Chapter 12 - Invisible

I wish my superpower were to become invisible.

Because this would help me a lot to evade my family right now.

"Lily!" Jordan calls out again. "Noah?"

I am totally not ready to return to the awkwardness that will certainly be surrounding us once we go inside and encounter the rest of our brothers. Or those who are in the house. I have no idea how long Noah and I have been out here, but I assume that Ben hasn't come back yet with Josh. And Tom.

A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of my almost-brother-in-law.

I wish I wouldn't have to face him, like, ever again. Or at least not for a very long time.

What am I even going to say to him?

I know that once I see him, I can't just ignore him. This wouldn't go down well with Josh, and neither with anyone else. It would be considered rude. Also, I think I would feel a bit mean if I completely ignored Tom's presence and walked by him as if he were not there. I may be confused by his "new" job and I definitely feel betrayed, but treating people like dirt is not something I imagine myself doing. I am not that kind of person.

"Lily! Stop hiding and come inside already." Jordan sounds a bit upset now.

Upset, not impatient, which is kinda surprising. Considering his mood lately, I'd have assumed that he gets pissed off rather easily if I don't do as he says. Maybe the few hours in the car with Alex have helped him calm down a bit.

I miss rational and gentle Jordan.

"You ready to go inside?" I whisper to Noah, nudging him lightly.

"You go without me," he mutters.

"He's calling for both of us."

"I don't care. I'm staying here."

"I'll stay with you then."

"Please, don't."

Although there is no menace in Noah's voice, his words still strangely hurt me. I wonder if he simply tolerated my presence when actually he would have preferred to be left in peace from the start.

But after witnessing his break down – not to mention him puking his guts out! – it didn't feel right for me to abandon him. Jordan was very persistent yesterday and didn't leave me alone, either, even when I made it clear that I didn't want him there. In the end, it helped me a lot and I believe that it is the right thing for me to do with Noah, too.

"Noah! Lily! Come on, guys!"

"We really should go inside, Noah. It'll only be a minute or two until he finds us here," I try again.

"If you go, he'll leave me in peace. He doesn't know I'm out here with you," Noah argues, his voice sounding flat and emotionless.

I glance at my youngest brother and find him squinting up at the sky, the few remaining sun beams shining straight on his face. Even though he is not looking at me, I can tell that Noah is struggling. The dried tear tracks on his pale cheeks are just a small reminder of his breakdown earlier.

"Of course he does. I told Luke I was going to find you in the backyard."

"Well, maybe you just didn't find me."

"Noah," I sigh heavily, already feeling at my wit's end and we've not even been arguing for that long.

"Go, Lily."

"No-No, be real," I beg. "Do you really think they'll just leave you alone if I go inside without you? If I tell them that I didn't find you, they'll call the police, or something!"

"Don't be so dramatic. Nothing's going to happen and nobody's going to call any cops. The guys are too preoccupied for that, anyway. They won't care either way."

This causes me to fully turn around and face him.

Why would he say that?

Why does he think nobody cares about him?

I won't allow him to say such things. Our brothers may have a few flaws – as all humans do – but they've always cared about us younger ones and nothing has changed that. They also care about each other, no matter what. I feel anger surge through me at Noah's words which sounded like an accusation to me.

Maybe I am overreacting, but I don't think that what he says is right, or fair.

I scramble to my knees, ignoring the small pebbles painfully digging into my shins even through the leggings I am wearing. Leaning forward, I grab my brother's arm and start shaking him until he finally stops staring at the sky and turns to face me. A gasp escapes my lips at the myriad of emotions displayed in Noah's light blue eyes. I almost recoil but somehow manage not to.

"Don't say that about them, like, ever again, hear me? They care! They care so, so much, almost too much! If they think you're gone, they'll totally freak out. You know how they are. I won't let you do that to them. They've got enough to deal with as it is. So, you either come with me right now or I'll tell Jordan that you're hiding out here and then he'll come find you. Take your pick!"

I didn't mean to sound so angry, but something inside of me just snapped at Noah's careless statement. Focusing back on the boy in front of me, I can tell that my words have surprised him, too, because his main facial expression now suddenly shows remorse.

"Okay, okay," he murmurs.

Pushing my hands off of his body, he climbs to his feet. I quickly copy his actions, knowing that I have to weave my way out from our hiding spot first to make space for him to follow after me.

"M'sorry," I say quietly, feeling a bit bad for having had a go at him.

I should probably be a bit more considerate and patient with him at a time like this.

"Whatever," is his grumpy reply.

I don't think Noah has ever sounded as similar to his twin as he does right now.

"Lily, this is no longer funny. If you're not here in ten seconds, I'm getting reinforcements!" Jordan threatens loudly.

"We're coming!" I announce, showing that we have heard him and hoping to placate him.

The last thing I need is for him to assume that I disappeared once again. My track record hasn't been the best lately in that regard and I don't want to upset my brothers unnecessarily. I know that they are incredibly worried that something might happen to us kids and now that I have witnessed personally that these threats are actually real, I have proof that they are not just being paranoid, as I suspected all that time.

"There you are! Jeez, you guys...," Jordan sighs when we are finally walking towards him.

I stop to look back because it feels like Noah isn't behind me anymore and I let out a breath of relief when I find him climbing out through the small gap between the bushes and the shed. He looks miserable and I feel sorry that I forced him to join me. But I know that Jordan wouldn't have left him in peace either way. It's best he came out voluntarily, I think.

Coming to a stop within arm's reach from my third oldest brother, I wait for Noah to catch up to us. But Jordan has other plans and kind of roughly pulls me to him only to engulf me in his big arms. Automatically, I wrap mine around his waist and hug him back.

He strangely doesn't smell very Jordan-y though. Instead of his distinctive cologne – which is one of my favorites out of all of my brother's various "boy perfumes" – I believe to detect a whiff of car air freshener sticking to him, mixed in with the faint, manly scent that is typical for the guys after a long day.

For whatever strange reason, Alex has a thing for these pretty overbearing Christmas tree shaped car air fresheners and it is kind of amusing to think that it managed to even overpower Jordan's not so subtle cologne. Or maybe he just forgot to pack his and that's why.

"... come 'ere."

I only catch the tail end of whatever Jordan said, but a second later I feel like I'm getting trapped between two bodies and I realize that he must have spoken to Noah before pulling him in for a hug, too. Something tells me that I should give them a bit of privacy since it is the first time they see each other after the accident. Maybe Jo-Jo can work his magic on Noah, too, like he did with me last night.

Trying to slip away unnoticed doesn't work, however. Jordan wraps one of his long arms around my shoulders from behind and pulls me back, stopping my movement. When I turn around, freeing myself from his half-embrace, I see that Noah has wiggled out of his hold, too, but Jordan seems to have a tight grip on his forearm, not letting him go, either.

I glance at Noah's face and find him fighting back tears. He looks a bit embarrassed, too, which almost breaks my heart. He shouldn't be ashamed to cry about Sam. Not in front of anyone, but least of all in front of his own big brothers.

Something has clearly changed my youngest sibling in these past few hours. The Noah I've known all my life wouldn't have tried to hide that he is upset. Seeing him like this, so different from his normal personality, is very upsetting and I wish I knew how to help him.

It's still early days.

I can clearly hear Sean telling me this more than once in the past 24 hours.

These things take time.

Healing will take time.

It's an arduous process.

He forgot to mention that it hurts almost physically, too. Or maybe he did mention it and I paid no attention to his warning or simply assumed that it would be survivable.

It barely is.

"Are you two okay?" Jordan asks us, looking from one to the other.

I just stare at him, not sure what he expects me to say. Surely, he can't think that we would confirm that. From the corner of my eyes I find Noah with his head turned down, focusing on something invisible on the ground. Nobody speaks for a painfully long time. Eventually, Jordan takes a deep breath and shakes his head as if trying to clear his thoughts.

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. I just wanted to... I wanted to know how you two are doing," he stammers awkwardly.

I knew that this would happen. That the atmosphere between us siblings would be weird. This is why I wasn't keen to join them. I would have preferred to stay outside for a bit longer, hidden behind the shed. But I also know that Noah urgently needs to see some of our older siblings. I am convinced that they can help him much better than I can. He is clearly struggling and I am very worried about him after only having been around him for this short amount of time.

"Where's Alex?" I change the topic, not feeling at all up to answering Jordan's question.

"He's inside, waiting to see you, Noah," he replies, turning his attention back to our youngest brother.

Noah wordlessly shuffles his feet, still acting as if there is something really interesting on the ground that is capturing his attention. I am not even sure that he heard Jordan.

"Why don't you go find him, huh, buddy?" he encourages him.

He lets go of Noah's wrist and moves his hand to pat his shoulder before gently steering him towards the house. The younger twin shrugs his hand off but follows the order a bit like a robot, slowly stalking over to the patio doors. I make to follow him but, annoyingly, Jordan holds me back.

"Give them a minute, baby."

"Do you... are you sure that... how is Alex?" I struggle to put my thoughts into words, my eyes following Noah as he disappears inside.

I am worried that Alex's current state will only make it worse for Noah. I doubt that it'll make this situation any easier for him when he sees what impact Sam's death has on Alex. To me, it is the worst thing, other than never seeing Sam again, of course.

"He's holding on," Jordan replies candidly.

"Maybe we shouldn't let Noah see him like this..."

"It's okay. Alex can handle it. He explicitly asked for him and I offered to come get you guys when Luke told us that you're outside. He just wants to see his baby brother. There's nothing wrong with that," He taps my nose and gives me a lopsided smile that looks a bit forced, but I appreciate the effort nevertheless. "There's nothing for you to worry about, pumpkin, I promise."

"I still think he should rather speak to Sean instead," I say stubbornly.

I can't help feeling anxious at the thought of a distraught Alex dealing with a totally miserable Noah. That seems like a recipe for disaster and our family has had more than enough of those to last us a lifetime.

"He will. Sean's already been asking about him, too. Noah's in good hands, Lily. Please stop worrying about him. He'll be well looked after."

Jordan's reassuring words don't do much to stop the anxiety cruising through my body at full speed. Without thinking, I throw myself at him and bury my face in his t-shirt. He hugs me back and gently rubs circles on my back. That gesture has always been a sure way to get met to calm down and relax. I still expect that I'll start crying as some of the tension leaves me body so I am surprised when no tears make an appearance. I start to feel calmer though.

"It's really hard for him," I speak into Jordan's stomach. "For Noah, I mean."

"I know. It's hard for all of us, but it must be especially hard for him."

"He vomited. Earlier, behind the shed," I reveal as a shiver runs down my spine at the memory of his broken form.

Jordan immediately tightens his hold on me, giving me comfort.

"I'm glad you were there for him. You're a great sister," he compliments me softly.

His words mean the world to me and I relax even more into his embrace. This is exactly what I have been aiming for. To be as supportive as possible to my siblings, to somehow help them get through this horrible time. The long talks with Sean have been very helpful to me already. And Jordan being gentle and mindful with me whenever we are alone and not in stressful surroundings is the best medicine, too. I wish to give the same kind of the love and support that I am currently receiving back to those who need it.

"You're a great brother, too."

"How was your trip back with Sean, by the way?" he then asks, a teasing tone in his voice. "I hope you're not scarred for life now."

I can't stop a tiny giggle bubbling up in my throat and eventually escaping my lips. This is one of the things I love about Jordan. He can go from a deep, emotional conversation to lighthearted banter in the blink of an eye. That's a trait he has in common with Luke and Sean. The three of them just know how to brighten the mood.

"I came to the conclusion that these are all just rumors. Sean's a great driver, and a very safe one, too. So, you guys are either absolute pussies if you're afraid to be in a car with him – or you just like to tease him about it for no reason at all, like the mean siblings you are."

Jordan whistles lightly when I say "pussies", but doesn't scold me, which I appreciate.

"It's probably a combination of both," I muse a bit cheekily.

"Careful, little girl. You're walking on thin ice here," he threatens me playfully.

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Big mistake."

Jordan puts his hand on my head and exaggeratedly ruffles my hair. I shriek and jump out of his reach.

"I'm getting payback for that, you just wait," I announce with a glare while trying to fix the rat's nest that is now my hair. "You mess with my hair, I mess with yours."

"Yep, I'll just wait here then. Until you show up with a ladder, that is, so that you can reach, you tiny tot," he grins mischievously.

"There's various ways to mess with someone's hair."

Jordan's eyes grow slightly big when my words slowly sink in. There have been many prank wars in our household over the years and I have picked up a few useful tricks here and there. My brother knows very well that we siblings can be pretty resourceful when it comes to thinking up creative pranks. And people's hair has always been an attractive target.

"Big mistake," I echo his earlier words, pointing to my messy hair and shaking my head while adding a threatening glare.

Then, I turn on my heel and walk into the house, waving at Jordan as I do so. I can feel his eyes on the back of my head and I smile victoriously, making a mental note to figure out the perfect moment to get payback.

*******

Then, the moment of truth – or of confrontation – is suddenly here.

For the second time in only a few hours, I wish to become invisible at the snip of a finger.

When the front door opens, I freeze. Briefly, I consider my chances of it going unnoticed if I were to run past the people in the hallway in order to disappear in my room. I quickly realize that there is an almost zero chance for this to be successful.

Unless they wish they were invisible, too, and don't want me to see them, either.

Which obviously would make no sense because they could have just chosen not to come here but to go to their own house instead.

Waiting for the people I have been dreading to encounter to come into the living room, I go completely still as I sit in the corner of one of our big sofas with my knees pulled up and my feet hidden partially underneath my butt. The others who are in here with me have previously been having a quiet conversation – which I have tuned out of a while ago – but have now gone still, too.

Nobody says a word. Not even those who have just entered our house.

Maybe they only came to see the boys, not me?

This mess is my fault, after all, and I am sure everybody knows it, even if they pretend that it's not the case. I can't even remember the number of times some of my brothers have told me that I am not to blame for what happened. I always just nod and mumble something that sounds like an agreement – I hope – but that doesn't mean I truly believe them. They're just saying this to make me feel better. Or, more likely, because it's what they think they are supposed to say.

Surely, it must have occurred to them that certain things wouldn't have happened if I had just stopped digging before things got out of hand.

They don't know everything you know!

I involuntarily shake my head at my own thoughts running havoc inside my brain. So much has been going on lately that I keep forgetting that most of my brothers have no idea that we even continued digging into their past. If they knew about that, they'd totally freak out.

And it is only a matter of time until it will all come out, because I can't imagine that we will be able to keep this to ourselves for the rest of our lives. Either we will need to confront them with our knowledge because they are not telling us the whole truth – or the bad conscience will eat me alive and I will spill everything just to go back to how things were.

If that is even possible.

Rustling can be heard from the front entrance, catching my attention. It sounds as if they are taking off jackets and dropping stuff by the front door, but I can't be sure, since the living room door has only been left slightly ajar, muffling the sounds of the newcomers.

Maybe it's Will, and not Ben with Josh and Tom?

My heart jumps at that thought. I have asked various brothers if they know where Will is and nobody gave me a satisfying answer. I was either told flat out that they don't know or their replies seemed a bit vague. I can't help thinking that those vague answers were only because they didn't want me to worry about Will, not because they knew something that they wanted to keep from me.

I'm almost certain that nobody knows where our brother is.

I sent him a couple of messages an hour or so ago, when I really started to get anxious about his whereabouts. So far, Will has not replied to any of them. He hasn't even read them, if the gray check marks are anything to go by.

I am still musing over whether the newest arrival is Will and if he might just disappear upstairs if nobody intervenes when the door to the living room suddenly gets pushed open. Instinctively, I look up and my eyes meet Josh's.

Various people start saying something at once, but I am unable to make out individual words or sentences. I am not even sure who is speaking. My eyes are glued to Josh and he is holding my gaze as if there is a spell between us. It feels like time is standing still and I don't even dare blinking, let alone breathe.

Tuning out every sound around me, I try to read his expression. That is when an unexpected sensation of calm washes over me. At first, I am utterly confused and my mind struggles to understand what I am even looking at. Then, slowly, it starts to sink in.

Josh is okay.

I have been preparing myself for this encounter ever since I was able to form a conscious thought after witnessing Sam's accident. I was literally dreading to see my second oldest brother, a suffocating feeling that intensified even more the moment I saw what the news of losing yet another family member has done to Alex.

To me, it was not even an option that Josh might be anything other than a wreck. And that he would not be able to hide it, either. He couldn't control his emotions when I confronted him about Sienna. And he generally is not known to be someone who hides how he feels in any kind of situation.

Josh is probably the sibling that is least afraid of showing his emotions, whether it is sadness, anger, joy or disappointment. He has always been rather blunt about this kind of stuff and you never have to wonder where you're at with him. He will tell you right away if something's bothering him or you'll know if he is bursting at the seams with happiness – or if he wants you to leave him alone.

I learned that the hard way when he pushed me away so very obviously last year after I had ran away to Chicago. He clearly didn't deal well with the situation and he let me know how unhappy he was about my actions in no uncertain terms.

My sibling call him moody but, even if there is probably a certain truth to that, I also think that this is what makes him who he is. I have learned a lot about people and about my family in the past few months and I now think that this characteristic of his is what makes him the most human out of all of us. Because Josh is not afraid to let his surroundings know what he really thinks and feels.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, startling me out of my deep thoughts.

"You okay?" Sean whispers from beside me.

It is as if his quiet question finally puts everything back in motion. Like the cue I needed to get moving. Not taking my eyes off Josh for even a second, I scramble off the sofa and run up to him. He opens his arms just in time to allow me to throw myself at him. The moment my arms have circled his waist, he wraps his own around my shoulders and hugs me closely.

Like I did with Jordan an hour or so ago, I bury my face in his chest, but this time, the tears immediately start flowing. I feel how Josh places one of his hands on the back of my head, holding it against his torso while his other arm tightens around my upper body. I melt into him, soaking up the warmth his embrace gives off.

"I've got you, sugar. It's gonna be okay. I'm here now. I've got you."

His voice is gentle and warm and it instantly calms me down. Josh is at the very top of my list of favorite people to hug and right now, I remember why that is.

We fight and have disagreements probably a lot more than I do with most of my other siblings – not counting Aidan – because we are both very stubborn. But he has been a constant all my life and is one of the most reliable family members. Josh has been here for me from the day I was born. He has dedicated most of his adult life to making this family work. Just like Alex has.

I may feel closer to his twin, because Jordan and I just click on a different level – maybe not so much lately, what with his unpredictable moods – but with Josh, it's a whole other thing. When I am around him, I feel safe and looked after. He and Alex have given me what I assume parents are supposed to give to their child. Those two feel like home to me.

Suddenly, I feel the urge to apologize to him.

"I'm so sorry," I cry into his shirt.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, sugar," Josh assures me, tightening his embrace. "You're fine."

"If anything, I owe you an apology," he adds after I cried a bit more, still refusing to let go of him.

This simple statement instantly brings everything back to the forefront of my consciousness.

How could I forget?

I try to wiggle out of his hold and he loosens his arms around me but only lets me go after he pressed a quick kiss on top of my head. As soon as I am free from his arms, I take a reluctant step back and glance behind him to find an empty hallway.

Confused, I turn around and scan the rest of the living room. I find Ben talking to Jordan and Sean. Neither of them is doing a very good job hiding that they are keeping a close eye on what's going on between Josh and I.

"He's coming over later," my second oldest brother interrupts my not so discreet actions.

I look back up at him and he can easily read my questioning expression.

"Tom thought it'd be better if he gave us a bit of time before he joins."

"Oh."

I am lost for words. This whole situation is turning out to be overwhelming but for very different reasons than the ones I anticipated. I tried to prepare myself for a heartbreaking encounter with Josh because I expected him to be a mess. And for a nerve-wrecking confrontation with Tom, for obvious reasons. Now both these things didn't happen as I thought they would.

Of course, it is early days and any of these scenarios could easily still happen. The second one is more likely than the first, now that I have seen Josh. He isn't that good an actor, so I want to believe that what happened to Sam has not made him any more broken than he already was because of everything else.

"How do you feel about having a little chat, just the two of us?" Josh suggests.

I swallow the lump that has formed in the back of my throat as I was musing over the Tom situation and then nod a bit hesitantly. I am a bit worried what he wants to talk about, but I also would prefer to have this conversation away from prying eyes and ears. And because it seems that Josh is holding up alright, I really shouldn't be worried about this too much.

"Okay," I agree verbally. "But give me a moment. I... I wanna say hi to Ben real quick."

"Oh. Yeah, of course. Silly me, I totally forgot that you guys haven't seen each other since..." Josh's voice trails off, unable to form these horrible words.

There is raw emotion in his voice, allowing me to get a small glimpse into how he truly feels about all this. For some inexplicable reason, it reassures me to see that he is not just brushing off what happened to Sam, maybe to protect himself. I think that would be worse than him breaking down.

"I have a few people to say hello to as well." He looks around, furrowing his eyebrows. "Where's Noah?"

He doesn't ask about Will, who is the only other person missing from the room. This bothers me for some reason but I don't comment on it.

"In his room, I think."

"He's not doing so well, huh?"

It is more a statement than a question, but I still nod to confirm his assumption.

"Sean went up to him a while ago and they had a long talk. I don't think it went very well though," I tell him sadly.

If I am worried about Will, Noah's behavior is causing my anxiety levels to skyrocket. He is very obviously having the hardest time – other than Alex – and I just hope that this family's support system is strong enough to give my youngest brother what he needs to somehow get through this.

"Shit. Poor kid," Josh mutters, more to himself than to me, I guess, before he adds more audibly: "Go and speak to Ben. He's been wanting to see you and give you a hug for hours now. – I'll come get you in a bit for our chat, okay?"

"Yeah."

"I love you, sugar."

"Love you, too."

I offer Josh a small, slightly forced smile which he returns with a reassuring one of his own before I stroll over to where Ben is still standing with the other two. When he notices me coming over, he says something to Jordan and Sean and walks towards me, meeting me midway.

Wordlessly, I reach out to him and Ben picks me up like you would a toddler, allowing me to wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I hug him tightly as I press my face into the curve of his neck. Inhaling the familiar scent of his spiced, woody fragrance, another sense of calmness overcomes me.

If Alex and Josh have been the constants in my life, Ben is probably what I would call my rock. He is the most composed and calm person in our family and incredibly reliable in everything he does. He is generally rather reserved – the opposite of the dramatic personalities some of us share – and also very analytical. I have often wondered why he didn't become a math teacher, because he is so structured and is always in control of everything.

Ben usually remembers everybody's schedules, not just those of us kids still at school and makes sure that we show up on time if we have to go somewhere. On top of that, he is in charge of keeping our pantry stocked which, according to Alex, is not an easy task, considering that we have to feed a horde of hungry teens. At least he doesn't have to do the grocery shopping by himself but can assign this chore to whoever he pleases and they don't get to protest. It's one of our unwritten rules.

"How're you holding up, princess?" Ben asks me gently.

I unbury my face and lean back a bit, happy when he doesn't put me back on my feet just yet but allows me to hang onto him like a koala for a bit longer. Although I always insist that I am not a little kid anymore, this is exactly what I need right now, so I push any thoughts of acting like a baby to the back of my mind. If there is one person in this household who will not judge my behavior or tease me about it, it is Ben.

"Hanging in there, I guess," I reply honestly. "It still hasn't really sunk in yet. That Sam's really gone, I mean."

My brother's face adopts a pained expression and I instantly feel bad to have caused that by mentioning his name. But I tell myself that this is stupid, because I won't allow what happened with Sienna's memory to be repeated. So, even if it pains them, they will have to get used to me talking about Sam in their presence.

Well, maybe not when Noah is around. Not yet.

"Yeah, I feel the same. It's terrible, what happened to Sam. It'll take a while for things to feel more normal again. It's never easy."

I can almost physically feel the heaviness of Ben's words. And the worst of it is that he knows exactly what he is talking about. He's only 28 and he has already experienced so much tragedy and loss in his life. I re-wrap my arms around his neck and give him another heartfelt hug. For one, to show him that I feel for him, and two, so that I don't have to see the sadness in his eyes anymore.

Ben rubs my back and returns the hug before he carefully disentangles my limbs from his body and puts me back on my feet. He places a hand on either side of my face, forcing me to look back up at him. His fingers are surprisingly warm and the touch has a soothing effect on me. Once we have locked eyes, Ben leans in a bit.

"We will stick together through this difficult time. We're an awesome family, always remember that, and although I know you and your younger brothers don't trust us and the choices we made in the past too much right now, I hope – no, I know – that once we've been able to tell you the whole story, things will get easier and your trust in our decision making should hopefully be restored. Remember that we've always had your best interest at heart, princess. That, and you and your brothers' safety."

That last sentence hangs heavily between us. We both know that whatever safety net we put up in our family, it wasn't enough to protect Sam from these vicious people, whoever they are. At least I assume that Ben knows all about it, too. I can't imagine that the others kept the information about the stranger's involvement from him.

"It wasn't enough for Sam," I whisper, my throat burning like fire as if it wanted to keep these painful words from coming over my lips.

"Oh, Lily," Ben sighs heavily.

He bends all the way forward until his lips touch my forehead. Placing a soft kiss on the clammy skin, he rubs his thumbs against my cheeks and then moves his hands until they land on my shoulders. His expression is a mixture of sadness and understanding.

"I'm here for you, whenever you need someone to talk to," Ben offers. "You're so strong, princess. And I love you."

My throat closes up again. These words have been spoken more often in the past few hours than for a long time before. The amount of affection and understanding that my brothers have shown me in these one and a half days is incredibly comforting and heart-warming. I just hope that they realize that I am offering the same to them in return.

I want to be someone they can rely on, too. I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on if they're feeling sad. If they feel like crying, I want them to come to me so that we can be sad together. And if they want to hit something because what happened makes them angry, I want to find a suitable punching bag for us and let my anger out, together with them.

"Me, too," I whisper and when he gives me a questioning look, I continue: "I mean, I'm here for you to, too, if you... I dunno... need me?"

I hate how uncertain I sound even if I am adamant to be strong for my siblings. If it were anyone other than Ben, I'd probably not dare looking at him out of fear for his reaction.

As kind and understanding as my brothers are most of the time, they can act rather judgmental if they think I am trespassing into their territory. And me offering to look after them certainly would consist as that, in their books. Will has made that clear this morning when we spoke on the phone. Their overprotective selves still have a hard time accepting that the twins and I are no longer little kids in desperate need to be coddled all the time.

Ben studies me wordlessly for a few seconds but it feels like an eternity. I am proud of myself for standing my ground and holding his inquisitive look. Eventually, his lips turn up at the corners and he nods as his eyes adopt a shiny gloss. He blinks a few times and nods once again, clearing his throat.

"I appreciate it. I'll be sure to remember that. Thanks, Lily."

The way he says it, in a completely neutral tone with no trace of amusement or disbelief in it, makes my heart jump a little bit.

"And I love you, too. Of course," I quickly add what I already wanted to say earlier but what got lost in my awkward stammering.

"Of course."

This time, Ben's smile reaches his eyes and his face adopts an almost relaxed expression. Feeling my self-confidence increase, I make myself believe that there even is a hint of pride visible.

Then I remember something.

"Have you seen Will? When you came back from picking up Noah and Aidan, I mean."

Ben's forehead wrinkles as he thinks about my question. Eventually, he shakes his head no.

"Sorry, no, I haven't seen him in a while," he admits.

Is it just me or does he sound a bit guilty?

"But you've spoken to him, right?"

Somebody must have thought to call Will. Surly, they didn't just forget to inform him about what happened to Sam. I mean, I know that he spoke to Jack, since that's what he told me on the phone this morning. But I sincerely hope that their intention wasn't for Jack to tell him the tragic news.

Now Ben definitely looks guilty as he shakes his head again.

I feel anger surge through me as I consider this situation. If they didn't think of him when they informed each other, I will be really upset with them. Just because Will isn't the typical family person who always hangs around at home and spends time with us doesn't mean he doesn't matter.

"Sean said he would talk to him. I assumed he..."

Ben doesn't finish his sentence but from how he suddenly turns pale, I can easily decipher that he only just now figured out that he has no idea if anyone even told Will what happened.

"Will got hold of Jack and he had to tell him," I grit out, unable to hide my disappointment in my oldest siblings.

My brother lets out a sigh of relief, but I can tell that this doesn't sit right with him. As it should. Jack is only a teenager himself and to put this burden on him is clearly wrong. Ben just realized that.

"Hey, sweetheart, Josh's waiting for you in the..."

"Did you speak to Will?" Ben kind of rudely interrupts Sean, who has come up to us.

Sean looks confused for a few seconds at the change of topic, but then nods slowly.

"What's this about?" he asks cautiously.

"You told us that you'd call Will to tell him and now Lily here tells me that Jack was the one who informed him about... Sam." He swallows hard. "How?"

It's hard to ignore the accusatory tone in Ben's voice as he confronts Sean with what he clearly considers our brother's failure. I don't like it when they speak to each other like this. But it is no secret that Sean and Ben are not very close, as far as siblings go. I have never cared much about it, since I know how it feels to have a sibling that gets on your nerves most of the time.

Also, since Sean hasn't been living with us for the past almost seven years, the opportunities for these two to clash have been limited. Whenever a few of us are together, they don't have to spend time alone in each other's company, which also means that they act pretty civil around each other.

Not to mention that Ben isn't a confrontational person. Getting into an argument with him is pretty difficult – unless it's school-related. All in all, I am not used to witness any kind of animosity between them, so seeing them like this is kind of disconcerting.

"I tried to call him several times yesterday but couldn't get hold of him. Leaving a message felt wrong, so I tried again this morning. Same result. Then I got busy dealing with Hannah and her parents, amongst other stuff at the hospital." Sean glances uncertainly in my direction as he mentions this, probably trying to gauge my reaction, before he adds: "Long story short, before I had a chance to try again, he was on the phone with Lily and that's when I found out that Jack had told him."

Ben opens his mouth to comment on this but Sean holds up his hand, signaling to him that that he is not done. I watch as the younger of the two clamps his lips together, clearly struggling to hold back a comment. Sean narrows his eyes at his brother, almost as if daring him to speak. When Ben remains silent, he continues.

"I talked to him as the others got ready to leave the cabin. To make sure he was up to speed – and to check up on him."

When he says that, the icy fist that has been holding my heart hostage slowly releases its tight grip. At least one of my brothers knows how volatile Will can be. Sean cares and that gives me a small bit of hope that Will is going to be okay.

"Do you know where he is now? Have you heard from him?" I involve myself into their conversation, or argument, or whatever this was.

Immediately, both their attention is on me and I feel like a deer caught in headlights.

"I haven't, no. – What's going on, huh?" Sean asks me gently.

His whole demeanor has done a full 180. Previously, when he was talking to Ben, he sounded annoyed and quite harsh but now his voice is soft and caring. I wonder why the two of them don't get along. Maybe it's the same as with me and Aidan. They just get on each other's nerves, or something. Which probably is normal with siblings. Still, I don't like it.

Although, thinking about it, it's a similar constellation to mine and Aidan's. Ben is Sean's next younger sibling and when they were kids, Ben probably bothered him just as much as my mere existence seems to bother Aidan. I just never thought that there was another pair of siblings in our family that acted as petty as we do – and yes, that is what our brothers call it when Aidan and I get into fights over stupid stuff all the time.

However, I never considered Sean to be petty. Nor Ben.

I guess I don't know my brothers as well as I thought I did. That has become clear as day in the past few months.

"Hey, Lily, what's up?" Sean brings me out of my thoughts with a pat on my shoulder.

"M'just worried about him," I admit quietly. "Nobody has seen him other than Jack. And that only for a minute or so. I want him to come home."

As soon as these words have left my lips, I realize that I sound like a whiny little kid. But I can't help feeling anxious when I think about all the bad things Will could get up to right now, while we're all gathered here trying to figure out how to deal with this horrible new situation.

I really want him to be here with us. I don't want him to be all alone.

"He'll be home soon, sweetheart," Sean assures me.

"I agree. And I'm sure he missed you and wants to see you, too," Ben adds, causing Sean to nod, showing that he shares his opinion.

Maybe their relationship isn't quite as bad after all, if they manage to agree on things only a few minutes after their small dispute.

"Okay," I concede although worry still lingers inside of me.

"What did you say about Josh?" I then ask Sean.

"Oh, right. He's in the kitchen, waiting for you. He said the two of you were going to have a little chat, is that right?"

I nod.

"Good. That's good. I'm glad." Sean sounds a bit distracted as he exchanges a look with Ben that I can't really read. "Off you go then. – I'll meanwhile start on our dinner. Don't forget that you promised to help!"

This time, the look on Ben's face is very easy to interpret. His face says it all as he probably pictures all the scenarios in his mind how this could go wrong. Despite myself, I can't hide a small grin.

"Maybe you should let Ben take care of dinner instead?" I suggest innocently.

"I could ask Aid to help me. He's pretty good in the kitchen and I think he could use the distraction. Would give us a chance to have a chat, too," Ben quickly offers.

All our eyes wander over to where Aidan is sitting on the sofa. He appears to be on his phone but I can tell that he isn't really invested in whatever is on there. Instead, his gaze flickers around the room at regular intervals. He looks kind of lost but when he notices that we are staring at him, he quickly averts his eyes and goes back to pretending that he is busy with his phone.

I guess Noah has made it clear that his presence is not desired in their bedroom, so he's stuck here. I feel sorry for Aidan, which is a rather foreign emotion.

"That's a great idea. – Thanks, Ben," Sean agrees.

Ben's expression is one of relief at his words. I don't know whether it is because Sean didn't fight him on it – which honestly wouldn't have surprised me after what I witnessed earlier – or because the chances of this dinner actually being edible have just risen by a thousand percent.

"I'll go speak to Jack then. Haven't really had a chance to really speak to him, other than say hi when we got here."

Before he can go over to where Jack is sitting in the bay window overlooking our backyard, I give Sean a quick hug and he hugs me back. I repeat the same with Ben and then make my way over to the kitchen where, apparently, Josh is waiting for me.

Bracing myself for a hard talk, I push the door open and enter.

A/N - Hello! *waves* Anyone still out there? I hope you haven't abandoned this story. I was super busy lately and didn't find enough time to write after the Xmas story, that's why this took a while. I hope you're all well. Thanks for reading, in case you're still around.

Next time: Josh and Lily talk and Tom arrives. But where is Will? And is Alex finally going to come clean, or is he still stalling?