupid and make things unnecessarily hard," Will threatens in an annoyed tone.

"May I?" Sean interrupts and takes my phone out of my hand without waiting for my reply.

"Hey!"

Why does he even bother asking if he doesn't care about what I have to say?

"Will, hey man, what's up? Are you okay?" Sean asks, ignoring me and my angry glare.

For a moment, I consider my chances of forcefully taking my phone back, but I quickly dismiss the idea. I wouldn't be successful. Even if Sean is not one of my strongest brothers, he is still way bigger than me. It is not worth the effort, and I am too tired to fight him, anyway. I guess I'll guilt trip him later for treating me so disrespectfully. That is way more effective. In the meantime, I'll just listen to what Will is telling him so that I am prepared to react in case they get overly protective.

This plan turns out to be futile, too, because Sean has the audacity to switch off the camera and the loud speaker. He is now holding my phone up to his ear and all I can hear is the distant mumbling sound of Will speaking.

I hate it when they talk about me and exclude me from the conversation while I am standing right there. To me, it is betrayal of the worst kind and I have had to deal with feeling betrayed too many times in only the past few hours.

Which reminds me that Sean is also one of the traitors who kept Tom's job from me. I probably should leave before he ends the call and wants to talk to me about that. He always wants to talk about everything if there is something negative going on between us. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to him about the Tom situation, so I better run.

Annoyed and slightly upset, I start making my way toward the cabin, but when I walk past Sean, his hand snakes out and he pulls me back by my upper arm. I immediately wriggle in his hold in order to get away. At first, I successfully manage that he loosens his grip on me but then, as I am just about to slip away for good, he grabs my hand and our fingers automatically intertwine.

Sean squeezes my hand and a jolt of warmth surges through my body, making me stop. This small gesture miraculously makes all the bad thoughts toward him disappear and, like a sponge, I greedily soak up the comfort it gives me.

"Alright, thanks for sharing this with me, Will. – Yeah, I'll do that. – Sure. – Okay, you take care now," I tune in to Sean's one-sided conversation with our brother.

Still holding my hand tightly in his, he suddenly turns around so that his back is facing me. His voice drops and I have to prick my ears to be able to hear what he says next.

Does he honestly think he can hide from me what he is talking about when I am standing right there?

"Promise me that you won't do stupid shit, Will, you hear me? Call me if you need to talk, but please don't... ya know. – Okay. Yeah, okay, I trust you. – And otherwise, call me. I mean it, Will. I'm always there to talk. – I'll see you at home."

That last bit, Sean spoke at normal volume. It sounded almost like an order. I wonder if Will is going to listen to him and actually be there when we arrive. I really hope so, because I urgently need to give him a hug. It is still new to him, what happened to Sam. Newer than to me, and I know that he needs some comfort, too, just like he has given me, to deal with this new situation.

He was so very strong during our call, never giving it away that he is hurting because of Sam. I know that Will is pretty good a keeping his emotions hidden, but I don't think that is very healthy. Sean obviously knows that, too. That must be why he told Will not to do anything stupid. Knowing what I know since last autumn when I found his drug stack in the shed, I can only assume that "stupid" equals "drugs".

I sincerely hope that Will won't do any of that because he is grieving. A really big hug might help distract him from these kinds of ideas or cravings or whatever it is that you get when you have taken drugs in your past. I need him to be home when we get there so that I can help him.

"Hey, baby girl, are you in there?" Sean asks, gently rapping his knuckles on top of my head.

I look up at him, trying to clear my head from the disturbing thoughts of Will turning to drugs because Sam died.

"Hi," Sean smiles at me. "How are you?"

Is this a trick question?

Will must have told him that I freaked out a few times, since that was the purpose of his call, so I don't know where Sean is going with this lame question. Also, there is no way that Jordan and Alex didn't tell him what happened at the police station.

So why the innocent act?

Lost for words, I just shrug.

"I'm sorry, baby girl. C'mere."

Once again, Sean pulls me against his body. This time, I don't struggle but I voluntarily melt into him. I bury my face in his t-shirt and inhale his distinctive smell. This is even more comforting than him holding my hand. I feel his fingers brush through my tangled hair and notice that my braid must have come lose, otherwise it would be impossible for him to comb all the way through it. After he places a kiss on top of my head, my brother pushes me back a step and leans down so that we are face to face.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks, looking incredibly guilty.

"Because of Tom?"

He nods, confirming my assumption and I shrug again.

Sean runs his hands from my shoulders along my arms and rubs them up and down a few times, like he does when I am cold.

"I am so, so sorry, Lily. I totally understand if you're upset with me. If you're angry with us. I'm not even trying to come up with some lame excuse. We purposely kept this information from you and your brothers. We do have our reasons for doing this, of course, but I know that this won't make it any better, from your perspective. I just hope you can forgive us. If not now, then hopefully once you know the whole story."

"And when will that be?" I shoot back as annoyance takes hold of me.

I have been told too many times over the past few months that we will learn the truth soon. So far, nobody has bothered to start talking. I know that Alex and I made a deal that he will tell me more once I am officially a teenager, which is less than two months away. But that was before everything started to unravel at such speed.

"Only Alex can answer that," Sean replies evasively.

I huff at that. There is so much I would like to say to this but at the same time, I feel drained from all these talks. Deep down, I know that no matter how many valid arguments I'll put forward, Sean isn't going to budge. He is way too loyal to our oldest brother to break his trust. I may as well save my energy for something worthwhile.

"What did Will say?" I change the topic.

"That he'll kick my ass if I don't look after you properly until we're home," Sean replies, adding a dramatic sigh at the end of it.

When I look up at him, I cannot help but let out a short laugh at his expression.

"You're afraid of Will?" I ask incredulously.

"What? No! Don't be ridiculous," he defends himself rather unconvincingly.

"Sure you are. He could easily kick your ass and you know it."

"What's with the language, huh?"

"You said it first!"

"True. – And for the record: of course I'm not afraid of my baby brother. Duh!"

"It's okay to be frightened of Will. I find him kind of scary sometimes, too," I placate him but I cannot hide a smirk when I say that.

"So you're afraid of him, too, huh?" Sean asks in a hushed voice, like this is a conspiracy.

Now I laugh out loud.

"Ha, see, you just admitted to it. I knew it! And no, I never said that. I said that he's scary. Doesn't mean that I'm afraid of him, at all. I was just trying to make you feel better by telling you that I understand."

"You're putting words in my mouth, sweetheart, that I never even said...," Sean protests weakly.

I pat his forearm and grin up at him.

"It's okay, Sean, you don't have to be ashamed that you fear your little brother. This will be our secret. And also, I'll protect you from him."

"Right, that makes me feel so much better," he takes his turn to tease me. "David versus Goliath, anyone?"

"Jordan has been teaching me self-defense, just so you know."

"And how's that been going for you?"

This time, it is Sean who cannot hide a grin as he looks at my offended expression. Jordan, the traitor, must have told him that I was, like, the most uncoordinated person in the world in our first few training sessions. Although he claims that I am talented enough to continue and that some skills will only develop over time, I know that he's just saying that to keep me going. I am still light-years behind what his other students can do. I'm not stupid and I am certainly not blind.

"I was injured, you jerk," I snap at Sean for lack of a better comeback.

"U-huh."

"Shut up. We're only picking up where we left off next week, Jordan said. And once we do, I'll need people to practice on. I could volunteer you, what do you say? We'll practice ass-kicking first. I should be a pro at that and you'd be just the right size for it, too."

I love it when I can successfully throw their lamest argument right back at them. Over the years, "having just the right size" has been overused by all of the older guys when it came to us kids having to do chores and other stupid tasks.

"Cheeky, cheeky," Sean comments dryly.

I punch his bicep and glare menacingly up at him. My brother yelps like a little girl and pulls a grimace, pretending to be in pain. His antics make me laugh, despite my plan to act intimidating. A giggle escapes me as I square up to him to give him yet another few playful punches.

Unfortunately for me, Sean sees my next move coming and he easily side-steps me. The momentum makes me lose my balance and I stumble past him, which gives him an advantage. He simply has to reach out and a split second later, he has me completely under his control. Holding both my arms tightly against my body, I find myself wrapped up in Sean's arms with my back pressed against his front.

To add insult to injury, he bends forward to catch my eye from above, looking at me from right over the top of my head. As I look back up at him, which happens kind of instinctively, I see him sort of upside-down from my perspective, wiggling his eyebrows at me in a teasing manner.

"Is there anything you wanted to do or say to me, Miss Sassy-Pants?" he chuckles victoriously.

"You suck!" I complain while trying to free myself from his grip.

When he tightens his hold instead, I non-too-gently drive one of my elbows into his ribs. But instead of yelping, like he did earlier, and letting go of me, he unwraps one of his arms from around my body and digs his fingers right into my side. Now it is my turn to shriek. I wriggle left and right to get away from his treacherous fingers before they can hit my most ticklish spot which is right above my hipbone. Of course, my attempts are futile and a second later, I fully dissolve into fits of laughter.

However, our horsing around ends as quickly as it started. Not even being preoccupied by laughter prevents my overactive mind from thinking about the tragedy we are currently experiencing as a family. Mental images of Sam torturing me with his nimble tickling fingers on the day of our Gardening Drill last year flood my brain.

This bitter sweet memory feels like somebody pulled the plug and my short-lived happiness drains, completely bathing me in darkness again. My body gradually ceases to feel anything, not even Sean's relentless fingers on my waist, as I go limp in his hold. My brother immediately stops tickling me and turns me around so that we are face to face.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? You okay?" Sean asks softly, his voice lathered with confusion.

My lips starts wobbling and my vision gets blurry as guilt surges through me. I feel very guilty for play fighting with my one brother while my other brother lies somewhere in a hospital bed or in a morgue – dead.

"Lily, hey, talk to me, please."

I shake my head no and refuse to look at Sean. Hot tears are running down my cheeks and a strangled sob escapes my sore throat.

How can I be happy right now?

"Shh, don't cry, baby girl. I didn't mean to upset you."

I again shake my head but this time to tell him that it wasn't his fault and that he didn't upset me. It is my own fault, for losing myself in the moment. For acting carefree and silly in a time where everything is bleak and sad. For being inconsiderate and stupid.

Strong, comforting arms bring me in for yet another tight embrace. At first, I try to fight Sean off. I don't deserve a hug for acting so selfish. But I also feel incredibly exhausted, emotionally and physically drained, and there is really not much fight left inside of me. Slumping against him without really wanting it, I allow him to wrap me up in his arms. This time, minus the tickle-torture.

Sean keeps whispering comforting words in my ear as he holds me close and slightly sways our bodies from side to side. I abuse his t-shirt as a big tissue and soak it with my tears and probably some of the snot that is coming out of my nose, too, because I am sobbing so hard.

Every fiber, every bone in my body hurts like it is on fire and it feels like the only solution to this currently unbearable state should be for me to burst into a million pieces. For these pieces to get carried away by the gusts of wind up here in the mountains. For these particles of me to drift up into the universe where they can hopefully reunite with Sam.

Another heavy sob racks my body when I realize what kind of strange fantasies my freaky mind just conjured up. These thoughts are unfamiliar and scary – and so very weird.

"It's okay to laugh, sweetheart. Anytime, any day. Sam would not want you to be sad all the time, trust me. Remember how he loved to have a good laugh himself? He'd want us to do the same whenever we have a reason to. Please don't think you can't laugh and have happy moments, even if we are going through a very sad time. You hear me?" Sean's voice is calm, quiet and very soothing.

As my brain slowly processes his gentle words, I feel myself relax a bit. I didn't tell him what got me so upset and yet, without asking, Sean figured out what made me cry. It is like he has a sixth sense for people's problems and their scary thoughts. As if he can read my mind. I have noticed that in the past, but never before has his "gift" been so useful and appreciated as it is now. Because I would not have been able to put into words what upset me so much.

"When Sienna died, for a while, I thought I would never be able to smile, let alone laugh again. It felt like that part of my being had been painfully cut out of my body with a blunt knife. Like losing a limb might feel, or at least that was what I imagined it to be like." Sean clears his throat and continues: "But then I took a moment to consciously remember the person she was and it didn't take me long to realize that laughter, and fun, and happiness were some of the most important things in my sister's life. It became clear to me that she would be very unimpressed with me if I ever used her as an excuse to be miserable and look at my life in a negative way. I imagined how she would come back to haunt me and kick my ass for being a stupid, sad fool. Which is something she loved to threaten us guys with all time, claiming that one day we would be the death of her with our "irrational and immature behavior". But she would come back to haunt us as a punishment. That realization, the recognition that being happy doesn't make us miss and appreciate the person we loved and lost any less, was a very important part on my journey to heal from the traumatic experience of losing my twin."

I am listening to Sean's recount with baited breath, absorbing each word and committing it to memory. Although it always weighs heavily on me when my brothers tell me about Sienna, the positive message of this particular story is very clear and my heart instantly grows lighter.

I know that he is right with what he said about Sam, too. Although Sam was not my most humorous brother, he was a happy person and preferred to focus on the good things in life. He hardly ever told jokes himself, but he loved to listen to other people's silliness and his laughter was incredibly contagious.

I believe Sean when he says that Sam wouldn't want us to drown in sorrow.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Always," he mutters and strokes my head before gently releasing me from his embrace. "We really should get going. Are you ready?"

I am not ready to do anything or face anyone, but I also know that I don't have any other options, so I nod.

Sean hands me back my phone that he had put in the back pocket of his jeans and then wraps an arm around my shoulder. I lean into him and allow him to guide me toward our cabin.

"It'll be okay. I'm there all the way, Lily. There is nothing to worry about and there's nothing we cannot conquer together," Sean assures me in a quiet voice.

Again, he is reading my mind perfectly. I hum to acknowledge his words but otherwise, I remain quiet.

This trip home – to a home where there is no Sam anymore – will be one of the most difficult journeys of my life.

A/N - Hey everyone, here's the next chapter. I hope you liked Lily's interactions with everybody's favourite brothers. Next time, she will have to face the rest of her family. I wonder how that is going to go?

I'm aware that it took a while, but I've been so busy lately that writing had (has?) to take a bit of a backseat. Thanks for all your messages, btw. Just so that everybody who worries/wonders has a chance to hear (read) this once again: Yes, of course, I definitely intend to finish this story. This is a project of my heart and it will remain one until it is done. So, even if it is slow-going, it doesn't mean that I've given up on it. This current post-COVID-or-in-between-COVID-waves-life just involves a lot more socializing and plans on weekends than the past 2 years did. I (as a writer) and maybe you (as readers) back then did benefit from the halt our social lives were forced into - probably the only good thing coming from that stupid pandemic, tbh.

Anyway, rambling almost over. Just remember: you never have to worry about me if I don't post for a while. I am always fine and most likely just busy with other things in life.

Thanks for sticking around & take care of yourselves and your loved ones!