Chapter 14 - Double Standards

A loud bang startles me awake.

I am still only half conscious when the sound of angry voices filters through the cotton wool that seems to have wrapped itself around my sluggish brain. All the while, my heart is beating rapidly as the shock of being woken so forcefully sits deep. I blink a few times, trying to get my bearings, but it doesn't help much to slow down my heartbeat.

The room is almost completely dark, the only source of light coming from a small gap between the curtains in front of the window. It is then that I notice that I am in my own room, back at our home. In the confusion due to being ripped from sleep, I believed for a brief moment that I was still on vacation, in the cabin. I think I was there in my dream just seconds ago.

But with the realization that this is my room, everything that happened in the past few days comes rushing back like a tsunami, leaving me gasping for air.

Today is Sam's memorial.

Now that my brain is fully awake, thanks to this incredibly sad thought, I wonder how I managed to fall asleep in the first place. I remember struggling to close my eyes when I went to bed because whenever I do that, these very painful images of Sam's accident instantly start haunting me. This has become a pattern during the past week, ever since the unspeakable happened, and I can't seem to get rid of them, no matter how hard I try.

That's why Sean found me still wide awake when he came to check on me shortly before midnight – he was the third person to do that in the span of less than two hours – so he offered to lie down next to me until I fell asleep. Not surprisingly, he succumbed to exhaustion way before I did.

The past couple of days have taken a toll on all my siblings and I am well aware how much effort particularly Sean is putting into keeping this family together during these challenging times.

I remember how his regular breathing had a very calming effect on me when I rested my head on his chest, which was rhythmically moving up and down as he slept. It clearly worked, because I must have drifted off to sleep at some point, too.

Instinctively, my hand reaches out to pat the space next to me, trying to find said brother. The spot is empty, which I should have expected.

I don't have a very big bed and if there were a person lying beside me, I'd know. Also, Sean tends to keep his arm wrapped around me. He becomes very cuddly in his sleep, which I find irritating most of the time because it feels a bit claustrophobic. At least he doesn't hog the blankets, like Jordan does.

I feel slightly upset that Sean left. I know that he said he'd only stay here until I fell asleep, and not that he would spend the night in my room, but I still don't really understand why he didn't stay. Being alone is something that I have not been very good at recently.

My brain likes the distraction of another person's presence, if only to keep it from going in circles and to all the dark places that have been taking up a lot of space in my mind. Mostly involving heartbreaking, painful memories.

Before I can dwell on this any further, the commotion that woke me in the first place suddenly resumes. It must be coming from outside, from the front of our house. I glance at the glowing digits of my alarm clock on the bedside table. It displays that it is 2:47am.

Who is outside so early in the morning?

My room overlooks the driveway and the window has been left slightly ajar to allow a fresh breeze to come in, which was supposed to help me settle down, according to Ben, who was the second person to check on me last night only to find me still awake. He claimed that fresh air works like magic when it comes to falling asleep.

"... a move on, for fuck's sake!"  I catch the tail end of someone's clearly irritated exclamation, since the voice gradually rose in volume.

Is that Jordan?

Who is he talking to?

And why is he outside at this hour?

The answer to my second question comes almost immediately. Another loud, shattering sound fills the night, followed by a string of curse words that sounded very much like... Will?

Immediately, I shoot up in my bed, my heart beating wildly.

My most notorious brother has failed to show up for almost a week now, which not only left me very worried for his well-being but also made me feel angry and sad and disappointed all at the same time. Depending on how the mood was in the house, I went as far as almost hating Will for abandoning us when things are going so horribly wrong. For avoiding to come home when we needed him to be with us so much.

Well, I can't really speak for the others, of course, but I certainly needed him to be here. And Jack, too, although he never said so. He hasn't been around much, either, spending most of his time with Nora, or maybe with his friends. I couldn't help thinking of him as being a bit of a coward, too, for hiding away from his family after such a tragedy happened. Maybe he's just seeking comfort from alternative sources, seeing as Will, who I know is one of the most important people to Jack, has been absent.

"...hands off of me!" what is unmistakably Will's voice drifts up to my room.

"And let you break more stuff? I don't think so!" Jordan replies angrily, clearly no longer caring about being quiet, despite the hour.

"Shhh, you guys. You're waking up the whole neighborhood," Sean whisper-shouts, but I can easily understand every word.

He must be standing right underneath my window. I guess that answers my question why he is no longer in bed next to me. But the big question of what these three are doing outside at three in the morning still remains.

Deciding that there is only one sure way to find out what is going on, I quickly get out of bed and hurry to my bedroom door. I imagine that neither Jordan nor Sean will be very pleased if they see me up in the middle of the night, but they just have to deal with it, seeing as it is their fault for waking me up in the first place.

Also, I haven't seen Will since it all happened with Sam and that is not acceptable in my books. It feels like he has consciously been avoiding us and I am more than ready to confront him, no matter what time it is. I better take my chances now, before he disappears again for days on end.

Carefully opening my door a couple of inches, I make sure that I won't wake up any of the others when I leave my room. I listen to any sounds inside the house, but I hear nothing. Our second floor, where all the bedrooms are, is eerily quiet. Everybody else must be asleep.

Stepping out of my room slowly, I freeze when I hear the front door open. Instantly, hushed voices fill the previously silent house. Nobody is shouting or cursing anymore but from the grunts and noises coming from downstairs, I can tell that there is a bit of a struggle going on. At some point, somebody yelps, followed by a hiss and lots of shuffling sounds. Then I hear the sound of a door closing.

They must have gone into the living room to avoid waking anyone up.

Unfortunately, they failed to switch on the lights when they came into the house and even though my eyes are pretty well adjusted to the darkness by now, I advance very cautiously towards the stairs. The last thing I need is tripping over something or falling down the stairs.

But I also don't dare turning on the lights. It might alert my three brothers in the living room – or maybe they went into the kitchen? – that somebody is up. I at the very least have to make it all the way downstairs to hopefully find out what is going on before they try to send me back to bed.

Not that I am going to let them.

I feel that it is my right to see Will and confront him about his disappearance. He abandoned his family in what is clearly a time of need and I am not happy about that.

Also, I urgently need to hug him.

He is the only one I haven't hugged yet, since it happened. Even Aidan shared a hug with me on that first day after our return from the cabin. And – although rather reluctantly, since he's been very standoffish lately – Noah allowed me to give him a hug once or twice, too, over the past few days.

Carefully setting one foot in front of the other, I make my way downstairs, holding on tightly to the railing. I can literally hear Alex's voice in my head, telling me not to run on the stairs because this is what has led to the most injuries with us kids over the years, other than sports-related mishaps.

All of us have tumbled down these treacherous steps a few times while growing up because we were either chasing each other or running to get from A to B as quickly as possible. In my case, usually because I am excited about doing something. And the boys because there is food or some kind of competition involved.

I manage to get all the way down to the ground floor without making any noises or alerting anyone to my presence, which I'm kinda proud of. Although I have vowed to stop eavesdropping on my family, I can't help but be tempted to do just that right now. Maybe I am having trust issues – rightfully so, as I believe, considering all that they have and still are keeping from me – but something tells me that I am unlikely to find out what is really going on if I just show up.

Feeling a bit like an intruder in my own home, I slowly but steadily shuffle towards the living area, which is conveniently located next to the kitchen. There are two separate doors more or less next to each other, leading into these two difference parts of our house from the entrance hall. The two rooms are then again connected via a sliding door kind of construction, allowing people to move directly between the kitchen and the living area, which also includes the dining room.

If you leave open the sliding doors, it is basically one huge space that takes up most of the ground floor of our house. Apart from the living area and the kitchen with its rather impressively sized pantry (my brothers eat a lot, so this is a necessity, really) and a small half-bathroom, there is only one additional room downstairs.

I think someone once told me that it used to be an office for the previous home owners, but since neither of my adult brothers work from home (Alex's late night working sessions apparently don't count), it has over the years been turned into the most chaotic room of them all. Even the boys' bedrooms look pristine and orderly compared to our only spare room.

We mainly use it to throw stuff into it that we can't find another space for or that we don't use at the moment – or ever again. For example, it contains a huge amount of random sports equipment that my brothers have acquired over the years. Things like hockey sticks, golf clubs, worn-out baseball gloves, skateboards with wheels missing, various weights, even a mini trampoline must be in there somewhere – and those evil roller blades that I was unable to master properly when Sam bought them for us years ago.

At the thought of Sam, my eyes automatically swivel towards the closed door of said spare room. I can literally picture him going through the mountains of discarded items, looking for whatever he believed to remember that we once owned and that he might have some use for again. I think at least a third of the stuff in this room used to be his and he most likely never took it with him when he moved in with Hannah.

Sam used to try out all kinds of sports and my brothers loved to make fun of him for falling victim to just about any new trends that popped up somewhere. He was always first in line to give something a try, claiming that he needed to be on top of all the hypes in case his clients, who booked him as a personal trainer, wanted his "expert advice", whatever that meant.

I make a mental note to go through the things in that room at some point to see if there is something that will help us remember him. Or maybe even something to make Noah happy to have as a keepsake.

I have been so deep in thought that the next thing that happens catches me completely unprepared. Because the door to the living room is suddenly ripped open and I come face to face with Will.

We both freeze in our movements – well, Will does, since I have just been standing there, lost in thoughts and not doing much else – as I stare at my brother like a deer caught in headlights. My brain is having trouble comprehending what is happening and I think my mouth opens and closes automatically, like a fish, as I am trying to find something meaningful to say to him.

"I-is that a... hickey?"

I instinctively slap a hand over my mouth when these words come over my lips.

What on earth?

Why did I just say that?

My eyes frantically travel up and down the figure who is standing in front of me. He looks almost as shocked as I am feeling. As I am doing this and once my gaze flits across his face, I immediately realize why the very visible colorings on Will's neck are what have likely attracted my attention, causing me to blurt out the most stupid question ever.

My brother looks like a zombie.

And that is so hard to look at that I must have automatically searched for anything else to comcentrate on in order to stop my heart from being torn to pieces. But now that I have chanced another look at him, I can't avert my eyes anymore. It's like they are glued to his face and this incredibly broken, exhausted, lost expression that is so very present on it.

Will's cheeks look sunken in and hollow while his eyes are red-rimmed. His naturally dark brown orbs look even darker now, almost black, making me wonder if it is mainly the pupils that I'm seeing. And although it seems like his eyes are literally boring into me, they kind of look lifeless at the same time. Like someone has hit a light switch and any residual kind of life inside my brother has been switched off with it.

I detect faint smudges of lipstick on the right side of Will's prominent jawline. Chiseled, I think is the expression that girls use when they talk about certain guys' faces. That description would definitely fit my brother, too, who has infamously sharp, angular features. On any normal day, I would admit that he is rather handsome. But not tonight.

Because tonight, Will just looks tired, defeated – and broken.

Images of Alex's appearance during the past few days flood my brain, causing my already fragile heart to shatter into even tinier fragments. The two of them have never looked more similar than now, although they don't actually resemble each other very much. Not under normal circumstances. Now, they seem to share the same brokenness and it is almost unbearable to witness.

"Doll," Will's raspy voice penetrates my thoughts.

He barely made a sound, it was more like he was breathing out this strangely endearing nickname he has been using for me for as long as I can remember. As if he didn't even mean to say it out loud. I can't tell whether it is just a random statement or his way of greeting me – or if he is announcing to the other people in the room behind him that I am here.

At least he is completely ignoring my stupid question, which is oddly relieving. Maybe he didn't even hear it, which would be my preferred option.

Instead of greeting him back, or replying to his statement or whatever that was, I dismiss the strange vibes that he is giving off. Without thinking, I simply go in for that long overdue hug. Taking a cautious few steps closer, I launch myself at him when there's only two or three feet between us.

However, I have barely gotten within reach when Will jumps back like he has been electrocuted. This causes him to stumble over his own two feet and he would have gone flying right backwards into the living room, most likely falling down in the process, if it weren't for Jordan's quick reflexes. He must have been standing nearby – I didn't even notice him there – and manages to catch his younger brother a second before Will unceremoniously crashes to the ground.

Still, his legs sort of give out on him and he tumbles onto his knees, almost taking Jordan down with him. He just about manages to keep his balance and keep both of them upright, somehow. In any other situation, this would have caused me to laugh out loud at the sight in front of me because it was rather comical, with both of them now being awkwardly tangled up while fighting gravity.

However, there is nothing funny about this scene.

Why doesn't Will want to hug me?

Is he angry with me?

Or disappointed?

While my mind is busy analyzing the current situation and figuring out answers to his latest puzzling behavior, Will lets out a string of curses, similar to the ones I heard earlier when they were still outside. I watch as he tries – and fails a few times – to get back onto his feet and away from Jordan.

Once he finally manages to stand on his own, he attempts to walk out of the room again, but our older brother doesn't seem to agree with his plan. Jordan wraps one of his big hands around Will's bicep and kind of roughly pulls him towards one of the sofas where he pushes him to sit down. Will protests rather loudly which leaves Jordan completely unimpressed as he repeatedly pushes him back down whenever he starts to get up again.

"Shut the hell up and sit your ass down!" Jordan eventually hisses, glaring at him.

"I already told you that I don't fuckin'..."

"You're not getting out of here without drinking a coffee first to help you sober up, Will!" Jordan orders icily.

Sober up?

I take another, closer look at Will and replay what just happened in my mind. Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle start to come together to form a more comprehensive picture.

The red-rimmed eyes and his stumbling around.

Will must be drunk.

Or is it more?

His huge dark eyes might mean that he...

I frantically shake my head, trying to get rid of these devastating thoughts. I won't allow my mind to go there and make up horror scenarios. Will must have gone out partying and I know that he is no stranger to alcohol. I am sure that this is all there is to it. And seeing that he is not yet of legal age to be drinking, it is also kind of understandable that Jordan is upset with him.

Slightly hypocritical though, since my oldest brothers don't exactly enforce the no-drinking-rule when we are having an event here at home. And I know from stories they've told us about when they were teens that they drank, too. Talk about double standards.

"Hey, sweetheart, what're you doing up?" Sean's voice startles me.

I look away from my other two brothers and find him standing right next to me, with one of his hands on my shoulder. I haven't even noticed him coming into the room, let alone him being so close or touching me. My eyes zero in on the item in his other hand.

A huge cup of coffee.

The smell hits my nostrils the moment that I recognize it for what it is and my stomach instantly churns. I have never understood why all of my siblings – the younger twins included, if they can get away with it – like this horrible concoction so much. I shudder at the thought of Will having to drink it.

If this is what awaits me if I were ever having to sober up, I'll never drink alcohol. Or, at least, I will make extra sure that I don't get caught if it does happen.

"I...I... you...," I stumble over my words, unable to form a proper sentence.

At three in the morning, this whole situation is too overwhelming.

"We woke you up, didn't we," Sean states, shaking his head disappointedly. "I told them to keep it down."

"You try getting his stubborn, intoxicated ass into the house without making any noise," Jordan defends himself.

He is still standing right in front of Will with one of his hands resting heavily on the younger one's shoulder, obviously to keep him in place. Jordan's body is also effectively blocking any potential escape routes. I start to feel sympathy for Will's current predicament, even if he hurt my feelings by refusing my hug.

"You should have just left me in peace then," Will spits out, sounding agitated.

This is the first full sentence I hear from him and it is unmistakable that his speech a bit slurred. I am not very experienced being around drunk people, but I have seen some of my brothers in a somewhat drunken state before. They sounded similar to him right now.

"Yeah, and risk that you won't show up to your own brother's memorial? Great idea. No thanks," Jordan replies sarcastically. "There's plenty going on already, we don't need additional drama."

"I would've been there," Will insists, sounding almost offended.

"Right. Not taking any chances there, buddy, I'm sorry."

Jordan doesn't look very sorry at all. Instead, he appears stressed and his patience seems to be wearing thin. The atmosphere in the room is rather uncomfortable and I question my decision to come down here and get right in the middle of this. Maybe I shouldn't have let my curiosity get the better of me again.

"So you don't trust me, is that what you're saying?" Will continues to challenge him.

"Oh, because your actions are so fuckin' trustworthy, you mean? Is that what you're so pissed off about? Lack of trust? That's hilarious, really. How about you start acting your damn age and take some responsibility for your actions for once in your life, Will? That could go a long way with regards to me trusting your decisions."

Jordan's words feel like a physical punch to the gut. Ever since that day in the garden shed, I know that Will's weak point it exactly that: trust. He has made it very clear that he thinks that Alex doesn't trust him and he has also been very adamant that he tries very hard not to jeopardize the small bit of trust that he has managed to rebuild with our guardian after getting help from Sean, Alex and Josh with his drug related problems.

As far as I know, Jordan isn't aware of this part of Will's past life. Perhaps that is why he is so confrontational right now and doesn't mince his words. I'd like to believe that he would tread a bit more carefully if he knew how this must affect Will. I doubt that he knows that Will has a very vulnerable side to him, too. He keeps it very well hidden.

A small, sharp intake of breath from Sean catches my attention next and I rather sense than see him stiffening beside me as we both are busy absorbing Jordan's harsh words. A fleeting glance at him confirms what I have been assuming: Jordan hitting this very sore topic with Will has put us both on edge. Because there is no way that we can anticipate how Will is going to take these rather painful accusations.

His reaction is a bit delayed. But when he does eventually jump up and try to push Jordan away, he sways quite heavily. As he fights to keep his balance, it becomes very clear to me just how intoxicated he must be. Jordan has no difficulties at all to keep Will from running off as he is obviously the physically superior party in this standoff.

"Really, Will?" he sighs dramatically, easily pushing him back down.

The younger brother ungracefully slumps back onto the sofa.

"You're such a drill sergeant," Will accuses him indignantly.

Jordan just wordlessly stares him down, not letting his attitude get to him.

"And an asshole."

This time, it's my turn to suck in a sharp breath. Calling our oldest brothers such names is never a good idea. Not that Will cares, I guess, because he likes to provoke people. But it is still rare that I hear any of my siblings say such things to Alex or the older twins. He must either be way drunker than I thought – or he is seriously upset.

"Nice," Jordan remarks sarcastically, still appearing pretty unbothered by Will's attitude. He also remains standing right in front of him, like a prison warden, prepared in case he tries to run.

"Anything else you want to say to me while you're at it?"

"Jordan," Sean warns.

I wonder if he senses it, too, that this has the potential to escalate any moment if Jordan keeps pushing Will like this. He is already a pretty unpredictable person under normal circumstances, but I have no idea what he's like when he has had too much alcohol – or worse, if he's high on some other kind of drugs.

I inwardly cringe when I finally allow this thought to enter my brain. I sincerely hope that Will did not go back on his promise to me that he'll never touch drugs again.

"Actually, now that you ask, yeah, I do," Will replies slowly.

My eyes grow slightly big when I witness how he leans backwards, spreads his arms out on top of the back of the couch and visibly relaxes. An unreadable expression takes hold of his face and I think I detect a small smirk in the corner of his lips. The blood literally freezes in my veins at the sight.

Is he enjoying this?

Or is that his way to mask his real feelings?

"You," Will then points at Jordan before turning his attention towards Sean, pointing in his direction next, "...and you, too, can shove your fuckin' trust issues right up your asses, together with your double standards. Because you're the last fuckin' people to deserve anyone's trust!"

The fascinating thing is that Will doesn't even raise his voice when he throws these hateful words at our brothers. Nevertheless, they are still very effective, cutting right into me like hundreds of tiny knives. And I am not even the intended target. I don't want to imagine how Sean and Jordan must feel hearing this.

"What exactly are you talking about?"

Jordan's voice sounds still impressively controlled and powerful, but I think there is a hint of uncertainty in it.

I am frozen to the spot, completely horrified and at the same time strangely fascinated by what is unfolding in front of me.

"What do I mean? Your innocent act is endearing, really. I mean," Will mimics Jordan, completely exaggerating, of course, "that you guys have been holding back a shit ton of information from us for years, and you still don't seem to think that we deserve to know the freakin' truth!"

"You have no idea what you're talk-"

"No, don't you even dare denying it, Jordan!" Will interrupts him sharply, narrowing his eyes at him.

All the previous playfulness and sarcasm has left him and he seems deadly serious now.

"You clearly don't trust us and you guys keep lying like it's going out of fashion! And all this even though you know that we know that you're keeping important stuff about this family from the rest of us. How long are you planning to keep this fuckin' charade up, huh? Until another one of us dies?"

"Will!" I cry out, no longer able to hold back

Wrapping my arms around my middle, I bend forward, almost gasping for air. That last sentence, this horrible statement Will threw out there like it is nothing, felt like a punch right to the gut. The malice of it literally knocked the wind out of me, although his words and accusations were clearly aimed at my brothers, not at me.

Why would Will say such horrible things?

What is he trying to achieve?

"You should go to bed, sweetheart," Sean says quietly.

I feel arms encircling me and when I look up, I find him hunkered down right in front of me. His closeness, however, feels very claustrophobic and I quickly take a step back, trying put some distance between us. All the while, I struggle to get the much needed air back into my lungs.

"L-let m-me be," I stammer as I push him away.

Thankfully, Sean seems to read the situation correctly and doesn't force me back into the embrace but gives me the much needed space. I take a few shuddering breaths and try to count to ten in my head to get my pulse and my breathing under control. Soon, I feel myself calm down a bit. A glance at Jordan and Will shows me that their attention has switched to me now, too.

"Yes, go back to bed, Lily," Jordan orders firmly and without any kind of empathy.

He must be annoyed that I am here, too, when he already has his hands full dealing with an intoxicated, confrontational younger brother.

I shuffle another step backwards and straighten up before crossing my arms in front of my chest. I lift my head and push my chin forward, hoping that my attitude will have the desired effect and that I look confident and defiant enough to succeed. I don't intend to leave.

"No," I refuse at the same time as Will says: "She's welcome to stay right here. This is about her just as much as it is about all of us, actually."

"We should all go to bed. This is not a good time...," Sean once again tries to defuse the situation, but Will waves him off with a sarcastic chuckle.

"There is never a good time for this, is there, Sean? If it were up to you guys, you'd keep this farce going for god knows how many more years, always finding cheap excuses why we can't be told now or how we should wait until the baby..." he points at me when saying this, causing me to frown, which, obviously, has zero effect on him, "...finally reaches her teens, yada yada yada. It's utter bullshit, that's what it is. And I'm sick and tired of it."

Will is clearly on a roll now, which is rather unusual. He doesn't normally argue endlessly but rather just delivers his message and then, most of the time, simply walks away. But the way he is still sitting on the couch in that relaxed pose, it looks to me like he is far from finished anytime soon.

Although I fear that this will be painful, there is nothing that could convince me to leave right now. I want to hear what Will has to say and where this is going to go. Let alone see what Sean and Jordan are going to do if he keeps pushing them like this.

"Yes, there are some details that we haven't talked about with you younger kids yet, but I believe Alex has made it clear plenty of times that he will explain things as soon as possible," Sean reminds us, his voice still patient and kind. "He will get to it, I promise, because honestly, neither of us likes to keep things from you guys. And I'm not just saying that to get you guys off our backs or to keep things from you. But now really isn't the time. We have a difficult day ahead of us. I suggest we all try to get through that and then we can start dealing with the next chapter. Agreed?"

Although Sean sounds calm and very reasonable, I can tell that he is nervous, which confuses me a bit. He has been solid as a rock during this past week and now I am starting to get worried that, if Will continues on his truth-finding path of destruction, it is going to break my currently strongest brother. I don't know what I would do if that happened.

I only realize now that I have automatically started to rely much more heavily on Sean in the past few days, seeing as Alex is such a mess at the moment and Jordan is still kinda unpredictable in his moods, at best. I am also a bit apprehensive about depending too heavily on Josh. He has been surprisingly supportive and even stepped up a few times to replace our oldest brother when it comes to looking after this family and making necessary decisions.

But after seeing how much he struggled when the topic of Sienna came up after all those years, I am still a bit worried that he will break down at some point. Not to mention the added stress that the revelation of Tom's actual occupation has brought to the table. They are both handling it very well, I have to admit, and they're very understanding about all the questions we younger siblings have and as openly as possible try to answer them. But I am still very glad to have Sean by my side during this emotionally challenging time.

"Pathetic," Will sneers.

Not that I expected him to agree with Sean, because it is obvious to me that he's not going to let this go so easily. I wonder what happened between them before they got here. It appears that my brothers went out to find him and brought him home against his will.

How they knew where to look for him is another mystery. Maybe they tracked his phone, or something. I have no idea if they can do that without the help of the authorities but I doubt that Will voluntarily shares that kind of information, meaning his location and such, with his siblings. It's not like Alex or anyone can force him to do that, now that he is a legal adult.

But I guess that Tom and Alex can probably still do it, if necessary – or they know people who do it for them. Whether that's legal or not, if you're an agent or a cop, I have no clue. In any case, if they did do that, no wonder Will is pissed off.

Maybe he didn't want to be found. Certainly not if he has been getting high, which I'm still not sure about if that is even the case.

"How about you just shut up, drink your damn coffee and then we all go to bed? It's three in the fucking morning and I'd sure appreciate a few hours of sleep," Jordan says and kind of aggressively pushes the coffee cup that Sean must have given him, towards Will.

"Seriously, man, fuck off! Are you fuckin' kidding me?" Will complains angrily.

He reaches out and forcefully slaps our brother's arm that is still holding the coffee to the side. This results in some of the brown liquid swapping over the edge of the cup, landing on Jordan's white t-shirt.

"Will!" Jordan roars.

He slams the mug with the remaining drink down on the coffee table next to him. I don't know what he plans to do next, but it looks like he is getting ready to retaliate in a not very kind way. I instinctively take a step closer to them.

"Lily, don't."

Again, Sean puts a hand on my shoulder, but this time to stop me from doing something stupid. I don't even know what I wanted to achieve, but I am glad that he held me back. There is nothing I could do if one of my brothers decided to attack another. I have learned that the hard way when I tried to separate Jordan and Sam at the gas station when they got into a physical fight after the stranger talked to me on our way home from the desert trip.

"Why can't you just for once in your life behave like a normal human being and actually listen?" Jordan yells at Will.

His face is only inches from Will's, who has gotten to his feet now, too, but thankfully neither of them has lashed out yet. The tension in the room is skyrocketing, however, and I fear that it is only a matter of seconds until one of them starts throwing fists.

"Sean," I whimper helplessly. "Do something. I don't want to them to..."

"And why can't you, for once in your life, come down off your high horse and fuckin' tell the truth?" Will mocks him, his voice mirroring Jordan's low and threatening tone.

"What. Is. Your. Fucking. Problem? Huh?" Jordan moves another bit closer as he punctuates every word, literally catapulting them right into Will's face.

"My problem is that you're a bunch of liars!"

"We've been there already. We're not lying to you, we're just not telling you everything right now!"

"Same fuckin' thing!"

"It's not! It's for your own protection, damn it!"

"Marvelous protection you've got there!" Will laughs sarcastically. "Maybe you guys should up your skills then, because you've done a shit job lately! You can't even keep a previously sickeningly angelic, easy-to-raise kid from running away with a delinquent kid from right under Alex's nose at the freakin' police station! And to make it worse, she then manages to stay off the grid for a few days!

"Thanks to you letting her blackmail you!" Jordan defends himself as I flinch at the memories of what I did last year.

I don't like where this is going, not at all. I already hate that they're fighting, but that they have to use me as their topic to fight over doesn't sit well with me at all.

"That's completely irrelevant, because I didn't cause her to feel the need to run away in the first place! But what's worse is, that, after all that drama was over, you guys didn't even have the decency to come clean about all the fuckin' secrets in this family. No, instead, you let fuckin' creeps near our baby sister not once, not even twice, but three times! To the point where she has to witness how our brother gets murdered right in front of her eyes!"

"Will, that's enough!" Sean intervenes.

He steps away from my side and looks to be getting ready to physically step in, if necessary. I wrap my arms closer around my body to protect myself from I don't know what.

Will, meanwhile, turns towards Sean and holds his hand out towards him, palm forward, effectively stopping him in his advance.

"I'm not done," he announces firmly yet mysteriously, but he is not yelling anymore. "Even if you guys don't like the truth, there's still a few more truths that I would like to share with you."

Dread suddenly fills me when I absorb his words. Glancing at my two other brothers, I see that they are intrigued by this, so much so that they remain frozen in their spots, waiting for what is to come.

"Do you know what your damn secrecy has caused? Did you honestly think that our baby sibs would just let it go and wait patiently for you guys to finally come clean and tell us the family history? I'll let you in on a little secret," he smirks unamused but then winks at me, causing the bile to rise in my throat.

A chill runs down my spine.

Please, don't, Will.

My silent plea, of course, is ignored. But he keeps his eyes on me as he continues.

"They didn't just sit patiently on their little asses. Instead, they continued to dig around, hoping to find out about your past and figure out a few things on their own since you're so unwilling to share information with us. And, no surprise, they – correction, we – hit pay dirt."

It takes a bit of effort to take my eyes off Will, but when I manage to move my gaze to Jordan, I find him staring at our brother with narrowed eyes. The rest of his face, however, remains impressively neutral. I can't tell what kind of effect Will's taunting words have on him.

Sean is a completely different story though. He has turned unhealthily pale and I watch with concern as he lowers himself onto the armrest of the sofa closest to him. I feel sorry for him and I wish I would have a way to stop Will from telling them more.

But something inside of me also believes that it is long overdue that certain things come to light. It may not be the best moment for us to reveal what we have found out, but as Will said earlier, there is never the perfect moment for this kind of thing. Maybe this has to happen now. Sam's accident has changed everything.

"W-what did you find?" Sean's quiet voice interrupts the tense silence that has followed Will's announcement, his words still hanging heavily in the air.

"I spare you the details of how we found out what we know, because that's unimportant. But let's just try out a few terms. What do the following mean to you?" Will adds a little, artificial pause, which only increases the tension and makes the hairs on my arms stand up as anticipation takes my whole body hostage. "Maine. S. J. Sealed police records. Drowned car. Trunk."

A gasp escapes Sean and one look at him is like the biggest, painful stab to my heart. He looks utterly devastated.

I almost don't dare looking at Jordan next, but when I do, I find him still standing rooted in his spot, the same stoic expression on his face that he had before Will started listing all these things.

"I have one more for you, and that one literally takes the cake."

For a moment, fear that he is going to reveal how the twins and I went to a drug dealer to borrow money for a private investigator.

He wouldn't incriminate himself, would he?

Pushing that frightening thought aside, I then consider if he is going to tell them that he almost bumped into Josh and Tom when he was at the East Coast. This immediately spikes my curiosity because I still don't know the name of the place where my brothers must have lived before moving here. Not that it really matters, but I'd still like to know.

Finally, a spilt second before he does, it hits me what Will is going to say next.

My breath once again hitches in my throat, effectively stopping me from launching into a sprint to jump on my brother and clamp my hand over his mouth. All that I can do is close my eyes and wait for the tsunami that is going to unleash any second to roll right over us.

"I personally think that this has a rather special ring to it. Almost a bit like a stage name, or something. I would really love to know what made you reconsider and change it. Jordan Johansen?"

A/N - Oh Will! The timing seems a bit, umm, unfortunate, I think. Throwing this at their heads only hours before they have to say goodbye to their beloved brother. How are the guys going to react?

It took a while for this chapter to get done. Life has been hectic and I also went on holiday for a couple of weeks, which did the trick as it was very relaxing. I hope you're all well, too.